Just started contact after NC... is it worth it?

[cypresa]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I need to know whether i should keep in contact or not.

 

This is my story - i apologise for the length. My long term boyfriend broke up with me nearly 3 months ago. we were together 2 and half years. We were very happy and had a wonderful relationship. I am 31 - he is 35.

 

I was his first proper girlfriend, we had a great life and we didn't argue much. He always had issues with intimacy from the start - not in a lack of attentive way - he was always very affectionate but in a talking about his emotions or even facing them. So we went with the flow rather than analyse everything. (He was making little steps though - he said he loved me after 1 year - the first ever time he's said it to anyone)

 

I think he is ever so slightly on the autistic range - in that he has always protected his space and looked to me for guidance on our emotional relationship as well as in social situations. Saying that, he a very very successful man in his work and some would consider him a genius in his field.

 

Before we broke up i started to talk about moving in together. Thinking it was the right time to make more of a commitment to each other. Also we spent virtually every night together as it was. We loved each other so why not?!

 

This totally freaked him out. He would get anxious and looked completely trapped by the idea. (Commitment Phobe??!!) So one night after a small argument and me saying if he didn't want to live with me or even talk about it, perhaps this wasn't the right relationship - he agreed and said he thought it was the end of the road for us and that there was a 'disconnect' between us.

 

(I have to add here he was just about to start on the biggest project of his career and was unbelievably stressed by it all. So it probably wasn't the best timing on my behalf!!)

 

So we split up - all very amicable - i didn't cry or beg. thinking what is the point? You can't make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Our friends were all shocked and I found out that he was very happy with us, he loved me and could have carried on with the relationship as it was. but couldn't face the prospect of living together so something wasn't right and so it wasn't fair on me.

 

I sent him a letter than went NC (from advice read on this forum!!!! )

 

35 days NC. Although he wanted to remain in touch. Not a peep from him till my birthday and he sent a lovely card (mentioning the letter).

 

I sent him a card to say good luck on a massive project he was just starting and he sent back a few nice texts and a few saying how stressed he was with the massive project. Then we've started emailing (started by me i have to admit!!!) - 3 or 4 times a week. Always sweet and short emails catching up. I never ask him questions. He always asks me questions. He has just finished his massive project.

 

but now the emails have slowed down and i'm feeling upset again.

 

Do i just stop replying? and go NC again? I want him back obviously, so was thinking the emails were a slowly slowly approach by him. but maybe I'm totally delusional. and he's just being nice and caring.

 

help - what do i do???I don't want to lose contact with him - i want him to be thinking about me. but it is stopping me moving on... but maybe i need to go NC again so he misses me properly - and maybe start thinking he's made a mistake??

 

Or maybe I should just face the music and tell myself that he is gone for good.

 

advice needed from anyone....

 

thanks!!

[northstar1]

Look, if he wanted to be back with you in a realtionship he would make that clear. What you are doing now is acting as 'friends', which obviously is not what you want.

 

Staying in contact like this is just keeping you from moving on and healing.

Don't you think that if he wanted to reconnect with you, he would make that clear?

 

You have to figure out what you want. Do you want to remain in limbo for months while you exchange pleasantries? IF not, then stop contacting him.

 

If he truly wants a 2nd chance, neither hell or highwater would stop him from telling you that. Anything else (borrowing from Caliguy) is breadcrumbs.

[cypresa]

Thanks for your reply Northstar (and Caliguy's straight talking advice!) ... i know what you are saying is true but i guess it's hard.

 

I think i grasp at any glimmer of hope. No matter how faint. And you are right he does know where i am so could easily call and ask to meet for a catch up.

 

Does anyone else find it tricky not replying when the ex is trying to be in contact? Esp when you want them back?

 

i think i like the feeling that is still thinking about me and caring about me. That he hasn't just put me in a little box in his mind and sealed it shut.

 

but i think i will try and not reply next time....

[Girlygirl1977]

What you are going through is quite tough. I also think it is especially hard that he broke up with and didn't tell you specific reasons why this wasn't the right relationship.

 

I woul not contact him first for sure. The replying is a little bit harder I have to admit. Given you have already shown an openness/not angry. I think it is fair to drop off as far as the level of detail perhaps you respond with. I do think even if the guy changes his mind, it usually takes time. Still he could also very well not change his mind. I would try to go quiet as much as possible and try to heal and move on while minimizing contact.

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I need to know whether i should keep in contact or not.

 

This is my story - i apologise for the length. My long term boyfriend broke up with me nearly 3 months ago. we were together 2 and half years. We were very happy and had a wonderful relationship. I am 31 - he is 35.

 

I was his first proper girlfriend, we had a great life and we didn't argue much. He always had issues with intimacy from the start - not in a lack of attentive way - he was always very affectionate but in a talking about his emotions or even facing them. So we went with the flow rather than analyse everything. (He was making little steps though - he said he loved me after 1 year - the first ever time he's said it to anyone)

 

I think he is ever so slightly on the autistic range - in that he has always protected his space and looked to me for guidance on our emotional relationship as well as in social situations. Saying that, he a very very successful man in his work and some would consider him a genius in his field.

