Desperately want ex back...but also dont want her back!! (Urgent)

[DeadlyAvenger]

First of all sincerest apologies for the length of this post, i just wanted to get all the facts across.

 

In winter 08 I met an amazing girl through a dating site here in the UK, we clicked instanly on the phone/msn, met within a week, kissed on the first date etc, met up the following day, got on like a house fire etc etc. Basically it was perfect!

 

She was the first girl i met off the site who i reallly clicked with, and also really the first girl i had dated and been serious about for a long while. Although things were going really well, i kept stupidly thinking i could do better, i think it was the greed that sets in when your on a dating site, becasue you think theres so many options out there..stupid i know! So i was asking for breaks from relationship, never properly commiting etc

 

In the end we fell out over a very stupid little thing, and we still werent sure if breaking up was right thing to do up until the very very end. But we parted very amicabily and both said it was for the best and that we def would remain freinds and in touch.

 

I started missing almost straight away and i sent her text just week later, just to say it was weird no speaking to her anymore. I didnt get a response which i though was wierd as we left on ammicable terms. So i thought she didnt want to speak to me or was with someone else.

 

I later found out she never got that text due her dodgy cell phone (fate perhaps?) Anyway by the 3rd week of the split i was going insane realising how much i missed her, so sent her text again, sayin that i was really missing her, she was really suprised but still felt the same way and didnt think it would work out between us. By now i fully realised just how amazing she was and just how much i loved her. Also i was feeling huge regrets about it all.

 

For the next few months i tried desperately to get her back, but basically did everything wrong (dont laugh) eg letters, flowers etc etc. Again she wouldnt budge.

 

Then in summer 09, i "accidently" emailed her, and from that we started chatting as freinds and actally getting on ok, however i was then told by a friend that she had breifly dated a freind of his through the site in spring 09 (very weird coincidence), the thing i cant stand this guy, he's a total prick, i was also told they got fairly intimate. I was totally devastated by hearing this (although it really had nothig to do with me) and basically said i didnt want to speak to her again (which shocked her a bit). She recipricated and said she didnt anything to do with the whole situation anymore either. We both agreed to ignore each other if we contacted each other

 

(btw in bwtween these periods i dated other girls, but that only emphasised how perfect she was for me!!)

 

Anyway despite this i sent her another letter about 6 months (winter 09) later basically saying i although i hated her for what she put me through I still really missed her desperately despite everything that happend, she again replied saying i should move on now. So i tried...but ultimately failed...again.

 

A few weeks ago a spotted a profile on the same dating site that was remarkably similar to hers, and i actually emailed her to ask if it was her. Patly becasue i did actually want to know the answer and partly because i "still" missed her. In the email I also asked how she'd been, if she was with anyone etc

Now not only did she reply (which was unexpected) but her reply was very very freindly, eg starting with "Hey u", a few lols, she mentioned she wasnt with anyone, how'd she been on holiday recently. Basically it was the nicest commucation she'd ever sent me since we'd split. Yes i appreciate she may have just been polite but the email was very out of (recent) character for her.

 

My question is, if (a big if) she is interested (lets assume she might be)..what should i do?? My (only) problem is the fact she dated that prick, had she not dated him i think i'd still feel exactly the same way about her. If im honest i still love her desperately. Should i let this get in the way of something i want so badly?

 

My heart wants nothing more than to be with her but my head is saying no way. I am totally torn at the moment, and its actually making me ill thinking about it! Yes i know i should find out what the situation is first, and if she is interested! But i hope you can see my situation?

 

I havent replied to her "nice" email which was two days ago. Now i personally think i have two options: i can email (or call her) back with a nice reply and hope the communication continues or i can email back saying it was a mistake of me to contact her again, i shouldnt have, take care and goodbye...as that will nip it in the bud.

 

Either way the email could be life changing! Please help me work out what i should do.

 

Thanks

 

p.s. hope our still awake after reading that!

Edited May 31, 2010 by DeadlyAvenger

[Ronni_W]

My (only) problem is the fact she dated that prick, had she not dated him i think i'd still feel exactly the same way about her.

But she DID date him, so you DO NOT feel exactly the same way about her. This is by your own admission. This is what you already know.

If there is any chance at all that you'll (only) end up judging, harassing and haranguing her over who she dated during a period that, as you say, had nothing to do with you (and is therefore, none of your bloody business), then what would be your reason and purpose for trying to re-establish a friendship or romantic relationship with her?

