This should have gotten easier

[Doofus]

It is perhaps a sad statement on relationships that they turn grown men into whining adolescents (no offense). A year ago I broke up with a girlfriend of 3 years which started in graduate school. The main reason was my hurt feelings at her desire to pursue additional degrees without regard to goals of my own.

 

In that year I went on to date a couple of other people with neither one working out. I later learned that she did not date in this time. Primarily this was due to her internship which consumed most of her time.

 

About 3 months ago we saw each other again at a mutual friends birthday and began talking. A few weeks after that she suggested I come down and visit her. At this point she lives in LA and I live in the Bay Area.

 

Foolishly I did visit for a weekend and we ended up sleeping together. We spoke more frequently afterwards though still sporadically (2-3 times per week) after that. I visited a second time (stupidity) and again we slept together but the time was less chummy. She also mentioned she was going to try online dating. At this point I asked her if she was interested in rekindling the relationship and was rebuffed. I figured that was final and thanked her for the time. Then she called me the the next evening wishing me a great weekend. The conversations continued sporadically.

 

She visited me a week ago while also visiting some mutual friends. We didn't have sex although we slept in the same bed because she (her words) would have felt slutty. She told me the current guy she was dating wasn't likely to work out but she hadn't broken up yet. I kept my mouth shut. I would like a relationship with this woman but she doesn't seem interested in more at this time.

 

My ex is a good woman. She isn't a user (conciously) nor does she play games. Her behavior with the current guy smacks of a rebound and the need to have SOMEONE at least. The problem is, if it were just that simple, I would think she would want me. Anyway, I would appreciate peoples thoughts on this matter. Rest assured I already know how damn pathetic it must sound.

[paperchase]

Without knowing your X it's hard to comment. Was the initial breakup mutual? If the real reason you broke up was because you were threatened by her career pursuits, then that issue is still at the front of her mind. You might want to apologize for being insecure or insensitive. Somehow, I doubt that's the underlying cause.

 

The fact is she's interested in dating, but not dating you. She's likes to have sex like most adults, but at least right now not with you. The other thing to factor in is that it would be a long distance relationship and that might not satisfy either of your needs.

 

From the outside looking in it sounds like she likes you and is comfortable enough to sleep with you on ocassion, but isn't interested in anything serious. That could be because of your arguments, or it could be because you're more of a fallback option for her. Either way, I wouldn't waste my time chasing her. If you are not too emotionally invested, you can just keep it light and friendly and enjoy sex when it's offered. If you really want more, you should probably move on.

[Doofus]

Thank you for your thoughtful and rather astute observations. I agree with most of your assertions. I certainly wish there was something more to do but frankly that's probably wishful thinking. As being emotionally invested, I'm afraid that's the rub of it and moving on is probably the best idea. Any recommendations on a nice way to say that?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

It really seems to me she is career oriented right now and not really looking for a LTR. She sounds nice but it just seems that either your personalities are not in sync or your goals are not in sync, which is usually the same thing.

 

I've dated like this. It was always like they had something going on in their head or afraid of commitment. They spend much of their time trying to better their self. It might be a selfish thing too.

 

I probably talked in circles with all this. I usually just wrote these people off as ships passing and moved on.

[Doofus]

Thank you for posting as well. I think you are correct - she was indeed a nice person but the relationship came second. I suppose that isn't a bad thing for some but in a relationship it seem real fulfilling. I appreciate you sharing your own experience as I had cause to wonder if maybe I was being selfish by not always supporting everything she decided.