ex "confused"

[canuck]

my ex (we broke up last year for now irrelevant reasons) and i dated for six years previously.

 

we ended up spending the last year mostly on and off and settled some issues independently.

 

he ended up dating someone for the past five months but now he has come back to me... we have been together again for about three weeks but he isn't ready to see us as a couple again... he is worried he has commitment issues, he thinks he might not be the marrying kind, etc. i suspect the unreturned feelings he had with this girl is part of the reason for this because he never used to be like that.

 

i know on some level he knows we are coming to the point where if we label ourselves "together" we are on the track to marriage. i'm fine with that, but he has a problem with not being sure if he loves me the way he should, etc.

 

i think he will come around.. i just have the gut feeling he will.

 

i guess i'm asking at what point will he really realise that things really are good and we really were meant to be together for the long haul? he keeps spending time with me (and worrying that he uses me for company, even though he's affectionate and loves to spend it with me). he is totally being silly... overly careful... he knows i'm wanting marriage along the line if we make things official. i'm kinda stuck trying to be patient... and i'm not sure if i am using the best approach for this.

 

it's a tad frustrating - help!

[midori]

Wow, you sound like I was a couple of years ago. I was with my ex boyfriend in an on-again/off-again kind of way, patiently waiting until he could sort out his issues with commitment. While this was going on there was no other woman in the picture, although he'd had some intense relationships in the past.

 

I was sure in my gut that he loved me, that he would come around eventually to see, as I did, that we were great together.

 

Guess what? He didn't.

 

A couple of times I drew the line and said, "you're either in love with me or you're not; you either want to be with me long-term or you don't." The first time he begged me not to leave him, to give him time to figure things out. The second time (a year later, and after I'd spent a couple of months living with him) he acknowledged that he was no closer than before to knowing what he wanted, or what he was capable of giving to me long-term. There was more backing and forthing after we broke up. At one point he did a complete 180 and decided that he WAS sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At last!! But no, two months later he reversed his decision.

 

Needless to say, I've been through a lot of anguish because of this guy.

 

My point: I was making excuses for him because my excuses confirmed my own dearly held belief, that he and I were a good couple with a future. If I hadn't kept on believing in us, we wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as we did -- because he was always so ambivalent. And it sounds to me like that's what you're doing.

 

We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all go through periods of doubt. And we all need a bit of patience now and then from loved ones. But we also have obligations to them, and one of those obligations is to minimize the impact our own weaknesses have on our loved ones. He's indulging his doubts, at your expense. He's not ready to commit to you, but he's not willing to let go of you. And to top it off he's allowing this other girl and his feelings for her to contaminate his relationship with you.

 

Not cool. If he cared about you nearly as much as he cares about himself, he would step up to the decisions that are before him and make some choices: you or her (even if she won't have him, if he chooses to nurse his feelings for her, he has no business being with you). Future with you or future without you.

 

It's good to be grounded and confident in your love for him. It's wonderful in fact. But don't let your own certainty blind you to the fact that he is nowhere near where you are. Sure, things COULD be good between the two of you, when and IF he gets his act together. You seem to take it as a given that he will. Sadly, my experience has been that you cannot make that assumption.

 

Right now he sounds like a guy bent on sabotaging a "good" relationship in a way that absolves him of blame. He has doubts. Well, we all do! I have doubts about what I'm doing, where I'm going, whether or not I'll succeed. Should I not do my work because, when I really stop and think about it, I'm not entirely sure that the path I'm on is what I really want? If a doubt is strong enough, it merits examination and action: maybe I should not go through with buying that car after all, even though I really thought I wanted it. A decision must be made; I'm not going to go on wondering indefinitely, and if I did, the car would likely be sold to someone else before I ever made up my mind. I buy the car or I don't buy the car. That's how grown-ups deal with doubt: if it's strong and won't go away, we investigate and act according to our findings. If it's not so strong as to warrant examination, we ignore it.

 

I'd distance myself from him until he gets his act together. Which might not happen for a long time, if ever. He's keeping you in limbo, and even though you believe a happy outcome is inevitable, don't underestimate the power of his doubts.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by canuck

 

i guess i'm asking at what point will he really realise that things really are good and we really were meant to be together for the long haul? he keeps spending time with me (and worrying that he uses me for company, even though he's affectionate and loves to spend it with me). he is totally being silly... overly careful... he knows i'm wanting marriage along the line if we make things official. i'm kinda stuck trying to be patient... and i'm not sure if i am using the best approach for this.

 

it's a tad frustrating - help!

 

On May 17, 2004

 

Sorry, I'm at work and feeling rather sarcastic today. It's impossible for anyone to tell you what signs to look for or when he will come around. Every situation is different. I think what you need to do is determine if this man is worth waiting for. Do you love him enough to continue this relationship indefininately? He simply may not be ready for the commitment and it may be years, if ever, before he "comes around" to your way of thinking.

 

If you decide not to wait for him, he needs to know this now - not as a threat of losing you, but as a statement that he needs to take a long hard look at why he is not making a commitment. Maybe you two need to talk more about what commitment means to each of you and what your expectations are and what your hopes are. Certainly untimatims don't work.

 

I'm sorry it's so frustrating for you. My husband's father was engaged for over 14 years before he FINALLY married the woman. My husband got his commitment-fears from his father. I told him quite plainly that I would NOT be strung along for that length of time. We were together a little over 2 years before getting married -- I think that is a fair amount of time to ge to know each other and set goals and priorities. His father treats his step-mother bad (his dad is an abusive alcoholic) and she won't leave him. She says she doesn't love or trust him, but she's too scared to leave.

 

My brother and his wife were only married for the last 9 years, but they lived together as husband and wife for over 22 years until she died.

 

I'm not questioning you, and I don't want an answer, but have you asked yourself why marriage is so important to you? Does is hold the same meaning for your bf? They used to call it "the tie that binds" but some people don't like being bound.

[canuck]

i'm really grateful for your thoughtful replies. they've been really helpful.

 

i think he's scared to make that commitment and i really don't know how long it will take... and as you say, i can't wait forever.

 

he knows this and i think that's part of why he's being so careful. i've also had a lot of time to think about us - and he is worth waiting for.

 

i am not also suggesting marriage as a way to bind him - we both want a commitment of sorts. for us, it will be marriage, and both of us know that.

 

i suppose i should hang tough for a while to allow him to get comfortable again... that seems the only option. i haven't decided how long i will give this (at least six months).

 

i'll be going back to school, and i have other outlets, so i don't want to give the impression that i'll be sitting by the phone. speaking of which, he and i had had a talk about all of this last night, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to have the hanging out all of the time thing going on (which i agree with)... yet, i hear from him daily and i see him at least half of the week generally. i think that's part of why i see good eventually coming from this.

 

anyway, i'm babbling.

[Ally Boo]

I may just be repeating the previous posts, but this is what I think. He needs to know that the point of dating someone, is to see if they are a possible candidate for marriage, and if that is the direction you two are heading in, and he's not comfortable, he doesn't need to be around you.

 

You can't just keep your relationship in limbo. It will drive you nuts, before he'll ever get "sick of it." Basically, you're in a hard place. I understand if you are afraid of scaring him off.

 

To me, it sounds like he needs counseling. And if he can't decide if he's around you just for the company or what...that's a big sign right there that you guys probably don't even need to be around each other.