We Love each other..but can we ever live together?

[lookingatyou]

Okay here is a strange one.. and something I do wonder about... my ex and I are reconciled after 4 years apart. We broke up last time, mainly because we couldnt live together. We turned our home lives into a living hell. Now we've been together again for 5 months and have basically said, if we are going to commit to this relationship, then we need to assume we are working towards it long term- that means moving in!

 

Okay, here is a bit about why it happened. My partner and I are total opposites, and I guess thats why we have such a strong bond, when one is worried the other is calm, when one is upset we cheer the other up, when one is cranky, the other lets them rant. We thought we were perfect together, so we moved in after 3 months. Then it hit the fan.

 

In fact the only characteristic we share is that we are stubborn and don't like being told what to do.

 

I'm like my father, messy, disorganised, happy go lucky, my mother is uptight about mess and neatness whereas my father encouraged me to see this as a negative quality, which i still believe it is. Wherever my father went, he left mess, coffee rings, tobacco, cigarette ash, muddy boots etc, we'd laugh at mum saying " it doesnt matter as long as we;re happy!" i lived after this in my own home, and lived as i liked, with friends over, often doing things like throwing dirty plates away rather than washing up, piling washing up to "sort out later" clothes strewn everywhere and piles of clutter.

 

My partner however, was raised to do many chores for pocket money. he regulary cleaned his room as a child and as i discovered when i moved in briefly with his mother, she is a neat freak, moving things out from underneath you, swiping away coffee cups before you've even drank them to "get them washed up!!" she even had an operation and two days afterwards was scrubbing the floor. She too is critical. My partner is efficient and organised and likes to take on responsibility, whereas i'm not like that. He also seemed to be happy taking on the responsibilty of organising our finances. Before we moved in together, he was living in a filthy shared house so I did not see this side of him. We started out with the best of intentions with housekeeping chores.

 

When we moved in together however, it all came out. Not only did we struggle to make our rent, Both of us decided "this is my home, i'll live how i like". For him, that was running a clean home, without clutter, changing bins before work, washing up the pots straight after the meal, taking the laundry right out of the dryer to iron right away. etc. He also was used to doing things the way that his mother had taught him- quickly and the RIGHT way... Whenever i attempted to clean up, or cook, i'd do it "wrong" or not the "right way", and id feel him looking at me, or not enough, or i'd leave a job half done. my partner can be critical and fussy at his worst, and i can be defensive and aggressive. Guess what happened....?

 

Yup. We fell out. He ended up taking on all of the household chores. i thought, if you want to do it your way, you do it. Get on with it. Then hed bitch at me for not doing anything or the right way, and say "youd better do this now or else..." i'd start this "don't tell me what to do and when in my own home.."etc So he threatened me with, if you don't do this by today, i'm not doing it so it can stay like that, and then we'll see what you do!" so to spite him, i'd not do it, then hed threaten me further, by doing things like cooking a meal and not including me, etc. it got to the point of stalemate with both of us refusing to clean up, or do anything for the other, and there being a foot high of mess in all of the rooms, and us constantly rowing over cleaning, and by now, we had serious money troubles too. The same happened there, he'd tell me to stop spending so much money, money i was spending on our home- something he never did- and was happy enough to live in a bare room with only merely practical items- so it was up to me to decorate our home, and i'd feel as though who was he to tell me how to spend my pay- i never told him what to do. Hed argue that when i was controlling the finances i could tell him, but until that day comes, no.

 

By the time we split, after 3 years, we were flat broke, hated each other and living in what looked like a show flat used as a doss house, with each of our sets of parents blaming the other.

 

When we reconciled, we'd joke- we cant live together! but as time has worn on, its stopped being funny. Things have changed, we have good jobs, were not 21 anymore, weve grown up and improved, we have talked and want to move in together (there is a distance between us so it would cut down on travelling) we are trying, and have both admitted we were immature and both in the wrong. My partner knows he needs to relax and stop being over critical, and sometimes it doesnt matter because he loves me, and i know that sometimes i should just put that in the bin, or rinse that cup out, or do as my partner asks, to show i respect him, and that it shouldnt be seen as some personal attack on the other. We are really trying with each other, now my partner says " would you like to help me do the washing up, please, it'll only take two minutes?" and i do it, and afterwards he says "thanks for helping me, i know you really hate doing that." or sometimes i'll offer to do something that in my own home i'd never do, like put my shoes neatly in the cupboard instead of leaving them by the door. or he'll say "you cook that a slightly different way to me, show me how you do that?" rather than going " why are you doing it like that??" We are trying to accept that we're different, and work towards it, but both of us know inwardly that the other will never change- sometimes i catch him looking questioningly when i leave something out, or he'll catch me mumbling " for god's sake!" when he asks me to put the right cutlery in the right drawer compartment, or asks me why i put something in the wrong cupboard. We love each other and have tried to work it all out, and are making a big big effort with this relationship. Second time around we have had to accept that you cannot change somebody you love, you have to accept that the positive outweighs the negative- but i'm just scared that all of this will come back to haunt us once we move in, and one of us loses our temper and we revert back to type. Has anybody got any thoughts or experiences about this?

[kizik]

Wow, that was long. OK, this is gonna be another disaster. Sure, you're joking about it now, but there's "truth in every jest." You're gonna get on each other's f*cking nerves again, and it's gonna end like it did last time.

 

I don't believe in second chances anymore. I've had 3 with the same girl over a span of 12 years and it always ends the same... broken-hearted.

 

Meet someone new. Get out of your comfort zone, you'll learn so much more.

[justaman99]

ouch. This is just my opinion but I can see you two as being that old couple that just constantly nags at each other for all the little ****. Like George Castanza's parents on Seinfeld.

[Prodigal Princess]

Just a thought but... Would you consider staying in the relationship and never living together?

 

I know of a couple who are married and live in separate apartments. Both started off living together and realised it just wasnt workable. Apparently its done wonders for their relationship!