Meeting the ex after over 6 months

[dng]

Long story, long story.

 

Oh I wavered and wavered.

 

Last NC lasted for well over 1 month. Not much by alot of people's standards but it was alot of efforts for me to stay away from her that I've loved on and off for 9 years. She has loved me so hard, like no one else before. She has always forgiven me every mistake I've done. We have kept each other together for years, and took each other apart a bunch of times too.

 

It took alot of flings and nights out to keep me occupied.

 

When she bounced we talked every 2-3 days but she was cold. She was doing most of the calling and texting but it was mostly "keep in touch" information and contacts.

 

After a month she crushed on some dude.

 

She didnt say anything about it to me for another month and when she told me they were already over but she pretended nothing had happened.

 

I freaked out, lashed out. Then tried my best to stay cool and show her I really meant to not lose her for good. There was no begging but alot of questions; are you sure this is what you want? Do you really want to run the risk of losing our thing forever? Her answers were always in the line of "I don't know but I'm mad at you and we can't be together right now".

 

She didn't tell me what had really happened after another month and I dropped out of sight and told her we were done. At that point we were 3 months apart.

 

Followed 3 months of me being NC, and her breaking throught every month or so but I was so angry I would only lash at her and destroy all her efforts of getting back together and then go NC again. I asked her so many times to leave me alone. I got really hardcore, blocked her everywhere, even on my phone.

 

I found her to be somewhat untruthful and very unreliable during the whole period. She had started BC therapy and told me she couldn't come back until she figured out what was wrong with her. Then the next day would ask to come see me, I would agree. But then I would feel she wasn't sure and I would cancel the meeting and run for hills.

 

I think I have to state that when she left, she said it was temporary. After a while, she started saying she wasn't sure she loved me anymore and had to figure it out. Now she's back to saying it was always temporary and whatever things she said to the contrary, she was trying to be tought with me because she had always been too soft.

 

My phone later crashed and I restored it but didn't restore the blocking settings. She called me on the 31th of december but I ignored.

 

Later on, I broke NC. On the 2nd of Jan, happy new year, wish you find happiness and balance in your life. First xmas without her for a decade. Mistake? Possibly.

 

She blew up my phone and we ended talking for something like 6 hours last night.

 

She cried me an ocean. Regrets leaving everyday, regrets having a rebound thing and said it made her feel better but not for long. She said she broke it off after telling me "I met someone" because I lashed out and freaked out.

 

She told me she wonders if she unconciously did that to make to sure I would never take her back.

 

She said she realized it was her fault for making this mess, her own insecurities made her leave and she left for the wrong reasons.

 

She told me she wants to see me and do anything for me and would like me to take her back but its my decision.

 

I agreed to let her come by tonight, which means she has to take a bus for 3 hours.

 

I made it clear to her I wasn't a plan B and if I detected anything I didn't like I would not entertain the idea of getting back together.

 

Am I making a fool of myself here?

[dng]

Looks like I can answer this one myself. She was supposed to text me from the bus and I haven't heard anything and she's not answering her phone.

 

I saw it coming so its all good.

[DustySaltus]

As always, actions speak louder than words. If she really wanted to work things out, she would be beating down your door. That's the ONLY way you could ever look towards a reconciliation. I'm sorry you had to go through this, just don't let it happen again and remain complete NC. Give yourself time to heal. It's all about you now.

[Mrlonelyone]

Looks like I can answer this one myself. She was supposed to text me from the bus and I haven't heard anything and she's not answering her phone.

 

I saw it coming so its all good.

She told me she wants to see me and do anything for me and would like me to take her back but its my decision.

 

I agreed to let her come by tonight, which means she has to take a bus for 3 hours.

 

Before writing her off see if she has a good excuse for not making the 3 hour bus ride. To what she has said sounds like if not beating down your door she's screaming at it.

 

I don't think your making a fool of yourself.

 

She's calling you and asking for you back.

She's agreeing to come see you.

She's taking all the blame for the breakup.

 

If anything she's the one acting the fool.

[LifeIsGreat]

Mrlonelyone...

 

With all due respect, there is no way she can have an excuse for AT LEAST calling him to let him know she would not be able to make the trip.

 

His ex is being very flaky. IMHO... his relationship is becoming WAY TOO MUCH WORK. It should not be this difficult.

