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I still want him, does he want me too?


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Hi there. I'm new here, and have seen that you give pretty good advice. Maybe you can help me out too?...

 

 

By nature, I am a very independant single woman. But two and a half months ago I got together with a mutual friend, and the whole relationship blew me away. It literally seemed like a meeting of minds and souls from out of nowhere. We were so happy, and everyone commented on how great we seemed to make the other feel. His friends adored me too. I was a little scared by the intimacy and intensity of being with this guy, but also excited and deliriously happy. We would spend every day together talking, being together. We get on so well, it is amazing. I knew his relationship history (he had broken up with a long term girlfriend in November), but I assumed that he was over with the break up, as he had pursued me.He was with me, and that was that. It didn't seem to me that things were happening too fast, neither to him. It all felt really natural.

 

 

 

We slept together on the night of my 21st birthday. We had been together for 3 weeks, but we both felt ready. It was really special for me, as I had grown to care about him. I am told by him that this has nothing to do with it, but the next day I noticed that he seemed a little distant.I pushed for him to tell me what it was, it was as if he was dismissing it as unimportant, like he would get over it. But I made him tell me. He then told me that he didn't think that he was ready to be with anyone, and that being so close to me had made him think that perhaps he was not totally over his ex-girlfriend. (Incidentally, she dumped him after two years and started going out with someone else who sheis still with, a month after she sloit with him). After he told me this, I was really upset and confused as he wasn't sure what he wanted. He did want me, but he wasn't sure he could be with anyone at all. I have this feeling that if you get along so great with someone, you should be with them. And it is a big deal for me to say this, as I was so militantly single!I was distraught, and for a while I couldn't believe that he wouldn't change his mind. If he was so unsure that he was doing the right thing, he obviously wasn't sure enough, right? But at the smame time I have too much respect for myself to be with someone half-hearted.A long and drawn out process of breaking up followed until we properly did about a week and a half later. We did it holding hands, crying together. Weird huh? We wanted to stay close, and because I get along with his friends it also made sense. So I accepted it reluctantly, but at the back of my mind I was sure that he would realise he had made a mistake. This was the general impression he gave friends, but that he also had to be alone.

 

 

 

It was a little weird for a while, and it did feel a bit awkward. I would be lying if I said that I didn't still want to be with him. His friends all think that he is crazy, but I listened to him for three hours after we broke up and when I thought that I could be inpartial, listening to his whole ex girlfriend thing. I can understand, but how much time is enough time? I still want him to want me, but it is made so much more complicated by the fact that he graduates from our University next month and I still have another year.I am not sure if he just sees me as the friend-only or what. I feel that my time is short and I want to let him know this. Can I get hm back? I find it so hard two months later to think that we will never be together. Because we were never really friends before we got together, there is a little bit of a limit to how far our friendship can progress....I mean, it does feel a little odd sometimes, but I know that on my part it is because I want something else. He doesn't know this. The question is, should I let him know? We didn't break up because we stopped liking each other, if anything the opposite. What should I do? I am going crazy thinking about this!

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All you can do is let him go and move on with your life. Don't wait for him to change his mind or get over his gf.

 

He is an individual soul, on his individual path with his own problems to deal with in his own time and at his own pace.

 

Just think of it as the path you both shared has seperated and split into two individul paths. You go along yours and let him go along his.

 

If one day your paths cross and join and you share them once again, so be it. Just don't wait for this to happen, because there are no guarantees that it will.

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This sounds like a messed up, confused guy. Maybe he doesn't mean to take advantage of you, take you for granted, etc., but that is what he's doing.