 

If there is any chance at all that you'll end up judging her for the other men she's fallen for in her life, then you do not "desperately love" her. It's desperate but not "love", I mean. Love does not judge, harass or harangue. (You're already judging her for being with that guy...so it's only whether you're going to torment her with your judgment that is in question.)

[sugarmomma]

You have no right to be upset with her about who she dated after you guys broke up. You should never even approach her with the topic of this guy since it had nothing to do with you.

 

Besides you said yourself that you were mainly to blame for the break up with your inability to commit and needing "breaks".

 

I would say just be her friend first. You probably still have your "issues" and now just want her because you can't have her.

 

If you get her back what's to say that you won't go back to taking her for granted?

[DeadlyAvenger]

Many thanks for the replies guys, they were very helpful and quite eye opening (truth hurts i guess). But theyve certanily helped put my mind at ease little so im very grateful.

 

Your both right i shouldnt have juged her, i had no right, althought at the time i didnt appreciate this, its only when a freind pointed this out to me after.

 

I've realised that when i comes to relationships i am emotionally very immature and insecure and i understand this now (my longest relationship was only 6 months).

 

If anything at all were to come of this i know it would require for me to grow up emotionally as a person "a lot", and i guess i need to work out if im capable of that. But how do i know if can!?

 

Ronni, like you said love doesnt judge, and your totally right. Despite that i know i do still love her, although i am still feel very sore about it all. I just wish i knew then what i know now :-(

 

So anyway, any suggestions..."if" i think i can look past the past and be more mature, should i just send a freindly email and see what happens?

Edited May 31, 2010 by DeadlyAvenger
typos

[sugarmomma]

I would try to establish a friendship with her first. You have to build up the trust and respect aspect of your situation. In the meantime google terms that you feel are the opposite of your issues. Things like emotional maturity, emotional independence, emotional security, how to have a loving healthy relationship, love, respect, trust etc.

 

You just need to grow up and try to be a better person. Even if things don't work out with her at least you get to change your patterns of the way you behave. Most people have struggled with your issues and at least you're young enough to make some changes to your personality and character.

 

Life is about building your character and becoming a man of intergrity. Its so much more sexy that being a jerk.

[Ronni_W]

DA, with your most recent post, you have already started showing the 'seedlings' of you starting to become emotionally mature! You're gonna be majorly successful if you just continue to be as self-reflective, self-honest and open to constructive feedback. I do admire you for that.

If anything at all were to come of this i know it would require for me to grow up emotionally as a person "a lot", and i guess i need to work out if im capable of that. But how do i know if can!?

See above. You DEFINITELY can! To begin the process, you want to find out what qualities are generally associated with "emotional maturity", and cultivate those within yourself. Tolerance, allowing, acceptance, non-judgment, respectfulness, understanding, empathy, forgiveness (lenience), kindness, generosity...those types of attitudes. Also appreciation and gratitude, are important ones.

 

It's perhaps even more important to be this way with yourself (self-acceptance, self-respect, self-forgiveness, etc.)

 

A couple of free online resources that may be useful -- you'll need to search cos I get in trubble for posting live links: Google "EQ for everybody" (look for the eqi. site) and also Google "emotional intelligence" (there's a clear and concise summary on the page that starts with 'webhome.idirect.')

So anyway, any suggestions..."if" i think i can look past the past and be more mature, should i just send a freindly email and see what happens?

I would say, no, wait until you are 100%, absolutely, without-doubt sure that you can look past the past. "If" and "maybe" are not good enough for this one.

Rather, spend your time helping yourself realize that other people's pasts have nothing to do with you, do not say one single thing about you, and is 100%, absolutely, unarguably none of your business

 

Also, of course, that it's not your right, entitlement or 'job' to judge ANYBODY else -- you do not represent "god's law" or "man's law" .

You may see that guy she dated/got intimate with as a "prick"...but she obviously didn't see him that way (not at the time, at any rate.) Accept that she has the 100% right to make her own decisions and choices, and allow whatever decisions she has and will make for herself with good grace. And try not to judge him, either...you don't know his back story and what he's had to endure that influenced him to be the way he is. Right?

 

Hugs, and very best.

Edited May 31, 2010 by Ronni_W