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13 years on - I'm Married,She's now married too but I still love her.


niceirishfella

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niceirishfella

Hi,

 

Well, where do i start. When i was 18 I met this wonderful girl at a disco not far from where i grew up. The relationship developed for the next 2 years into a real special romance. I loved her deeply and she did me, but when we went to college, after year 1, she told me she feel out of love with me and we dicided to break up.

It was ok at first, i thought i'd be ok as it was a fresh start for me. I could meet new freinds and get on with enjoying a new vision and era in my life. But after about 3 or 4 weeks, i realised i was fooling myself.

I missed her uncontrollably. I went to see her and meet with her. I poured out my soul to her and asked her to get back with me. She completely blew me out and said it was over, that she did not love me anyone and to move on - the hardest words i have ever heard said to me so far in my life. From there, I feel apart. The heartache was immense. I lost my apitite, i lost my focus and lost my confidence. I eventually moved on..(after a year or so).....saw other girls,dated,but never loved anyone like my ex. A couple of years on from my breakup, i met my now wife. Shes a great person, and we married 4 years ago after dating for 6 or 7 years. We have a 2 and a 1/2 year old son and a new baby on the way in a matter of weeks.

 

But recently - I have a lot of time on my hands because as a consultant i'm between projects (over 6 months off), I was on the internet and discovered my ex's brothers bebo page and was looking at it and was admiring how he had grown into a fine young man.

But then I saw pictures he had posted - my EX's weddings pics........to her new love. AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW, it was life someone had kicked me in the stomach and plunged a knife into my heart. I was speechless. It seems she married last year, and she looked stunning in the pics. And then it all came gushing back to me, the heartache - the pain and the desire for her to be in my life. She is the love of my life - no question.

 

The last month or so has been hard to me emotionally. I cant stop thinking about her. Moreover, i cannot undertstand why I'm thinking and feeling all of this stuff when its over 13 years ago and i thought i was over her. And the fellings i have scare me, as i want her back.

 

My wife knew there was something bothering me, so i came clean and she undertstands . She is a amazing person i can tell you. She says i should contact her and tell her my feelings to let it out and then put closure on it. But what my wife does not know is my real feelings..........that i still love my ex and would have her back in a heartbeat eventhough i love my wife and family. Its a just so complicated and potentialy volitile.

Now, i'm now stupid.......i know that i will never have my ex back as she is married now and I also know that i would not leave my wife and family either but my heart keeps hurting and pining and i find it hard to think of anything else. What should i do?

Has anyone out there gone through this like i'am now. Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

Nif.

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What should i do?

Allow me to be blunt. What should you do? How about, grow up.

 

You should thank whatever God you might believe in that you have such a great wife. Go home and kiss her all over her face, hug your kids, and forget this nonsense that never was and will never be. This is the woman you've made a life with. These people are your family, your port in the storm, your life.

 

Sounds like you're a lucky, lucky man. Don't screw it up over some almost forgotten wet dream.

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niceirishfella
Allow me to be blunt. What should you do? How about, grow up.

 

You should thank whatever God you might believe in that you have such a great wife. Go home and kiss her all over her face, hug your kids, and forget this nonsense that never was and will never be. This is the woman you've made a life with. These people are your family, your port in the storm, your life.

 

Sounds like you're a lucky, lucky man. Don't screw it up over some almost forgotten wet dream.

 

 

Thanks for the reply but Hey, Hang on a sec? Grow up? You obviously have not gone through what i have. Your answer is cold and blunt sure, but you are no one to comment if you have not endured this real heartache.

I'am a lucky man yes.........and no, my former love is not a wet dream.......it was real and more than even a cold hearted poster like you will understand.

 

nif.

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If you were to try to rekindle things with your ex, it would not be the same. 13 years is a long time and over that time both you and her have changed. There was a reason why she left you back then the reason is that you are with the woman you are suppose to be with now.

 

Don't romanticize the past with your ex, it will NEVER be like it once was. She ended it with you, she caused you just as much pain as she did joy. She has not been there for you like your wife has. Your wife has devoted so much more to you than your ex ever did.

 

How would you feel if your wife did this to you? You really need to take a close look at yourself and stop being so ignorant to what your wife has to offer you. You have your focus set on the wrong woman and if you don't start looking in the right direction you will lose your wife.