 

His unhappiness about his ex girlfriend is not a valid excuse to dump on you, to complicate your life and make you suffer too. Melodramatic, don't you think? Everyone makes mistakes, but if he bit off more than he could chew in getting involved with you, he should have admitted it up front (rather than making you guess and drag it out of him), taken full responsibility for the situation, and not put any of his emotional turmoil on you. In other words, the crying, week-long break up was really unfair and selfish of him. All he was seeing was his pain. He says, I'm sure, how wonderful you are, how much it hurts him to have to pull away, blah blah blah. That just gets him off the hook, so that you can't berate him for jerking you around. But remember: you did not hurt him. He hurt you. His hurt from his ex girlfriend doesn't factor into his relationship with you. That's between them. Especially if he's not prepared to take you into his life in a meaningful way. He just wants you to hang out on the periphery, adoring and supportive (and available should he change his mind), while he stars in his own little show of angst.

 

I think that rather than tell him anything about your lingering feelings, you should just get away from this guy altogether. No matter what he says, he has failed miserably to appreciate how wonderful you are. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions say, "it's all about me and my pain." Very immature. Not at all unusual but very immature. He meets someone he gets along great with, who he enjoys being with -- but he just can't bring himself to move on from his pain? Give me a break. Don't remain in his orbit. He may have been wronged by his ex but that doesn't mean he gets to turn around and use you. Unless you let him ... but don't expect to get happiness out of the situation if you do.

 

Sorry, but it doesn't look good at all. I'd cut my losses and move on if I were you.

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Hi. This guy sounds like a jerk. I know how close you felt together, but believe me he is confused and was using that closeness and intimacy to mask the pain he was feeling at the time.

 

I don't think you should have any contact with him AT ALL. That way your break up pain will heal much faster. To be "friends" is selfish for him and painful for you.

 

Also, if he has NO contact with you, he may appreciate what he has lost. Like you said you don't want someone who is just there half-heartedly.

 

I'm really sorry about your pain. I have gone through one horrible breakup, which many people on this board helped me through, and also Midori has also gone through a breakup with someone who jerked here around. So, we have LEARNED , and I hope you can learn from your experiences.

 

The pain of breakup can only be healed with time. You need to surround yourself with good friends and stay busy. When you bump into his friends, act happy, tell them you've moved on, etc. The word will get to him. Dont' be analyzing your pain and etc. with his buddies. All of this will promptly be reported back to him, and give him more satisfaction.

 

good luck. Keep us posted.

 

This sounds like a messed up, confused guy. Maybe he doesn't mean to take advantage of you, take you for granted, etc., but that is what he's doing. His unhappiness about his ex girlfriend is not a valid excuse to dump on you, to complicate your life and make you suffer too. Melodramatic, don't you think? Everyone makes mistakes, but if he bit off more than he could chew in getting involved with you, he should have admitted it up front (rather than making you guess and drag it out of him), taken full responsibility for the situation, and not put any of his emotional turmoil on you. In other words, the crying, week-long break up was really unfair and selfish of him. All he was seeing was his pain. He says, I'm sure, how wonderful you are, how much it hurts him to have to pull away, blah blah blah. That just gets him off the hook, so that you can't berate him for jerking you around. But remember: you did not hurt him. He hurt you. His hurt from his ex girlfriend doesn't factor into his relationship with you. That's between them. Especially if he's not prepared to take you into his life in a meaningful way. He just wants you to hang out on the periphery, adoring and supportive (and available should he change his mind), while he stars in his own little show of angst. I think that rather than tell him anything about your lingering feelings, you should just get away from this guy altogether. No matter what he says, he has failed miserably to appreciate how wonderful you are. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions say, "it's all about me and my pain." Very immature. Not at all unusual but very immature. He meets someone he gets along great with, who he enjoys being with -- but he just can't bring himself to move on from his pain? Give me a break. Don't remain in his orbit. He may have been wronged by his ex but that doesn't mean he gets to turn around and use you. Unless you let him ... but don't expect to get happiness out of the situation if you do.

 

Sorry, but it doesn't look good at all. I'd cut my losses and move on if I were you.

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Chalk this up to a learning experience (comments below) and move on. If he decides he wants to be with you, he will come back, but don't sit around waiting for it and don't contact him.

We would spend every day together talking, being together.

