I responded to my ex a year after he made contact. What have I done??

[kichelka]

He was my first love, I've pushed those memories back because it's so painful, but they are resurfacing.

 

We met when I was 19 and he was 21 and were together for 5 years. I'm now 28 and he's 30. Three years ago he broke it off and left me gutted. I loved him so much, still do if I am honest with myself. I haven't had that connection with anyone since.

 

Last year he made contact through gmail chat. I never responded because I was shocked, I had been wanting that for so long, but I was angry also that he waited 2 years. A week later he sent an email asking if I received the message and wanted to know how I was. I never responded.

 

Shortly after I got into a relationship that ended last week. That was my second relationship and it made me realize how much I cared for my ex and missed him and loved him still.

 

So I responded last week. No response. Today I sent him an email AND a gmail chat (I know. Stupid move) but I said nothing but nice things to him. It was a short and sweet email, basically telling him how I enjoyed our memories together and I hoped he was happy. In the gmail chat I said I was sorry for taking so long to respond and if he was still interested in catching up, I would like that.

 

After a few minutes, he went offline. I guess he is upset with me? Or doesn't care to catch up. I don't know what it could be, I can understand him being upset.

 

I feel like an idiot, to say the least. Suggestions on why he is ignoring me?

[John Michael Kane]

He was my first love, I've pushed those memories back because it's so painful, but they are resurfacing.

 

We met when I was 19 and he was 21 and were together for 5 years. I'm now 28 and he's 30. Three years ago he broke it off and left me gutted. I loved him so much, still do if I am honest with myself. I haven't had that connection with anyone since.

 

Last year he made contact through gmail chat. I never responded because I was shocked, I had been wanting that for so long, but I was angry also that he waited 2 years. A week later he sent an email asking if I received the message and wanted to know how I was. I never responded.

 

Shortly after I got into a relationship that ended last week. That was my second relationship and it made me realize how much I cared for my ex and missed him and loved him still.

 

So I responded last week. No response. Today I sent him an email AND a gmail chat (I know. Stupid move) but I said nothing but nice things to him. It was a short and sweet email, basically telling him how I enjoyed our memories together and I hoped he was happy. In the gmail chat I said I was sorry for taking so long to respond and if he was still interested in catching up, I would like that.

 

After a few minutes, he went offline. I guess he is upset with me? Or doesn't care to catch up. I don't know what it could be, I can understand him being upset.

 

I feel like an idiot, to say the least. Suggestions on why he is ignoring me?

 

Why get into a relationship when you know you still want your ex?

[kichelka]

I didn't realize I wasn't over him entirely since I pushed those feelings aside. I also didn't have a choice but to move on.

[Trimmer]

He was my first love, I've pushed those memories back because it's so painful, but they are resurfacing.

 

We met when I was 19 and he was 21 and were together for 5 years. I'm now 28 and he's 30. Three years ago he broke it off and left me gutted. I loved him so much, still do if I am honest with myself. I haven't had that connection with anyone since.

 

Last year he made contact through gmail chat. I never responded because I was shocked, I had been wanting that for so long, but I was angry also that he waited 2 years. A week later he sent an email asking if I received the message and wanted to know how I was. I never responded.

 

Shortly after I got into a relationship that ended last week. That was my second relationship and it made me realize how much I cared for my ex and missed him and loved him still.

 

So I responded last week. No response. Today I sent him an email AND a gmail chat (I know. Stupid move) but I said nothing but nice things to him. It was a short and sweet email, basically telling him how I enjoyed our memories together and I hoped he was happy. In the gmail chat I said I was sorry for taking so long to respond and if he was still interested in catching up, I would like that.

 

After a few minutes, he went offline. I guess he is upset with me? Or doesn't care to catch up. I don't know what it could be, I can understand him being upset.

 

I feel like an idiot, to say the least. Suggestions on why he is ignoring me?

Really? How complicated do you need to make this? After a long history together, you chose not to respond to his contact because you were angry that he had waited so long.

 

And now he has refused to respond to your contact, coincidentally, after you had waited a very long time to speak to him, and additionally, you're on the heels of an ended relationship.

 

It's not that terribly complicated.

