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About second chances...


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

 
 
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Old 25th September 2009, 10:35 AM   #1
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About second chances...

I was on this board not so long ago posting about my exBF (now my BF) and how heartbroken I was. I also wanted him back desperately. However, somehow through this process - partially with Caliguy's help - I realized that for our relationship to ever work, be healthy and to avoid a situation where we'd break up again, I had to hold out for what I NEEDED in the relationship. I did that and I'm happy that we're back together.

However, if I could pass on just a little wisdom to help someone else out who was in my shoes, its this: you can't compromise what you need just to get someone back and you can't lie to yourself that you're "not really compromising."

The reason I say this is had we gotten back together and I would have compromised my need for a real commitment and direction, I wouldn't be here today. I would instead be insecure and over analysing every bit of our relationship. My partner would also be free to continue to bounce in and out - a role that is comfortable for him - and he wouldn't be learning the true value of commitment and what's in it for him when he does commit.

Relationships are hard. But they are so worth it. I learned from my partner that his idea of a breakup was not that we wouldn't ever get back together again but that we'd take the summer off somewhat. My idea was that it was over. Therefore, when I went no contact in an effort to get myself healed, he realized that his perception and mine were not in sync and that I WAS getting over him. That made him rethink his position.

He's trying. I'm trying. We're both learning. Breakups don't have to be the end. But both people have to be true to themselves first before they can make a relationship last, in MHO. Hopefully, this is a little hope and a little solid advice!

Georgia Girl
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Old 25th September 2009, 3:08 PM   #2
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I'm really, really happy for you... you've read my posts and given me some great advice. When you say that in his mind that the breakup wasn't that you guys would never get back together, it was just a few months off, did he communicate that to you or allude to it? Kinda hit a chord for me...
How long were you apart? Months?

Last edited by mimiminx; 25th September 2009 at 3:18 PM..
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Old 25th September 2009, 3:43 PM   #3
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Glad to hear things are working out for you. Thanks for being willing to share not only the times you have been upset, but for being willing to take the time to come back and post when something is going right.. and thanks for the advice about not compromising.. I need to like tattoo it across my forehead or something for us in my current situation, lol
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Old 25th September 2009, 4:54 PM   #4
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Georgia Girl - First of all, I am happy that you and your boyfriend have gotten back together . Like, Phedre stated most people do not provide positive stories on LS.

I am currently going through a situation, were I would like to get back with my ex-boyfriend after I made the mistake of breaking up with him. We have agreed to talk, but have yet to sit down. It has been a lil over a mth.

I would like to know - How long were you and your boyfriend seperated before getting back together? How did you guys work it out?

Any advice would be helpful.

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Old 26th September 2009, 9:09 AM   #5
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@Mimiminx: Interesting question. No, my BF never mentioned it at the time. He mentioned it the other night when we were out at a local bar with friends. Someone said something about, "So, are you really back together?" I was a little taken aback by the question, but totally floored when he said, "Well... I never intended for us to break up completely but that's what (my name) wanted. But yeah, we're together now." I asked him later about his comment - because it was fairly clear at the time. That's when he said my idea of a breakup and his were completely different.

@ Sunshine: I don't think the amount of time matters as much as the amount of change. My new theory is that when two people break up, they both are hurt and disillusioned. Therefore, they're not the same people who got together. So, before we could ever get back together, we had to get rid of the dirty baggage and the people we were becoming by the way we responded to the dirty baggage. Now, I'm confident again (I had lost that) and he's carefree again (he had become withdrawn). You can't measure your ex's change, but you can measure you're own. It's so easy to want to cut corners, but you really can't. You have to heal, get strong and come back together as whole people. I like to say that two partial people broke up with each other. Two whole people got back together.

@ everyone: the reason I posted this is because I am now convinced that there are lots of second chances out there for everyone. The problem is that we have to be clear about being prepared to take that second chance. If we repeat all of our past behaviors (especially those behaviors which occurred near the breakup) into the second chance, I think it's doomed to fail. But, if we heal and get back to our core self while allowing our partner to do the same, then reconciliation is possible. You may need to learn to communicate better, go to counseling, etc., but you can make it work. Just don't ever cheat yourself - to thine own self be true.
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Old 26th September 2009, 11:18 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by georgia girl View Post
@Mimiminx: Interesting question. No, my BF never mentioned it at the time. He mentioned it the other night when we were out at a local bar with friends. Someone said something about, "So, are you really back together?" I was a little taken aback by the question, but totally floored when he said, "Well... I never intended for us to break up completely but that's what (my name) wanted. But yeah, we're together now." I asked him later about his comment - because it was fairly clear at the time. That's when he said my idea of a breakup and his were completely different.

@ Sunshine: I don't think the amount of time matters as much as the amount of change. My new theory is that when two people break up, they both are hurt and disillusioned. Therefore, they're not the same people who got together. So, before we could ever get back together, we had to get rid of the dirty baggage and the people we were becoming by the way we responded to the dirty baggage. Now, I'm confident again (I had lost that) and he's carefree again (he had become withdrawn). You can't measure your ex's change, but you can measure you're own. It's so easy to want to cut corners, but you really can't. You have to heal, get strong and come back together as whole people. I like to say that two partial people broke up with each other. Two whole people got back together.

