Anyone here's marriage survive infidelity?

[Karma101]

My own marriage ended after 8 yrs when my husband cheated on me, but we had so many problems leading up to that point, it actually came as a blessing and final push for me to leave. We have no children.

 

For those of you who have lived through this, were you able to forgive your spouse and reconcile. What about if it was a long term affair/relationship that continued for over a year after separating from your spouse? I am familiar with Dr. Harley, emotional needs, plan A/B, etc. But what about if you don't take such a structured approach? Is it harder for a man to forgive? Has anyone tried to go back only to realize that it was not possible for them and leave again? Did kids greatly influence your decision in this matter? For those of you who have successfully put your marriage back together, how long did it take?

 

Just looking for some insight and shared experiences.

[CaliGuy]

I don't personally but would recommend a book by Dr. James Dobson called "Love Must Be Tough." Lots of good marriage advice in there about how to survive infidelity and when to let go and move on.

[porter218]

Well my M has survived. My H was cheating off and on for a couple years. I initially kicked him out and filed for divorce. But when it was almost time for the D to be final he had changed enough to give him one last chance. It hasn't been easy but so far things have been going well. What made it possible to reconcile was the long separation. By the time I had found out about the last A, I was ready for him to be gone anyway. He had been awful leading up to the 'end'. My Hs last A was with someone he actually claimed to have love for so it was the most difficult one to get over. But he cut all contact with her for a long period of time before I let him come back. Yes we have kids but that had not one thing to do with my decision to let him back. I was actually very happy without him during the separation. In the end of the time apart I had come to the conclusion that I still was deeply in love with him and that combined with his life changes I decided to try it one last time. We have been back together since last Christmas and he is a much better man, and he is getting better every day. I still feel pain from his indiscretions but I have been able to convince myself that this is a 'new' man and this is a 'new' marriage. The one biggest lasting bit of damage is my fuse has become non existent. I have no tolerance for any discord between the 2 of us and it is almost too easy for me to leave him. I have very little trust in him but it is more then it was 9 months ago.

[Karma101]

What about regaining physical intimacy w/ your spouse after an affair? I would imagine that his is even harder for the man who's wife strayed? That "1st time" together again... Weird?

[Shygirl15]

Well, mine did survive during the period when infidelity happened, but we went our separate ways couple of years later. I guess I didn't fully forgive him. In my case, intimacy after that, was not like before.

[porter218]

What about regaining physical intimacy w/ your spouse after an affair? I would imagine that his is even harder for the man who's wife strayed? That "1st time" together again... Weird?

Yes that was weird! Especially after the first A (after this one we stayed together with no separation)that I ever knew he had. I had to go from sleeping with a man I thought had been with nobody but me since the day we met to sleeping with a man that F***s around:sick:. That was awful. In retrospect I should have just kicked him out then rather then subject myself to that. I had so many images going through my head of him having sex with other women...I couldn't even stay in the mood...it usually ended in tears instead of orgasms.

 

However when I spent 9 months away from him and then going back to him wasn't as bad. I still get a little upset about what he did, but leaving him and truly not giving a f*** about who he was sleeping with during the separation was liberating. I know that when we were separated he slept with many women, especially at first. But because it me my choice for him to leave, it just didn't hurt as much. And taking him back wasn't much different then starting a new relationship with someone else. Usually when you enter into a new relationship you know that person has been with people before they got with you, well that is how it felt.

[2sure]

I have stayed with my H after finding out about his infidelities. Each person's situation and breaking point is different. My H's affairs were more like one night stands the first time. The second time, no physical contact. I have been able to forgive him, although like Porter, I still sometimes get angry and/or paranoid. I believe that for me, a long term affair would have been more difficult.

 

Yes, I have a child. Her well being was a big factor in my staying. She had dealt with major change in her short life and there isnt much I wouldnt sacrifice for her. Had it just been myself...I may have bailed. But I am happy I did not.

 

I would have to say, that the whole crisis resulted in communication and put its importance at the forefront of our marriage.

I would have to agree with Porter again - a key element in saving our marriage (and possibly a drawback as as well) is that I have ZERO tolerance for anything I deem inappropriate, or that I'm uncomfortable with. And he has to be OK with that. The fact that he is makes it all possible.

 

I'm curious - are you two considering trying? What is your role in this?