Too much time together right off the bat. Most guys can't handle this level of "being together." At times they need to be alone, do their own thing, pull back. Next time keep it to 1-2 times a week. Guys do not bond when they are with you, but when they are away from you. You absolutely have to give them appropriate time to miss you to realize what they have.

We get on so well, it is amazing.

There are likely loads of guys out there who you will get along with just as well.

...I assumed that he was over with the break up, as he had pursued me.

Never assume anything when it comes to relationships or when other people are involved.

It didn't seem to me that things were happening too fast, neither to him. It all felt really natural.

Did he say this? Did he say it out of the blue, or after you brought it up. (Big difference.) As stated above, never assume that you know how another person is feeling. Many people out there are fabulous actors.

We slept together on the night of my 21st birthday. We had been together for 3 weeks, but we both felt ready.

Too soon! Of course he felt ready--most guys are ready within 10 seconds of meeting a girl! Next time wait at least 3-4 months, minimum.

the next day I noticed that he seemed a little distant.

He needed space. He needed to think about things. Men need autonomy. After an intensely close and intimate time with you, he needed to pull back and think about things. This is perfectly normal.

I pushed for him to tell me what it was, it was as if he was dismissing it as unimportant, like he would get over it.

Blech. Don't do this next time. If he acts distant, let him be distant. The best thing you can do is not freak out about it. He'll come running back when he's ready, and when he sees that you can handle his "alone" time.

But I made him tell me.

Double blech. You should have just let it go.

He then told me that he didn't think that he was ready to be with anyone, and that being so close to me had made him think that perhaps he was not totally over his ex-girlfriend.

Now, let's think about this another way. If when he had started acting distant, you had simply pulled back yourself and got busy with your friends, this very well might have gone the other way. He would have had time to miss and think about you. Instead you pushed and pushed and basically confirmed his feelings that he was not ready for a girlfriend yet. Guys don't like BS. The best way to keep them around is to not give them any.

After he told me this, I was really upset and confused as he wasn't sure what he wanted. He did want me, but he wasn't sure he could be with anyone at all.

Blah, blah, blah. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. I don't care how confused or whatever he was. It's possible that he picked up on the fact that you have very strong feelings for him and it freaked him out.

I have this feeling that if you get along so great with someone, you should be with them.

If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to you.

A long and drawn out process of breaking up followed until we properly did about a week and a half later.

Yuck. Was it long and drawn out because you didn't want to let go, or was he an equal party? That's much too long. Next time say goodbye and leave it at that. Either way it's painful, but by dragging it out like this you are only prolonging the pain.

We did it holding hands, crying together. Weird huh?

I've heard of much weirder things.

I listened to him for three hours after we broke up and when I thought that I could be inpartial, listening to his whole ex girlfriend thing.

Why did you do this? He dumped you. Don't forget that. You should be much to busy to spend time sitting around with him while he cries and has a pity party. Don't do this again!

I feel that my time is short and I want to let him know this.

If he loves and cares about you, a little distance will not stop him. Do not force this. Do not contact him. The best thing you can do is to gently drift away. Let him wonder what happened to you.

Because we were never really friends before we got together, there is a little bit of a limit to how far our friendship can progress....I mean, it does feel a little odd sometimes, but I know that on my part it is because I want something else.

You can't be friends with him while you still have feelings for him. Forget about it. It will only get ugly.

The question is, should I let him know?

No, no, no. Get busy dating other guys. Spend time with your friends. Study. Do anything to keep your mind off this and move on.

We didn't break up because we stopped liking each other, if anything the opposite.

Don't fool yourself too much. I don't know the whole story, etc., but one thing I've learned is that if a guy really likes you, absolutely nothing will stand in his way. He dumped you. He might have made up a "sweet" excuse for doing so, but he still broke up with you. Don't cut him any slack! And furthermore, does he still contact you at all? It doesn't sound like it from your post. Even if he wasn't ready for a relationship, he could still be friends with you. Is he making an effort to do so?

I am going crazy thinking about this!

Don't go crazy. As I said above, just get busy so you aren't able to think about it as much. And dont contact him. Just move on.