@ everyone: the reason I posted this is because I am now convinced that there are lots of second chances out there for everyone. The problem is that we have to be clear about being prepared to take that second chance. If we repeat all of our past behaviors (especially those behaviors which occurred near the breakup) into the second chance, I think it's doomed to fail. But, if we heal and get back to our core self while allowing our partner to do the same, then reconciliation is possible. You may need to learn to communicate better, go to counseling, etc., but you can make it work. Just don't ever cheat yourself - to thine own self be true.
Well, if you are happy, good.

Can I ask you to clarify - when you say you broke up and he was thinking it was just a break for the summer, what does that mean? That he wanted the summer off to do his own thing, and then regretted that you actually were moving on?

Based on what you have said, does he have a history of fleeing? The reason I ask is does this seem like a pattern? Now that you are 'back', do you think that he will realize what he lost and stop running?
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Old 27th September 2009, 11:16 AM   #7
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@ bhweller: I think your point is well-taken. Many folks get into a second chance/reconcilation attempt while still in a bad state of mind. That is, they are willing to compromise who they are and what they need to have this particular person in his/her life. They may also cling. If you read my posts, you'll see I talk a lot about this. That you have to be in a very good place in your own life before you can attempt a reconciliation. When I say that relationships are hard, I would also say that they are incredibly rewarding. However, you have to learn to communicate and share in a relationship. Both my BF and I have very, very demanding lives - we've got very busy jobs, we're both athletes who train a great deal and we have tons of extended family. We have learned how to prioritize and communicate better, which took effort. However, I am happy, confident and loving life. I think that's the best outcome of any relationship.

@ northstar: Very good catch. I think my BF's comment describes a little bit of the difference between a man and a woman (or perhaps his commitment phobe element). He didn't want to think in terms of forever for the breakup, just more at that moment. He had three triathlons coming up and wanted to be competitive (though he's getting too old to really be competitive anymore) and was feeling the strain on his training schedule by having to "make time" for us. His thought literally was, "Everything was going well with us, so why couldn't he take a little break and train?" I couldn't accept that and called him on it. When he realized there was a consequence, he worked to fix it. It took a very long time - and some significant acts on his part - to prove to me that he was not going to be cavelier about our relationship again, but I trust him now.

Again, however, to both and to anyone else reading this post, this is about healthy people getting back together. You have to take that time to be your own person with your own needs and wants and not just fall back into coupledom. If there's one thing I am so happy I learned, it was that lesson. In our second chance, both of us have learned to respect each other's individuality and need for space while also serving the greater good of our relationship and keeping that the priority in our lives.
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Old 27th September 2009, 7:17 PM   #8
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The thing that bothers me about second chances is this...

What is any different about someone cheating on someone

OR

Someone breaking up with someone, then getting with other people

If I am offered a second chance, this is the hurdle I face. As I can't really see a great difference between the two. Sure at the moment I don't know if my ex has/is seeing anyone. That being said I will probably never know.
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Old 27th September 2009, 7:49 PM   #9
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GG: I believe in second chances and that's why I took the route I'm taking right now - NC until next year. If your head is not clear (both of your heads) and you don't have any idea what to make out of anything, then it's better not to talk for a while because it will just become a mess. Whether my ex realizes what he's done or not, I don't know because I haven't talked with him. All I know is that, maybe, eventually, I would be able to be friends with him. For now though, not a chance. I'm still hurt by what happened - mostly about him not telling me all of this right off the bat but telling me months later.

Would I give him a second chance? I don't know. I really don't. I think he screwed up in my books and so I don't think there's a possibility of me loving him fully. Even if I forgive him completely (which I have), I don't think he would be able to make me truly happy (subconsciously, I would always remember what happened between us initially and that is a bad thing). So, while I believe in second chances, I don't think this would work out. Unfortunately. It makes me really sad knowing that the right person for me was in my life but he was completely and utterly messed up to realize what he was doing.
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Old 28th September 2009, 12:43 AM   #10
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Glad my advice helped
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Old 28th September 2009, 4:08 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech View Post
The thing that bothers me about second chances is this...

What is any different about someone cheating on someone

OR

Someone breaking up with someone, then getting with other people

If I am offered a second chance, this is the hurdle I face. As I can't really see a great difference between the two. Sure at the moment I don't know if my ex has/is seeing anyone. That being said I will probably never know.
The difference is that one approach is completely honest... as in, "Let's actually break up, feel free to see other people, and IF we end up together again then all the power to us"... or the dishonest way which is more like, "Let me make my partner THINK I want to be with them while I get with other people, therefore shattering all the respect I ever had for my relationship, and all relationships in general."

The honesty factor is very important in my opinion. In a nutshell, if you just go and cheat then try to keep your partner around waiting in the wings.. that aint cool!
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