Reverse Psychology and the Rebound.

[Chuck Bartowski]

I found this post on another forum and thought it may be good to share it here. I found it helped me understand why I needed to remain in NC and heal myself before trying to jump into another relation ship as my ex did.

 

To the moderator of the forum; If this is not allowed please delete this thread...

 

Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

I've been thinking a lot about the situations that a lot of us are in where our exes began dating somebody very soon after the break-up. A lot of people classify these as rebounds, but sometimes they work out.

 

I have a theory that if the dumpee remains in the picture, the rebound will become a successful relationship; while if the dumpee leaves, the dumper is more likely to become newly attracted to the missing dumpee, and return.

 

To elaborate....

 

From reading some situations on ENA it seems to me that a dumper's "rebound" relationship is more likely to last if the dumpee remains in the picture in some capacity, whether as a friend or as the ex trying to "win back" the dumper. I feel like this gives the dumper control over the dumpee, knowing that he/she is a sure thing, which therefore decreases the dumper's attraction to the dumpee. The dumper can then freely pursue this new person, while knowing that (just in case) the ex is waiting on the sidelines. I've even read about some of these "rebound" relationships leading to engagement and marriage when the dumpee is still in contact.

 

One case in particular I have heard of - the dumpee told the dumper that she feared he was going to be engaged soon to the new person, which he wrote off as absurd. But...it came true several months later. It's like in some twisted way the dumper played on the dumpee's fear - made that fear a reality - to maintain control over her feelings. I think it's a completely unconscious decision to manipulate in this way, but in a very twisted way, it makes sense...

 

It seems that the more often a dumpee wins back the dumper is by exiting the picture completely while the dumper pursues this new person. I think it gives the dumper a chance to realize that the "sure thing" they had (due to his/her initial attempts to reconcile and get back together) is gone and that once the excitement of the new person wears off, they miss their ex.

 

It's a matter of reverse psychology - we always want what we think we can't have. And we don't miss what we have until it's gone.

 

Does anyone have examples that would "prove" this theory? Or examples that completely negate it?

"Don't jump FROM something; jump TO something."

[Chuck Bartowski]

Originally posted by "Zorba" on another forum. He has been inactive for a while but I found his posts very enlightening. Thanks Zorba!

 

I think love4life has a very good point here and I've seen it happen. I would also say I've seen more women do this to dumpees.

 

OK my theory? Bear in mind this is my experience of women from the point of view of a man and I've seen far more women than men do this and far more women than men do the rebound route in my humble opinion. The other way around may be different. I've dropped in here from time to time so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth(oh oh)

 

If the dumpee sticks around trying to be "friends" with the dumper, the rebound person has a much easier time of it. The rebound person doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive, because someone else is taking up the slack. A someone else who knows the dumper far better. This goes back and forth until the rebound learns enough to take over from the dumpee and that's when the dumpee is pushed out(or they find someone completely new).

 

Basically, if the ex is a long termer and the couple have gone past the honeymoon stage and are in the attachment stage, they are still in that attachment stage even with the split, especially if they were very close and the split wasn't an aggressive one. The dumpers are in the honeymoon stage with the rebound. The dumper gets the best of both worlds. Great deal for the rebound as well, as they get all the fun of a couple without the hassle. The dumpee get's to be a shoulder to cry on, sleepless nights and no sex. Not a good deal.

 

When people say they're torn between two lovers this is generally what they mean. They can be in love with both, but at different stages in the relationship. They're making one lover out of two essentially. They get the excitement of the new with the comfort of the old. This is why the "lets be friends" stuff happens. It's also one of the reasons why affairs in otherwise strong relationships can happen. You can be in love with two. the ideal is to stay with one through the attachment, but all too often people want the easy or more exiting option. Work is old fashioned.

 

You'll hear this quite plainly if you listen to the dumper. They say things like "you're my best friend/brother/sister etc" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That's attachment. The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around.

 

Find out the reason why you think that happened. Find out the causes and if they're in your power to fix them, then fix them as you're next relationship will probably founder for the same reasons. Most importantly do this for you.

 

Don't buy this? OK look around objectively at relationships you know that have had bigger stresses on them than yours. The ones where they're always fighting, breaking up, cheating, yet still stay together. Look at the women and men you know in what you see to be bad relationships that seem to have no future and are always up and down. The men you know with dense, needy, weird, bítches and the women you know with broke bad boy hairy bikers. Why? Beyond the obvious like bullying or possessive scenarios, they still have that sexual chemistry and attraction going on. Look at the early honeymoon part of your own relationships. You will take far more crap and outside stresses at that stage than later. You don't even notice the problems then. Usually the exact same problems that will usually split you up as a couple down the line.

 

I digressed... Back to the rebound/dumpee situation.