Edited August 19, 2011 by Trimmer

[kichelka]

So at this point do I wait for him to find it in him to forgive me for not responding? I can't take it back, I wish I could.

[Trimmer]

So at this point do I wait for him to find it in him to forgive me for not responding? I can't take it back, I wish I could.

You can't change what happened; he isn't responding to your communications. What other options do you have?

 

I also didn't have a choice but to move on

You may be right back at that same place now.

[smudge21]

One of the worst things we all do is presume too much. We don't know what's going on so we either believe it's good news or bad.

 

For all you know, his computer blew up and he can't respond.

 

You've put the ball back in his court and left it for him to decide, you really can't do much more now. As hard as it is, you have to step back and see what happens. Give it a week but try not to think about it during that time, you'll only start presuming even more.

[Kamila]

Oww dear Kichelka, i feel for you. He left you and left you all heartbroken and alone. I understand why you were resentful at contacting him back again. I would have done the same thing.

 

When you trust someone with your heart and he breaks up with you, something very deep in us snaps. A vase falls to the floor and is shattered into a thousand pieces. The sky falls onto us. The dream changes into a cold nightmare which is sadly enough reality. And it's all because of 'him'.

 

He should understand how you were feeling. You didn't trust him anymore and that's understandable. Someone that once broke our hearts, could do it again no? Gain our confidence again and again strike like lightning. You were just cautious. If he really wanted to have contact with you again, he should have been more 'proactive'. Not sending messages, but writing a real mail explaining things, or a phone call, or something more than pressing a couple of buttons.

 

Now he's being resentful and suspicious. Or guarding his emotions? Or i could be totally wrong and it's all a misunderstanding. Who knows..?

[kichelka]

You can't change what happened; he isn't responding to your communications. What other options do you have?

 

 

You may be right back at that same place now.

 

I waited for two years and finally met someone. The timing was off. I really wish I could go back to that time and respond, but you are probably right.

[kichelka]

One of the worst things we all do is presume too much. We don't know what's going on so we either believe it's good news or bad.

 

For all you know, his computer blew up and he can't respond.

 

You've put the ball back in his court and left it for him to decide, you really can't do much more now. As hard as it is, you have to step back and see what happens. Give it a week but try not to think about it during that time, you'll only start presuming even more.

 

If after a week, do I presume he is not interested in communicating with me? I cannot respond anymore at this point.

[kichelka]

Oww dear Kichelka, i feel for you. He left you and left you all heartbroken and alone. I understand why you were resentful at contacting him back again. I would have done the same thing.

 

When you trust someone with your heart and he breaks up with you, something very deep in us snaps. A vase falls to the floor and is shattered into a thousand pieces. The sky falls onto us. The dream changes into a cold nightmare which is sadly enough reality. And it's all because of 'him'.

 

He should understand how you were feeling. You didn't trust him anymore and that's understandable. Someone that once broke our hearts, could do it again no? Gain our confidence again and again strike like lightning. You were just cautious. If he really wanted to have contact with you again, he should have been more 'proactive'. Not sending messages, but writing a real mail explaining things, or a phone call, or something more than pressing a couple of buttons.

 

Now he's being resentful and suspicious. Or guarding his emotions? Or i could be totally wrong and it's all a misunderstanding. Who knows..?

 

Kamila, thank you. That is what I felt, among a lot of other feelings. I had forced myself to move and it was the most painful feeling that took over me for so long. I had been single all that time, secretly waiting for him and when he responded I had just met someone else to distract me. I waited a couple of weeks and actually posted on here about it, but no response so I moved on like before.

 

I can't believe I made a year go by and I really messed up there. I wish he could understand how I was feeling, never expected to hear from him again. I didn't actually say that in the email, but it's too late now to let him know.

 

He broke up with me once and for 6 months there was no contact. One day he showed up at the park near my apartment where I was with our dog and chased me down expressing how he loved me and I took him back.

 

Maybe it is too hard for him to conjure up old feelings for me. Maybe he has met someone and sees me as this annoying ex contacting him. I fear he hates me and is disgusted by me so he is ignoring me. Though I know I meant a lot to him, just thinking of the memories puts me in pieces. It was so innocent back then.

 

So now I just wait for him to respond, right? I know I have to. It is just so painful. Maybe this was how he was feeling last year?

