wanting Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 Hi there, everyone. Love stories are always complicated, and mine is no exception. So I'd like to start with my question, and then provide the background. If a married couple is separated, and talking about divorcing, and one partner gets involved in a relationship with a third party - is that cheating? The reason I'm asking is because my husband and I were separated for the last five months, and during that time he became involved with another woman. Now we are back together, working on our marriage, and though he has broken up with the woman they remain friends. Although we were separated and on the verge of divorce at the time of this other relationship of his, I am having a hard time getting over it. This relationship lasted for three of the five months we were apart! So it basically only took him two months to find someone new (incidentally, she has my same first name, which I think is kinda creepy). Now they are still hanging out and being friends and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's unreasonable of me to feel uncomfortable about it, because we were separated at the time. But we had been married five years and for him to just get into a relationship that fast worries me ... She calls him all the time and they sometimes hang out and it eats me up inside. I feel betrayed but he says I shouldn't because they're just friends now and we were separated at the time. We're making good progress on our issues from before we separated, but this relationship is really biting me in the butt! Do I need to get over it or am I justified in being wary of their friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 In my opinion, yes, that is cheating. Separated is still married. Married means forsaking all others. If you don't mind greatly decreasing the chances of getting the marriage back, I guess it doesn't matter. But you already see that. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Forget about the whole seperation/cheating question, the question is you are allowing your husband to "hang out" with a woman he had sex with not long ago, alone? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Now we are back together, working on our marriage, and though he has broken up with the woman they remain friends. Now they are still hanging out and being friends and it makes me uncomfortable. Your marriage has no chance as long as this woman is a part of it in any way, shape or form. He saw her when he was separated, but he cannot continue that 'friendship' into his reconciliation with you. He put the separation behind him and decided to reconcile. She is part of what needs to be put behind him if it is going to work with you two. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 If you're legally seperated, it's not legally cheating (at least where I am). However, this feels like a betrayal to me, even if you can't technically label it cheating. And the fact that he's still hanging out with this woman screams warnings to me- at the very least, look how it's tearing you up at a VERY fragile time. I'd say if you are willing to dismiss this relationship as a rebound and an unfortunate mistake and continue to work on your marriage, this woman has to go 100%. No ifs, ands, or buts. Link to post Share on other sites
julkat Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My thoughts are that, if he wants your marriage to have a chance, he has to respect your feelings about this other woman and ask her to stay away from him, 100%. He must do this out of respect for your marriage. You have every right to ask him to do this. Explain how you feel. If he cares, he will deal with her. Remember, if it feels bad, something is wrong that needs to be made right. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hmm, having never been married. This is my opinion. You were separated and him having a relationship during that time period should be ok; however, now that you have gotten back together I definitely don't think it's right that he is spending time with this woman. No you are not being overly paranoid, how are you supposed to begin to rebuild trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My thoughts are that, if he wants your marriage to have a chance, he has to respect your feelings about this other woman and ask her to stay away from him, 100%. He must do this out of respect for your marriage. You have every right to ask him to do this. Explain how you feel. If he cares, he will deal with her. Remember, if it feels bad, something is wrong that needs to be made right. Good luck. I second that thought.. Its one thing to be separated/in process of divorce. or separated/because things aren't going well but still respect a marriage. your married be upfront! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 He was up front with her about it in that he told her he was married but it was "over." Apparently she didn't mind the fact that he was still technically married. As for whether or not I allow him to hang out with her, I really wish it was that simple. I have no control over what he does. All I can do is tell him how I feel about it, the rest is up to him. His viewpoint is that I'm being overly jealous and immature about it. He thinks he should be able to be friends with whoever he chooses and I should be OK with it. He says I have no right to ask him to hurt another person in order to make me happy. As you can tell, I'm extremely confused. I want to make our marriage work so badly but not at the cost of my dignity! Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 it sounds like he was ready to move on when the two of you separated. divorce takes some time, especially if you want to avoid the really nasty stuff and there is no 3rd party involved so I understand why people have relationship before marriage is officially over. it hurts when someone starts seeing another person soon but that's how some people deal with breaking up (which is effectively what you did at that time) I think it is fine that your husband had the relationship because separation is usually the step towards divorce and divorce is just a piece of paper confirming that. however, he is not right now when he is dismissing your feelings about the current situation. you do have the right to ask him to stop being friends with this woman given the unique situation you are in and if he is dismissing your views you have to ask yourself the question whether he is considerate enough as a person. you need to think about why you separated in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 1. As for whether or not I allow him to hang out with her, I really wish it was that simple. I have no control over what he does. 2. All I can do is tell him how I feel about it, the rest is up to him. 3. His viewpoint is that I'm being overly jealous and immature about it. He thinks he should be able to be friends with whoever he chooses and I should be OK with it. He says I have no right to ask him to hurt another person in order to make me happy. 