why is it so hard to accept that it is over?

[9Lives]

Has anyone struggled with getting over someone? It is like you just cant seem to make yourself give up.

 

I saw my ex at the club and we was nice to each other. He brought me a drink and danced a little. he went his way and I went mine. he called me when he left just to chit chat.

 

He has told me he doesnt want a relationship and I am finally not trying to change his mind even tho I still love him.

 

I want to be FRIENDS but i still want him as well. I dont want to force him to be with me or try to convince him to come back to me either. It is just weird.

 

How do I balance this relationship properly. I dont want to push him away but i dont want to purse him either. How do you do this?

[RedDevil66]

Has anyone struggled with getting over someone? It is like you just cant seem to make yourself give up.

 

I saw my ex at the club and we was nice to each other. He brought me a drink and danced a little. he went his way and I went mine. he called me when he left just to chit chat.

 

He has told me he doesnt want a relationship and I am finally not trying to change his mind even tho I still love him.

 

I want to be FRIENDS but i still want him as well. I dont want to force him to be with me or try to convince him to come back to me either. It is just weird.

 

How do I balance this relationship properly. I dont want to push him away but i dont want to purse him either. How do you do this?

 

I think everyone who's in a break up feels this way. It's horrible trying to get over someone, but even worse when you have contact with them

The only TRUE way to get over someone is no contact.

It's the cure for heartache

[9Lives]

Is that the only way? Sometimes I just want to hear is voice and keep it moving. Maybe that is a lie in my head as well.

[RedDevil66]

Is that the only way? Sometimes I just want to hear is voice and keep it moving. Maybe that is a lie in my head as well.

 

Of course it's the only way. If you want to keep in contact, you more than likely enjoy the sorrow.

[9Lives]

it seems like it is hard to do NC that to talk every now and then. thats all.

[norajane]

it seems like it is hard to do NC that to talk every now and then. thats all.

 

That's because each time you talk, you revive the hope that you'll get back together. NC means you are letting that hope go.

[9Lives]

That's because each time you talk, you revive the hope that you'll get back together. NC means you are letting that hope go.

 

That makes sense when put that way. okay I will see I can get my brain to soak that in to my head!!

[GrayClouds]

That makes sense when put that way. okay I will see I can get my brain to soak that in to my head!!

 

Sometimes it is better to just do No Contact first. Follow it for a month or two, then you start understanding its value.

[9Lives]

Sometimes it is better to just do No Contact first. Follow it for a month or two, then you start understanding its value.

 

well i am not new to the concept but i have always hated it and questioned it usage of it. I do think you need to keep your space but months of not speaking to someone turns into punishment in a way.

 

It is just time for me to focus more on embracing my single lifestyle. I enjoy being single for a lot of reason.

 

I am not going to stop talking to my ex bf. I will however put some guideliness and boundaries so I dont set myself up to get hurt. everyone here gives alot of good advice so I dont have to shoot in the dark here about alot of stuff I would have had to test on my own. LS kinda prepares you for relationships and what to expect. I think it will work out and if it doesnt....you will be the first to know.

 

I think the big thing is to really accept it is over and move on. He doesnt have to be a enemy but a relationship is not what we have anymore. I wont be trying to act like he is my man. That will help.

[DSM2709]

9lives, I am in the same boat as you in regards to my ex. SHE, not me, makes contact with me almost everyday. I do answer the phone when she calls because I feel it's childish to ignore her, I don't mind talking to her. She is just a "FRIEND" now, and we talk about our "other" halfs among other things, even though I am not in a relationship, I am seeing other people. She's in another relationship with someone who has got some issues, and she spills this info to me, for who knows why. I am not jelous, I really don't care, but I do care about her and her safety. I guess I'm holding out for hope that she dumps this guy for good and gives me a second chance. I take things now one day at a time. I do think about her everyday and how much fun we use to have, but time is slowly doing it's job in me letting go of her. I think that for me NC would not work, because we've been together for two years, and I know what she did to me was wrong, but I can't help thinking that there might be a chance to reconcile with her and that's why I still remain in contact with her....only time will tell. Best of luck 9Lives. Keep your head up.