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Irish, you never really had closure when you first broke up with her years ago. I went through something similar and understand the obsession. And yes it is an obsession. Unless you deal with this you will end up stealing time and emotion from your marriage and family.

 

I am a big supporter of psychotherapy having spent 2 years in therapy myself and would suggest you find a therapist and deal with this. If you don't this will continue to haunt you.

 

You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act and how you deal with this.

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I agree, you need closure..... you must be able to put the "rejection" from her years ago to the side. We always seem to want what we cannot have instead of wanting what we do have.......call her and I am sure she will reject you again. Wake up before you loose what you do have and regret it the rest of your life...

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niceirishfella

jmargel,Tripper and cj1988 - thanks, and you're right. completely.

but, it just hurts so much. I do need closure. Do you think i should write to my lost love and tell her all of this to put closure to it?? what has your experience been to get closure in the past?

 

any help or advise is appreciated.

and thanks again.

 

nif.

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any help or advise is appreciated.

You should thank whatever God you might believe in that you have such a great wife. Go home and kiss her all over her face, hug your kids, and forget this nonsense that never was and will never be.

That's real good advice. I'm sorry you think I'm cold hearted, I'm not. I was trying to wake you up and make you think about what's important. Your wife bore your children. You promised your forever to her. And you're willing to throw it all away for some old memory? Incredible.

 

Everyone here has experienced heartache, you're not special in that regard. And we all give our advice based on our own personal experiences. My experience tells me you'd be a fool to throw away your family for something that doesn't even exist.

 

We humans have control over our thought processes. We can make choices. I get tired of hearing people say things like "I couldn't help it" and "I couldn't stop". Bullspit. We all CAN choose to do what's right.

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I would suggest that you forget your ex. That part of your life is long gone. You have a WONDERFUL wife, very understanding, and one who obviously loves you very much. You also have a child and one on the way who needs their father to be very much a part of their family.

 

The best thing I can suggest for you is counseling. What your wife is trying to tell you is that you need closure. Something you did not get during the breakup.

 

What you need to understand more than anything is this woman does not love you and did not want to be with you. Now you must ask yourself "Why would I save a space in my heart for someone who simply does not love me?"

 

As my signature says "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option."

 

And in your case, she doesn't even see you as an option at all. She's married and moved on, you're married an moved on.

 

Do whatever you need to do in order to gain closure, but understand your feelings for your ex are not logical and they are, though you don't realize it yet, simply unfair to your family.

 

Do the right thing and let this ex go so that you can completely dedicate your love and affection to your family, as it rightfully should be.

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Do you think its wise, to seek closure from a woman you dated 13 years ago, who is NEWLY wed?

 

Think again....she may find it a bit odd. plus, she only just got married and most importantly, you are married with a wife and child..

 

I think you should just forget your ex. She is probably hopelessly in love with her husband..you should focus on your family...Im sure you dont want to find yourself, on LS in a little while, posting on the breakup thread about how your wife left you...lol..seriously though, you dont know what you have till you lost it, so just go home and appreicate your family and forget this ex...she is GONE from your life...xx

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jmargel,Tripper and cj1988 - thanks, and you're right. completely.

but, it just hurts so much. I do need closure. Do you think i should write to my lost love and tell her all of this to put closure to it?? what has your experience been to get closure in the past?

 

any help or advise is appreciated.

and thanks again.

 

nif.

 

Well Irish, you could write a long letter with pen and paper. You don't necessarily need to send it. You could read it out loud as if she were sitting there listening. Writing (and reading) this letter without sending it can still be cathartic. Hope this helps...

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Write the note out and then burn it. Don't give it to her. Whenever you don't have 'closure' as you call it you can't give your heart 100% to the next person. It is unfair of what you are doing to your wife.

 

I can GUARANTEE that if you gave this ex your letter, two things will happen:

 

1) She will ignore or get a reply back to you that you don't want to hear thus really making yourself feel like a fool and upsetting you.

 

2) She will contact you and it will start out as 'friendship' and then continue into something more. You will have an affair and will lose your wife. Your ex-gf will then either drop you or if you two continue to the next step will eventually break up. Any relationship that starts off in strife, will end in strife.

 

Don't play this game! Let it go. Know that you tried everything in that past relationship and it just didn't work out. Most of us men have been in the same position you have, I certainly have.

 

Take the energy that you are using on your ex and put it into your wife. Otherwise you'll be crying over a wife that has recently left you in a couple of months from now.