 

The dumpee is like a pair of comfortable slippers, the rebound is like a pair of expensive pumps. As I say, over time with the dumpees help, the rebound becomes like a pair of expensive pumps with more comfortable heels. OK very stretched out anology but you get my drift...

 

The rebound will generally fail in the long term because the dumper hasn't had enough time to get over the previous relationship. The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails. This is an advantage to the dumpee if they use it. They use it by letting the rebound do all the work. After all they are getting "paid" for it.

 

If you're a dumpee in this case and if you want your ex back. Which let's be honest this is what most here want. Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them.

 

When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode.

 

Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on.

 

If they do come back into your life down the line(and they will if you do this and there was a good connection in the past), then the new more attractive, more self sufficient you that doesn't need anyone, but may want to share your life with someone, will really get their minds and more importantly their hearts thinking. It'll also get their sexual side thinking too and that's what really split you up in the first place. The lack of neediness, added strength is a BIG plus point if you're a man. If a woman felt they left you as a boy and then she finds you as a man six months later, then you are in with more than a chance with her(and every other woman). This will also increase your mystery to her as it should come as a bit of a surprise to her. All good. Especially for you as a person. Men are more visual creatures in general, so if they see the ex and she's lost weight and looks sexier and more confident, he will think twice. Women are both visual and emotional, so even if you show up like Brad Pitt and are still the needy, weak, non committal boy they left, the most you can hope for is "ex sex".

 

Yes it's true that you can't make anyone fall in love with you, but you can increase the chances that they will. These chances are far higher in one way with an ex as they've already fallen in love with you before. Time apart and you acting like an adult, not being needy, getting physically fitter and more attractive will attract them or any other person far quicker.

 

It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature.

 

I've seen this work time and time again(with men who have been dumped). Before anyone says this is playing games. It isn't. In any case we all play games and hide our true intent when we want to get someone new. We all have tactics for that. Put it this way, on your first date do you belch, scratch yourself, show up in old smelly clothes, with your hair in a mess or with no makeup? No you don't. You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with.

 

Use this split to your advantage. The ball is in your court. Use the pain to make you the best you that you can be. If you don't you'll be going through this again and again and you'll have no one but yourself to blame.

 

It was a bit rambling, but I hope I got the bones of my weirdo theory across.

Awaits the flames.......

 

PS In your time apart look at the ex. I mean really look at them. Did they make your life better or did you just think they did? Also look at your exes new relationship. Is the new person bad for them or are they better for them than you were? Only you know the answers to these questions and you don't need a psychologist/counselor/shrink to tell you either as if you're honest with yourself you know the truth.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Another Zorba Original...

All those self help books on love, exes, attraction etc are all plugging the same line, mostly with a lot of padding on top of the basic facts.

 

Painting it in very broad strokes and generalisations, The initial sexual attraction gets two people together. The idea that you on a very basic level want to reproduce with this person. Long term that grows into intimacy and attachment and commitment. When one of the partners feels there's no future in the relationship or "something better" comes along(the first usually kickstarts the last) the relationship splits.

 

The new person is more attractive from both a sexual and novelty viewpoint. The only way you're getting an ex back is by getting that part of what you had back. You have advantages and disadvantages as an ex.

 

The bad news is that you can't really compete with the novelty. Basically because the dumper thinks they know you pretty well. They know your moves, they know what you're likely to do in any given situation. They are used to you in conversation, in bed and social settings. You broke some agreement in their heads over trust or fidelity or simply thoughts of a future. The big part is they looked at you, thought about it(usually) and decided that you were not good enough to continue with in a sexual relationship involving a shared future. That's basically it.

 

If it wasn't about sex(and all that means in it's entirety) then when you split you would continue to have sex. If it was about emotional support and companionship, why do so many dumpers want you as a "friend"? See what I mean? To have a chance of getting an ex back to you, you have to get him or her sexual side interested in you. That's the pat that is driving them to have a longterm couple relationship with you. It's the glue that holds it together. Am I saying it's all about sex? No I'm not, that's just a shorthand for all the things that bring and hold a couple together. You're compatible, you're good for each other, you can both see a future together, that makes you want to reproduce with each other etc.

 

The good news? They fell in love with you before, so you're broadly their "type". The longer they were with you and the older they are the truer that is. If your ex is 17 then I would say forget it. All bets are off. They don't know what their type is, or at least they don't know what their type will be in 5 years time. Your ex doesn't know the rebound(they think they do, but they're only projecting a fantasy at that point). All they know is that it's new and they're not you. The finding out is initially fun, but if basic compatibilities are not there or even if they are the transitional period into attachment is just as variable as it was with you. Also you know them and you know their needs and if you examine what went wrong in the relationship you can fix that should you want to. You know them better than the rebound. The more the rebound goes on for(if it is a rebound) the more their problems, the problems that your ex has ignored, come to the fore.

