Called it off but still regretting my decision...

[puhpee30]

Ok. I think this is going to be a bit long.. My ex changed a lot for me without me trying, he started working harder and became neater.. All his friends and family would tell me they were surprised he is so in love and they all were happy he met me.

 

But there were quite a few things we didnt get to communicate about and that's on what I'd feel bad about.. I'm not much of a confronter of how i feel bad about something and he's not much into communicating when it comes to feelings too. So we were in a bit of a bind. He would notice I'd feel bad and coax me into telling him stuff... But i couldnt say all (which i regret now). Another thing is, well, all his friends and relatives liked me but mine didnt like him.. So they'd all give me talks on breaking it off...

 

I first really wanted to seriously break up with him 3 months ago. But he begged me back the same night and we talked about it!! So, thinking we got to communicate, I happily went back to him because I still loved him so much and he promised to address the problems... He would change for about two weeks then go back a bit to how he was.Then I tried a 2nd time to break it off ( in that same month) but not as whole-heartedly, just thinking he'd want to change. ANd if not, I just leave (or so I thought) We did the same thing again...

 

Then recently, feeling like such a nag and feeling he didnt want to do things for me like meet my mom (although he offered 2 weeks ago but I was angry at him then and told him nevermind), I was thinking it was hopeless and that he doesn't even make me feel special.. But funny thing was I loved him as much as I ever did. My heart was telling me to stay and my mind and family would tell me to leave him...

 

So at the midst of when all his work finally came in and he was SO busy, I broke it off with him a week and a half ago. Bad timing. I knew he was in a bit of a shock because just before that he was asking me to have dinner with him or spend time with him at his house. When I started breaking it off with him, he was saying that I was just in one of my moods and was just feeling bad and wanted to complain..

 

He didnt think I was serious about breaking up. I guess because it was the 3rd time and been quite awhile since I talked to him about anything bad. I started talking then he tuned off.. I felt so bad and thought he didnt care I was doing it so I was crying while breaking up with him... Funny thing is, when we'd message each other, he didnt get the whole point of why I was breaking up!

 

Next evening, he begged me back again, asked my forgiveness and said to be patient with him because he's is trying to better and he's not used to it since he hasnt had a girlfriend in 4 yrs.... I was so tired from crying but was so happy but confused at the same time, i just agreed.

 

next day, he was pretty cold. so i told him that it seems like we havent gotten back together really since we havent really talked about it. All he said coldly was 'up to you'. He'd still treat me like his girlfriend the next few days and try to see me but was aloof. And me, still feeling bad he's been cold would push him away. He'd talk and talk to me and chat but once i get serious over chat, he'd just avoid it, change the topic and go offline...

 

Then I finally asked him what the real score was if we were history or not and at least tell me since he's been so aloof. He never replied. Then after a few days of talking and chatting, we were getting more and more distant. Then one day, he was a bit drunk and called me to go out of town with him... But he fell asleep and didnt get to answer my call anymore.. Next day he coldly siad he fell asleeo then told me his whole day's sched (like he'd normally do)

 

Then it went on and on, be really friednly then cold.. Then one day he was so nice to me and apologizing to my friends for not showing up. Then the next morning, calls to ask me out for breakfast and was really concerned and all like nothing ever happened bad between us. Well, I ended up spending the whole morning with him at his home and I have never seen him so emotional and missing me. I was even happy and SURPRISED to see all my things were still in place, my bedframe, my pillow, my toiletries, clothes, etc..

 

I wanted to see him that evening again but he had a meeting. I decided to go have dinner out, he asked me where and uncannily had his meeting a place 1 buildings down! I felt so bad about our situation, had 2 drinks and was totally tipsy. I texted him that I know whats going on and that he doesnt seem to want a girlfriend anymore. How I can see from what's happening we are history.. How I loved him the whole realationship and that he's so cold now and Im the one ending up hurt . I even said I know now he wants me as a friend and I cant deal with that, he has to give me time to get all over this and then we can be friends. I also told him to let me know in the future who his girl would be and how there has been someone going for me but I've been putting him off since I thought I was still an item with him. And I said, I guess I'm free though... i kept asking him to even let me know if he got my message and he never replied to any 4 of my texts....

the next day, he tried calling me but i knew he was drunk dialling since I found out he's been going out every night drinking. So I didnt answer.

 

Next day (just 2 days ago), I sent back all his stuff and he messaged me sounding a bit sad but I ended the chat right away since I was feeling so bad. AND he never offered my stuff back or what . Then yestrday, while I was sooo missing him, he started chatting with me. Although I was so reluctant to answer bec I wanted semi NC with him, I answered.. He sounded sad and was asking what I've been doing. SiGH

 

So far, my friends who know him and my therapist have told me he's in denial and that he still loves me but IS sending such mixed signals... What is going on??? Been going out of my mind and crying and wanting him back. i so regret breaking up with him but at the same time I started seeing all the faults Ive done too... I dont care anymore what my family says. I want them to meet him and like him. well, that is, if I can get him back...