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Midori, You're post made me smile! Thankyou for such a thoughtful response. How right you are about his melodrama. He does have a tendancy to mope and wallow. I'm a doer, he's a 'hmmm-er'. I did feel at the moment of the break up, "what a ##### for pursuing me, making me have feelings for him, and then realising that he wasn't ready." I didn't say this in my first post, but I actually rebuffed him a couple of times before we got together, bc I wanted to make sure that I wanted to be with him. I don't get involved with guys unless I really like them, and can be as sure as possible that I won't get hurt (oh the irony). Bc os my cautious nature, this upset me all the more as I felt that I had set myself up for this. I did feel used and foolish, which I especially don;t deal well with.

 

 

 

I am not making excuses for him , rather filling in the blanks for what you don't know abot the situation...But he did acknowledge that he dealt with it all badly. It seems that he didn't think that his little irks would be a big deal, and he thought that they would pass. However, I do think that you are right about this-

In other words, the crying, week-long

break up was really unfair and selfish of him.

All he was seeing was his pain.

 

 

 

And boy, did I start to see it too. I began to feel rather like a counsellor at one point, listening to him and being supportive. But I as doing it bc that is what friends are for. The question is, whould it happen the other way around too? I'm not sure, but I needed to know things about him and her to help me concentrate on this not being about me, or even my problem anymore. It actually made me grateful that I was out of such a screwed up sitution!

He says, I'm sure,

how wonderful you are, how much it hurts him to

have to pull away, blah blah blah.

 

 

 

Spot on. I believe him thou (hell I am great! ;) ), but this is not really what i need to hear as it just makes me think we still have a chance.

I think that rather than tell him anything

about your lingering feelings, you should just

get away from this guy altogether. No matter what

he says, he has failed miserably to appreciate

how wonderful you are. Actions speak louder than

words, and his actions say, "it's all about

me and my pain." Very immature.

 

 

 

Yeah. About 'being friends'... He is also a bit lazy with contacting people, whereas I like to be a little more pro-active. I understand from the way he is with others that this is just his (pathetic and rather silly) way...I confronted him about this last week. I got really pissed off with him, and walked off all, " Well if you aren't that bothered about calling/Sms-ing me, you obviously don;t care that much either way." My feeling was that if I stopped being the one to make the effort, if would just be a case of seeing each other when I hang out with his friends (which I do a lot). I was a little rash, as I didn;t give him a chance to explain the way things are from his perspecitive. But I had to say my piece. He called to apologise yesterday, but things are still the same. When we broke up, like you correctly assumed he made all of this fuss about how he still wanted to be close to me and yadda yadda. It hurt me to see that this was not being shown.

 

 

 

I have integrity, and I won;t allow myself to be used. If being used means letting him know that he can have me, then that isn't happening at all! If anything, I pretend and make it sound to people that I am so over him, and my anger is just bc i think that our friendship is a sham ( i think it is). I also think that bc he graduates soon he is scared to get closer to me.

-- but he just can't bring himself to move on

from his pain? Give me a break.

 

 

 

You're great! ;o) This is exactly how I feel. How pathetic right? It is almost like he doesn;t want to help himself to deal with it. But like someone else said in reply to my message (sorry, i forget who but thanks!) I guess these are his issues that he has to sort out himself for good or bad.

Don't remain in

his orbit. He may have been wronged by his ex

but that doesn't mean he gets to turn around and

use you. Unless you let him ... but don't expect

to get happiness out of the situation if you do.

 

 

 

This is where it starts to get tricky, Midori. I am great friends with his housemates. I hang with them a lot both around the city as well as (sometimes) at their house, To start with I was like, "Oh, i hope I don;t make him feel awkward..." But now it is his problem. Why should I stop hanging around people who I like just because it might make him face up to what he has lost?

 

 

Although he called me yesterday to apologise and assure me that he still wants to be friends with me, I feel that friendship is not something that is forced. It comes naturally, and for me at least it certainly comes showing it. There might not be any animosity *in the air* anymore, but I still feel dissatisfied. It still hurts. :o(

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Sounds like you caught him on the rebound.

