I feel like I made a mistake, I don't know anymore

[Coups]

I'm currently 23, he's 25. I was in a relationship with him for almost six years. We were coming up on our anniversary, and I decided to break it off. It has been a difficult two weeks, and next week is the anniversary. I feel like it was a bad decision on my end, and I have been regretting it everyday so far.

 

I broke up with him because of our lifestyle differences. I didn't enjoy the fact that he smoked and drank, and he didn't think his choices were a big deal. Over the years, I've talked to him about changing his lifestyle and each attempt was met with "Its not a big deal, I'm *blank* age, I should get this partying out of the way before I get older." But I didn't and still don't see it that way. At any age, someone should be able to stop drinking, smoking and partying it up when they feel mature enough to tackle on the rest of life's responsibilities. After every talk, I would sigh and accept it. I would hope that one day, he would grow out of it.

 

Two weeks ago, I was debating in my head about breaking up with him. I didn't want to keep waiting around for him to grow up. I didn't want to keep waiting for him to realize that there are more things in life and that drinking and partying it up should matter more than the future. I understand that every now and then, someone can drink to relax, but it seemed like a weekend occurrence, one of those "Hey, its the weekend, so let's get drunk or high." I had already quit smoking and drinking myself, and when you're the only sober person around a group of people, the experience stops being fun. I'm not as ****ed up as everyone else, I'm not up for seeing someone attempt at hurting themselves, it felt like I was out of place, and I was standing alone in that decision.

 

Before our final break up, he told me he would change, that I mattered more than what he wanted to keep doing. He told me that he felt ready to change his whole lifestyle to keep me. I wanted to believe him, and cried over his words. There was a big part of me that was angry about the relationship going this far before he ever decided to make a change. It was my lack of presence that made him want to change. I didn't know whether or not to believe him, whether or not he was just telling me things or if his words were genuine. That's one of the things that hurt the most, after six years, I didn't know whether or not I could believe him 100%.

 

After our last night together, I told him, I didn't think we could keep going. He got angry, and claimed that I used him, which stung me. I loved him for longer than we've been in a relationship, and hearing him say words like that made me think that he's just another *******. But everyday, I've been thinking about him. I even wrote him a letter. I haven't sent that letter, and am still unsure about sending it. I've been thinking that I should have given him another chance to prove that he truly wanted to change for me. But I've also been thinking that if he did care about me, why did it take us breaking up for him to see things differently? Why did it have to come to this?

 

We're both broken hearted, and I'm sitting here typing on a forum for advice. I don't know what to do, I still feel like calling him, still feel like I should have kept trying. I've had fun times with him, many good times, he's taken me on numerous adventures and outings, done gentlemanly things like open doors and car doors, pulled my chair out at meals, waited for me before he starts eating, etc etc, but I didn't want nights of wondering what he's doing when I'm not there, I didn't want nights when I opted to go home because everyone else was getting drunk and high, I didn't want to have to wait for my turn to spend time with him, I always thought that someone would want to spend time with their significant other instead of trying to make date night happening and falling short.

[YellowShark]

I didn't want to keep waiting around for him to grow up.

 

 

1) There really is more to life than drinking, smoking, and partying.

 

2) You've evolved past the "drinking, smoking and partying" phase, and need him to be by your side in this new phase of your life.

 

3) If he choses the drinking, smoking and partying over you then that's all you really need to know. Your relationship is going to be really really rocky if you choose to stay since he wants to drink, smoke, party, and you don't.

 

4) So decide what's most important to you. A guy who choses drinking, smoking and partying over you, or a guy who compliments your lifestyle.

 

Ya, it sucks. Trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt! But sometimes people just evolve at different rates, and that's just a reality of life.

 

Best of luck.

[Coups]

1) 3) If he choses the drinking, smoking and partying over you then that's all you really need to know. Your relationship is going to be really really rocky if you choose to stay since he wants to drink, smoke, party, and you don't.

 

Thanks for replying, YellowShark.

 

He did tell me that he would quit all of that to keep me, but after the talks we've had, I wondered why it took this long and me taking this route for him to change. The fact that he said he would do anything including changing everything he's known for years to keep me makes me want to keep trying. I don't know if its something I should take into account, he's been good for his word sometimes, and other times, he went back on it. I feel like I shouldn't give up, but at the same time, don't want to put myself in the same situation over and over again.

[thatsonlyme]

it sounds like you guys could be happy together if you could find a compromise. if you make him stop drinking and partying he won't be happy, if you let him do whatever he wants, you won't be happy. try to work on it with him if he's ready to change, but don't expect him to become a couch potato because he's obviously not ready for that.

 

My ex was a party animal. she'd go out once or twice a week without me, sometimes coming home ****faced but I just learned to live with that. I thought she'd grow up and change one day so I let her do whatever she wanted. I guess it wasn't enough, she complained how we never go anywhere together. now she can party all she wants.

 

I hope you guys can work it out, 6 years is a long time to flush down the toilet. good luck

[willowthewisp]

I'm going to be blunt, I don't mean to be harsh or to upset you but there is only one way to say this.

 

Yes, you made the biggest mistake of your life. This guy loves you and has been with you 6 years and you want to change him. Why should he change for you? You should love him for who he is not what you want him to be. Unless he has a serious alcohol abuse problem you have no right to expect him to live differently to accomodate you to the total expense of what he would like. Compromise, yes, total change no.

 

Trust me when I tell you there are some seriously f***** up guys out there, I hope that your ex will give you a second chance to prove yourself so you don't have to go through the misery of finding this out for yourself.

[YellowShark]

I feel like I shouldn't give up, but at the same time, don't want to put myself in the same situation over and over again.

 

It's really up to him. You aren't asking him to change his entire life, only to hit the brakes on the "drinking, smoking and partying" part which bothers you. That is a boundary that you need to be respected for you to stay in love with him. You've communicated that need, and if he realy really loves you he shall move mountains to find a compromise.

 

It's ok to go blow off some steam once and a while with the guys, in fact it is healthy. But it is not healthy for your relationship if all he wants to do is "drink, smoke and party" and you don't.

 

You can definitely find a middle ground that works for both of you, but it's gonna take both of you to find that comfort zone.

 

Good luck.

[Coups]

I'm going to be blunt, I don't mean to be harsh or to upset you but there is only one way to say this.

 

Yes, you made the biggest mistake of your life. This guy loves you and has been with you 6 years and you want to change him. Why should he change for you? You should love him for who he is not what you want him to be. Unless he has a serious alcohol abuse problem you have no right to expect him to live differently to accomodate you to the total expense of what he would like. Compromise, yes, total change no.

 

Trust me when I tell you there are some seriously f***** up guys out there, I hope that your ex will give you a second chance to prove yourself so you don't have to go through the misery of finding this out for yourself.

 

It is not a total change. I made myself accept his behavior until I could no longer take it. I went with him to parties, I learned how to play drinking games, etc etc, all for him. Last trip we had with his friends, he drank himself into oblivion, if I could have, I would have taken him to the hospital. He was out for nearly 24 hours, the times he was awake, he was belligerent, he wasn't drinking water, he threw up anything that myself and his friends would get him to eat or drink. I thought he had alcohol poisoning. That is not something that anyone should put their loved ones through. There are reasons for me wanting him to change, and its not just because I don't partake in the same recklessness. Its because I don't want him to do the same stupid **** over and over again.

 

I know there are guys out there who rape and hit women, and do other stuff that isn't right. I am aware that the world is full of *******s, you don't need to tell me.

[Coups]

delete post..

Edited November 14, 2010 by Coups