1. You are right - the only person who will make him stop carrying on with this girl is himself. He will need the proper motivation. He will not be motivated by altruism, though - he will only stop when he sees that if he doesn't, he stands to lose greatly from it. 2. I would tell him how you feel from within the context of counseling. If you try to do it on your own, all he will do is continue to defend the OW against you, and fight for his 'right' to keep his affair partner in his life, and make you look like the bad guy. A good MC won't allow him to do this. He will instead be forced to examine why he would want to keep his affair partner to the detriment of the marriage. 3. Yet, he has the right to hurt you by protecting his and his OW's best interests over yours? I would go to counseling and hash it out there. He will never see this from your point of view. Perhaps help from an objective third party will help him see things a little more clearly. If he refuses counseling, and refuses to stop being "friends" with this girl, then your choices are limited to: staying unhappily married to him and accepting his "friend", or getting a divorce and clearing your head and heart and getting a fresh start. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hi there, everyone. Love stories are always complicated, and mine is no exception. So I'd like to start with my question, and then provide the background. If a married couple is separated, and talking about divorcing, and one partner gets involved in a relationship with a third party - is that cheating? I would say yes...maybe not....it IS, however, still adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 As for whether or not I allow him to hang out with her, I really wish it was that simple. I have no control over what he does. All I can do is tell him how I feel about it, the rest is up to him. His viewpoint is that I'm being overly jealous and immature about it. He thinks he should be able to be friends with whoever he chooses and I should be OK with it. He says I have no right to ask him to hurt another person in order to make me happy. I don't know where you're from, what cultural influence you have, it's never acceptable for a married man to "hang out" with another woman alone. Why can't he bring you? If you're busy, why can't he hang out with his guy friends? Why can't he hang out in a group? It doesn't take a scientist to figure out that something could very possibly happen when a man who hang out with a woman, especially when they hooked up before. If it bothers you so much and he still does it, what does that say about him? How much value does he put in his marriage with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 If a married couple is separated, and talking about divorcing, and one partner gets involved in a relationship with a third party - is that cheating? If you're talking about divorcing you're still married. If you're still married that's cheating. The ex left and filed for legal separation. Then I discovered she had a boyfriend she'd met seven months before she left. She ultimately moved him in with her and my two youngest daughters. Upon discovery I promptly counter-filed for divorce. I lived like a monk for over two years until the divorce was final and I was no longer married! Link to post Share on other sites
yippkiyay Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I pretty much feel like the title of marrage when you r seperated is just legal paperwork that tkes forever to be finalized. If you guys are spereated and not living to gether. It's not cheating. May be legally it is. But in reality its not. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I pretty much feel like the title of marrage when you r seperated is just legal paperwork that tkes forever to be finalized. If you guys are spereated and not living to gether. It's not cheating. May be legally it is. But in reality its not.Until you're divorced, there's always a chance of reconciliation. Case in point, this thread. But now they not only have to deal with whatever problems caused them to separate in the first place, they also have to deal with one of them having a relationship with someone else. Always better to end one thing before we begin another. One relationship at a time works best for most people. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Does your wife consider separate vacations a separation? After all, for the time you're neither together nor living together. Perhaps your value system is closer to hers than you care to admit. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I think it depends on what the separation was like. In his head he may have truly believed it was over. I don't think it's cheating then. I think it's good to move on when it's over. If she was the reason he decided to believe it was over then that is another thing entirely. Personally I'd file for divorce. I'd tell him the marriage is now over especially since he's still in contact with her. Too bad for him if he can't have his cake and eat it too. But he made a choice and he's still making the choice to keep her in his life. His actions cause you pain. If you can get past it then you're a better person than I am. But I think it's completely wrong and disrespectful of him to act like a king with no cares in the world. I wouldn't tolerate it. I'd call a lawyer. Tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 people have different attitudes towards separation and it is very important that you make clear which path you are taking. if somebody thinks that separation without divorce is a chance to get back together then you have to make clear to them that it is not. I know people that find the actual procedure of divorce very traumatic because of family issues (coming from a broken home, etc) therefore took ages to finalise the 'paperwork' and spent years separated. however, they moved on fully, did not want to get back together with their spouses and weren't leading anyone on. I think that's acceptable behaviour. situation of OP is not so clearcut though, this is confusing and there has to be a decision on both sides to move on and work on the marriage in a committed way, without outside influence. Link to post Share on other sites
rs.dallaire Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I don't have much of an opinion as to whether it was cheating or not. If the two of you were apart with no talks about reconciliation, he was free to do whatever he wanted. However, now that you are trying to work things out, for him to still hang out with someone he was intimate with isn't very appropriate and it shows very poor judgment on his part. I think he is just stringing her along in case things don't work out with you. The big issue in doing this is that a new fresh relationship is always more appealing than fixing an old one. As long as she's around, his mind won't be clear. There are some exceptionally open people for whom remaining friends is not a big deal but in my experience, there's always something fishy about people who act like this. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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