Contacting your Ex girl friend? Good idea or Bad Idea?

[remy1981]

First I need to describe her.

Lawyer, very attractive, independent, Strong minded

28 year old, has a history of bailing on relationships when someone tries to get close. I believe she keeps at a distance and runs the first signs of someone showing to much interest. I truly believe she thinks she is going to loose all her independence when she commits to a guy. I knew this was who she is but I thought I would give it a shot.

 

Our relationship was long distance, we seen each other every 2 weeks aside for spending all summer together our time together was epic. We did this for about 10 months we also had tons of laughs, food, wine, trips, never fights except a few time we put each other in our places nothing major. I think we were simply amazing for each other.

 

I truly believe she was head over heals in love with me from all her actions. I've been in many relationship before and have never been treated so good. She was always begging for me to open up and tell her how I feel, and I'm starting to think this is why it work so well for so long is because we never talked about our feelings, I would always tell her Judge me by my actions. So I decide this girl must be for real she must love me more than anything, so I proposed living in the same area providing I could land a job that would have been the only way I would have moved and that scared her off. It was a long distance relationship I wanted to basically work towards being together in the same city. I wanted to take things to the next level but she was not ready.

 

 

Below is a reply I got from her after I said I was willing to move there. I wished I left things alone but I can't change how I felt.

 

"Ur looking for more from me than I can give. I've been happy with the way things were, coasting along, and that talk made me start thinking that we probably aren't right for each other. I like the long distance. I like missing u. I like the way my life is. I'm not ready to plan for anything. I can't see myself married to u or having kids with u. I don't want to feel that way. But that's how it is. If we were right for each other, I should be pushing for u to move hear and be thinking about our future but I'm not. Because I'm not, I reluctantly recognize its not right. I've loved u so much and feel so sick thinking about all this. My whole body is shaking and I'm struggling to type. I feel like vomiting. My head is splitting."

 

Another part of the story she pulled off something similar about 2 or 3 months into the relationship, after we had an amazing weekend together. Even before I left that weekend she was begging me to bang her, than the next day I get this emailing basically saying your not the guy for me but I want to keep you in my life. Since I already had a train ticket booked to go see her on my birthday 2 weeks later and I wasn't that attached at this point, I basically said sounds good if you just want to have sex lets just keep it at that and we will only see each other when I'm driving through the area which is on my way back home. But things progressed from there and she was back to treating me like king **** and she basically apologies for the letter I said she got scared. After that I always kept a little distant sensing that one day she would do the same but she just kept coming on strong and stronger telling me how much she loved all the time and wishes I was there. Her coming on obiviously lead me to believe she was very into me..... etc

 

Here was the last massage I got from her.

 

You are amazing! I love so many things about you, especially ur attitude. I'm sorry I put you in any sort of vulnerable or uncomfortable situation. It wasn't intentional and I was just trying to figure it all out.

 

I have no regrets. Every minute I spent with u was epic! I laughed so much and just thoroughly enjoyed it all. I'm sorry that in the end I was so crabby. I was just searching to figure out how I really felt (among other things - I'm still really tired and feeling very off).

 

I'm still sad because I loved having u in my life and am going to miss our dinners and road trips. I fear that no one else will make me feel the way u did. But its something I have to face and deal with. If ever u need to talk, legal or otherwise, call me. I'm still the same old me and will make u laugh or beat some sense into u.

Sweet dreams

Xoxox

 

We haven't talked for a almost 4 weeks of no contact. I having a stupid feeling of just wanting contact her and telling her that I don't care that it's not meant to be I still want her in my life also even if it's through email. I have a burning desire to get her in my back in my life and I wanted to Marry this girl. Any advice. I want to write her a letter and open up communication but not a letter of I want you back just a like a thank you letter. Please help

Edited January 8, 2011 by remy1981

[runforafall]

First I need to describe her.

I having a stupid feeling of just wanting contact her and telling her that I don't care that it's not meant to be I still want her in my life also even if it's through email.

 

Mate - this makes you sound desperate and will be big turn off to her.

