I thought we had broken up. He thought we were on a break.

[sedona]

We broke up 2 weeks ago. He had become more and more distant and I wasn't able to cope with his ambilvalence. My feelings for him hadn't changed , whereas he had grown a mental block and couldn't explain why. Over the past few months, things had been leading to this point. I've posted about this before.

 

So I went NC and it's been a struggle. Almost called him on Friday, but you guys stopped me. But alas, last night I texted him, asking for some of my stuff back (I had already asked him to leave it in my garage, but nothing's shown up). About a half-hour later, he calls me and says that he doesn't understand why I need the stuff back so quickly and that the message made it sound to him like I just wanted this to be completely over so I could get on with my life without him. So I'm thinking "Huh?!?! I thought that was the whole point of our last conversation. WTF?" But I answered "Well, I want to get on with my life, but I don't know yet if it'll be with or without you." A LIE! The reason I've been so crushed is because I want him in my life and thought it was over.

 

It turns out that he thought we had made a deal that he'd call me at some point in the future. What I remember is that he said that this wouldn't be the last time I saw him (after I asked him -- I was really upset). It turns out that he's been using this time in exactly the way you'd hope when on an NC break. He said that it's given him space to think about how much I really meant to him and to think a lot more about lots of the things I had said to him about what I wanted in a relationship. Also that he had thought a lot about his past to try to figure out why he was the way he was.

 

The upshot is that he'll drop my stuff by sometime this week. And at some point in the future-- who knows when--- he'll call me with more. He said that not being expected to contact me took the pressure off and he was able to start thinking clearly. I felt comforted because I've been thinking that what we had meant nothing to him and it turns out that it did mean something. How much it meant to him isn't clear, but at least he hasn't just dropped me without a second thought.

 

I'm just floored. I feel that I'm either being hooked by a commitmentphobic man who will come and go until I say enough OR this is a guy who really likes me but is confused and is honestly trying to figure things out - if I give him then space he needs, then we have a chance at making this work.

 

I'm in NC mode again. And I feel better than I did.

[sedgwick]

Wow! I am so glad you spoke to him and found out that even though he was acting like a huge flake, he didn't mean to just leave you, and he was working on himself.

 

Am I the only person from the disappearing-guy thread whose ex really did just stop contacting them altogether? I think I may be...

[sedona]

Sedg,

 

Your guy is a complete loser. I mean, some of the other "Prince Charming"s sound pretty rotten, but your guy wins the prize.

 

As for my situation, I knew my guy was a good one, but yeah - "flaky" is a fairly accurate description of how he's behaving.

[Walking away]

Sedona...

 

Good for you. But you know I am going to tell you this: tread carefully.

 

Trust your instincts.

 

Glad you are feeling better. That's so good!

[Walking away]

Wow! I am so glad you spoke to him and found out that even though he was acting like a huge flake, he didn't mean to just leave you, and he was working on himself.

 

Am I the only person from the disappearing-guy thread whose ex really did just stop contacting them altogether? I think I may be...

 

 

My guy disappeared off the face of the earth for three months to return to play the same ambivalent game again.

 

Sometimes it's best that they stay away.

 

Trust me on that.

 

[sedgwick]

I believe you. Still, it would be great just to know he even remembers me. I sent him a text back in Nov telling him he could call me in Jan or anytime thereafter, and I never heard a word. I was really hoping he might acknowledge my having turned in my book, which happened on Jan 15, but he didn't.

 

Last night a close male friend of mine was telling me about a couple of conversations he had with my ex back when we were still dating. My friend is a musician too, and he said they sat and talked about how similar the kind of dance I do is to the kind of music he (my ex) plays!

 

I've never met anyone in my life with whom I had so much in common. I really miss our conversations. I miss him terribly. I am driving myself into this crazy depression pit knowing he doesn't want me in his life AT ALL. He doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence anymore.

 

Is this because I was the only one seeing it? I mean, how did HE feel about all our bizarre life coincidences? It's too much to go into, but suffice it to say we used to freak ourselves out with how much the same person we were -- like, we both had the exact same first car, a vintage car nobody else at our high schools had, right down to it being the exact same color with the exact same interior. Just CONSTANT stuff like that. Why would you find someone like that and then suddenly, without warning, decide you were going to stop speaking to them over the one thing you DIDN'T have in common? As a musician, if you have a girl who actually enjoys watching you take apart your old record players and wants you to teach her how to do it too, and would in fact consider this a fun date, couldn't you possibly consider yourself lucky to have her instead of dumping her because she's not a fiddle player? WTF?!? Why? WHYYYYY? *beats head against wall*

 

Sedona, I'm sorry, I'll stop hijacking your thread now. You're right, he is the suckiest of all the disappearing boyfriends. I know this, and yet I still feel myself sinking further and further into depression.

