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Second chance, dumper is back, but need to be won back


Fluffsticle

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Hi

 

Can anyone tell me how second chances work?

 

If the dumper comes back, and wants tyou back more than anything...

 

Is it ok for the dumpee to expect gestures to show how much they missed you, how sorry they are for ever breaking up with you and hurting you?

 

I am the dumpee.... and am feeling like I am settling because I have not gotten gestures or anything more than words...

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

I need to see what he will do to have me back.

 

I am willing to put in my fair share of the fight. But his share at the beginning is bigger, right? He needs to give me reasons to want to give him another chance, reasons to let go of the past, and reasons to fall in love with him again?

 

Can anyone clarify?

 

I am so lost, and really don't know what it's ment to be like...

He is under a different illusion.

I am not happy with this illusion, and am considering walking away because I know my worth, and I know what I deserve. But I am not getting that effort from him...

 

Anyone???

 

Thanks

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What has he said to, or done for you, to prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that he wants a second chance?

the only thing he should or could possibly say is the following:

 

"Please, please forgive me. I have just made the most dreadful mistake of my life, and I bitterly and totally regret it.

I would do whatever it takes to win you back, and will do whatever you need to show you I am sincere. Please, please will you take me back, and can we try again?"

 

And your question to him should be:

 

"How will you prove it to me?

What can you actually Do to show me I can completely trust you, and that this won't repeat a short way down the line? What ACTIONS will you take to win me back unconditionally?"

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Hi Taramaiden,

 

He has said he is sorry for the things that happened and that have hurt me.

 

He has faced all my family and friends again. He flew back to our home country to have a chance with me again. He broke up with a girl he was seeing to get me back. Other than that I can't thinkof

 

He has told me he wants to give us a go.

He has told me that he will do anything to win me back. He will do whatever it takes.

The only problem is, nothing has been really done. No actions have been seen, so I cannot believe the words on their own.

 

I brought to his attention how I was feeling. That I need gestures of some sort to back up what he is saying to me. I need security before I can begin to understand and forgive. His reply was that we are not at a stage where we are madly in love yet. He is not able to do gestures as big as I was asking for would not be truthful to how he is feeling right now. I understand this. I was asking for huge ridiculous gestures.

 

He is scared that I won't be able to get over the hurt of all that happened, and then we will be left with gestures and big reminders, like we all know can be horrible to look back at after a break up.

 

My other problem is... when we argue, or have words. He seems to kind of reassess the situation, and question how much he loves me. If we really should give this a go or not? This is very unnearving to say the least when I am trying to build trust in him again.

 

He frightens me because he questions it so much. I feel he should have a steady attitude and work through anything. We will get through it.

 

Which leaves me feeling even more woobly every time. I am afraid to argue, I am afraid to rock the boat. But I need to rock the boat to see what he will go through to fight for me.

 

Any advice?? Thank you

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Thanks for making an example out of my situation Don_Ho! :mad:

 

This is just beautiful.... I had asked for advice, from People.

Since you do not know how to do that... then I suggest you do not reply to posts asking for advice!

 

I was asking for an objective oponion... not for someone to have a gripe at me, because they are bitter....

 

I would be confident that the love both my partner and I feel now, even though times are tough... is 100 times stronger than most People ever get to experience in their whole lives.

 

THAT you do not stereotype under ....

"Hence the problem with 2nd chances ..... "

 

Can you explain this, and how it relates to my situation?

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Hi Taramaiden,

 

He has said he is sorry for the things that happened and that have hurt me.

 

He has faced all my family and friends again. He flew back to our home country to have a chance with me again. He broke up with a girl he was seeing to get me back. Other than that I can't thinkof

 

He has told me he wants to give us a go.

He has told me that he will do anything to win me back. He will do whatever it takes.

The only problem is, nothing has been really done. No actions have been seen, so I cannot believe the words on their own.

And you are quite right to be sceptical. people can eulogise, write poetry and recite platitudes until they're blue in the face, and until the cows come home. Until you get actions to back it up - then they havn't proven they can be trusted.

 

 

 

I brought to his attention how I was feeling. That I need gestures of some sort to back up what he is saying to me. I need security before I can begin to understand and forgive. His reply was that we are not at a stage where we are madly in love yet.

I'm sorry, this is a huge red flag. Surely he loved you before. And if he didn't dump the other girl, because he realised he loved you, and came back to face family and friends to prove his love for you - then what the hell was all that about?

He is not able to do gestures as big as I was asking for would not be truthful to how he is feeling right now. I understand this. I was asking for huge ridiculous gestures.

