It can happen...

[georgia girl]

I will get blasted for this, but I do think that in the mired depths of a relationship crisis, it's good to know that it truly can happen - you can get back together.

 

This summer, my boyfriend and I broke up after a year together. No one cheated, no one abused or manipulated each other... no real bad things. We just reached a critical juncture - either commit and move on together or go our separate ways. My ex was not ready to commit, so I let him go.

 

I went through all of the stages of relationship grief. I wanted him back, I was so sad and then, I was so, so angry that he let me down. By August, when he wanted me back, I just didn't want to hear from him anymore. Despite the tug on my heart, my head kept telling me that I was better off where I was. I was still sad and lonely, but I was nobody's rollover. I was doing fine, healing and I was worth a whole lot more than someone who would let me down.

 

He really worked hard for that second chance - mostly because he knew I was not really prepared to give him one. When I eventually did, I made a deal with myself. Just as I couldn't have gone back to him without being strong enough to be my own person and standing up for myself in a relationship, I also wasn't going to emotionally beat him over the head. If I was strong enough to take him back, I was strong enough to fully forgive.

 

Last weekend, my ex asked me to marry him. We haven't set a date yet. It will either be late spring (before we broke up) or early fall (after we got back together). I can't mar one of the happiest times in my life by placing it during one of the saddest times.

 

Yet, that's my only hangup from the breakup. I love him more than life and I trust him now with my heart. He is a good man. Through this process, I believe we are stronger than ever. We have learned to value what we have. I am a Catholic girl in the deep south (parents moved from the North) and I always believed that if I chose to marry, it would be one time - for life only. My future husband has those same beliefs and part of why the commitment was such a big deal for him was that he knew neither of us believe in divorce.

 

We are doing pre cana right now and it's amazing to see the couples in our class. Some, you know, are going to make it. They get what it means to be committed and that while this is the most fun and the greatest source of happiness in your life, it's also work and compromise. Others, sadly, don't. They are good people who genuinely love each other, but you can tell by the dynamics of their relationship that when the going gets tough, they're not going to be able to make it.

 

So, my message is this. Before you get back with your ex, evaluate what you had. Was it truly good? Did you both respect each others wishes and will? Was it healthy? Did you have friends outside of your relationship who supported your relationship? (Friends, on the whole, want you to be happy and will support a good relationship, not a bad one.) Did you have fun? Treat each other well? Share the same goals, dreams and values?

 

If your relationship was rocky or you were the partner who always gave more, I would suggest letting it go and finding someone new. As hard as that is, it's your only path to genuine happiness. Your relationship was out of balance and one person can't make a relationship work.

 

But, if it was a relatively good one that hit a crisis, take a step back and evaluate what you have, what you want and how you can make your dreams come true. In my case, the crisis was immediately followed by regret. And don't roll over. If someone loves you, make them earn your life. Had I not done that, I'm not sure I would have ever trusted my fiancee again and this certainly would not have worked.

 

We are equals, partners and best friends. I am so excited and filled with so much happiness that I want the world to have the same. Good luck and PEACE!

 

Signing out...

 

- Georgia Girl

[David V.]

The minute I finished reading your post, I became an admirer of your story. Your case is the best-case scenario I very dearly want with my now-ex-partner. I made my mistakes, which, unbeknownst to her, thinned her patience and made her want out.

 

But yes. It was truly good. We did respect each other's wishes. It became unhealthy on the last days, but I have been undergoing a growing process, in which I found ways to make it alright, if we come back.

 

And most of all, we shared the same beliefs. We even named them "One love to One lifetime". This is mostly why I was so completely shattered when she broke up with me.

 

But ever since, I have been doing NC, with the sincere desire to make her happy, to the fullest extent I can. And propose to her one day, the same manner in which your fiancee proposed to you. I, whether sanely or otherwise...have always believed that to be something to fight for, no matter what.

Edited February 5, 2010 by David V.