[Nsweet]

Kichelka, believe it or not you actually didn't do anything wrong. You let him know you wanted to get in touch without being openly needy. As an other poster said "the ball is in his court", as in now he can decide wether or not to reply back or wait and dribble. You simply must not seem too available right now or you may give him the impression that he can have you back whenever he wants. The way you show him non-needy attention is through "active disinterest", where in this case you are best to wait a few days to a week before attempting to contact him again. If no luck then wait a week, then two weeks next time, then no more attempts after that. This may give him just enough of a reason to contact you once he realizes the emaily won't be comming anymore.

 

It would be nearly impossible to read his mind but based on what you said about him logging off after a few attempts at contact he may be upset that it took you so long to reply. Don't get discouraged and start to let your mind tell you stories or rationalize the irational, because you simply do not know. If give him time he probably will respond to you. By no means should you be in any hurry to openly accept him back but rather let him win you over slowly little by little. At this point he would need to attract you all over again and keep communication open by building trust & comfort. You don't want to seem too eager now so avoid, any talks of getting back together, any future activities you may have, and uncomfortable relationship talks, and any blame or guilt over the past. Keep everything light and fun when talking to him. Ask him more about himself than you talk about yourself, and by all means end the conversation on a high note and hang up first (if on the phone). At any time you feel uncomfortable talking to him you can Segway the topic to something you both can enjoy or end it before you both have nothing left so say. I usually try to end the phone call after 30 seconds of silence from both people.

[kichelka]

Kichelka, believe it or not you actually didn't do anything wrong. You let him know you wanted to get in touch without being openly needy. As an other poster said "the ball is in his court", as in now he can decide wether or not to reply back or wait and dribble. You simply must not seem too available right now or you may give him the impression that he can have you back whenever he wants. The way you show him non-needy attention is through "active disinterest", where in this case you are best to wait a few days to a week before attempting to contact him again. If no luck then wait a week, then two weeks next time, then no more attempts after that. This may give him just enough of a reason to contact you once he realizes the emaily won't be comming anymore.

 

It would be nearly impossible to read his mind but based on what you said about him logging off after a few attempts at contact he may be upset that it took you so long to reply. Don't get discouraged and start to let your mind tell you stories or rationalize the irational, because you simply do not know. If give him time he probably will respond to you. By no means should you be in any hurry to openly accept him back but rather let him win you over slowly little by little. At this point he would need to attract you all over again and keep communication open by building trust & comfort. You don't want to seem too eager now so avoid, any talks of getting back together, any future activities you may have, and uncomfortable relationship talks, and any blame or guilt over the past. Keep everything light and fun when talking to him. Ask him more about himself than you talk about yourself, and by all means end the conversation on a high note and hang up first (if on the phone). At any time you feel uncomfortable talking to him you can Segway the topic to something you both can enjoy or end it before you both have nothing left so say. I usually try to end the phone call after 30 seconds of silence from both people.

 

Thank you, Nsweet! I do feel that it is my fault though. I did myself a disservice by going over our old emails and chats and he was so sweet, and I was such a complainer. He was my best friend, we talked about everything! I haven't had that since. I would treat him so good if I could have another chance. I feel like I royally screwed up and he's gone. There is this haunting feeling that someone else has him.

 

I will wait 2 weeks and then send a light email, asking how he is. Maybe I scared him off with trying to communicate at once? There is either anger, resentment or something there for him to be ignoring me.

[Nsweet]

You did nothing wrong so don't feel guilty. You acted accordingly after he dumped you, from you're posts I can tell you're probably a really sweet and soft-hearted woman who doesn't like to hurt others feelngs. Relax and focus on yourself for now so you don't drive yourself crazy with the "what ifs".

 

If he is dating someone be happy for him that he is over the heartache of the old relationship. You dated another guy yourself and realized how much you loved him, so let him come to the same conclusion. Most likely if he's taken (for now) it is just a rebound relationship where his partner is a close personality match to yours to help ease the pain, but you can never duplicate the origional.

 

What you can do if he is taken (he may or may not be!) is act unaffected by this and build your friendship up again. You slowly build up comfort and that "I like you, but I don't need to have you" mind frame, them sooner or later with enough sexual tension of being close with a prior sexual relationship, you will be the Mrs. Right he never knew he had.