 

People who have recently ended a relationship (the longer the relationship the higher the risk) are subject to be rather confused about dating and being single again. They go through phases, experiencing a lot of different emotions. All of this depends on how long the previous relationship lasted, what kind of relationship it was and how it ended.

 

The whirlwind romance you got into with him is very exciting, but often turns out to be a flash in the pan. It just doesn't last long. This is true whether someone is fresh off a break up or not. Try not to let things progress at such a fast pace in the future, no matter how exciting it is. The long term benefit of pacing the stages of a new romance far out-weighs the short lived high you get from taking things too fast.

 

There's a good chance that there will be nothing more to your relationship with this man. You have fulfilled a very specific need in his life at this time and he provided you with something of value too. You now have the option to go away from this with experience and knowledge that will serve you well in the future.

 

There is no need to feel bad about this or put yourself or him down. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. You will have many more chances to make better and wiser choices for yourself.

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Thanks for your responses. It really is a big help to share my thoughts with others to stop me from speaking to him/his friends about it instead.

 

 

 

I wrote a seperate post re: Rachel's message, but I managed to delete it somehow, so I will do a quick recap. Rachel, thanks so much. :o) You are right that I need to stop talking to his friends about this all. It is difficult as we get one well, and I am a bit of a confidante to them too. I'm pretty sure that they respect my confidence as I do theirs. Plus, they don't really 'talk.' Only if someone asks. But I will do my best to stop mentioning it altogether from now on.

Too much time together right off the bat.

Most guys can't handle this level of "being

together." At times they need to be alone,

do their own thing, pull back. Next time keep

it to 1-2 times a week. Guys do not bond when

they are with you, but when they are away from

you. You absolutely have to give them appropriate

time to miss you to realize what they have.

 

 

 

Perhaps I didn;t explain this clearly. It was all him who was initiating everything. when I went to go home, he would ask me to stay, say that he wanted to see me more, ask to stay at my place, tell me to stay over whenever. I thought i would just go with the flow until I felt uncomofortable. I did feel a little in demand, but I thought that was just me adjusting to not being single ( I was single for over a year before). It seemed odd that he was the one calibrating the intensity of the relationship ( or at least suggesting it first), and then seemed unhappy with what he had done...

Too soon! Of course he felt ready--most guys

are ready within 10 seconds of meeting a girl!

Next time wait at least 3-4 months, minimum.

 

 

 

I don;t regret that. I don't like to set rules about this, because it is different every time. I felt comfortable.

Blech. Don't do this next time. If he acts

distant, let him be distant. The best thing you

can do is not freak out about it. He'll come running

back when he's ready, and when he sees that you

can handle his "alone" time.

Double blech. You should have just let it

go.

Now, let's think about this another way.

If when he had started acting distant, you had

simply pulled back yourself and got busy with

your friends, this very well might have gone the

other way. He would have had time to miss and

think about you. Instead you pushed and pushed

and basically confirmed his feelings that he was

not ready for a girlfriend yet. Guys don't like

BS. The best way to keep them around is to not

give them any.

 

 

 

Wait- he said that he needed to talk to me later when we were in a club. But when I am told something like this, and when I already sense I shift in atmosphere I need to know right away. I don;t think that my wanting to be told sooner rather than later changed his reposnse at all. I did get busy and get on with stuff. He called me and whined and sounded sad, and said that he wanted to sort things out, but "needed time." I said that I didn't have time to give like that, and even then after his time if he couldn't assure me that he could give himself, then I didn't want a part.

Blah, blah, blah. If he wanted to be with

you, he would be. I don't care how confused or

whatever he was. It's possible that he picked

up on the fact that you have very strong feelings

for him and it freaked him out.

 

 

 

Perhaps. But there was nothing that I did or said that wasn't either said first to me or reciprocated with sincerity. I know he was freaked out, but that was more bc of his feelings than mine. We talked about this.

If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back

to you.