[dng]

She called me at 21h30 and just flaked out, pretending it was because I didnt make it clear I'd fetch her from the bus station.

 

Its all good. I see her passive-aggressive ways of pinning everything on me in its full glory.

 

She's also supposed to be at my doorstep tonight at 18h30 and I know she won't be.

 

NC is the best way to heal for most, probably for me too, but this, while being somewhat painful, is nothing compared to the pain I was experiencing over the summer.

 

I'll be just fine - and the more she does this, the less I want to have anything to do with her.

[dng]

Funny how these things play out.

 

She poured her heart out to me and the single most important thing she wanted was to see me.

 

I got home and there's no one on the front steps, of course. I expected it but still hoped a little that she would be here.

 

This is by no means a hard blow or anything like that. I've made my peace with it being over some months ago.

 

Its just funny how the minute you break NC for someone.. it relieves them, they start feeling better and they can go on for another while, knowing they left you but you still want them.

 

This is textbook from LS and I knew it. I guess I had to say yes because I was curious as to what would happen.

 

Still. I wouldn't entertain the idea of messing with someone's emotions like she just did.

 

It's evil.

[dng]

Here's one for the archives.

 

It amazes me to see the same story repeated over and over and over on LS.

 

I just spoke to her mom. I called her because I don't know what to do to make her stop calling me and setting me up.

 

We talked for awhile, her mom had no idea she was doing this all the time.

 

We talked some more and turns out... She's been seeing the guy on and off ever since she left.

 

She told me it was 3 weeks and they stopped.

 

I'm shaking with rage right now. Yeah ignorance is a bliss maybe, but I'm glad I don't ignore that one because now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that's she is a lier lier lier lier. She even calling me paranoid for "feeling" she was still seeing him.

 

A person you love telling you to ignore your instincts and believe their lies instead.

 

Well may this serve as a lesson to others.

[cerridwen]

I haven't been posting on your thread but have been following your story.

 

Holy. Crap.

 

You're opening some eyes to just how brutal people can be and you're serving up a good cautionary tale. Sorry it's happening to you but thank you for sharing.

[dng]

Come on folks. Cheer me up.

[durkadurka]

Sounds like what my ex did before we went to Vegas.

 

It's all good man, now you know you can close the book on that one for good.

[cerridwen]

Here's one for the archives.

 

I'm shaking with rage right now. Yeah ignorance is a bliss maybe, but I'm glad I don't ignore that one because now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that's she is a lier lier lier lier. She even calling me paranoid for "feeling" she was still seeing him.

 

Dng, you've been set free.

You don't have to waffle in uncertainty anymore.

It's one of the hardest things in breakups; the question of the unknown, the question of if you're being fair.

You HAVE been fair.

You gave this girl EVERY opportunity which is befitting a relationship of 9 years.

Try to grab onto that little bit of peace this offers. You KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT SHE IS A LIAR.

Disappointing on one hand, but as Carhill said in another thread: honesty facilitates clarity facilitates acceptance.

You're closer to moving on now.

 

Meanwhile, she just set herself up for an a$$-full of regret later on.

[dng]

I don't know that she'll regret or not. I know what has happened to me in this breakup, a slow moral and emotional breakdown.

 

I've discovered a mean spirited and deeply unhappy little girl where I saw a mature woman.

 

In the end, last night I sent her 2-3 texts that were super mean and designed to inflict maximal damage.

 

I didn't sleep well because of what I did.

 

So this morning I manned up and sent her a short note. Expressing I was sorry for my mean words, that I forgave her everything she did. That I was now free and she was now free. Adios.

 

So now I'm walking away like a man.

[dng]

A little update.

 

I woke up with an email from her. A reply to my "Sorry for the harsh words, I forgive you everything, I'm walking away for good, Adios".

 

Goes something like...

 

"I don't understand why you're doing this. I don't understand why you called my mom and made it ever worse for me and I don't understand what you've gathered from what she told you. I see that you cannot love me, cannot respect me and cannot understand me.

 

You are wishing me pain, I'm already in hell."

 

 

Man she knows how to push my buttons. I want to just decide that she's a bad person but its not black&white and we both have our faults.

 

In any case, she set me up and never showed up!

