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NC right method?


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NC right method?

I broke up with my GF a about 5 weeks ago.. She was hurt, called me back around a week later applogizing for what she'd done and asking if we were getting back togeather, to which I responded "not right now". After serveral weeks with limited contact I called her and asked to get togeather as I had decided if she was willing to do some counseling with me and have some long talks to fix some of our problems, that I would give it another shot. She said she had "plans that night" but that we'd talk the next day. So instantly I'm thinking.. uh ohh, plans must be with another guy.

 

The next day I get an email saying she can't believe I wanted to talk, that she had taken my words literaly and that she had been trying to move on. She said she didn't know what she wanted but she needed more time to think about what she wanted before we talked.

 

I told her that's totally understandable.

 

So the weekend goes by and she sends me a text asking if we could get togeather and talk the next day.

 

The talk. We just BS for about 30 minutes and then she says well, what did you want to talk about? I told her that I had thought of some ways to work things out, but that judging by her email, it didn't sound like she knew what she wanted. She confirmed that she still didn't have any idea if she wanted to get back togeather or not, which I was a little peeved at since she had like 5 days to think after my telling her I wanted to talk. So I tell her that I think we can make it work for the long haul, that I'm willing to do consuling to fix it. There are times in the conversation where she is talking about us being back togeather, and times where she made comments like, I think for us to work, we need a fresh start, but a fresh start isn't possible. There was quite a bit of tension in the conversation as she's complain about something that hurt her, then I'd come back with something that hurt me.

 

After talking for an hour or so, she says she needs to go to bed cause she has to get up early for work. As we are leaving she says, "Well thanks for the talk, give me a hug, I still don't know what I want." I say, we'll your kind of telling me what you want by not saying what you want. We hug, and that that.

 

That was 2 weeks ago, I haven't contacted her, she hasn't contacted me.

 

So naturally now I'm thinking, well maybe I should have tried to hang out again after our talk, but my natural reaction is that if she doesn't know what she wants, and she knows I'm willing to work at it and that I think we can fix things for the long haul, then by trying to hang out with her I would only push her away.

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I'm no expert when it comes to my own matters of the heart, but I have been in a number of relationships and am an avid reader of this forum.

 

My take is that she was just testing the waters to see if you were still waiting on standby. The no contact is what reigned her in, but it didn't reign her in enough to want to reconcile. Once you expressed a willingness to meet, she was busy and needed to reschedule. Once you professed a willingness to work things out, she was undecided. She just wanted to see your cards and you revealed them all.

 

The final telling sign is that she ended the conversation. I never like this. I like to initiate the end. I woman can be dead tired and sit on the phone forever to discuss something they deem important. Essentially, she found out everthing she needed to know and so there was nothing more to discuss. That's why she hasn't called back.

 

I'd cut her off for good. You have no leverage and what little you had you lost. By the time you regain the upper hand through NC, both of you will have moved on or she'll just try to see your cards again before pulling the rug from under you.

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I agree totally with what you say.

 

So the fact that I was the one that ended the relationship has no effect on the situation? She saw my cards and is now moving on?

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The fact that you ended it doesn't matter because since ending it you have made overtures to reconcile and she has rebuffed you. The ball's in her court and she knows it.

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Thanks for the response. You just pointed out what I already knew in my head but that I am now second guessing now since she never called...

 

I should have tried to simply hang out with her, or talk to her, without talking about getting back together in retrospect.. Although, I think if it is over, than that is probably for the best, and I just need to deal with it.

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She called last night. I missed the call so she left a voicemail.

 

Said she didn't know why she was calling, that she had been thinking alot about me, and just wanted to hear my voice. Then she wished me a merry xmas? Never said to call her back.

 

Thoughts?

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It's much easier to give advice than to follow it. I'm struggling big time with NC. But from what I understand, if the call wasn't to discuss getting back together (assuming that's what you want), then there is no need to call her back. The fact is she didn't know why she was calling and the last thing you need right now is more confusion.

 

She was probably calling for selfish reasons, just to see what you were up to, determine if she still has your heart. Once you talk and show her your cards, given her confusion, she's probably go right back to being aloof. It happened to me and that's why I went NC in the first place.

 

A woman broke my heart and kept making nice, asking for sex one last time and going out on a date and telling me how much fun she had. But at the end of the day, she wasn't saying what I wanted to hear which was that she wanted to go back to being my girlfriend.

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Stay strong Bro. NC is hard as F***. But it always works out for the best in my opinon. I can't tell you how much better I feel between yesterday and today just knowing I didn't make contact, and she did..

 

Tough call on my part. She never said call her back, so I don't think that I should. I'm guessing she's just trying to check where I'm at.

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Paperchase,

 

So given everything stated above, and that I broke up with her initally.. Do you think I should respond to her nice, seemingly well wishing Merry Xmas text, or just stick to the path?

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