If a dumper wanted you back, wud they REALLY let you know?

[Taucher]

OK, this is just something that has been nagging me. I am interested in people's opinions without being sure myself but...

 

...I have heard a lot of advice on this forum and the advice is brilliant, generally. However, I have read advice from people on so many occasions that says that if the dumper wants you back, they will do anything to tell you and try to get you back. This seems to be accepted wisdom and I think I would like to challenge it.

 

Imagine, you are in NC (I'm trying to be but my ex keeps contacting, mainly about the flat we shared together). We are told that the NC is for us to heal, and unless the dumper says "I made a mistake, I want you back" we should ignore them.

 

However, the situation is fraught and full of uncertainty. Uncertainty that the dumper too must surely be feeling.

 

Imagine again, the dumper feels guilty, maybe they made a mistake in dumping you. YOU, on the other hand, have disappeared off the face of the earth. They feel like you are angry with them and they feel that it is TOO LATE. Why would they contact you if they felt like this.

 

A dumped person may want their ex back MORE THAN ANYTHING, but are going NC and biting their tongue and trying really hard to not let their ex know. Could not the same happen to the dumper?

 

Also, people leave other people for loads of reasons. The spark has gone, they have found someone new. Fair enough, my point doesnt work in these instances.

 

But other relationship break downs maybe more vague.

 

Total NC advocates say that NC is to heal and MAYBE to get an ex back (certainly the best chance). But a dumper who has made a mistake or has second thoughts would surely feel that there is no way back when faced with NC from the dumped.

 

I probably could have written this in half as many words but I think I got my point across! Ha!

 

Interested in anyone's thoughts.

[chslt77]

i feel like NC works in the healing process only. if youre not talking to them why would they want you back? youre not having any connections your not sharing your feelings with them, know what i mean? may not be what your talking about but just my opinion.

[wow123]

Another point: If you were being a jerk or did something to cause problems in the relationship leading to a breakup....how would NC help bring them back? You can either try to talk to them or walk away knowing for a FACT they aren't coming back.

[BCCA]

Here is where the struggle lies...

 

When you go NC, you almost expect SOMETHING. Its impossible not to, I know I did. You expect that someday, theyll cave in and call. Or if youre ignoring stupid emails, they will eventually call or send a good one.

 

Never happens.

 

Then, you start re-thinking. Well MAYBE if I was in contact, it would be easier to talk, or build something up again. Maybe NC worked against you, like if you didnt go NC, you could have worked things out. Maybe youve been doing the wrong thing the whole time.

 

Honestly, if someone dumps you, chances are its for good. Im not talking 51% odds, Im talking more like 90+%. Dumping someone isnt easy, and tends to be life changing. People RARELY do it without thinking it through. Once they drop the bomb, the chances of them changing their mind is pretty close to nill. What NC is keeps you from getting mixed messages, breadcrumbs, and all the other things that keep you on the hook without getting anywhere. It takes away their ability to send you a quick text, get their 'YOU' fix, and move on.

 

If they REALLY wanted to be back with you, they would show up at your door, and say it. Anything less than a complete admission of fault and desire to change isnt going to cut it. By making them have to go through a whole ordeal just to talk to you, you'll know when they do that they were serious and you didnt make it easy. Easy come, easy go.

 

They feel like you are angry with them and they feel that it is TOO LATE. Why would they contact you if they felt like this.

 

Anyone should realize that dumping someone is going to make them upset. If you cant handle the fact that you breaking someones heart makes them not want to be around you, you are either A)14, B) selfish or C) dillusional.

 

They SHOULD have to swallow crow and make an akward call if they want you back. It shouldnt be easy, it wasnt easy for you when they walked out on you. If you are worth it, they will go through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you. Being NC is irrelevant, its just something that you do for yourself to move on.

[BCCA]

Another point: If you were being a jerk or did something to cause problems in the relationship leading to a breakup....how would NC help bring them back? You can either try to talk to them or walk away knowing for a FACT they aren't coming back.

 

There generally isnt one thing that was done to cause a split. People tend to share things with people they want to keep around, not use them against them later. Saying 'I dont like it when you do X, and Im hoping we can find out a way to do something else because I like being with you' usually works.

 

What happens is that people dont mention these things at all until they dump you, because they dont WANT to fix them, they want to dump you, so its just ammo.

 

If there was an issue that was fixable, people would approach you and try and fix it. When youre on your way out, nothing you can do is any good, anyway.