No, you're asking him to commit by showing you in no uncertain terms that he is putting you first. He has to prove himself; the onus is not on you to wait and see, the onus is on him to show you exactly how committed he is. He has to prove this to you, whatever it takes.

if you are uncertain now, you will never get over that, because he's hesitating and prevaricating.

 

He is scared that I won't be able to get over the hurt of all that happened, and then we will be left with gestures and big reminders, like we all know can be horrible to look back at after a break up.

So basically He wants you to just accept things and take his word for it?

He's trying to find the level and call the shots?

 

You know that's a no-brainer, right....?

 

My other problem is... when we argue, or have words. He seems to kind of reassess the situation, and question how much he loves me. If we really should give this a go or not? This is very unnearving to say the least when I am trying to build trust in him again.

He's projecting and deflecting.

he's going through the grand empty gestures to make himself sound noble, but in essence - honey, his heart isn't in it.

You really need to call an end to this, now.

Stop this going any further before he completely chews you up and spits you out.

This is not what you should be accepting. He should be approaching you on his knees and making you feel that you are the most important thing in his life.

he wants all of you, with complacency from him.

So what if he questions it?

I'd be demanding action from him no questions asked at all!

"Should we really give this a go or not?"

You know what? NOT!!

 

 

He frightens me because he questions it so much. I feel he should have a steady attitude and work through anything. We will get through it.

 

Which leaves me feeling even more woobly every time. I am afraid to argue, I am afraid to rock the boat. But I need to rock the boat to see what he will go through to fight for me.

 

Any advice?? Thank you

Stop being a wimp.

You have to grab all vestiges of your dignity and self-esteem and understand he is second-best, not you,. he is sub-standard, n ot you.

he is uncommitted, not you.

He is paying lip-service, not you. he is complacent, half-hearted and just making empty gestures and banking on you being so desperate to have him your life that you will take this indifferent abuse and lap it up.

 

Well, bloody don't!

You need to give him an ultimatum: Either back up with the goods, or clear out.

If he can't show a 100% commitment to do whatever it takes - and YOU dictate what that is - then he can go take a hike, find his dumped girlfriend and crawl back to her, because you don't settle for something damaged and second best.

 

You deserve the best. And he falls way short of that mark.

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Thanks for making an example out of my situation Don_Ho! :mad: Can you explain this, and how it relates to my situation?

 

2nd chances are difficult. You do not make it clear if he is making efforts are you're just expecting him to be over-the-top with you or if he is really not delivering. Sounds like he has his toes in to test the waters and has not dove in. The problem is you're more into him than he is to you. i.e. 'I don't want to argue with him and create waves'. So basically you're letting your fear of losing him again run the way you handle the situation. That's never good. Sounds like you need to have a discussion and ask him what 'we're not at the point right now' and where you stand. However, I think if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer and it is not the one you want.

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TaraMaiden

 

wow. I kind of felt in the same shoes as the OP and your posting to her hit the nail on the head for me. Good response. Hope the OP takes it to heart as I did and really begins to think things over.

 

I started writing everything down maybe this might help you?

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Which leaves me feeling even more woobly every time. I am afraid to argue, I am afraid to rock the boat. But I need to rock the boat to see what he will go through to fight for me.

 

Then rock that boat all you like. Im in a similar situation with a dumpee who wants a 2nd chance, Ive rocked the boat big time and its led to her feeling all sorts of guilt. You dont have to necessarily start an argument, just remind them of how much they hurt you.

 

Dont be afraid to take the pi*s abit, just make sure your not being unreasonable and pushing it too far.

 

Yeah it all sounds juvenille but so is people making decisions they've clearly not thought through e.g. ending a relationship.

 

If they do want you back they will take it.

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My other problem is... when we argue, or have words. He seems to kind of reassess the situation, and question how much he loves me. If we really should give this a go or not? This is very unnearving to say the least when I am trying to build trust in him again.

 

He frightens me because he questions it so much. I feel he should have a steady attitude and work through anything. We will get through it.

 

Which leaves me feeling even more woobly every time. I am afraid to argue, I am afraid to rock the boat. But I need to rock the boat to see what he will go through to fight for me.

 

Any advice?? Thank you

 

Is the bolded above his answer to conflict resolution? To consider running away? What does that bode for your future? Is he going to run next week, next month, next year?

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Hi Folks,

 

Thanks for advice...

 

We are broken up.

 

I guess I pushed much to far, and I also expected him to sweep me off my feet at the same time as running him into the ground.

 

But if he wanted me that much, me being like this would never have made he wonder if he is able to put in the effort.

 

We chatted, and all my innermost feelings from inside came out in the conversation.