 

Before we broke up i started to talk about moving in together. Thinking it was the right time to make more of a commitment to each other. Also we spent virtually every night together as it was. We loved each other so why not?!

 

This totally freaked him out. He would get anxious and looked completely trapped by the idea. (Commitment Phobe??!!) So one night after a small argument and me saying if he didn't want to live with me or even talk about it, perhaps this wasn't the right relationship - he agreed and said he thought it was the end of the road for us and that there was a 'disconnect' between us.

 

(I have to add here he was just about to start on the biggest project of his career and was unbelievably stressed by it all. So it probably wasn't the best timing on my behalf!!)

 

So we split up - all very amicable - i didn't cry or beg. thinking what is the point? You can't make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Our friends were all shocked and I found out that he was very happy with us, he loved me and could have carried on with the relationship as it was. but couldn't face the prospect of living together so something wasn't right and so it wasn't fair on me.

 

I sent him a letter than went NC (from advice read on this forum!!!! )

 

35 days NC. Although he wanted to remain in touch. Not a peep from him till my birthday and he sent a lovely card (mentioning the letter).

 

I sent him a card to say good luck on a massive project he was just starting and he sent back a few nice texts and a few saying how stressed he was with the massive project. Then we've started emailing (started by me i have to admit!!!) - 3 or 4 times a week. Always sweet and short emails catching up. I never ask him questions. He always asks me questions. He has just finished his massive project.

 

but now the emails have slowed down and i'm feeling upset again.

 

Do i just stop replying? and go NC again? I want him back obviously, so was thinking the emails were a slowly slowly approach by him. but maybe I'm totally delusional. and he's just being nice and caring.

 

help - what do i do???I don't want to lose contact with him - i want him to be thinking about me. but it is stopping me moving on... but maybe i need to go NC again so he misses me properly - and maybe start thinking he's made a mistake??

 

Or maybe I should just face the music and tell myself that he is gone for good.

 

advice needed from anyone....

 

thanks!!

 

I think you should go NC if it's bothering you and going to keep dissapointing you to be in contact with him. Slowly but surely it's going to make you completely neurotic to keep things up this way, while you're wanting to get back with him and he's showing no interest to do so. I realise this isn't what you want to hear, but let yourself move on. If he happens to come back, then you'll have what you want. But NC doesn't work the way people think it does. Yes, you go NC and a lot of times it seems to attract that ex back (not always, but a lot). But the problem is although sometimes they come back after sometime realising they made a mistake and do want the relationship to work; often times people come back because they miss the familiarity of that person, and they miss having someone to care about them and give them attention. It may feel to them like wanting the relationship back, but a little time passes and it's right back to feeling like they did when they broke up with you.

 

 

Once they get their fix, often times the original problem still exists; that could be anything from being incompatible, to feeling lukewarm about a person. They just jump ship again. For some people? All they want is their dumpee to tell them they want to get back with them too; and it's enough to send them running, because it isn't real. Their desire to be back isn't sincere, and this is what really happens with NC a lot of the time.

 

So, I would say go NC for YOU, for your own sanity and peace of mind. It will only dissapoint you and make you anxious and wonder "where is he??" If you go NC with the intention of "winning him back."

[cypresa]

Thanks for all your advice guys.

 

I think time is the only answer here. That and minimising contact - as you both advise. You're right Girlygirl, I guess it's hard isn't it - when true reasons of splitting up are slightly obscured.

 

Even when i've asked our mutual friend - he is not entirely sure, given that my ex keeps things very guarded. The ex only says that the split was mututal, that we wanted different things.

 

There is no doubt in my mind he cares deeply for me - in a very respectful way. He would never mess me around - however i think he just doesn't really know what he wants - maybe needs time and space to figure that out - and yes i have to face that the likelyhood is what he wants isn't spending his life with me.

 

I also think he's not going to suggest meeting up unless he has come to some conclusion in his head - or whether enough time has passed for us to be just friends. He is a quite a sensible person and overthinks things to a distraction! Logic and reason are his masters rather than emotion.

 

Moving on is tough alone isn't it? Somhow his limited contact was quite comforting - he was always so supportive of me. But back to NC. And my own life.

[Devil Inside]

Sounds like you broke up. So if you want to be back together I think you are only going to torture yourself by having contact with him.

 

If he wants you back he will call and say that.

 

Sorry, I know it hurts, but the sooner you start NC...and stick with it....the sooner you will heal and it'll get better.

 

Hang in there.

[cypresa]

Do you really think that they do that? call up and dive straight in and say "i want you back!" - i reckon some people don't have the balls to do that.

 

Doesn't it sound more reasonable that they just slowly test the waters by sending nice emails first... to see if there are any feelings reciprocated .. it's not been a few weeks - it has been 3 months. He might not even know whether i am with someone else or not....

 

Isn't it slowly slowly - when getting back in touch?? treat it like you are first starting to date? no pressure etc etc..????

[Girlygirl1977]

Do you really think that they do that? call up and dive straight in and say "i want you back!" - i reckon some people don't have the balls to do that.

