Really over high school sweetheart?

[LoveLace]

We were engaged at 17! Now, we're both 31. I was his 1st for everything and we were very in love...blah! But I went away to college after high school, and that's when it fell a part. I tried so hard to hold on to him at 1st, then suddenly I just didn't want him anymore. I had too much else to experience. But he was a good guy. Together over 2 years, and I couldn't wait to get rid of a perfectly nice guy. He was very heart broken, and I was relieved.

 

Around 5-6 yrs later he ran into my mother. He was married. Mom hired him to do some work in the house. I knew it was wrong of me, but I left a note for him to call me, and we started hanging out. He was unhappy with his marriage. He wanted to leave her for me. The feelings were back and it was great until once again out of nowhere I lost interest. I was a different person at the time and didn't have my sh*t together either. I think it hurt him...but as of a few months ago, he contacted my mother from another state and said he's divorced, then invited us to come and visit...I wanted nothing to do with it. She encouraged me to just be his friend but I had no desire! I was going out with Marty then and very happy. I finally emailed the Ex one day though, briefly, and he gave me his phone # but I didn't want to call. I got busy with everything as usual, and the other day I suddenly decided to email him and tell him all the latest news. He hasn't wrote back but it was only 2 days ago.

 

What am I doing? Am I just lonely? I'd like to leave the past in the past. If I don't wanna be his friend, why did I do this? He turned out to be a great man...and I could probably have him...but a part of me feels like it'd be out of desperation or something. I'd wonder why I could never find someone other than him to love me that much...cuzI never have, in 11 years. Could we really be just friends with our history?