[westrock]

They SHOULD have to swallow crow and make an akward call if they want you back. It shouldnt be easy, it wasnt easy for you when they walked out on you. If you are worth it, they will go through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you. Being NC is irrelevant, its just something that you do for yourself to move on.

 

Why is the threshold so high? What does it accomplish to make it so hard for the dumper to reconcile? It's unlikely that initially a dumper will make large attempts to get a person back. More likely they will initially reach out in small ways to guage the reaction of the dumpee. We see this all the time on LS with posts about dumpers post-breakup sending text messages, emails, phone messages and so on. But if the dumpee keeps ignoring the dumper's initial attempts until the dumper "goes through hell in a gasoline suit", the dumpee may actually be damaging an opportunity for possible reconciliation or closure.

[BCCA]

Why is the threshold so high? What does it accomplish to make it so hard for the dumper to reconcile? It's unlikely that initially a dumper will make large attempts to get a person back. More likely they will initially reach out in small ways to guage the reaction of the dumpee. We see this all the time on LS with posts about dumpers post-breakup sending text messages, emails, phone messages and so on. But if the dumpee keeps ignoring the dumper's initial attempts until the dumper "goes through hell in a gasoline suit", the dumpee may actually be damaging an opportunity for possible reconciliation or closure.

 

So youre saying you want to make it easy for someone to walk out on you and come back? Doesnt that make you think that if its easy to come back, that just maybe - it will be just as easy to leave again?

 

The reason most people get stupid/pointless emails/texts/etc is because the person really doesnt want to reconcile, they either want sex/money/company, and thats it. They dont put much effort into it because they dont want to.

 

You should judge someone's perceived value of you based on the effort they put in. The closer to nothing, the less value you have to them. Life is NOT all about getting back with the people who walked out on you, its about making yourself happy and realizing that you dont need to tolerate subpar behavior just for the sake of having someone.

 

A lot of people are so focused on getting someone back, that they overlook the fact that you shouldnt have to go through this when you fall in love.

[jmason2056]

So youre saying you want to make it easy for someone to walk out on you and come back? Doesnt that make you think that if its easy to come back, that just maybe - it will be just as easy to leave again?

 

The reason most people get stupid/pointless emails/texts/etc is because the person really doesnt want to reconcile, they either want sex/money/company, and thats it. They dont put much effort into it because they dont want to.

 

You should judge someone's perceived value of you based on the effort they put in. The closer to nothing, the less value you have to them. Life is NOT all about getting back with the people who walked out on you, its about making yourself happy and realizing that you dont need to tolerate subpar behavior just for the sake of having someone.

 

A lot of people are so focused on getting someone back, that they overlook the fact that you shouldnt have to go through this when you fall in love.

 

 

What if they left because of something you did? Shouldn't you fix yourself then if you still want them then make the effort?

 

I think that's why there are no success stories on this website. No one is willing to forgive their ex for leaving them even though they probably made the ex leave in the first place. I forgive my ex for breaking up with me. As painful as it is it was for the best. It made me grow as an individual and learn all of the mistakes I was making. When I get my second chance, and I'm sure I will no matter what pessimistic thoughts you all try to instill, I won't make the same mistakes.

 

I don't blame my ex for leaving me. When I move back, we'll continue our friendship and see where things lead from there.

 

We'll start from scratch since that's how successful reconciliations work. Dumpers don't come running through hell or high water to start things from scratch. They tip-toe in like anyone else does in a new relationship.

[westrock]

So youre saying you want to make it easy for someone to walk out on you and come back? Doesnt that make you think that if its easy to come back, that just maybe - it will be just as easy to leave again?

 

Yes, you are correct. Whether we make it hard or easy for someone to come back, they can still leave easily at anytime. No one can prevent someone from leaving a relationship. People are free to choose to leave a relationship. Unfortunately, that's the risk of being in a relationship, but it can also be a driving force to keep it alive.

 

You should judge someone's perceived value of you based on the effort they put in. The closer to nothing, the less value you have to them.

 

Using this approach, if the dumpee goes NC, the dumper will think the dumpee has zero perceived value of the dumper. If the dumpee wants to move on then showing zero perceived value is a good approach. But, if the dumpee wants to reconcile, conveying zero perceived value on the part of the dumpee is unlikely to encourage a dumper to put in anything more than texts, emails, IM, etc to initially test the waters. The problem I see with this approach is trying to determine someone's effort is a subjective determination based on our own expectations. Under such circumstances maybe sending that text or email IS a big effort for the dumper. Even if one goes with their own subjective determination, it would still only tell us the dumper's "perceived" value of us which is really just trying to mind read.