 

 

 

maybe. But will I want him?! ;o)

Yuck. Was it long and drawn out because you

didn't want to let go, or was he an equal party?

That's much too long. Next time say goodbye and

leave it at that. Either way it's painful, but

by dragging it out like this you are only prolonging

the pain.

 

 

 

It was equal. I know for next time.

Why did you do this? He dumped you. Don't

forget that. You should be much to busy to spend

time sitting around with him while he cries and

has a pity party. Don't do this again!

 

 

 

I know i know...I wanted him to think "Wow what an amazing empathetic and supportive woman. I can't live without her."...I also needed to understand why he reacted the way he did to his emotions with me.

If he loves and cares about you, a little

distance will not stop him. Do not force this.

Do not contact him. The best thing you can do

is to gently drift away. Let him wonder what happened

to you.

 

 

 

I'll do my best, but his friends are my friends and there is no way that I will stop talking to them bc of him. He can hear from them if he has to. But bump into each other a lot, and go to the same places but as long as I am there with other friends, then that is fine. I'll just sashay past, say hi and go.

You can't be friends with him while you still

have feelings for him. Forget about it. It will

only get ugly.

 

 

 

I'm seeing that already....

Don't fool yourself too much. I don't know

the whole story, etc., but one thing I've learned

is that if a guy really likes you, absolutely

nothing will stand in his way. He dumped you.

He might have made up a "sweet" excuse

for doing so, but he still broke up with you.

Don't cut him any slack! And furthermore, does

he still contact you at all? It doesn't sound

like it from your post. Even if he wasn't ready

for a relationship, he could still be friends

with you. Is he making an effort to do so?

 

 

 

See the post to Midori. It explains it all!

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Good for you! When I suggested that you stay away from him, I just meant the one-on-one interaction, especially initiated by you. Of course you should still hang out with his/your friends ... preferably when he's not around but not to the point where you're contorting your schedule and ducking around corners when you see him coming. Just don't go out of your way for him -- he wouldn't for you -- and don't put too much weight on anything he says at any given time. And be careful that you're not just hanging out with his friends in order to rub in his face that he lost out with you. A little bit of that is fine but if that's your primary motivation in hanging out with those people then I suggest you stop because you're way too vulnerable to his influence.

 

As you've observed, if you don't put effort into maintaining the relationship, he won't either. Which is in no way a reflection of his estimation of you or how great you are. It's a function of his cowardice. I've found that when some people muck up a relationship, they retreat so that they're not taking responsibility for further interaction. If you initiate, they will respond (usually) because they can tell themselves, "well, if she's calling me/emailing me it's because she wants to talk to me. She knows the deal with me, so it's all right for me to _____ [fill in the blank: be self-centered/flake out on plans/send mixed signals/ come on to you drunk late one night and then disavow the entire thing the next day/eat up hours of your time going on about plans he'll never follow through with/etc.]. Don't give him that opportunity to affect you.

 

See your friends. Be pleasant when you see him, but don't ever try to initiate get-togethers with him, and avoid accepting any invitations from him. Don't make it obvious, just passively avoid him. Take the disinterested guy route: say, "Yeah, I'll call you soon" even though you don't intend to, ask him how things are going and then tune out when he launches into a recitation of his woes and joys. Be vague, be nice, be emotionally unavailable to him. You're not his friend. Or rather, he's not your friend. What has he ever done for you?

This is where it starts to get tricky, Midori. I am great friends with his housemates. I hang with them a lot both around the city as well as (sometimes) at their house, To start with I was like, "Oh, i hope I don;t make him feel awkward..." But now it is his problem. Why should I stop hanging around people who I like just because it might make him face up to what he has lost? Although he called me yesterday to apologise and assure me that he still wants to be friends with me, I feel that friendship is not something that is forced. It comes naturally, and for me at least it certainly comes showing it. There might not be any animosity *in the air* anymore, but I still feel dissatisfied. It still hurts. :o(
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  • 2 weeks later...
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Hey everyone, nice new look!