[9Lives]

9lives, I am in the same boat as you in regards to my ex. SHE, not me, makes contact with me almost everyday. I do answer the phone when she calls because I feel it's childish to ignore her, I don't mind talking to her. She is just a "FRIEND" now, and we talk about our "other" halfs among other things, even though I am not in a relationship, I am seeing other people. She's in another relationship with someone who has got some issues, and she spills this info to me, for who knows why. I am not jelous, I really don't care, but I do care about her and her safety. I guess I'm holding out for hope that she dumps this guy for good and gives me a second chance. I take things now one day at a time. I do think about her everyday and how much fun we use to have, but time is slowly doing it's job in me letting go of her. I think that for me NC would not work, because we've been together for two years, and I know what she did to me was wrong, but I can't help thinking that there might be a chance to reconcile with her and that's why I still remain in contact with her....only time will tell. Best of luck 9Lives. Keep your head up.

 

Keep this is mind

It was her decison to leave

You have no choice but to accept it

You cant change her mind..its no use

You cant change her mind

 

 

Well I dont think it is fair for her to call you everyday. I wouldnt want to hear about some new chic on the scene. It wouldnt work for me.

 

I will tell you that women love to turn the ex into friends. You may need to be careful that she dont keep you in the friend zone. I would make it clear to her that you are respecting her wishes but this was not what you wanted. Just so she doesnt think you are cool with all this. I dont plan to be talking to my ex everyday cause I would bring myself down.

 

Do YOURSELF a favor AND remember this

 

Self Love

The ONLY person that will never leave you is YOU

The ONLY PERSON you can always rely on is YOU

Love is YOU. You are not waiting for love...it is inside you

 

Dont let her make you a doormat. If you are not getting anything out of this relationship as a friend..it will lead to frustration and pain on your end.

 

Embrace your single lifestyle more and move forward on your own.

Focus on You

[Trialbyfire]

Something that's pretty consistent across the board, is that 4 month mark, after break up. This appears to be a hard time for a lot of members, in that it's about the time it finally sinks in, that it's over.

 

Try to stick to real NC. While it's hard and can hurt like hell, it's honestly the best way to move on, if you let yourself.

 

It gets much easier by the time you hit the 6 month mark, so you don't have long to go, in comparison to how far you've already come.

 

Chin up!

[D-Lish]

Honestly, you will get to a point in your dating life where you will write off men like this. You'll also get good at seeing them coming a mile away and avoid them.

 

If someone can't be what you want, the best course of action is to walk away. I have cut off so many relationships in the early stages because I have come to realize that men often say what they mean when it comes to not wanting to commit. You finally start realizing that those kinds of disclaimers in the early stages of getting to know them turn out to be true.

 

I once dated a guy that told me early on that he never wanted to get married or get serious. I dismissed those words because within a few weeks he was calling me his gf, wanting to see me all the time, and just showing me throughactions that he perhaps didn't mean what he had said in the beginning. Early on, he even pulled out the "L" word and asked me to meet his friends. Made a big deal about taking me out to meet his friends when he "never" wanted to invite the people he dates into his world.

 

I was wrong. When I started to open up to him- he reverted back to that "but I told you I don't want a serious gf". There it was, the disclaimer. The words that he uses to ease his guilt after you find yourself feeling really close to him, It's that mindset- "since I told you that, you can't get mad at me when I use it as an excuse to pull away".

 

It's almost like you too signed that waiver when you acknowledged it way back when. What is the outcome? You tend to rationalize that he's really not a bad guy- but you also struggle with the belief that you might possibly change him- afterall- all the signs are there, and he's saying he really does love you... SO maybe sticking around and waiting for him to come around seems logical given his actions.

 

It's a tiresome game! Most likely, by you remaining friendly with him- you're telling him 1) you will wait 2) it's okay with you to wait. He doesn't have to make any promising to you when you wait.

 

I think you have to cut him off completely. If he can't commit to you- it's a big waste of time to remain entangled in the BS that will surely ensue.

[9Lives]

Honestly, you will get to a point in your dating life where you will write off men like this. You'll also get good at seeing them coming a mile away and avoid them.