[BCCA]

Yes, you are correct. Whether we make it hard or easy for someone to come back, they can still leave easily at anytime. No one can prevent someone from leaving a relationship. People are free to choose to leave a relationship. Unfortunately, that's the risk of being in a relationship, but it can also be a driving force to keep it alive.

 

I understand that, but if someone has already burned you once, dont you think you should be a LITTLE more leery the second time around? The point is that you make it harder, not impossible, to come back so as to weed out half hearted attempts. This way, even though you could very well be burned again, you at least know they made an effort for you.

 

 

Using this approach, if the dumpee goes NC, the dumper will think the dumpee has zero perceived value of the dumper. If the dumpee wants to move on then showing zero perceived value is a good approach. But, if the dumpee wants to reconcile, conveying zero perceived value on the part of the dumpee is unlikely to encourage a dumper to put in anything more than texts, emails, IM, etc to initially test the waters. The problem I see with this approach is trying to determine someone's effort is a subjective determination based on our own expectations. Under such circumstances maybe sending that text or email IS a big effort for the dumper. Even if one goes with their own subjective determination, it would still only tell us the dumper's "perceived" value of us which is really just trying to mind read.

 

Come on now, you know as well as I do, whoever dumped the other person is in the high seat. They walked away from YOU, your thought about their worth is irrelevant. YOU are not worth the effort any longer, all you can do by staying in touch with them is further prove them right by allowing yourself to be socially demoted, from bf/gf to friend, and even at that - you'll hardly get a friendship.

 

Here is pretty much all you need to know about value, if you got dumped - you dont have a lot to the person who dumped you. People dont dump people they see as a great partner or someone they want to make an effort for. They best thing to do is walk away when someone says you arent what theyre looking for, its the only way to keep your dignity and not settle for second best. Staying in touch accomplishes nothing.

 

NOTHING you can say to someone who dumped you is going to help at all.

[westrock]

I forgive my ex for breaking up with me. As painful as it is it was for the best. It made me grow as an individual and learn all of the mistakes I was making. When I get my second chance, and I'm sure I will no matter what pessimistic thoughts you all try to instill, I won't make the same mistakes.

 

I don't blame my ex for leaving me. When I move back, we'll continue our friendship and see where things lead from there.

 

We'll start from scratch since that's how successful reconciliations work. Dumpers don't come running through hell or high water to start things from scratch. They tip-toe in like anyone else does in a new relationship.

 

I agree with this.

[westrock]

I understand that, but if someone has already burned you once, dont you think you should be a LITTLE more leery the second time around? The point is that you make it harder, not impossible, to come back so as to weed out half hearted attempts. This way, even though you could very well be burned again, you at least know they made an effort for you.

 

I agree with you. I think the key is to be a LITTLE more leery as you say. The problem is that many dumpees feel so upset (understandbly), but they swing the pendulum so far the other way that they put up a big wall and make it almost impossible for the dumper to get back in. Half hearted attempts are not necessarily a bad thing initially as long as we're willing to see if they lead to bigger attempts.

 

 

Come on now, you know as well as I do, whoever dumped the other person is in the high seat.

 

I think it all depends on the approach taken by the dumper. JMason's approach creates a more balanced situation to counter the notion of someone is in a high seat or low seat.

[BCCA]

I agree with you. I think the key is to be a LITTLE more leery as you say. The problem is that many dumpees feel so upset (understandbly), but they swing the pendulum so far the other way that they put up a big wall and make it almost impossible for the dumper to get back in. Half hearted attempts are not necessarily a bad thing initially as long as we're willing to see if they lead to bigger attempts.

 

Half hearted attempts dont lead to big ones. They are half hearted because there is lukewarm interest. If it was something there were all about, the attempts would be much more serious. As you said, its your right to be upset, AND its your right to be leery. Your trust and love should be earned again, not handed out just to have someone back. Like I said, be less concerned with getting someone back and more concerned with making yourself happy and setting some boundries.

 

I think it all depends on the approach taken by the dumper. JMason's approach creates a more balanced situation to counter the notion of someone is in a high seat or low seat.