 

In my personal experience my ex-fiancee was someone extremely special to me. However like your ex, she made the decision to leave. She came back to me about 3 years later asking for forgiveness, which I did do but we both moved on in our lives. Yes it does make you wonder what life would be like with them, but there's no point in trying to go down that path anymore.

 

Your ex is happy, she is with someone. Be happy for her. Don't ruin her first years of marriage with you trying to nose back into it. My wife's ex tried to do that and it really spoiled alot of things for us. It's a no win situation for either you, your wife, your ex or her new husband. Close this chapter in your life and smile at the good experiences you had with your ex, but smile even bigger knowing what the future holds for you and your wife.

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Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing and reboot is just being blunt about it.

 

You have a loving wife and 3 kids.... ya grow up.

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I don't think it's a matter of needing to "grow up." Nostalgia for poignant times in the past is a powerful feeling; it steers the direction you choose to take in the present and future.

 

You have some time on your hands and are finding yourself evaluating your entire life, I'm sure--not just this long-ago love. It's natural to revisit the most emotionally intense experiences...again and again, until we master the lessons they have to teach. Sometimes this can take decades.

 

I agree that now would not be a good time in either of your lives for you to reach out. Writing to her might bring a whole lot of surprising emotions to the surface for her, and consequently she might resent your contact as an callous intrusion into her new life with another man. That said, when reaching out to someone from your past with whom you've become unpleasantly estranged, it's always going to have a jarring effect; the recipient of your contact will feel shocked, angry, indignant, tender, full of grief...the whole gambit...if they ever cared. When you venture contact like that, you just have to trust that once all the initial emotions level out, the person feels touched that they are still cared for by someone long gone from their daily lives. I dont care who you are or how you feel about the person from your past, being reached out to like that is deeply flattering. It's an affirmation that your existence is meaningful to others and it's sometimes much more powerful than affirmations from the people currently in your life. Why? Because you've not filled a need, you've not been able to be taken for granted, by this person in many years.

 

Still, I think it would be a bit insensitive to contact her when she's just married. I agree with other posters who say you should see a psychotherapist--not because there is something "wrong" with what you're feeling, but because it sounds like you (and the wellbeing of your family) could benefit from some guidance as you use this free time to weave the wayward threads of your past neatly back into the tapestry of your life.

 

Maybe when you're both middle-aged, you could reach out. We're all headed into a box in the ground; it'd be shame to get to the end of our lives never having said the things we always wanted to say to estranged loved ones.

 

Good luck.

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niceirishfella

GreenCove,

 

Your post is most excellent and understanding, and ya know. Thats what i wanted - understanding of the place I'm in right now. I'm not in a hasppy place and feel guilty that i should be and having people saying to me ooooooooooohhh,grow up and be a man and such like is ok,but not real understanding.

 

Thanks for being a friend one and all. I guess the reason we are all here is because we all went thorught different stuff in our lives. It is comforting to find a website where i know i'm not alone, thank you again.

What am i gonna do? Well, I will reach out to my lost love. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, and not soon..........but someday before i die. That is for sure. Anon.

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Sounds less like you miss your ex, and more like you miss the amazing feelings of that love. IMO, you sold yourself short by marrying someone who was less than what you desired, even if she's wonderful.

 

How are you going to feel when your ex makes it clear that she has that amazing level of feeling for her new husband, i.e. not you?

 

Perhaps you should take some time, and maybe counseling, and re-evaluate whether you are living your life the way you want to.

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niceirishfella

How are you going to feel when your ex makes it clear that she has that amazing level of feeling for her new husband, i.e. not you?

 

 

Hi Kitten,

The reality is she most likely is incredibly headover heels in love with her new hubby and if i search my soul i have to say I'm happy for her. I love her so much still that i never want her to want for anything - including love and happiness. It just sucks its not with me. Life is hard.

But i know the love we shared all that time ago meant something to her too and wonder does her current love match up to our previous love? and ok, yes maybe the love i have not does not match up to the love with my ex all those years ago........sure, But i have responsibilites now like a son/family and i do love my wife - just not the same way. I dont think any 2 loves are the same? are they?

I have re-evaluated my life, and i'm a lucky lucky guy. Good career,wealth,health,family etc. I really don't know why i have been hit with all of this like 10 tonnes of bricks of late. I thought i had it all dealt with and in my past.

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