 

Don't do it!

[Mrlonelyone]

I feel your pain. I wish I could tell you how to get such a woman to want to settle down... It may just not be in the cards.

 

I don't get what a thankyou letter would be for. Just what are you thanking her for? It sounds like she enjoyed some good times just as much as you did. She should perhaps thank you if anything.

 

Provided she knows how you feel...maintain no contact. No contact can be funny as it can end up making someone miss you. If it does not, then you can just heal from the breakup.

 

Based on the history of her implusively breaking up with you before I think it's likely she'll be back. It might not be anytime soon.

[Distant78]

Don't do it. She only said those things because she wants to retain her freedom of messing around. If she really wanted a relationship with you, it wouldn't just be based on her terms. Maintain NC with her and find someone who will pay attention and be loyal to you. Deuces.

[remy1981]

I truly believe she was 150% loyal, I think her issue was commitment. She is an old school type of girl, Parents never divorced. Besides her High School boy friend, I was the only guy she ever brought home. I don't think she's the type lie cheat or mislead people, and those are just some of reasons why I fell in love with her, I guess.

[USMCHokie]

I didn't read your post, OP, but I didn't need to.

 

It's a bad idea.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hell no don't contact her. She knew how you felt, and when you told her you wanted to take the relationship to the next level she ran like a coward. My stbxH did the same thing... be glad she's bailed now and not after you are married.

 

You want to get married and there are tons of girls out there that would love to date you and marry you. Find one of them, you won't regret it, but you will one day regret chasing after this chick that has commitment issues.

[vivrantflo]

I believe she keeps at a distance and runs the first signs of someone showing to much interest. I truly believe she thinks she is going to loose all her independence when she commits to a guy. I knew this was who she is but I thought I would give it a shot.

 

For future reference, red flags like this, should never, EVER be ignored.

 

 

I like the long distance. I like missing u. I like the way my life is. I'm not ready to plan for anything.

 

You don't like long distance, and enjoying the feeling of missing someone, is kinda strange..regardless, she's telling you she's happy with her life, and isn't ready to settle.

 

 

I can't see myself married to u or having kids with u. I don't want to feel that way. But that's how it is.

 

What I don't get, is why you would have a "burning desire" to contact a former romantic partner, that can say this to you. The two of you have ZERO common future goals. This should be easy to walk away from.

 

 

If we were right for each other, I should be pushing for u to move hear and be thinking about our future but I'm not.

 

Oh wait a minute, she DOES want to settle and have a future with someone! Just not you. Stop making excuses for her, about how she runs from commitment. You actually fell into a trap that most men play on unsuspecting women.

 

 

I have a burning desire to get her in my back in my life and I wanted to Marry this girl. Any advice. I want to write her a letter and open up communication but not a letter of I want you back just a like a thank you letter. Please help

 

There really isn't a reason to want her back in your life. She doesn't want to share the same things with you. I understand that's hard to swallow, but at least she was upfront with you from the get go. Don't write anything to her man. What good is it going to do? You had a long distance "relationship" with her, and she was able to somewhat see your qualities, yet she is not interested.

 

I know you have a lot to offer someone, and you know this too. This woman has "heartbreaker" written all over her, and it's best to close this chapter of your life. Use this experience as a learning one..Never ignore red flags, and never settle!

 

You want a commitment. You don't want a casual relationship, and you don't want a long distance relationship, so in turn, you shouldn't want her.

 

Good luck

[aerogurl87]

She said she didn't see herself being married to you or bearing your children when you wanted commitment. She said she liked being in a long distance relationship with you and didn't want you to move closer. Those things within themselves should be enough to knock some sense into you. DO NOT CONTACT HER!

[remy1981]

Thanks everyone, I'm not going to contact her, I guess the writing has always been on the wall, but you somehow think you change things, I realize you can never change the person so either you accept her or move on. I wanted to call things off with her because I was starting to think she could never give me what I wanted my EGO got hurt in the process. I guess all I ever wanted was to see some sort of end in site and she couldn't give me that.