 

When someone WANTS to be with you, they dont leave you for something youve done. They talk to you about it, and you work it out. Unless you cheated, got addicted to crack, or spent your live savings on a Nigerian scam, you can work almost anything out. When someone wants to be with you, they want to work these things out.

 

When someone wants to DUMP you, everything you do is wrong. They disagree with everything you say, and play devils advocate all the time just to push you away. The dont want to work things out, they want ammo to use when they dump you.

 

If your ex told you the exact reasons why she was dumping you and said she would consider changing her mind if you made an effort, by all means go for it. But if youre just guessing or interpretting something else she said, youre wasting your time. Changing for yourself to be better is great, but talking yourself into thinking that if you can just change a few things theyll be back is just wrong. Like I said, if they said they needed you to change something, fine, but Im guessing that didnt happen.

 

And this doesnt balance out the power at all, how is she not still in the high seat? Wont she always have the say as to wether they get back together or not? Youre still throwing yourself to her mercy, and you dont start from scratch as friends. Your history doesnt dissapear because you changed your status, youll always remember. I think youre both talking yourself into holding onto hope, when its better to let it go - regardless of what happens.

[jmason2056]

I understand that, but if someone has already burned you once, dont you think you should be a LITTLE more leery the second time around? The point is that you make it harder, not impossible, to come back so as to weed out half hearted attempts. This way, even though you could very well be burned again, you at least know they made an effort for you.

 

 

 

 

Come on now, you know as well as I do, whoever dumped the other person is in the high seat. They walked away from YOU, your thought about their worth is irrelevant. YOU are not worth the effort any longer, all you can do by staying in touch with them is further prove them right by allowing yourself to be socially demoted, from bf/gf to friend, and even at that - you'll hardly get a friendship.

 

Here is pretty much all you need to know about value, if you got dumped - you dont have a lot to the person who dumped you. People dont dump people they see as a great partner or someone they want to make an effort for. They best thing to do is walk away when someone says you arent what theyre looking for, its the only way to keep your dignity and not settle for second best. Staying in touch accomplishes nothing.

 

NOTHING you can say to someone who dumped you is going to help at all.

 

Not everyone is "burned" in a breakup. My ex was sad that we couldn't find any other way to fix things. She broke up with me even though she still loved me. She had just run out of options.

 

After the initial breakup, the power balance goes back to normal if the dumpee goes back to normal. Go earn your self-respect back and they'll respect you again. If I pursue my ex in a few months it will be on an even playing field. I know now that I want her, but I don't need her. My confidence in myself gives me my dignity. Pursueing something you want doesn't make you weak. If she doesn't want me back, then she doesn't want me back. I'll live with either outcome even though I'd rather have her with me.

 

I know she'll see a difference in me and give me my respect cuz I'll walk with my head held high and a smile on my face.

 

I didn't go No contact. I went limted contact because she wanted to stay friends. I went and got my head on straight while being civil with her.

 

you are right that nothing you say will change their mind. its what you do.

[jmason2056]

Half hearted attempts dont lead to big ones. They are half hearted because there is lukewarm interest. If it was something there were all about, the attempts would be much more serious. As you said, its your right to be upset, AND its your right to be leery. Your trust and love should be earned again, not handed out just to have someone back. Like I said, be less concerned with getting someone back and more concerned with making yourself happy and setting some boundries.

 

 

 

When someone WANTS to be with you, they dont leave you for something youve done. They talk to you about it, and you work it out. Unless you cheated, got addicted to crack, or spent your live savings on a Nigerian scam, you can work almost anything out. When someone wants to be with you, they want to work these things out.

 

When someone wants to DUMP you, everything you do is wrong. They disagree with everything you say, and play devils advocate all the time just to push you away. The dont want to work things out, they want ammo to use when they dump you.

 

If your ex told you the exact reasons why she was dumping you and said she would consider changing her mind if you made an effort, by all means go for it. But if youre just guessing or interpretting something else she said, youre wasting your time. Changing for yourself to be better is great, but talking yourself into thinking that if you can just change a few things theyll be back is just wrong. Like I said, if they said they needed you to change something, fine, but Im guessing that didnt happen.

 

And this doesnt balance out the power at all, how is she not still in the high seat? Wont she always have the say as to wether they get back together or not? Youre still throwing yourself to her mercy, and you dont start from scratch as friends. Your history doesnt dissapear because you changed your status, youll always remember. I think youre both talking yourself into holding onto hope, when its better to let it go - regardless of what happens.