[Catseye8]

That's wonderful, Georgia Girl! Congratulations, and I hope that the wedding day is exceeded in awesomeness only by the marriage that follows

 

Thanks for the reminder that the ones who let us down should have to earn us back for anything to work, too. My ex (from what was also a great relationship that hit the Commitment Issues rocks), who's still been hanging around in a clingy way, told me recently that he owed me a huge, substantial apology and explanation, something he was working on giving me once he'd got his Issues and the motivations behind them ironed out (he's currently in therapy, it seems). Which he does - but until he said it, I was always imagining that this would be something I'd have to convince him to give me. It surprised me a lot that it would be something he'd offer, unprompted - and then it surprised, and worried, me a great deal more that I'd ever let myself believe I deserved anything less! Breakups are traumatic enough without casting aside your own self-respect in the process, and it's good to be reminded of this.

[sean1]

that really is like a fairytale ending. its perfect in every way. how was it he set on getting you back?

 

im like the guy in your story and ijust want abit of help as i only recently got finsihed by my girlfriend. i have a post if you want to read.

[sunrae]

Congratulations!!!! Such a great story of happiness.

I wish you guys the best and much joy.

[MySweetie'sGone]

Georgiagirl what did you do in between the period where you broke up and got back together? Did you cut off communication? What was it like when he came back?

[EricaH329]

First i'd like to say congratulations!! I'm always very glad to hear a story like yours! I'm very happy for you!

 

If your relationship was rocky or you were the partner who always gave more, I would suggest letting it go and finding someone new. As hard as that is, it's your only path to genuine happiness. Your relationship was out of balance and one person can't make a relationship work.

 

I agree with your entire post! This quote though, made me think a little bit.

 

I was in a previous relationship with my fiance where that was the case. It was rocky because I was always the one giving 100% in the relationship, and he only gave 25%. We ended up inevitably breaking up because of this.

 

However, when he came back to me and told me that he would do anything to be with me... he stepped it up. He is now giving more than he ever has before.

 

I believe that if you were in a relationship that was rocky and had a lot of problems in it, if you re-visit the relationship, there is a huge possibility for change. If, of course, both parties are involved.

 

I wasn't sure if that's what you meant or not.

[Serena2009]

Georgia Girl,

 

This is such a wonderful story and I am so happy you have shared it as well as sharing your astute insights!! I am so happy for you!!

 

Since some of us have struggled with a partner being CP in the relationship, it would be helpful to understand more of what goes on in the mind of a CP during the process and how they may work to overcome it. If this information is too personal to share, I understand.

 

Again, I'm VERY happy for you and wish you a lifetime of happiness in marriage!!

[georgia girl]

@ Erica, that wasn't exactly what I meant, but it also works. The idea is that relationships have to be a true emotional partnership - no one can give more. Yes, there are times when you will each do a little bit more for the other partner, but in the whole, you both need to be as emotionally committed. That, to me, is essentially what keeps people from treating each other badly. If both people have equal emotional "skin in the game" then they won't pull stunts or treat each other badly.

 

@ Serena, I'd love to have a clue what it is that I did, but to be honest, I didn't do a darned thing. I just focused on me and what I needed. As some of you may remember, I did go no contact but that wasn't really for his benefit. It was for mine - I just wanted to get over him. I'm also not sure why or how I knew that it was serious when I did give him a second chance. I just know that there was sincerity in how he dealt with me.

 

I do know that when we got back together, I actually told him no several times prior. I was honest and said that I just didn't trust him to ever be as committed as me and that it was better for me in the long run if I just cut my losses. I was always nice about it, but I was pretty firm. It was really about not getting hurt again over someone who wasn't going to be my life's partner anyway.

 

So, really, the changes were his. I don't take credit for his changes. I can only explain my thought process and what I did. I think, though, that a lot of second chances go wrong because the "dumpee" is just too willing to take any vestige of a second chance and isn't really willing to demand their relationship get a fair shot. It's a gamble, but as I've always said, it's one you can't lose. Yes, your dumper may never come back but at least you learn that early and you heal, rather than linger in limbo-land while the perfect partner is out there waiting for you.