[Karma101]

I'm curious - are you two considering trying? What is your role in this?

 

My role...Yikes. Not good. I have been dating a divorcing man for the past 9 months. He has been separated from his wife for about 1.5 yrs now. He was married 18 years and has 3 children with this woman. Problems in their marriage for some time, and she ultimately had an affair. She continued in this affair well after he left the house, until very recently almost 1.5 yrs in total. She moved her boyfriend into the house not long after her husband left. She never showed any remorse (that he says) and seemed completely uninterested in ever reconciling, until just last week. About a week after she broke up with the boyfriend. Lots of history, lots of emotions...the man I have been dating, her husband, decided to halt the divorce process (they were in final mediation) and give his marriage a 2nd chance. Obviously I am devastated, but I understand. We ended our relationship immediately on the best terms possible. I love this man to death and want whats best for him. Says he has to give the marriage another chance so he'll "know" and have no regrets. They are not in MC as of yet. They still reside in separate homes. Guess I'm just trying to understand his thought process. Selfishly, I can't understand how he could be so in love with me and go back to her. Well, my heart can't understand, my head does.

 

I honestly thought the divorce would go through. He said he came to terms with his situation and knew he had to proceed and could not live in the "gray" area anymore (separated, but having a relationship with someone else). And then, seemingly overnight, she decided she wanted to get back together. We talked about a future togher, etc. I hold out no hopes of us getting back together. That's not why I ask. I'm just curious what he's in for as they try to put the pieces back together.

[2sure]

Geez. Well, you are certainly not an OW - you didnt break up a marriage , nor did he betray his spouse. It does speak volumes however, that its never a good idea to date someone until they have their divorce.

 

I feel for you - you are asking what are the odds here.

It sounds like she is one of those people that just has to have a partner.

She lost the one she had, so went back to him. This cycle could continue. Forever.

Or: she had a mid life crisis and has come to her senses and he will forgive her and they will live happily ever after. It does happen.

 

Either way - and I hate to say this - HE has made it clear that the door is open for her and always has been. Maybe always will be.

 

Doesnt sound like you could have seen this coming. Life is hardest when we are unprepared - the rug is pulled from beneath you.

 

Hang out here and catch your breath.

[Karma101]

I agree that dating before the divorce is final is never a good idea. And it was always on my mind. Not that I thought she would come back, more that he would have a total melt down as the divorce became final. I always threw out checker questions about the progress, and in the past couple of months, it seemed full on. He just mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he thought the divorce would be final by the end of the year.

 

Yes, I am 2nd best. Plan B. I realize that now, though I do firmly believe his feeling were/are very real for me. I just can't compete with 18 years and being the Mother of his children. History is a function of time, something I just can't control. I have no regrets. I gues it is what it is. Obviously I am biased, but they seem to be rushing back into this so quickly. They decided sometime between Mon and Fri of last week to reconcile and told the kids by that Fri evening. He obviously has some trust issues. I just wonder how one (he) will get past these.

 

I'll know better in the future. If my heart ever heals...

[2sure]

I hope for you that he was kind and gentle in revealing this huge change.

 

I also hope your screen name, Karma , doesnt mean you getting what you deserve for past transgression! I'm sure there is a lesson here for you (and others now because you shared) - but this isnt your fault at all!

 

You probably feel more like a betrayed spouse and that is more like your role here. You have every right to grieve this relationship and what has been done to you.

[2sure]

lol. You asked if having sex again, between them, since the break up will be weird...

 

Lets say yes!! It will be uncomfortable, strange, and possibly gross.

[Karma101]

Karma is just my belief. It's a slight jab at my crazy XH! He's got his coming to HIM! I have never cheated on a BF or my own XH - He's the one who cheated on me.

 

The way he told me was very kind and understanding. He was open and honest immediately. We have talked in depth about the situation, our shared feelings and obviously the need for strict NC. I am trying to respect that, though I am dying inside. I have as much closure as I could ask for. I deeply mourn this relationship. I love him to death, enough to let him go...

 

Is it bad if a slight part of me wants him to throw up all over her when they have sex for the first time?!? Think that will send her packing again? LOL.

[2sure]

I suppose vomit could be his Karma.

 

You have really taken the high road here. Many women would feel they were entitled to put up some sort of fight, or at least cause a problem here. You were in a relationship with him, all signals go...and then she returns, and all bets are off.