 

No one forgets their history. If they did, then history repeats itself. You will always remember, but that keeps you from making the same mistakes. And yes you do start from scratch if you both are able to forgive eachother and yourselves for everything that happened in the past.

 

Who says you have to put yourself at their mercy? No one should be wearing their heart on their sleeve so soon in the reconciliation. If you're truly fine and of sound mind, then them saying no shouldn't devastate you.

[BCCA]

Not everyone is "burned" in a breakup. My ex was sad that we couldn't find any other way to fix things. She broke up with me even though she still loved me. She had just run out of options.

 

After the initial breakup, the power balance goes back to normal if the dumpee goes back to normal. Go earn your self-respect back and they'll respect you again. If I pursue my ex in a few months it will be on an even playing field. I know now that I want her, but I don't need her. My confidence in myself gives me my dignity. Pursueing something you want doesn't make you weak. If she doesn't want me back, then she doesn't want me back. I'll live with either outcome even though I'd rather have her with me.

 

I know she'll see a difference in me and give me my respect cuz I'll walk with my head held high and a smile on my face.

 

I didn't go No contact. I went limted contact because she wanted to stay friends. I went and got my head on straight while being civil with her.

 

you are right that nothing you say will change their mind. its what you do.

 

Let me ask you this, why do you want to spend a few months trying to better yourself for someone who has already walked out on you, when you could just consider the whole thing over with, move on and meet new people who havent dumped you, and if she comes back -great! But, if not, youre already on your way to recovery, out in the world, having a great life.

 

Pursuing someone who has told you they werent interested anymore is weak. Its basically saying she is your only option, and you would rather try her again than be confident enough to go out and find someone just as good or better.

 

The idea that someone who dated you and KNOWS you is going to see you in any different light is just silly. Do you think she'll completely forget about who you were, and be taken back by your confident swagger? Dude, she knows the deal - she left you.

 

My ex was sad that we couldn't find any other way to fix things. She broke up with me even though she still loved me.

 

No offense, but what are you talking about changing exactly? This is pretty clear to me.

 

And yes you do start from scratch if you both are able to forgive eachother and yourselves for everything that happened in the past.

 

Have you gotten back together before? Ive done it a couple times, and you have to get past things sure, but its never starting from scratch.

[jmason2056]

Let me ask you this, why do you want to spend a few months trying to better yourself for someone who has already walked out on you, when you could just consider the whole thing over with, move on and meet new people who havent dumped you, and if she comes back -great! But, if not, youre already on your way to recovery, out in the world, having a great life.

 

Pursuing someone who has told you they werent interested anymore is weak. Its basically saying she is your only option, and you would rather try her again than be confident enough to go out and find someone just as good or better.

 

The idea that someone who dated you and KNOWS you is going to see you in any different light is just silly. Do you think she'll completely forget about who you were, and be taken back by your confident swagger? Dude, she knows the deal - she left you.

 

My ex was sad that we couldn't find any other way to fix things. She broke up with me even though she still loved me.

 

No offense, but what are you talking about changing exactly? This is pretty clear to me.

 

 

 

Have you gotten back together before? Ive done it a couple times, and you have to get past things sure, but its never starting from scratch.

 

I'm not bettering myself for her, I'm doing it for me. I'm not waiting for her either. If I feel a connection with someone else then I'll act on it.

 

I'm not going back to stay on her back-burner. I'm an eligible bachelor and I know I can find someone else.

 

I won't spend a few months pursuing her. I'll know in 1 or 2 weeks of being back if there is a connection there or not.

 

my situation is probably different then most. She left the door open for reconciling.

 

Why wouldn't she see me in a different light? I'm different now then I was a few months ago. She left me, but she left a pathetic me.

 

We broke up because I've been in a different city for the last 7 months on an internship and I wasn't putting in the effort needed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship. I'll be back in 3 weeks and I'm sure she'll come sniffing around when I do.

 

Lastly, when I say start from scratch, I mean to start the dating, flirting, and courting process. I think that sounds more logical than going straight back into bf/gf. There's less initial commitement that way.

[BCCA]

I'm not bettering myself for her, I'm doing it for me. I'm not waiting for her either. If I feel a connection with someone else then I'll act on it.

 

I'm not going back to stay on her back-burner. I'm an eligible bachelor and I know I can find someone else.

 

Thats a good way to look at it! Go out there and meet new people.