 

Doesn't it sound more reasonable that they just slowly test the waters by sending nice emails first... to see if there are any feelings reciprocated .. it's not been a few weeks - it has been 3 months. He might not even know whether i am with someone else or not....

 

Isn't it slowly slowly - when getting back in touch?? treat it like you are first starting to date? no pressure etc etc..????

 

I'm pretty sure there is no precise method with these things. I imagine it runs the gamut where especially if there is LC perhaps it is very slow and testing the waters. Likely even with NC, if they come back they could also be this way. The situation can be handled in a few different ways.

 

If it is slow for too long with the slow method though, then you know it isn't going anywhere or changing. So you would have to use your judgment.

[cypresa]

He hasn't replied for over a week - before that he had been emailing me at least 3 times a week.

 

I am upset by this and realise that his hold over me is waaaay too strong.

He is treating me like a friend which is better than nothing i guess, but the fact is, it is upsetting me - makes me realise that i am nowhere near ready to have this kind of contact (without getting my hopes up).

 

Going back to NC - but feels like a defeat this time round - because he has given me no choice. Feel like i'm back to square 1.

[georgia girl]

First, they really do that. They really say "I messed up. How can I fix this?" That's when you know. (Of course, I didn't believe it at first, but he eventually won me over).

 

Second, go no contact for your own sake. You're in the "anything to get them back" stage and contact with an ex at that stage is the most self-defeating course of action in the world. Get out and get back to your life. Don't worry - he knows where you are if he's willing to make it work. If he doesn't, it would never have worked and you are truly better off knowing that now.

[cypresa]

He emailed me this morning. a nice email - telling me that his sister just got engaged. (this is his reply to the email i sent 2 weeks ago!! a long time in my book)

 

i'm guess i should ignore his email - as per all of your advice?

 

Although, i feel quite rude not saying pass on my congratulations.

 

Do i not reply at all? or do i reply saying that i can no longer reply to him because as much as i want to be friends eventually - i still have feelings so it's hard to move on still being in contact.

 

thoughts- anyone????

 

Georgia girl - what would you do???

[georgia girl]

After two weeks? He's fishing. Let him wonder and ignore, ignore, ignore. Believe me, he'll make the effort when it matters to him. And if he really is interested in you, you ignoring him makes you all the more attractive!

[cypresa]

I sent a message on facebook to his sister to say congrats (we are still friends on facebook) so i don't feel like I'm being rude by not replying.

 

So i am going to ignore, ignore, ignore! cheers Georgia girl...

 

I suddenly feel like i have control again. A nice feeling!

 

Will let you know if he starts fishing again and if doesn't, well screw him.

[georgia girl]

cypresa,

 

YOU ROCK!!!

 

Isn't it the greatest feeling in the world? Being back in control and letting them chase you? Believe me, his sister will let him know that you wished her congratulations and that you didn't go through him. So, he'll contact again. Ignore him again. Let him prove he still has some staying power. You're on the right path, my friend! Good luck!

[cypresa]

it's been nearly a week since i haven't replied to his really nice email. and i am starting to feel like i'm being really rude. I'm not sure i want to play these ignoring games.

 

I think i will write an email to him saying that i am finding being in casual contact with him is probs not good for me - and that i thought i could be friends but now i realise that it is too soon - and that it's best if we don't stay in contact at least for the next 6 months or so... so i can really move on.

 

what do you think?? i just feel like i need to send an email - for closure or something like that. so i can draw a line under the whole thing......

 

and really start to move on! his email is hanging over me like a dark cloud...

[Confused_Chump]

I think i will write an email to him saying that i am finding being in casual contact with him is probs not good for me - and that i thought i could be friends but now i realise that it is too soon - and that it's best if we don't stay in contact at least for the next 6 months or so... so i can really move on.

 

what do you think?? i just feel like i need to send an email - for closure or something like that. so i can draw a line under the whole thing......

 

and really start to move on! his email is hanging over me like a dark cloud...

I did something quite similar to what you're describing before I proceeded with NC and began my healing process. For myself, letting them know of my intentions and how I felt was a good way to find closure and to move on without having to worry about any hard feelings that may arise from misunderstandings. However, I only did this when I really felt it was time for me to move on and that this was the best course of action to take for the sake of my own wellbeing. No one knows you better than yourself, so you'll have to decide what is best for you in this situation =).

 

One piece of advice I'd like to give is that if you do decide to email him for closure, you shouldn't put a time frame (i.e. 6 months) on yourself because it might give you a sense of pressure to heal within that time frame. IMHO, it's best to let time heal your heart without putting a restriction on it.

[Narf]

i too struggle with the ignoring without a reason and feeling rude... But when i really stop and think about it... What is the point in telling them?? More often then not it is in the hopes they reply with something caring or nice... But really none of that helps you...

 

I dont believe they feel the same way as us... I bet when he didnt reply for weeks he wasnt thinking about it every day.

 

I think you need to look at it from your point of view not his... Will replying help you? If you honestly think it will then reply and tell him this is to hard... If it wont then dont reply take time for yourself, reply when you feel stronger

 

Why explain things to him? In the hopes he understands and doesnt stop caring for you? Truth is he has stopped caring for you in the way you want and need :/