 

I've deleted the email and cannot answer it. I have a feeling now that I'm like a drug to her and she needs her fix to feel loved and wanted.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's very possible.

 

Attention is like a drug for most people. It feels good to get good attention...your brain rewards you with good feelings for it.

 

That very same mechanism is why we here don't fully let go of the ex.

 

It feels good to get their attention.

It feels good to see a picture of them.

It feels good to hear their voice on the phone.

 

While not doing those things can hurt in a very real and definite way. Heartbreak almost feels like withdrawl from having that persons attention.

[DustySaltus]

A little update.

 

I woke up with an email from her. A reply to my "Sorry for the harsh words, I forgive you everything, I'm walking away for good, Adios".

 

Goes something like...

 

"I don't understand why you're doing this. I don't understand why you called my mom and made it ever worse for me and I don't understand what you've gathered from what she told you. I see that you cannot love me, cannot respect me and cannot understand me.

 

You are wishing me pain, I'm already in hell."

 

 

Man she knows how to push my buttons. I want to just decide that she's a bad person but its not black&white and we both have our faults.

 

In any case, she set me up and never showed up!

 

I've deleted the email and cannot answer it. I have a feeling now that I'm like a drug to her and she needs her fix to feel loved and wanted.

 

Classic case of deflection of blame. She said she was going to show up and didn't. You reacted. Now she is trying to make you out to be the bad guy.

 

You need to cut off ALL contact at this point. Just leave it alone, as hard as it is. Don't believe the hype. She's all over the place and you deserve someone that knows exactly what they want...you.

[dng]

That's very possible.

 

Attention is like a drug for most people. It feels good to get good attention...your brain rewards you with good feelings for it.

 

That very same mechanism is why we here don't fully let go of the ex.

 

It feels good to get their attention.

It feels good to see a picture of them.

It feels good to hear their voice on the phone.

 

While not doing those things can hurt in a very real and definite way. Heartbreak almost feels like withdrawl from having that persons attention.

 

Hmm. You are going somewhere with this. It's an interesting angle to it.

[dng]

Classic case of deflection of blame. She said she was going to show up and didn't. You reacted. Now she is trying to make you out to be the bad guy.

 

You need to cut off ALL contact at this point. Just leave it alone, as hard as it is. Don't believe the hype. She's all over the place and you deserve someone that knows exactly what they want...you.

 

She's been doing that all along.

 

I think I've been struggling with this breakup in part because she's been blaming me for everything that has happened since she left. Add a heartbreak in the mix and you can imagine how responsive I have been.

 

I've certainly made some mistakes towards the end of the relationship.

 

Mainly, I neglected to fully address her need to start family planning. I've stuck to my guns for the whole relationship tho, I've always said yes, finish your ph.d, work a year and two and then we get to it. Her complaints were that I wasn't willing to talk about it all the time.

 

My other mistake was that I left her on her own alot in the last 8 months or so. I wasn't doing anything wrong but I had a need to reconnect with my friends. She cannot, cannot bare to be alone and she freaked out.

 

She left on a *break* but told me she'd spend most of her time with me. So she moved out, reconnected with her friends, started going out, hanging out at the pool, enjoying single life and I never really saw her again for more than a few hours.

 

Then met a guy. Well, she told me she met him thru new friends, but actually her mom told me its someone they've known for years. The son of her uncle's new wife. She weaved a whole network of lies around him. Semi truths mixed with facts mixed with lies.

 

And that's where I drew the line. Why?

 

She constantly kept in touch with me about how she was coming back soon, soon, next week. 20 times or more she set up a time and a date with me, to then just cancel it at the last minute. Constant emails about how I was the love of her life, how she just needed a bit more. This prevented me from rebuilding my own life because everything she pointed to was reconciliation.

 

So when I learned that there was someone else, my first reaction was to feel a strong jolt of emotions. When I started analysing it, I concluded that she was being very unfair to me and that everything she said was subject to change.

 

I'm not saying I'm a poor victim here. I went along with it.

 

I wonder if she has developped mental health issues.

 

I find the way she's been acting since she left is nothing short of crazy, but by the same token I wan't to fully accept my responsability in the break up and saying "oh she's crazy" is like the guy in scarface saying "lesbian!" to a woman who ignores him.

 

I'm really struggling with this.

Edited January 7, 2011 by dng