 

my situation is probably different then most. She left the door open for reconciling.

 

As different as we would like to believe our situations always are, they are eerily similar most of the time. Almost EVERY woman leaves the door open, but they only do that to spare your feelings. Also, like I said, if she made it abundantly clear she wanted nothing to do with you, she could count on you being a complete douche for the rest of her life. Actions speak louder than words, though, and her actions arent leaving any doors open.

 

Listen, you dont break up with people you want to be with. Its nonsensical.

 

Why wouldn't she see me in a different light? I'm different now then I was a few months ago. She left me, but she left a pathetic me.

 

She knows you, shes not going to think youve changed. Shes just going to think its all an act to get her back, and unless youre really changing for yourself, it will be. Also, people really dont change much at all in 3 months, I hope you realize that.

 

We broke up because I've been in a different city for the last 7 months on an internship and I wasn't putting in the effort needed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship. I'll be back in 3 weeks and I'm sure she'll come sniffing around when I do.

 

You have no idea why she left you. Unless she specifically told you the exact reasons, youre just guessing. And I like I said, if she wanted to be with you, whatever your problems were - she would have wanted to work them out, not leave you.

 

Also, dont count on her sniffing around. And if she does, be leery of her intentions. I feel like youre setting yourself up for dissapointment.

 

Lastly, when I say start from scratch, I mean to start the dating, flirting, and courting process. I think that sounds more logical than going straight back into bf/gf. There's less initial commitement that way.

 

Well, you need to work back to the bf/gf stage, but you dont start from scratch. You start with 2 people who want to make something work. Unless she is as interested in it as you are, it just wont work. It really takes two to tango, trust me man.

 

I wish you the best, I've just been where you are, and I'm trying to warn you. Getting back with someone almost never works, trust me. Its much healthier to set your sights on other people, and leave the past in the past, but I know how you feel right now, and cant blame you.

[bella16]

I say it all the time, everyone is different. No later than a week after I went NC, my boyfriend started contacting me again everyday! And he dumped me!!!

 

I went NC because I wanted to stop being so upset, and have fun with my life instead of sob over someone. I really wasn't doing it for him to come back. But in my situation, as soon as I went NC he came back! I guess he was loving the fact that I was begging him not to break up the first 2 days, and when I stopped completely... he was wondering what I was doing. Now we are back together, had it not been for NC. So everyones different with it.

[BCCA]

I say it all the time, everyone is different. No later than a week after I went NC, my boyfriend started contacting me again everyday! And he dumped me!!!

 

I went NC because I wanted to stop being so upset, and have fun with my life instead of sob over someone. I really wasn't doing it for him to come back. But in my situation, as soon as I went NC he came back! I guess he was loving the fact that I was begging him not to break up the first 2 days, and when I stopped completely... he was wondering what I was doing. Now we are back together, had it not been for NC. So everyones different with it.

 

I would bet everything that he would have came back, anyway. Maybe NC helped speed things up, but the reason you used it is the key. You did it to get away and get over him, not to get him back. Going with that attitude, you didnt care if he came back or not, and THAT is the best way to look at it.

 

Also, men are far more likely to come back than women, I believe something like 8-1, if I remember that right. Men do not have the same support structure, and do not tend to talk things over with those close to them before ending something. Women, on the other hand, talk to anyone and everyone, and dump a guy over a month or longer. By the time a woman lets you know its over, you can bet you were really dumped about 2 months ago. You are really the last one to know.

[huck]

Agree with BCCA's last comment. Both from my own experience and reading this forum for the past few months - girls seem to check out of the relationship weeks/months before they actually dump you..

 

If someone really loves you and wants to be with you - they would walk to the moon and back to solve any problems in the relationship..

 

My ex told me a couple of weeks before the split that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me have kids etc - but then once we had split she said that she had started to feel different about 3 months before we broke up !!.. crazieeeeeee..

 

Huck...

[Ingenue]

I can only speak of my experience with my last ex. After I implemented NC and went about my life, he messaged me about 7 months post break-up to make friendly inquiries. I was on an indifferent level with him and while I tried to steer conversation to the mundane topics of everyday life, he insisted on coming back to my dating status and whether I was currently dating any individuals. He was curious and by my interpretation, was fishing for information. I remained deliberately obtuse. He lost privileges to information when he ceased to be my significant other.

