closure

[Robbie]

A guy and girl are in what appears a relatively healthy and intimate relationship for 3 years or so. Talk of marriage eventuates (with no clear problems either way) and several months after the girl breaks it off. Both are in the late 20's and never been in such a serious relationship before. The guy thinks the girl may not have totally opened up her feelings during the relationship but trusted she loved him when she said so. Both the guy and girl are very genuine nice people in their own rights. Sometime after the breakup the girl is confronted by the guy via letter (as he was never given a reason for the breakup), because he wanted complete closure in the matter so to get on with his life, and she writes back Exactly as follows-

 

I want you to know that this is not the first time I have thought about you. I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you, hope you are alright and feel such guilt and sorrow that I have caused you such pain.

 

I too have the greatest of respect for you and always will. That is why I will try and explain what happened and I hope that you will try and understand. I know that you probably do hate me and probably have no respect for me and for that I am truly sorry.

 

I was concerned that you believe I didn't think you were my "ego ideal". That had nothing to do with it. If I have to consider it on those terms I can honestly say you were my ego ideal.

 

I want you to know that you are a very special person. You are kind, good hearted, good natured, intelligent, loving and understanding. You have no idea how much I wanted to think that we could be together because I know with you I would have had a calm and happy life.

 

I have really tried to work through my emotions and work through why I ended our relationship. The reason was, I believe, that I loved you more as a friend than as a lover. I was filled with fear at the thought that we would marry but I was also filled with fear at the thought of breaking up. The fear of marrying was not because I didn't respect you or care for you, but because I didn't trust myself. I was restless. I was anxious and I couldn't talk to you about my fears because I didn't want to hurt you. There was a time in about May that year when I thought I would stop seeing you then. I think we had started talking about marriage at that time and I couldn't cope. But then the topic was shelved for a while and we continued on happily. The one thing I have learned is that sometimes you can't articulate what you feel but there is a nagging feeling or a gut feeling that doesn't go away. In fact it gets stronger with time.

 

I hope you didn't mean it when you said our relationship was a charade. I never ever viewed it as that. I viewed it as a very special friendship and a very special time in our lives. You showed me so much and taught me so much. It was happy; it was good. For me too, it was the first time and I know I didn't handle the split well but I couldn't cope with anymore pain. That was weak. I know.

 

I wish it were different. Sometimes I wish you met me at another stage in my life, perhaps I might have been different. Our relationship was the first serious relationship for me and I wonder if I met you at another time whether things would have turned out differently.

 

I do care about you. I know this because I know how I have felt over the last year. You probably don't believe this but part of me altered when we split. I have felt my heart break too.

 

Although I haven't seen you often, I still regard you as a friend and as one of the few special people in this world that represents honesty, integrity and good.

 

I hope that when you are away you find the person who can love you completely - love you the way you deserve to be loved. I am sorry I failed you.

 

Please take care and please know I value you and the relationship we had.

 

OK then, you've probably guessed the guy is me, LOL!!!

 

Despite what anyone says, I'm happy I wrote to her, because it finally allowed me to say what I've always wanted to say for along time. It CLEARS the air, and will ALLOW me to get on with my life. I've said what I wanted to say for a very long time, and now she knows what I've wanted to say.

 

CRAZY thing is she is engaged to be married later this year (and I did wish her the best in the matter), and she fails to make any mention of him or her possible happiness. damn, if I were engaged, I would be happy as Larry and totally told her so, and told her its time to get on with your own life (or something like that in a polite way).

 

Personally, I think shes a confused girl who doesn't really know what she wants (her engagment was annouced around the time her sister was married, which would have left her as a lonely child with her parents), and maybe its for the best we never were engaged/married.

 

Well, I'm off to see Nicole in 8 weeks and so much looking forward to the trip.

 

ciao.

[BeenThere]

Robbie,

 

You are absolutely, one hundred percent, undeniably correct!

 

This lady, sadly, isn't the right one for you. Fortuneately, you were spared the misery of finding this out later rather than now. Perhaps the three years you spent with this lady has taught you something about yourself and about relationships in general. If we can gather anything positive from painful experiences, it would be the lesson hidden within. And that's hard to do sometimes.

 

You deserve so much more, and even she knew that. And while I am so happy for you and your ability to move on to bigger and better things, I also feel kind of sorry for her.

 

Obviously, she has lost far more than you.

