Don't know what path to take

[slamma19]

My ex boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me 5 weeks ago, because he said he didn't feel the same anymore and had changed. We had been arguing a bit near the end, but I thought we would have worked through it. I'm 2 years older than him so that was sometimes a reason for our disagreements. Looking back, I realize that I could have treated him a lot better and my behaviour had pushed him away (I had becoming clingy and nagging... ugh).

 

The first 2 weeks consisted of me begging him to give us a second chance (wrong move, I know). On one occasion I made a video with pictures of us since the beginning with 2 of "our" songs (he cried), another time I gave him a card explaining that I had learned from my mistakes and wanted to try again, and the third time I baked him cookies and gave him a long letter again explaining that I'm willing to make the changes needed to be happy with him again. He considered everything with an open mind, but still said no because he thinks we time to grow as individuals. During all of this we had kissed a few times and he said he still loved me.

 

For the next 2 weeks we tried no contact. The only reason why I got by was because I had it in my head that he would start to miss me and would take me back. 2 weeks passed, only to find out that he had started to move on from me and was enjoying the single life.

 

So for the past week I have tried just being friends with him, thinking that he'll realize that I've changed and deserve a second chance. We text once in a while and I went to one of his volleyball games on Thursday, where afterwards he hugged me 3 times and seemed sort of.. interested in me again. I had also talked to a couple of his friends and his mom there, so I was hoping that maybe he had had a change in heart somehow seeing that things were good with them and I. He told me to text him the next day to see if we can hang out. I did, only to find out he made other plans. So yesterday I texted him asking if he would like to go to dinner, but again he had plans. Frustrated, I asked him if he even wanted to be friends because I was the one initiating all of the texts and trying to make plans. He said he does, but he doesn't want me to be led on.

 

I strongly believe that I was put on this earth to love this guy. I guess I didn't truly realize how much I love him until things were over, and I just can't let him go until we've tried again. I truly think that if we just start over, things will work and will be better than ever.

 

So what should I do? Should I continue being friends and see where that goes, risking that he will only ever see me as a friend? Or should I try not talking to him again to see if he'll start missing me, risking that he'll completely move on? He is going away in December for almost a month, so I need to take the right steps before he leaves.

 

I really, really love this guy. He was my first for many things, and moving on is not an option for me right now. I have never wanted to fight for something so much in my life. I just can't move on until I am given the chance to love him right.

 

Thoughts?

[Ajax]

Sorry you're going through this slamma. You've come to the right place. I know it's not particularly comforting, but know that this sort of thing happens all the time. Sometimes people break up out of the blue because they just don't feel the same anymore.

 

 

So what should I do? Should I continue being friends and see where that goes, risking that he will only ever see me as a friend? Or should I try not talking to him again to see if he'll start missing me, risking that he'll completely move on? He is going away in December for almost a month, so I need to take the right steps before he leaves.

 

 

If you keep being his friend then yes, that's all he'll ever see you as. He'll realise that he can have you in his life no matter what, and you'll still be in love with him. Hard as it is, you're going to have to break off contact with him. It's the only way for you to move on and start to heal. It may take months, but this site is full of people who haven't broken off contact with their exes and they get strung along for many more months hoping that they'll get their ex back.

 

Breakups are really really painful, and you have to feel those emotions to heal properly. But you have to accept that the relationship is over. Until you do that you'll be stuck in a sort of limbo. Never really free.

 

Keep posting here, and let us know how you're doing. It won't be long before you're giving out advice yourself

[nowwhatnow]

Heyyy I really feel for you. A couple months ago this was me, I would not accept it, and to be honest I still do not think that I have completely accepted it, but I am getting there, at my own pace. Deep deep down in my heart I still feel like one day we will be together and this false hope is really preventing me from moving forward.

 

At first i told me ex that i did not want to be friends with him and this was really hard for me him to hear but it is how I felt. I then late told him I would always be there for him and am working towards an eventual friendship. But I think he is starting to realize (and it is becoming clearer to me) that I do not want to be friends with him. He either wants to be with you or he doesnt, there is no gray area. And i think my ex is really coming to know life without me and to be honest, I do not even know how he feels about this. But the longer I go without contacting him, without responding to his pleas to hang out as friends, the sooner he can figure out that he has to stop messing with my emotions.

 

Its not fair to you to break up with some one but tell them you still want them in your life, that is just selfish and pretty conflicting and shows there are some unresolved issues and you cant be dragged around on his emotional roller coaster being hurt more and more by him everyday.