Edited April 6, 2008 by sedgwick

[sedona]

Sedg. Ok with the thread hijack. Not much more to say with my story for the time being.

You know, I read your posts and you are the most sensible woman. It is simply inconceivable that you can't get over this *******. Because that's what he is.

It seems you've been doing all the right things and they haven't helped. Have you ever thought about hunting him down and confronting him? Maybe a dramatic final scene is what you need to get over him.

[Walking away]

Sedg...

 

Maybe you DO need closure.

 

Think about that. We all have different needs and maybe you DO need to confront him.

 

I agree with Sedona on this one...

[sedgwick]

Have you ever thought about hunting him down and confronting him? Maybe a dramatic final scene is what you need to get over him.

 

Oh god no. I haven't seen him since the morning he dumped me, and I live in abject terror of running into him. When I go into a restaurant or get on the subway, the first thing I do is scan for him or anyone associated with him. It is exhausting to leave my apartment because I am so terrified of running into him. I know that if I saw him, I would melt. I wouldn't be able to speak, I'd just break down in tears.

 

In a week and a half it will have been 9 months since the breakup, and I still feel like it just happened. I cannot in any way, shape, or form imagine loving again. And even if I could love, I couldn't trust. I couldn't have sex again.

 

The night before he broke up with me I said to him, "I am so scared to write this book, but I know I can do it with you by my side." I keep thinking of that and of how stupid I must have looked to him. The best part was how, during the dumping, he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Less than 24 hours after I had a conversation with him about how this book was the most important thing that had ever happened to me, he said this.

 

He made me feel like an annoyance to him. He scoffed at me for not understanding that "things change." In our last conversation, he acted like I was just some chick he'd been dating casually, and actually said to me (when I asked why he hadn't called when he came into town), "I'm just here for two days, I can't go calling everybody." He literally said that, acting like he was doing me a favor by communicating with me at all. He went from being this beautiful, warm, gregarious person to being ice cold, literally overnight. He just made me feel like such a piece of sh*t, like I was so disposable, and I don't know if I can recover. My whole life has sort of been set at 50% opacity since he left.

Edited April 6, 2008 by sedgwick

[vivrantflo]

couldn't you possibly consider yourself lucky to have her instead of dumping her because she's not a fiddle player? WTF?!?.

 

 

Sorry for the hijack..

 

Sedgwick, Im not familiar with your story, but was that the reason your ex gave you for dumping you?

 

If the answer is yes, do you REALLY believe that?!?

[sedgwick]

Sorry for the hijack..

 

Sedgwick, Im not familiar with your story, but was that the reason your ex gave you for dumping you?

 

If the answer is yes, do you REALLY believe that?!?

 

I've written about this so much here, so I won't go into the whole saga again, but yes, that is the reason he gave. He said (this is after a year together) that he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. I'm a dancer, but apparently that wasn't close enough. He said he felt that whoever she was, the love of his life was an old-time fiddle player. It wasn't someone he actually knew, it was just someone he felt he had to go looking for.

 

He left my apartment that morning and that was the last I ever saw of him.

[beta]

Sedona: I have to say: I am absolutely Gobsmacked! Holy!! What a relief though! I so know all too well about that feeling that he is simply not thinking of you at all!

 

Let me think: If you are me on the other side of the world, than my man will contact too???? ))

 

Or not

sigh.

 

Maybe you're right? Maybe he did need to see just how much he missed you? I think I would want to ask what he did though to realize that? (Did he consult? did he take up meditation? Did he seek a tarot reading from an old Romanian woman???) WHAT? What has it hit them with "yeah, maybe I do miss her?"

 

In any case, I am sure you will be that much more prudent this time. And I'm sure he'll have to be pretty convincing. At least you'll get closure though? Or a massive opening!

 

On day 9 of NC for me.

2 weeks eh?

 

Here's a question; (If you get to ask him?) How long would he have waited to contact you? (had you not txt'd him?) Would he have? OR was he just waiting for you to contact him?

 

cheers,

 

p.s. Sedg: you're not alone in the NC. Mine hasn't contacted me in weeks! (don't expect he ever will either

[Marin]

He told you that because it was actually better than telling you it was because he had fallen out of love with you. He gave a reason, which was something that you have no control over.

At some point you're going to have to realize that he just fell out of love with you. He just lost feelings. It's not your fault and it's not his. Just because he lost feelings for you, doesn't make him a jerk. No matter how he broke up with you, he would have been the bad guy.

You have to look at it as he did you a favor because you didn't have to spend anymore time pining over a guy who was falling out of love with you, and in fact already had.