 

I can only hope, as her wedding day draws nearer, that she doesn't get cold feet again and come back to you for support. I would hate to see her stand in the way of your happiness again.

 

Good luck with Nichole! And remember, never settle for less than you deserve...

 

A guy and girl are in what appears a relatively healthy and intimate relationship for 3 years or so. Talk of marriage eventuates (with no clear problems either way) and several months after the girl breaks it off. Both are in the late 20's and never been in such a serious relationship before. The guy thinks the girl may not have totally opened up her feelings during the relationship but trusted she loved him when she said so. Both the guy and girl are very genuine nice people in their own rights. Sometime after the breakup the girl is confronted by the guy via letter (as he was never given a reason for the breakup), because he wanted complete closure in the matter so to get on with his life, and she writes back Exactly as follows- I want you to know that this is not the first time I have thought about you. I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you, hope you are alright and feel such guilt and sorrow that I have caused you such pain. I too have the greatest of respect for you and always will. That is why I will try and explain what happened and I hope that you will try and understand. I know that you probably do hate me and probably have no respect for me and for that I am truly sorry. I was concerned that you believe I didn't think you were my "ego ideal". That had nothing to do with it. If I have to consider it on those terms I can honestly say you were my ego ideal. I want you to know that you are a very special person. You are kind, good hearted, good natured, intelligent, loving and understanding. You have no idea how much I wanted to think that we could be together because I know with you I would have had a calm and happy life. I have really tried to work through my emotions and work through why I ended our relationship. The reason was, I believe, that I loved you more as a friend than as a lover. I was filled with fear at the thought that we would marry but I was also filled with fear at the thought of breaking up. The fear of marrying was not because I didn't respect you or care for you, but because I didn't trust myself. I was restless. I was anxious and I couldn't talk to you about my fears because I didn't want to hurt you. There was a time in about May that year when I thought I would stop seeing you then. I think we had started talking about marriage at that time and I couldn't cope. But then the topic was shelved for a while and we continued on happily. The one thing I have learned is that sometimes you can't articulate what you feel but there is a nagging feeling or a gut feeling that doesn't go away. In fact it gets stronger with time. I hope you didn't mean it when you said our relationship was a charade. I never ever viewed it as that. I viewed it as a very special friendship and a very special time in our lives. You showed me so much and taught me so much. It was happy; it was good. For me too, it was the first time and I know I didn't handle the split well but I couldn't cope with anymore pain. That was weak. I know. I wish it were different. Sometimes I wish you met me at another stage in my life, perhaps I might have been different. Our relationship was the first serious relationship for me and I wonder if I met you at another time whether things would have turned out differently. I do care about you. I know this because I know how I have felt over the last year. You probably don't believe this but part of me altered when we split. I have felt my heart break too.

 

Although I haven't seen you often, I still regard you as a friend and as one of the few special people in this world that represents honesty, integrity and good. I hope that when you are away you find the person who can love you completely - love you the way you deserve to be loved. I am sorry I failed you. Please take care and please know I value you and the relationship we had. OK then, you've probably guessed the guy is me, LOL!!! Despite what anyone says, I'm happy I wrote to her, because it finally allowed me to say what I've always wanted to say for along time. It CLEARS the air, and will ALLOW me to get on with my life. I've said what I wanted to say for a very long time, and now she knows what I've wanted to say.

 

CRAZY thing is she is engaged to be married later this year (and I did wish her the best in the matter), and she fails to make any mention of him or her possible happiness. damn, if I were engaged, I would be happy as Larry and totally told her so, and told her its time to get on with your own life (or something like that in a polite way). Personally, I think shes a confused girl who doesn't really know what she wants (her engagment was annouced around the time her sister was married, which would have left her as a lonely child with her parents), and maybe its for the best we never were engaged/married. Well, I'm off to see Nicole in 8 weeks and so much looking forward to the trip. ciao.

[robbie]

Nicole is a special girl, but I don't think she knows it (yet anyway, lol).

[ok]

I have this impression of the both of you not really being in mature, intimate relationship. not a slam, but one or both of you were holding out.

 

Clearly, at least she was.

 

In her favor, I do not think she was cheating on you. But she was not in love with you.

 

Not in her favor, what is it with women always wanting to remain "friends" after dumping and running?

 

Clean break is best.

 

Whomever Nicole is, best of luck.