 

the best advice i can give you (thanks to LS!!) is to go NC. it is the hardest thing you will EVER have to do, no one who has been dumped can tell you otherwise, but the sooner you do the sooner you can start healing.

 

I wish you the best of luck and would love to hear more updates on your situation. We are here for you.

[slamma19]

Is NC the only possible way of him ever realizing what he lost? I'm just worried that he'll just completely move on, considering that's what he started to do during our 2 weeks of NC. I just don't want this to end We had talked many times about having a future together, and I just don't understand how he could not want those things anymore. Does he just need more time to sort through his own issues?

 

Also, if I do go NC, do I tell him that's what I want, or should I start doing it without him knowing so that he feels some rejection to make up for all the times he rejected me...

[bernardverh]

Is NC the only possible way of him ever realizing what he lost? I'm just worried that he'll just completely move on, considering that's what he started to do during our 2 weeks of NC. I just don't want this to end We had talked many times about having a future together, and I just don't understand how he could not want those things anymore. Does he just need more time to sort through his own issues?

 

Also, if I do go NC, do I tell him that's what I want, or should I start doing it without him knowing so that he feels some rejection to make up for all the times he rejected me...

 

The NC _could_ make him realize what he lost, after a lot of time. But more important, you need to heal yourself and get your life back together. There is a life without him.

 

In my opinion you should go into NC. At this point he knows that you want him, you don't need to tell him that anymore, you can't fight any harder, you tried your best. Don't tell him about NC, just start doing it and live your live.

If, at a point, he really sends you A LOT of messages about why you don't reply (after you ignored a lot of his messages), you can reply polite that you are busy with other things, this is the truth since you will be really busy, make sure you do and force yourself into this. Don't do this after one or two messages, more likely after him asking 10 times, if that would happen.

 

See it as a win situation if you can keep this up until he leaves in December. Continue this definately when he's gone. If he returns from his trip, and if you still want him at that point, then you can talk to him and talk about it. But believe me, if you stick to this plan, there's a large chance that you will have doubts about wanting him back at that point.

 

If you can do this, you reach several goals: having your life back and being happy, feeling good about yourself because you were strong, having a little chance on having a new thing with him again.

 

You feel like you have to fight and try everything you can. In reality this will push him away further and further. If he really loves you, he will come back. I hope you take this advice in consideration.

[slamma19]

But our friendship has been going pretty good so far... it almost feels like we're still together, minus the holding hands, kissing, etc. So I would feel bad to randomly stop all contact with him.

 

Last night I went over to his mom's house to transfer some pictures from his lap top to mine, and just like the last time I saw him, things were good. We talked about lots of things, watched some funny videos and his mom treated me as if we were still dating. It felt like old times. I've only been showing a happy, positive attitude and haven't brought up the break up, so I'm thinking maybe he'll see that I've changed and may be more desirable. I also mentioned that I've been going to the gym, and he seemed surprised/interested to hear this information. I just don't see how going NC will help anything. I think that establishing a good friendship could start a new relationship with him. Like I said, I'm not in the position to move on right now, my focus is to get my ex boyfriend back...

[ARISthess]

But our friendship has been going pretty good so far... it almost feels like we're still together, minus the holding hands, kissing, etc. So I would feel bad to randomly stop all contact with him.

 

Last night I went over to his mom's house to transfer some pictures from his lap top to mine, and just like the last time I saw him, things were good. We talked about lots of things, watched some funny videos and his mom treated me as if we were still dating. It felt like old times. I've only been showing a happy, positive attitude and haven't brought up the break up, so I'm thinking maybe he'll see that I've changed and may be more desirable. I also mentioned that I've been going to the gym, and he seemed surprised/interested to hear this information. I just don't see how going NC will help anything. I think that establishing a good friendship could start a new relationship with him. Like I said, I'm not in the position to move on right now, my focus is to get my ex boyfriend back...

 

I'm in a similar position with you slamma... When i'm with her it also feels like we're still together (including the holding hands kissing etc.. and even talking about our future together)

 

This is the difficult road though... You have to show extreme self control. You have to be confident, can't remind him of the bad aspects of your relationship and your bad behaivior, and you can't make it about you. I got pretty far, and screwed up (heres my story). Its hard cause there will be times that you will feel that burning sensation in your chest, but you'll have to hide it with a smile...