 

You won't get to that point unless you work on bettering yourself first. Take a look back at you're relationship when you're emotionally stable and make a list of all the qualities he believed you needed improving upon. Maybe join a gym and lost 10lbs in those 8 weeks, get new glasses, buy a few new clothes (at least one flattering in red), and go meet and make more guy friends (you'll feel more attractive and may have a few possible future relationships should this not work out). The better you feel about yourself later and can look back on how this breakup actually improved you, the better chances you have of reconciliation.

[kichelka]

Most likely if he's taken (for now) it is just a rebound relationship where his partner is a close personality match to yours to help ease the pain, but you can never duplicate the origional.

 

This hit me hard. My most recent ex (the only one since my first love) was very much like him. We met at my old job, he was the IT guy, same as my first love. Very similar personalities. It makes sense.

 

Thank you so much Nsweet for your clarity. I am a bit emotional lately so seeing it from other people's perspectives really is helping me not to freak out and assume the worst.

Edited August 19, 2011 by kichelka

[kichelka]

I noticed this afternoon that he took me off block on gmail chat. He hasn't said anything, but I'm no longer blocked! At least, I thought I was since he went offline a minute after I sent the gmail chat.

 

I am driving myself crazy over this. Any suggestions on how to occupy myself??

[kichelka]

I just wanted to make a final update for my situation.

 

He finally sent me a message in gmail chat. We chatted for a bit, he was pretty short in his responses at first and then asked why I had contacted him. I said it was just to say hello and see how he was. He said yea, same as him (a year ago) and there were no hidden agendas. We chatted for a few more minutes and well, there is nothing there! And that's okay! It's relieving. I think I regained my self pride and showed myself that I could be friendly to someone who hurt me so much in the past and who seemed indifferent to me at this point.

 

I am sad at the thought of what could have been, but you know, I will always have those innocent memories. I feel I had him at his most innocent. He doesn't seem like that person anymore, or at least to me. I think I am in love with the innocence of what we had - that is a major breakthrough for me. This will allow me to move on since I kept this hope hidden inside of me that it would work out.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me through this. I'm going to just let this settle inside of me and focus on really moving on. :)

[Nsweet]

Yeah sure, you could give up and wallow in sadness over what could have been, or you could give your love a second chance! Attract him all over again, revive the magic. I wouldn't trust a word he says to be completely how he feels until you've broken through his defended and talked heart to heart.

 

Once you take all the poetry and mysticism out of "love" you'll see it's nothing more than a series or qualifications and a final sacrifice to each other. You can start right away by figuring out what attracts other potential suitors to you. Beyond appearance and health, the characteristics are mainly confidence, investing in the other person, common interests, and high value. Most are easily understood except "high value" which comes in many forms, but mainly what I found it to be was BEING WONDERFUL, which means a bubbly and giving personality that encourages all around you. This is especially important when in the beginning of a new relationship or relindeling an old one, because let's face it...pecamism kills your chances.

 

Every time you talk to your ex take 15 minutes before to get happy. Let the phone ring if you must, which always help you seem less desperate, and listen to positive music or comedy. Even if he had a bad day your warm and sunny, unaffected personality will make him want to hear more from you. Keep that up for a few weeks while remaining not complete available(DESIRELESS), you know so you seem like a prize to be won.

 

Whatever you do, whatever he says, do not take his words about you and him as the complete from the heart truth, and do not let him get to you. He could be vengeful or sweet depending on the day until you two apologize and re-evaluate your relationship with a clean slate.

[kichelka]

Well geez. I guess I take what people say at face value too much, because that thought did not occur to me. He really seemed disinterested in a -please get what you want out of this conversation and leave me alone way.

 

Here's a little of the conversation. It lasted 40 minutes actually. It did not seem like 40 minutes, I was thinking maybe 10:

 

 

T: hi

me: Hi How are you?

T: i'm very well

me: Very good. I'm glad to hear.

T: got your email

good to hear you're good too

me: Yes, I'm sorry it took so long to respond. I meant to, and then it just never happened.

T: don't be sorry, at this point you can consider it a new email not a response

you did the right thing, it was your choice at that time

me: How are your parents?