 

If someone can't be what you want, the best course of action is to walk away. I have cut off so many relationships in the early stages because I have come to realize that men often say what they mean when it comes to not wanting to commit. You finally start realizing that those kinds of disclaimers in the early stages of getting to know them turn out to be true.

 

I once dated a guy that told me early on that he never wanted to get married or get serious. I dismissed those words because within a few weeks he was calling me his gf, wanting to see me all the time, and just showing me throughactions that he perhaps didn't mean what he had said in the beginning. Early on, he even pulled out the "L" word and asked me to meet his friends. Made a big deal about taking me out to meet his friends when he "never" wanted to invite the people he dates into his world.

 

I was wrong. When I started to open up to him- he reverted back to that "but I told you I don't want a serious gf". There it was, the disclaimer. The words that he uses to ease his guilt after you find yourself feeling really close to him, It's that mindset- "since I told you that, you can't get mad at me when I use it as an excuse to pull away".

 

It's almost like you too signed that waiver when you acknowledged it way back when. What is the outcome? You tend to rationalize that he's really not a bad guy- but you also struggle with the belief that you might possibly change him- afterall- all the signs are there, and he's saying he really does love you... SO maybe sticking around and waiting for him to come around seems logical given his actions.

 

It's a tiresome game! Most likely, by you remaining friendly with him- you're telling him 1) you will wait 2) it's okay with you to wait. He doesn't have to make any promising to you when you wait.

 

I think you have to cut him off completely. If he can't commit to you- it's a big waste of time to remain entangled in the BS that will surely ensue.

 

I absolutely love your message here. I really think you are right about the disclaimer the men will throw at you. You are right because they definately use that as a scapegoat when things appear to be getting very serious to them.

 

Well I decided that I am not going to worry about the NC thing because I dont want to wait anymore for him. Dont get me wrong, I still love him but I dont want to go through allllll this nonsense anymore. If a man doesnt want to be with me, it is his decision. I have no choice but to accept it. I cant change his mind and that is what I was thinking would happen. You cant change his mind. I dont mind hearing from him from time to time. I just dont feel like putting myself thru the agony of NC. I'd rather focus on accepting that it is over and doing whatever I want to do for me. I have given up hope for the most part. I dont want a man that dont want me as his lady. I think it is easier to just move on and not worry about the outcome of talking to him will be.

 

But I am very happy that you posted here I needed all that insight!!! All of it!!!

[Beeotch]

The truth is: if you are in love with him and he just wants to be friends or friends with benefits...it is going to hurt you. That is a very imbalanced relationship.

 

Until you guys are on more or less equal footing, that is either you both want to be with each other or are both okay with being friends...then a friendship will not work. U are probably going to end up hurt or compromising yourself or blurring the lines in some way.

 

I think you should keep him at arm's length until you can be just friends. You do not have to avoid him like the plague but you can simply be honest and tell him you can't be the best of friends with him so you hope he understands. He should if he is a reasonable person.

 

I disagree that once you break up you should treat this person like the worst mistake of your life and run the other way....in some instances it makes sense but in some break-ups...it was just a break-up. It was amicable and what needed to be done had to be done and the person is actually a good person...and it is actually understandable why you would want them around. So you can still be nice and speak every now and again...just do not put yourself in a position where you are trying so hard to be friends, always talking to them etc as if you're not over them it will be a disaster.

[9Lives]

The truth is: if you are in love with him and he just wants to be friends or friends with benefits...it is going to hurt you. That is a very imbalanced relationship.

 

I dont want to be friends with benefits with him. Period. Thanks for bring it up

 

Until you guys are on more or less equal footing, that is either you both want to be with each other or are both okay with being friends...then a friendship will not work. U are probably going to end up hurt or compromising yourself or blurring the lines in some way.

 

I do have to keep my boundaries and i know you are right

 

I think you should keep him at arm's length until you can be just friends. You do not have to avoid him like the plague but you can simply be honest and tell him you can't be the best of friends with him so you hope he understands. He should if he is a reasonable person.

 

We cannot be the best of friends for a very long time. I am trying to keep myself under control. I know what you are saying here. I do have some guideliness to let me know if I am stepping over the line that I have written down.