 

Plus, I don't think its a good idea to keep it strictly friendly for too long (i made it clear that i'll never accept her as just a friend, all or nothing). You don't want him getting comfortable with the idea that he can keep you as a friend.

 

On the other hand, going NC is the safer way.

 

I think you should sit down and think of what you are ready to do and how able you will be...

[slamma19]

I'm in a similar position with you slamma... When i'm with her it also feels like we're still together (including the holding hands kissing etc.. and even talking about our future together)

 

This is the difficult road though... You have to show extreme self control. You have to be confident, can't remind him of the bad aspects of your relationship and your bad behaivior, and you can't make it about you. I got pretty far, and screwed up (heres my story). Its hard cause there will be times that you will feel that burning sensation in your chest, but you'll have to hide it with a smile...

 

Plus, I don't think its a good idea to keep it strictly friendly for too long (i made it clear that i'll never accept her as just a friend, all or nothing). You don't want him getting comfortable with the idea that he can keep you as a friend.

 

On the other hand, going NC is the safer way.

 

I think you should sit down and think of what you are ready to do and how able you will be...

 

Thank you for your reply!!

 

The thing is, I told my ex that I wanted to try being friends in order to force myself to get used to just being friends and therefore get over him. So I think telling him that I'll never accept him as just a friend will just push him away...

 

At this point, I really don't think I can do NC without having to go into therapy or something. I value him in my life way too much. Plus I just don't think I would benefit at all.

 

So far, I have been showing self-control, haven't brought up the break-up, and have been trying my hardest not be to clingy (my plan is to only see him once a week, to maybe show that if we were to get back together I would be able to handle not seeing him as much as I did when we were together before.) When we text and when we're around each other I'm happy and supportive of whatever he's doing or talking about. So I guess my motive is to just have him realize I've changed/have started to move on and make him realize what he's lost?

 

Is it possible for this to turn around for me? I'm not expecting it to happen right away, but maybe in a couple of months?

[fabio10]

Your heart broken , you love him , your heart skips a beat every time you have contact from him , the second you wake up he is on your mind.

 

Sound familar... but think about it does he feel these emotions ? He must care about you when he is selfish enough to want to keep you in his life,but if he felt the above emotions he would not have dumped you.My girl dumped me months ago just like you I value her in my life a great deal we were best friends for 4years prior to getting together but you know what after about 2/3 months of limited contact my frame of mind began to turn, just like you I was like a horse with blinkers on my prime focus was winning her back but you must accept that no matter how many good times you remember for some reason the relationship was flawed in his eyes thats why he dumped you.

 

You want to win him back you say, but think about it when you first got together with him did you try as hard and think about everything like you are now !? NO I would imagine you were chilled went with the flow and nature took its course and feelings grew and you were proberly abit of a challange. This situation you find yourself in has nothing got to do with the way you feel, he knows how you feel, it is about him, you can not hold on to him in fear of him moving on cause eventually if that is what he wants he will.

 

Now changing your frame of mind wont be easy and it wont happen in a matter of weeks but to do so you need to free yourself from contact for months, tell him you need some space for awhile that you have alot going on and take this time for YOU , go to the gym go out shopping change your hair improve yourself and live and if things are meant to be they will be think about it. I dont miss my car, why ??? cause everytime I look out the window it is there just like you are outside his minds window everytime he peers out !

[kaycstamper]

You tried to be his friend for an ulterior motive...to get him back, that's manipulation, it usually backfires. Most people know when they're being manipulated and resist. You have to respect his wishes, you can't force someone to love you. It's time to move on, for your own sanity, your own peace of mind. It isn't the end of the world, it just feels like it is. It hurts like hell, it consumes you, I know, been there, am trying t move on, it takes concerted effort. It can take a year or two but eventually you become indifferent and then you know you're so over him. Good luck to you Hon!

[slamma19]

Thanks for your input everyone.

 

I've decided to go NC. He wasn't putting any effort into being friends anyways, so clearly being friends wouldn't help me get him back. If he wants to be friends with me, he'll come to me. If one day he realizes he made a mistake and wants to get back together, he'll come to me. I'm done wasting my energy and emotions on trying to keep someone I deeply care about in my life when he doesn't reciprocate. It's not fair to me and he obviously needs space.

 

I haven't decided yet if I should talk to him before he leaves in December though (he's going to Africa for a month... I feel like it would be a nice gesture to wish him a good trip/Christmas). Opinions?