 

 

I have decided that men are crazy and I will never understand them! I took all of your advice, and stopped Smsing my ex, and I didn't actually phone or speak to him for over a week. I've been busy and happy, doing my own thing and realising how relived I felt when I wasn't thinking about him and how we interact. I even put up a big note near my desk reminding me "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CALLING HIM!"

 

What happens? He contacts me! OUt of the blue, he sends me a SMS message (this after a week before we discussed how he doesn't send messages unless it is to say something important or organise soemthing) asking me how my rally went (I went to London for an Israel Solidarity rally- he remembered) and telling me what he was doing that day! I don't get it! When you pay no interest, they seem to want to know what you are doing.

 

I didn't reply immediately for a couple of reasons. I was in a class when I got the message, and then I was going straight to meet some friends to view a house (moving soon! *Groan*...).

 

After we went to view the house, my friends and I went went for a drink to talk housey stuff. And who would happen to be in the very same pub, but ex with his father and brother!

 

I noticed him looking over at me when I was talking with my friends. I said hello and thanked him politely for his message. He asked again how the rally went, and how my weekend was. It seems that one of his friends had already passed some information onto him about what I had been doing, as he said "Steve told me about that" quoting the exact phrase I had said to his friend. All this is a bit by the way, as I really don't want him anymore! It is possible that he just wants to try to be my friend, but either way I am pretty lukewarm. Not that bothered if the truth be known...

 

I have realised (thanks to your words helping me to focus on what I need to remember, ie. that he hurt me and doesn't deserve me) how much happier and relaxed I am not wasting energies thinking about a guy who was nice while it lasted but is not worth all of the heartache.

 

Will keep you posted on any new weird messages. The last one was at 4am this morning....

 

Incidentally, I seen to have attracted a legion of male admirers. Is this due to my healthier romantic disposition? I have been receiving SMS all over the place from guy 'friends' making suggestive comments(!). I actually hooked up with one a couple weeks ago (just kissing- like being 17 again), and took Clia's advice and didn't phone him or anything. And he came to see me!

 

Crazy, the lot of them! nat xx

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YOU WRITE: "I have decided that men are crazy and I will never understand them!"

 

Why did it take you so long to figure that out???

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Great post!

 

True, you will never understand everything about men, but you are starting to understand how to get the results you want, which is VERY important!

 

I love the note you put up near your desk--that is great!

 

It's so true that when you pay no interest they want to know what happened to you! (I mean, check out all the posts on this board from guys who are chasing, chasing, chasing and getting no response and trying to figure out what they should do next.) Like I said, guys miss you and realize how they feel when you aren't around, not when you are there.

 

I think it's great that you didn't reply to his message immediately! After all, you have moved on and are busy!

 

That's so funny he was at the same pub--seems like it always works that way. When you want to see someone, you never do, when you don't, there they are!

 

And he messaged you again at 4 a.m.? See...? Don't respond right away...let him wonder. :)

 

As for your new legion of male admirers...I think both men and women are attracted to people who are happy and busy! You're probably putting that out since you stopped thinking so much about your ex! Keep at it!

 

Good for you not calling the guy you hooked up with! As you've seen, it really works. Guys pursue when they are really interested. You don't have to do anything but be receptive to it. (Took me years to figure this out...wish I would've realized it when I was 21!)

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Bravo! The thing I've always found it hard to balance is keeping my distance but remaining friendly. That's the thing that eats a guy up, especially one who once had your undivided attention. If you were obviously angry, or cold, etc. with him, he wouldn't wonder why you're not initiating communication. He'd know why, and he'd be all too happy to keep away himself to avoid your anger. But by keeping it friendly and warm when you happen to see him, you've got him stumped: "she's not upset with me, just not interested. She used to be interested. I wonder what has changed?" Too much to hope that he'll realize it was his bad behavior that turned you off, but at least you've turned the tables on him!

 

Way to go with the new guy(s)! Keep on that path away from the ex, no matter what transformation he seems to undergo. From the sound of it that one has years and years of growing and learning to do before he'll be good for anyone.

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