 

I've written about this so much here, so I won't go into the whole saga again, but yes, that is the reason he gave. He said (this is after a year together) that he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. I'm a dancer, but apparently that wasn't close enough. He said he felt that whoever she was, the love of his life was an old-time fiddle player. It wasn't someone he actually knew, it was just someone he felt he had to go looking for.

 

He left my apartment that morning and that was the last I ever saw of him.

[Marin]

I've written about this so much here, so I won't go into the whole saga again, but yes, that is the reason he gave. He said (this is after a year together) that he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. I'm a dancer, but apparently that wasn't close enough. He said he felt that whoever she was, the love of his life was an old-time fiddle player. It wasn't someone he actually knew, it was just someone he felt he had to go looking for.

 

He left my apartment that morning and that was the last I ever saw of him.

 

OK, then, he did break up with you. I thought you meant he just disappeared. He broke up with you, then left. Ok. It's not that bad then. You made it sound like he just left without saying anything, like you came home one day and "poof" he was gone, and you never saw him again. He told you he was dumping you, and was even giving you signs that it was ending by his distant behavior toward you.

[sedgwick]

OK, then, he did break up with you. I thought you meant he just disappeared. He broke up with you, then left. Ok. It's not that bad then. You made it sound like he just left without saying anything, like you came home one day and "poof" he was gone, and you never saw him again. He told you he was dumping you, and was even giving you signs that it was ending by his distant behavior toward you.

 

Nope, that's not the case. I've told the story a lot of times on here -- it's easy to find my old threads if you're interested in exactly what happened. The brief version is that everything was fiery-passionate-amazing up until the night before he left. Then one morning we woke up, after an incredible time the night before during which he told me several times that he loved me, and he dumped me for not being a musician and left and i never saw him again. I thought he was totally in love with me seven hours before he dumped me.

 

The point is that there was no distant behavior. That's why it's so baffling. And he was sobbing when he broke up with me, but he did it nonetheless.

Edited April 7, 2008 by sedgwick

[Marin]

Nope, that's not the case. I've told the story a lot of times on here -- it's easy to find my old threads if you're interested in exactly what happened. The brief version is that everything was fiery-passionate-amazing up until the night before he left. Then one morning we woke up, after an incredible time the night before during which he told me several times that he loved me, and he dumped me for not being a musician and left and i never saw him again. I thought he was totally in love with me seven hours before he dumped me.

 

The point is that there was no distant behavior. That's why it's so baffling. And he was sobbing when he broke up with me, but he did it nonetheless.

 

Oh, OK, I thought when he wasn't calling you when he was in town it was when you were together.

Sorry, I still don't see how your breakup is really that much more awful or that he behaved that awfully. He wanted it to end so he ended it. He was probably sobbing because he was sad that the good times were over and he was hurting you. I think you are just making it more dramatic so he is more the bad guy.

[sedona]

Sedona: I have to say: I am absolutely Gobsmacked! Holy!! What a relief though! I so know all too well about that feeling that he is simply not thinking of you at all!

 

Let me think: If you are me on the other side of the world, than my man will contact too???? ))

 

Or not

sigh.

 

Maybe you're right? Maybe he did need to see just how much he missed you? I think I would want to ask what he did though to realize that? (Did he consult? did he take up meditation? Did he seek a tarot reading from an old Romanian woman???) WHAT? What has it hit them with "yeah, maybe I do miss her?"

 

In any case, I am sure you will be that much more prudent this time. And I'm sure he'll have to be pretty convincing. At least you'll get closure though? Or a massive opening!

 

On day 9 of NC for me.

2 weeks eh?

 

Here's a question; (If you get to ask him?) How long would he have waited to contact you? (had you not txt'd him?) Would he have? OR was he just waiting for you to contact him?

 

cheers,

 

p.s. Sedg: you're not alone in the NC. Mine hasn't contacted me in weeks! (don't expect he ever will either

 

He never said that he missed me. He just said that this time gave him a chance to really think about how much I meant to him. I interpret that to mean that I at least meant something to him - otherwise why bother talking to me again?

 

I think he would have waited an awful long time to contact me. And I think that I have a long wait in front of me now - I'd guess a few months at any rate. He says that he wants to be 100% sure of himself and what he feels and wants before he says anything. I don't understand how he could ever be 100% certain of anything!

 

So in the meantime, I plan on continue trying to pull myself together and fixing what's wrong with me. If he decides that he wants to try again, then I want to be strong enough to insist on the things that I need or just pass altogether. The rollercoaster ride we had cannot repeat itself. Or maybe with distance, then I'll take off my rose-colored glasses and decide that this relationship can't be saved.

 

Oh well. We'll see. Right now I feel ok though. Amazing how much it helps knowing that he hasn't forgotten me entirely.