 

I disagree that once you break up you should treat this person like the worst mistake of your life and run the other way....in some instances it makes sense but in some break-ups...it was just a break-up. It was amicable and what needed to be done had to be done and the person is actually a good person...and it is actually understandable why you would want them around. So you can still be nice and speak every now and again...just do not put yourself in a position where you are trying so hard to be friends, always talking to them etc as if you're not over them it will be a disaster.

 

Well I am not going to FORCE a friendship either. I just dont want do the game of NC. If he calls fine and if he doesnt fine. I am trying to focus on my life.

[9Lives]

The truth is: if you are in love with him and he just wants to be friends or friends with benefits...it is going to hurt you. That is a very imbalanced relationship.

 

Until you guys are on more or less equal footing, that is either you both want to be with each other or are both okay with being friends...then a friendship will not work. U are probably going to end up hurt or compromising yourself or blurring the lines in some way.

 

I think you should keep him at arm's length until you can be just friends. You do not have to avoid him like the plague but you can simply be honest and tell him you can't be the best of friends with him so you hope he understands. He should if he is a reasonable person.

 

I disagree that once you break up you should treat this person like the worst mistake of your life and run the other way....in some instances it makes sense but in some break-ups...it was just a break-up. It was amicable and what needed to be done had to be done and the person is actually a good person...and it is actually understandable why you would want them around. So you can still be nice and speak every now and again...just do not put yourself in a position where you are trying so hard to be friends, always talking to them etc as if you're not over them it will be a disaster.

 

This is a very true statement. trying to be friends with someone you love is so hard. I always blow up on him and he just go tired of it. I recognize that I was a star and he was a circle meaning....we didnt want the same things anymore. I wanted him to be a star like me but that wasnt the case anymore and I could accept it. Im missing him but life has to go on. What else can I do. I want him back so much

[name witheld]

Can I just add something?

 

Even us blokes the non-emotional things that we are have feelings and the less sensitive we are the more we want to protect them.

 

So the best way for a guy to do that is to imply that he never wants marriage etc. If he says that hen he has already thought about it, and also actions speak louder than words.

 

If he is just as affectionate an still wants to spend time with you after sex then he has strong feelings for you and is likely to committ. No matter what is said.

perhaps he is looking for some secuity from you!

[HeavenOrHell]

I find it hard to accept because I don't want to believe it is true.

[lilbelle]

Can I just add something?

 

Even us blokes the non-emotional things that we are have feelings and the less sensitive we are the more we want to protect them.

 

So the best way for a guy to do that is to imply that he never wants marriage etc. If he says that hen he has already thought about it, and also actions speak louder than words.

 

If he is just as affectionate an still wants to spend time with you after sex then he has strong feelings for you and is likely to committ. No matter what is said.

perhaps he is looking for some secuity from you!

 

please elaborate.... ex always wanted to hang, sometimes he got mad that i didn't just want to cuddle and would initiate sex. also, he said several times he wanted to take care of me.... isn't that a sign he had thought of commitment with me? i just don't understand.

[Jamiewatt03]

I think everyone struggels to get over someone. There's basically a decision you need to make: Do you want the forgert about her (do you really?), or do you want to try getting back together. Getting back is tough, but not impossible! There might even be advantages but you need to stick to a few rules:

1) Be totally honest with each other

2) Address any problems or worries you have head-on

3) Do fun things together, you won't bond again by just talking. Doing is important!

 

I learned a lot from the following site & course. If you think it might help you then <a href="http://de037lweu379e1cfefk7sjwrey.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=FORUMNOV09" target="_top">Click Here!</a>. Good luck!

[HeavenOrHell]

For me it's hard to accept it's over as I was the one who was dumped and I am still in love with him, so I don't want to accept as I don't want it to be true.

[carhill]

Failure is difficult to accept for humans. It goes to essential ego and self-worth. Accepting failure is what takes the time IMO. Even if the other person was 'wrong', there's still the failure of the R/M which each party has to accept and work through.

 

IME, going through a divorce, the best way to accept that failure is to remain cordial but not friendly or with any semblance of the former intimacy. It realigns the dynamic back to polite disinterest which is the healthy dynamic for humans who no longer are together.