 

At that time, he confessed to me that the relationship he was having with the current woman whom he was dating (the woman he cheated on me with) was less than ideal. He was the type to hedge his bets and I have no doubts that he was assessing whether I was still available while still dating his current flame. In his break-up email, he suggested that perhaps we could continue to "keep the flame alive" while he dated his new woman. I had more self-respect than that.

 

My ex did hint at wanting me back or was at least fishing for information. Given my lack of interest and being unreceptive to his hints, he didn't pursue or mention it any more. He wouldn't wound his pride either and beat down my door knowing that he'd be rejected.

 

A gesture of interest is just that. The real questions are what remedies the dumper will take to change his/her behaviour or be a better person or try to make the future relationship more equitable and what the dumpee really wants to do once that interest is expressed. A romantic relationship is, like any friendship or other relationship, a connection between two people that should be built on mutual trust. If that trust is broken, it takes a lot for it to be rebuilt. And unlike the lousy Love Story line, love DOES mean having to say you're sorry and might I add, atone for any repugnant behaviour expressed in the break-up and during the course of the relationship.

[jmason2056]

Thats a good way to look at it! Go out there and meet new people.

 

 

 

As different as we would like to believe our situations always are, they are eerily similar most of the time. Almost EVERY woman leaves the door open, but they only do that to spare your feelings. Also, like I said, if she made it abundantly clear she wanted nothing to do with you, she could count on you being a complete douche for the rest of her life. Actions speak louder than words, though, and her actions arent leaving any doors open.

 

Listen, you dont break up with people you want to be with. Its nonsensical.

 

 

 

She knows you, shes not going to think youve changed. Shes just going to think its all an act to get her back, and unless youre really changing for yourself, it will be. Also, people really dont change much at all in 3 months, I hope you realize that.

 

 

 

You have no idea why she left you. Unless she specifically told you the exact reasons, youre just guessing. And I like I said, if she wanted to be with you, whatever your problems were - she would have wanted to work them out, not leave you.

 

Also, dont count on her sniffing around. And if she does, be leery of her intentions. I feel like youre setting yourself up for dissapointment.

 

 

 

Well, you need to work back to the bf/gf stage, but you dont start from scratch. You start with 2 people who want to make something work. Unless she is as interested in it as you are, it just wont work. It really takes two to tango, trust me man.

 

I wish you the best, I've just been where you are, and I'm trying to warn you. Getting back with someone almost never works, trust me. Its much healthier to set your sights on other people, and leave the past in the past, but I know how you feel right now, and cant blame you.

 

I hear what you're saying and I'll follow your advice if I feel like she isn't interested in me anymore. She invited me over this past weekend and very blatantly flirted with me. There was alcohol involved though so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I'll follow my path if I think she still likes me and yours if I don't.

 

On the original topic, the more I think about it the more I think it depends on each relationship. My ex and I are both young and while we were serious we weren't living together or engaged. We had only dated for 2 years. Therefore in this situation, I think the dumper would tip-toe in since there is the time to do it and not alot was invested in the relationship.

 

In the case of couples that dated for a long time (5 or more years) I think they do need to make the effort to reconcile and put forth the effort if they want you back. More was invested and therefore more effort should be taken to get it back. That's my $0.02.

[BCCA]

I think when it finally all plays out, you start to realize how cold hearted, lame, and really s****y people are when they dump you. Once it all processes, and you see that youve been BS'd, you start to realize why the other person needs to do some serious work to get you back. I think 2 years is a pretty long time, but if youre in college or that age, those usually dont work out anyway.

 

When someone gets to the point of dumping you, you really see the worst out of them. It takes a lot of good to outweigh even a little bad, and when a whole lot of bad gets dropped on you...

[jmason2056]

I think when it finally all plays out, you start to realize how cold hearted, lame, and really s****y people are when they dump you. Once it all processes, and you see that youve been BS'd, you start to realize why the other person needs to do some serious work to get you back. I think 2 years is a pretty long time, but if youre in college or that age, those usually dont work out anyway.

 

When someone gets to the point of dumping you, you really see the worst out of them. It takes a lot of good to outweigh even a little bad, and when a whole lot of bad gets dropped on you...

 

I agree they don't usually work out. I also think that's why we have a decent chance of getting back together. We're too stupid to know any better. Im young and willing to make that gamble whether good or bad.

 

I disagree on the breakup bringing out the worst in eachother. I see how it could, but neither of our claws came out. I guess that's why I'm able to forgive her and myself so easily.