T: they're doing well too

me: I'm glad. They are great people, I think about them sometimes. Are you in Poland still?

T: nope

back in the states

i did a lot of other traveling too, saw a lot of europe

me: I'm happy for you! I know how much you were wanting to travel. That's wonderful

T: why did you want to get in touch with me?

me: I'm at a place in my life where I felt it was time to say hello, see how you are.

T: ahh ok

me: Same as you last year, I presume. That is all.

T: yea i just wanted to say hello, no agendas

me: It was good to catch up a bit. I'm heading out, keep in touch.

T: take it easy

 

The parts that stuck out to me where

1) He was very vague about where in the states he now lives. We did not grow up in the same state, since he moved to be with me - and then we both moved to another state together.

2) He seemed puzzled that I would contact him, and made it clear he had no agenda, other than just wanting to say hello.

 

He is also offline now, which makes me think this was a one time deal. But at least I did something right - I stayed positive.

[Nsweet]

Not too bad I guess, but 40 minutes is a long time for any awkward phone communication. Can you cut it down to 10-15 minutes in the future? You want to leave before you've exhausted everything you had to say, and always leave them wanting more.

 

For starters you don't want to know where he lives so don't ask more than once! He is unsure about letting you have that information now, but given a dew months he will most likely share more than that with you.

 

Of course he would tell you he had no agenda to your face. I have never met a man who wouldn't talk to a pretty girl without having that though deep seeded in his mind. As the saying in evolution goes, "is it a friend, foe, or mate?". He obviously won't tell you until he knows he will get the same feelings back. Don't go jumping all over him just yet and say the magic words "I love you" or "I kiss you", rather let him deserve to hear those words.

 

I'm betting a carefull constructed apology letter would open some doors here bit with it you have to understand what comes in the stages after with shock,regret,rationalizing, anger, acceptance.... And most likely NC on his part!

I can help you with this later on.

[kichelka]

Not too bad I guess, but 40 minutes is a long time for any awkward phone communication. Can you cut it down to 10-15 minutes in the future? You want to leave before you've exhausted everything you had to say, and always leave them wanting more.

 

For starters you don't want to know where he lives so don't ask more than once! He is unsure about letting you have that information now, but given a dew months he will most likely share more than that with you.

 

Of course he would tell you he had no agenda to your face. I have never met a man who wouldn't talk to a pretty girl without having that though deep seeded in his mind. As the saying in evolution goes, "is it a friend, foe, or mate?". He obviously won't tell you until he knows he will get the same feelings back. Don't go jumping all over him just yet and say the magic words "I love you" or "I kiss you", rather let him deserve to hear those words.

 

I'm betting a carefull constructed apology letter would open some doors here bit with it you have to understand what comes in the stages after with shock,regret,rationalizing, anger, acceptance.... And most likely NC on his part!

I can help you with this later on.

 

It was probably too long. We talked chatted over gmail IM. I would have been too nervous for a phone call.. I can still remember his voice..

 

I don't plan on contacting him again, he has to make the next contact. I'm not too convinced he wants to stay in contact since he said "take care". I do feel regret and that is on my part. I'm trying to accept that I lost this one. Is that what you mean by acceptance?

 

Also, I'm scared to ask, but is it common for guys in his situation to go NC after this? I am going to have to prepare myself for that. It was so nice to speak to him again! When that window popped up and he said "hi" and I responded, it was such a high. We always used to say "hi" like that. If he would have said "hey" or "hello" that would have been a bad sign.

 

I did send a short email except he never responded to it. I cannot see myself getting an apology letter from him. Is it normal to have let a lot of the resentment I held back then go?

 

Nsweet thank you for taking the time to keep responding. It means a lot.

Edited August 20, 2011 by kichelka

[Frank13]

Really? How complicated do you need to make this? After a long history together, you chose not to respond to his contact because you were angry that he had waited so long.

 

And now he has refused to respond to your contact, coincidentally, after you had waited a very long time to speak to him, and additionally, you're on the heels of an ended relationship.

 

It's not that terribly complicated.

 

I was going to say the same thing. They are both on a power trip trying to show the other how they can't be influenced by them. Well, their stuborness has caused them both to lose.