 

Boy...you are going to have some trust issues. But it sounds like you have a very level head on your shoulders - and like you are a classy lady.

 

It is quite possible that it will not be enough for his wife to have him back - she may still be unhappy and end up resentful.

 

Be honest, after all you are anonymous here - do you want him back?

[Karma101]

Do I want him back? More than anything in the world. I am not one for cliches and such, but I truly felt as though this man was my soul mate. And he said on numerous occassions that he felt the same. I lived through 11 yrs of a horrible marriage w/ a miserable alcoholic who cheated on me. And honestly, it was all worth it because it lead me to this relationship. I would do it all over again. Even knowing the outcome. This man made me a better person and taught me to love again. I am thankful every day for having had him in my life for the past 9 months.

 

Selfishly I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "How could you do this? How could you go back to her? How can you say you are in love with me and still want her?" But where would that get me. I choose to have no regrets and fond memories. But I'd still like to claw her eyes out!

 

But...my heart is breaking. The pain is almost unbearable. There is a hole in my life where he once was. She's damn lucky to have him!!! And I hope she appreciates him every single day.

[2sure]

I agree - the things and people from our past make us who we are today, so no regret is required. That lesson takes a long time to learn.

 

I cant help but feel your man may (in spite of this) be one of integrity. You said you loved him so much you were willing to let him go. Is it possible he has sacrificed his own love for you to try to do what is right by his family?

 

It sounds like you know the difference. Is he truly in love with his wife? Did he tell you? Are his children being torn? How long now since NC?

 

Chances are this reconciliation could go thru a honeymoon period. Then be the same as it was before....

Gee, I wish you could just come over and have a glass of wine until you are angry at him. Anger is so much easier to release.

[Karma101]

Is it possible he has sacrificed his own love for you to try to do what is right by his family?

 

Absolutely. He said he firmly believes that children should have a dual parent household whenever possible. There have been some behavioral issues w/ his teenage daughter recently. Only adding to his guilt for not being around. Not to mention, he said that Wednesdays and every other weekend with his kids is just not enough.

 

Is he truly in love with his wife? Did he tell you?

He said that after almost 20 years together, and despite their problems, he still has a strong emotional connection to her and that he loves her and thinks he could be "in love" with her again. With lots of work.

 

How long now since NC?

We spent a few hours together yesterday. If it kills me, I will not contact him. I don't want to cause any trouble and I want to respect his decision. When I say this happened fast, I mean we were together as a couple who spent the night together one week ago today. And then between last Tues and Fri, they decided to reconcile and told the kids such on Fri evening.

 

I have spent quite a bit of time with his children over the months. They are older - 19, 15 and 13. They actually seemed quite well adjusted to their parents split and respective relationships with other people. Really great kids. Not that they wouldn't want their parents together though.

 

Obviously I am biased, but they just seem to be moving so quickly. Especially with telling the children.

 

In my heart, I have serious doubts that it will work, but that's for them to figure out. I sincerely want this man to be happy. To be loved. To be wanted (they had nearly zero physical intimacy). It breaks my heart to think it might not work and that he will just stay in an unhappy marriage, or what he called an "average marriage, at best".

 

I would take him back tomorrow, next month, next year...I am such an idiot. I should be mad. But I'm not. I'm just sad.

[porter218]

Wow Karma, this sounds so hard. I honestly don't think his M will last. I don't want to give you false hope here but I just can't imagine her intentions are genuine. If I were him I would never be able to forgive her. Perhaps he is going back to be of more help with his teen-aged daughter. It all just sounds too fast and not thought out properly. Well, I don't know what to tell you other then be strong. It sounds like if nothing else at least you had a wonderful 9 months with him. Good Luck!

[Karma101]

Thanks for all your kind words. I have no false hope. I'm just trying to deal with all of this. It happened so suddenly. I miss him so much.

[Karma101]

I can't help but wonder... If he was still the miserable man that he was when they separated over a year ago, going out w/ his friends, drowning his sorrows in too much booze instead of being happy and in a realtionship w/ someone who clearly wanted what she 'had'... Would she have wanted to reconcile? She let this go one week before final mediation. She saw us together not even 2 months ago and told him that she felt nothing when she saw us together at all. No jealousy, nothing. She actually said, "She's cute. You guys look happy together."

 

Grrr...