 

He seems to coward from us too easily. Fear is a huge factor. Fear of hurt again. I want someone that will stick with me through thick and thin. And not fear hurt. Focus on working so hard that it IS going to work. Someone that won't let their love flicker for me when I come down hard on them. Which I rarely do, past few weeks excluded!

 

I don't have the fight in me anymore. I have tried my best.

I suggested councelling. But although his heart wants it, he doesn't see it working out. So this must mean that he really doesn't want it, and maybe there is too much water under the bridge. I have no regrets.

 

He obviously isn't willing to go to the same length as I would to make this work. Although I am thankful that I now see we aren't ment to be. I would have worked harder, so to be 100% sure and happy walking away, and not live my life with regret and wonder.

 

Now I have no regrets. I did everything I could I guess.

 

Now I feel excited about meeting some other Guy. Someone who will love me like I love them. Respect me and stick with me through as much hard times as I would.

 

I was mistaking a fear of letting go for love I think. I have let go of my fear of letting go. Now I feel a huge weight lifted off me.

 

The love will always be there for him. But that's different to being with someone that makes you happy.

 

I would forever wonder about his commitment to me. His dedication and love for me.

 

I have let go, and it feels ok :-)

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He seems to coward from us too easily. Fear is a huge factor. Fear of hurt again. I want someone that will stick with me through thick and thin. And not fear hurt. Focus on working so hard that it IS going to work. Someone that won't let their love flicker for me when I come down hard on them. Which I rarely do, past few weeks excluded!

 

My ex fear that he was going to hurt me again. Sounds all too familiar. I don't care how people candy-coat it to see "it was for the best, meant to be blah blah", it very clear for the DUMPER as they rather gave up, and rather not try b/c they don't feel like it. Nice to see that you are handling the situation, but I feel sad how someone can basically not give it a go because it just sounds like, to me, their saying "I don't want to deal with this shyt no more, fxxxckk this, im out, love you forever bye!

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Now I feel excited about meeting some other Guy. Someone who will love me like I love them. I was mistaking a fear of letting go for love I think. I have let go of my fear of letting go. Now I feel a huge weight lifted off me. I have let go, and it feels ok :-)

 

Good for you Sista! What a nice evolution of your thoughts and feelings on your situation. Yes, I think you were acting mostly on fear, not love. Glad to hear you have finally let it go. Now get busy, go date and get your life back on track!

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Thanks Don...

 

I hope my evolution of thoughts is the right thing.

 

Even though I am wondering and making excuses for him, and he has a lot going on in his life.

 

Am I right in thinking, because something is stopping him treating me how I deserve, that he is just really not for me?

 

It's very very hard letting go of someone who was the other half of your life for 7 years... :-(

 

But I want what's best for me. What's best for me is someone who realises that a relationship takes the same amount of effort and work as I think it does. Someone who will make me feel like I'm top of the world. Someone who will always be there for me. Because in a nutshell that's what I do for People I care about... even people I don't care about if I'm honest!

 

So I am hanging on for the best and not willing to settle, because it's hard to let go...

 

And advice to confirm that I need to stop thinking these excuses for why he is scared, or thinking negatively about us. It just mustn't be ment for me!!???

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Fluff, there's a saying: "if it's easy, it's right". This situation is not easy.

 

Even though I am wondering and making excuses for him, and he has a lot going on in his life.

LOL.You just you're making excuses for him and then you say he has a lot going on. LOL. Let go of the rationalizations Sista!

 

Am I right in thinking, because something is stopping him treating me how I deserve, that he is just really not for me?

Yeah, something is stopping him.... he is NOT the right guy for you. Now, will you please stop chasing your tail?! :p

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Hi...

 

I don't believe if it's easy it's right is strictly true...

 

Anything worth having is worth working for...

 

When it's not worth working for it's not worth having!

 

Thanks...

 

It is difficult accepting and letting it all go.

 

But I am confident that I will be ok. I will get what I deserve. I'm sure of that!

 

Thanks

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Hi...I don't believe if it's easy it's right is strictly true...Anything worth having is worth working for...When it's not worth working for it's not worth having! Thanks...It is difficult accepting and letting it all go.

 

That saying is a good rule of thumb. If it's easy it's right and if it's difficult it's not. There's a lot of truth in that if you choose to think about it. No, relationships are not "easy" but your situation is not easy at all. If he REALLY wanted to be with you he would make it work. True, you're having difficulty accepting and letting it go. That's why you're refusing to reflect on what I said. Maybe you're just afraid of letting go and moving on. But you have no choice on this one Sista.

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