 

If you've improved yourself, for yourself in the interim. If you've had LC with the ex and didn't go all childish and immature when you instigated LC or NC, then he/she will think of you. The time apart will tend to make them forget about your bad sides and the things that made them lose their attraction for you. Nostalgia will kick in. When you think about a good holiday you had, you don't tend to remember the waiting around in airports or the bad food one night or the sunburn, except as jokey things. You think about the god parts of the holiday itself. Same with relationships pretty much(unless they were abusive).

 

How do you do this. Easy enough. In no particular order.

 

1. Don't panic and have patience. This isn't a destination it's a journey.

 

2. Really look at the old relationship. Why did it fail? If you went back would it fail for the same basic reasons?

 

3. After the above, ask yourself do you really want them back or are you just in a panic and want what you thought you had? Are you just scared you won't find someone else? If the truthful answer is no, then forge ahead.

 

4. massively reduce or break contact. Individual cases need individual responses. When you do this, do it with kindness, not in a petulant way*. If you're still friends(and for good chance of longterm success I think you need to be still friendly) with the ex and the initial shock of the split has eased all the better. Let them know that this time apart is for them as well as you. Let them know you don't know what the future holds, but for the time being and maybe forever, you can't be friends to each other. Wish them all the love you had for them in their new life. Then leave their new life.

 

5. If they ring or msg or email and you can take the call then take it. keep it short and sweet and avoid talking about the old relationship or relationships in general. Don't be too quick to reply but be mannerly about it. listen to them and what they're saying. People tell you all the time what they mean, so just listen with an objective ear. Don't contact them.

 

6. Move on. LET HER/HIM GO. Even bigger, let your old self go. Forgive yourself and them and improve from that. Improve yourself(gym/hobbies/the usual). As I said this is a time for you. It's a great chance to be free. You're no longer Us you're you and the sooner you apply that to your life both in and out of relationships the better. See other people. That will help you discover if getting the ex back was a kneejerk panic reaction. DO NOT start a serious relationship with someone else unless you have truly moved on and don't want to go back to the ex. Be very careful about this. You stand a good chance of hurting yourself and them. That kind of karma will come back to haunt you.

 

7. Never tell them you've changed. As Superdave says show them. You do that by letting go for a start. You also create novelty where they thought there was none by showing those changes. Old parts of you they loved+new parts they never expected= major attraction.

 

8. Never make them feel guilty for leaving you. It makes you look weak. Poison in a woman's eyes when she looks at a man.

 

9. If they want to come back, do not accept anything from them until they've worked for it and shown you they've changed and are willing and able to work on a new relationship, that just happens to have the two of you in it.

 

10. If it looks good and you are starting again, don't tell them you love them from the start, especially the way you did during the breakup. The reason it didn't work then is because a) it didn't matter, they didn't feel the same, or b) they instinctively knew it was all about you not them. I loooove you! when faced with a split is used as a bargaining tool or as an side effect of panic.

 

11. Build a new better relationship with them. The same way you built an new better relationship with yourself.

 

12. If there was real love and affection there and you have both grown up a bit, the chance is good you will reconnect. If you don't the you'll be a better person and you will have the split to thank for that.

 

I've probably missed a lot of stuff there, but If I think of anymore(maybe not I've outstayed my welcome..).

 

* I would put money that if you do the NC in a petulant or childish way, they will know it. The only way they'll come back in 90% of cases after that is when and if the rebound/new relationship goes sour. I read and have a lot of admiration for Superdave's posts on this subject. I actually came into this particular part of this site through reading his stuff. It's very good advice(I've given some of it to a friend of mine going through similar). He advocates NC for the dumpee and I see and understand his very valid reasonings. It get YOU back and that is the best thing. That said if after you get yourself back and you still want the ex back in your life, going radical NC out of the blue will not help your case. Now he got his ex back and it's going well and good luck to the pair of them. The truth is however, his ex only came back because the rebound dumped her. Fact. Superdave rightfully made her work to get back his love and respect, but I would be very very surprised if she had come back if the rebound guy(the love of her life apparently at one stage) hadn't dumped her. That said, there are people here that come across as very needy. NC helps them let go and grow up and that's good.

[MovingOn13]

Wow. Amazing posts! Very true posts, especially on an evolutionary theory point of view.

 

My ex pulled the friends card, "but ive known you for 6 years(attachment)" crying including. Went cold NC and 6 months later i get a friend request on FB.

 

I cannot stress the importance of the dumpee not serving the "emotional" need of the dumper and let him/her get what they choose. It is so true that dumpers often want a win win situation. Date a new person and get all the novel feelings while still having the dumpee in the background picking up bread crumbs.

 

disappear, work on yourself, become the best you to attract the best person for you.

 

Water always reaches its own level.

[Gabari0219]

Just amazing...!!!!