Can Trust be rebuilt?

[puppydog]

Let's say my ex got cheated on in the past (not by me) and he says he got over the trust issues. So years later he dates me. We had our fair share of hurting each other and not being able to trust each other for a time, but we finally got over that....until the month of our breakup. Everything snowballed then. For the record, I was 100% faithful to him and we were together 3 yrs 8 months.

 

After we broke up, I asked him "So at what point did you realize that it wasn't going to work out" He said: "When I realized I couldn't trust you anymore. He says he feels scared to get hurt again" He told me after the breakup that the only thing I need to change is that I need to stop running away. (I had a tendency to walk away from heated arguments/tense situations because I didn't want to say or do something I would regret. I mean if he called me rude or disrespectful, I can take that, but calling it walking out on him?) He said he had no other complaints whatsoever about me.

 

In a situation like that, can trust really be rebuilt? I know that the behaviors that led him to think I was "running away/walking out out on him" are easily correctable; I know that I can change this behavior 100%. I didn't realize until after our breakup how this behavior affected him this much because he didn't anything until the end. (I know that he has to want to give it a chance if it's going to work.) Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

 

I know as of right now there is nothing I can do but give him his space and time, so I'm just wondering out loud here. When trust is broken, can it be rebuilt? Or is it over forever. I asked my mom about this, and surprisingly she's pretty liberal in the sense that pretty much everything is forgivable except cheating.

 

When trust is an issue, do guys fall out of love immediately?

Edited November 24, 2009 by puppydog

[stace79]

I think his complaint is immature. Everyone handles conflict differently. My ex used to be the same as you -- he wanted to walk away, cool off, and think before he spoke. I, on the other hand, wanted to hash things out right away, which sometimes led to hurtful words being spoken, on both sides.

 

Part of being an adult is learning to deal with different styles of managing conflict. I don't think you should just "change" to be back with him. That could be a sign that you're not meant to be together. There has to be some compromise -- maybe you say to him before walking away "I'm pretty angry; let me take a half hour to cool off and then we can discuss this calmly." And then he has to give you the half hour or whatever agreed upon time to do that. Then you maintain trust by coming back to discuss at the agreed time frame, also.

 

I've read your other posts, and I really think he's being far too needy and unrealistic. There's even times when I want to just walk away to cool off... he has to learn to understand that. You are not his ex who cheated on him -- if he can't stop holding that against you, then he's damaged goods anyway.

[TaraMaiden]

Let's say my ex got cheated on in the past (not by me) and he says he got over the trust issues.

Which obviously, wasn't true....So that was a lie, from the start....

 

So years later he dates me. We had our fair share of hurting each other and not being able to trust each other, but we finally got to the point where we trusted each other....until the month of our breakup.

No, because if you had trusted each other, (or more pertinently, he trusting you) there would have been NO break-up....

 

After we broke up, I asked him "So at what point did you realize that it wasn't going to work out" He said: "When I realized I couldn't trust you anymore."

 

This isn't about Trust.

I think you're both making a mistake, in part....

 

He told me after the breakup that the only thing I need to change is that I need to stop running away. (I had a tendency to walk away from heated arguments/tense situations because I didn't want to say or do something I would regret. I mean if he called me rude or disrespectful, I can take that, but calling it walking out on him?) He said he had no other complaints whatsoever about me.

It's not that he didn't trust you.

It's that there was inadequate or insufficiently constructive COMMUNICATION.

 

In a situation like that, can trust really be rebuilt? I know that the behaviors that led him to think I was "running away/walking out out on him" are easily correctable; I know that I can change this behavior 100%.

 

In that case, that means staying in a situation and talking it over constructively, not turning and leaving the issue hanging in mid-air.

Yes...?

 

I didn't realize until after our breakup how this behavior affected him this much because he didn't [say] anything until the end. (I know that he has to want to give it a chance if it's going to work.)

 

You both have to. You both lack the ability to communicate effectively, and the Effort has to come as much from you, as you'd like it to come from him.

 

Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

No, but having experienced a voluntary role with a Counselling association, I have seen this....don't ask how many times.....

 

I know as of right now there is nothing I can do but give him his space and time, so I'm just wondering out loud here. When trust is broken, can it be rebuilt?

 

If a relationship is to survive, there must be three vital components present:

TRUST

COMMUNICATION

RESPECT for your partner and yourself.

 

Somewhere along the way, all three were found wanting.

 

Or is it over forever. I asked my mom this, and surprisingly she's pretty liberal in the sense that pretty much everything is forgivable except cheating.

I disagree with her terminology.

I think pretty much is negotiable, including cheating. The forgiving is work-in-progress...

Physical violence is a no-brainer and absolutely completely totally unacceptable.

 

But what you have to do is to both decide whether your relationship is worth the EFFORT and COMMITMENT you are BOTH going to have to input.

Equally.

Edited November 24, 2009 by TaraMaiden

[puppydog]

When he broke up, he did apologize for being needy. I think some other people take this as a turn off, but it's a character trait that I can handle. Am I strange? Haha.

[DenverBachelor]

Anything can be rebuilt. However, usually people rebuild something newer and better. They're not rebuilding the same World Trade Centers. Why should you rebuild the same relationship?

[Template]

I think it all depends on the severity of the trust that's broken. Different strokes for different folks. While you "walking out" on him, may not have been a big thing to you, it was obviously a huge deal for him (maybe he has personal issues, experiences, that led him to this type of behavior). While I'm not saying that how you handle yourself is wrong/right, and how he approaches it is wrong/right, some compromises has to be made. Let me ask you this however; Even though you walked away, did you eventually resolved whatever issues that caused it? Or are you the type of person that thinks it'll get resolved if you never talk about it, and hopes that it dissipates? Be honest about the answer.

 

My ex was that type of person, and I'm like your ex. I like to resolve things as they happen. She liked to ignore me and get away. However, she never liked to discuss it afterwards (too hard). Suffice to say nothing got resolved. Bad communication, I know. But you get the point.

 

But I can tell you this. If you ever read my post on my breakup, you'll know why I'll never trust my EX ever again.

[puppydog]

I always came back and discussed them afterwards. I always apologized sincerely and he believed it (or so I thought).

 

He really was heartbroken and so was I after our breakup. I know he's going down the path of moving on, but a part of me struggles with this thought: If I love this guy, do I just let him go and wish him the best? OR...Shouldn't I give it my best shot and hope that he gives me another chance? (when we both cool down of course)

Edited November 24, 2009 by puppydog

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes it can be rebuilt, if you both want to try, if you both feel the relationship is worth saving.

Even cheating can be forgiven by some people, like my friend's partner who stuck with her during her affair and they even got married, and still are, years later.

[puppydog]

From my experience, with past friends and their relationships, once the guy decides it's over, it's usually over despite any begging on the part of the girl. When the girl says it's over, the guy can usually talk his way back in. Keep in mind I'm talking in a very general sense.

 

This is a question for the guy (or girl too if you're not usually the type to take your ex back)

 

What are the possible reasons that made you want to change your mind and give it another try.

 

You notice that the girl has changed?

You still love her?

Any other reason?

[TaraMaiden]

When he broke up, he did apologize for being needy. I think some other people take this as a turn off, but it's a character trait that I can handle. Am I strange? Haha.

Can you really?

How?

 

He seems to think you can't.

Which is why he apologised for it.

 

Have you read my post?

[puppydog]

Yeah, surprisingly I can handle (for the most part) his neediness. I've been thinking A LOT the last several days and realized that it was the lack of communication that killed our relationship. If we had both communicated what we needed from the other person, we wouldn't be where we are now.

 

What I would give to be given another chance...