MrKent Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 There seems to be a lot of us out there. Typical of us men, I guess... you never know what you had until it is gone. I am looking for some helpful advice as to how I can get back the one I had. So here we go... I was with this woman for nearly two years. We lived together for a year in the middle of the relationship. We split up initially in March because I was not sure if I wanted more children. I have two from a previous marriage and my now ex has none of her own. So she moves out in March and about three days after I let her know that I was reconsidering having children with her and we quickly picked up right where we left off, only she had her own place and I had mine. Since then I have twice wondered about having children to her and that caused the last six month of our relationship to be very up and down. She finally called it quits on September 23. Now I have been a daily marijuana user for the past 15 years, Sept. 24 is the last time I used. It freaked me out. I went into panic mode and got on my bike and rode over to her house, to spy. I got paranoid and figured she met somebody else or that she never truly loved me. The next morning, when the smoke cleared (pardon the pun) I realized that I had to quit. So I did, cold turkey, it sucked, it made the depression around the break up even harder to deal with. So I have been thinking clear headed for the first time in over a decade and a half. The more clearly I am thinking the more I am realizing that I do want to have children and that I do love this woman with all of my heart. I have been doing daily journaling, visiting a psychologist once weekly, and doing some of Dr. Phil's life strategies workbooks. All of this clear headed self-discovery has made me see once and for all that I was with the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but was too stoned to realize it. I met with her on my 10th day sober, that was the last time I talked with her, I told her of my newly found sobriety and how I feel about her. How I love her and want us to have a family together. She cried and cried and cried and all she really said was, "Not enough time has passed." She told me that she wants me to go and live my life and focus on myself and my two boys. I asked her if she ever saw us together again and she responded, "I still feel like I made the right decision." I responded by saying something like, "So never in a million years?" she said, "Is that what you want me to say?" I said, I want you to tell me the truth and if that is it yes. She said, "I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what happens in 6 months, a year, or ten years, just not enough time has passed." With that we ended the conversation, the last words she said to me was "go live your life." I have since then not spoken to her, only put in her mailbox the birthday present I got for her, she sent a very short but nice thank you email and that has been it. My thought was this, as I am working through these Dr. Phil assignments and with my shrink and my journaling I was planning on rewriting it in story form and then in about a month or two from now give her the story. The story of how I quit grass and changed many things in my life that she tried to tell me about but I just refused to believe at the time. She also said when we last met, ten days after the split, that it has been horrible for her too, that she misses me and my boys and that I am very important to her, she said not only did I loose my boyfriend here, I lost my best friend too. She said I care about all three of you so much. She never said I love you, she has been very guarded about giving me any hope. I believe she is protecting herself by doing that. I think there is still a chance there. So what do I do next? Continue to leave her alone? Continue the path of self-improvement and then show up one day all shiny and new, hand her the journal/story and say here is some reading I think you will enjoy and then walk away and see what happens. I have also learned that since we have split up she has done nothing. She does not have a lot of friends, only one really and she confirmed for me that my old girlfriend has gone to work, her college classes, her moms house and the video store since we broke up. She basically sits in her house, nothing more. Part of me thinks that is a good thing for me, part of me worries about her. All I know is I want to build a new relationship with her, based on all the went right the first time after taking the time to correct and get on the same page about the things that went wrong. I do not want to continue the old relationship, I want a new one with an old girlfriend... What should I do next? Link to post Share on other sites
freckles3131 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I think when she told you to go on living your life, she meant it. What I mean is, I think not enough time has gone by. If I were her, I'd need a good year of you living your life in this new way to be convinced it is going to stick and you are serious. Alot of times people, out of desperation to get someone back will go to great lengths to "change" so I don't think she is feeling secure in the "new you" just yet. Also, from a female perspective....the one thing that will push me away the hardest and for good is the Ex "bugging me/bothering me/not respecting my wishes/need for space" and I will tell you once we are pushed away because of those things...there is no going back (10% chance....or less) If someone asks for breathing room, better give it to them or your doomed. (I'm a 41 yr. old, so I speak from an experienced life view) Seriously, if you are "seeing the light" then you should be looking at the world with the view of doing this for YOU and for your children....if the two of you are meant to be...it will be...but give her that space. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...TRUST me! If a guy didn't heed my wishes for now, it would make me close off to him. She told you she misses you.....she is scared, needs space, needs to believe...right now it's not there. but, with time...it might be. If you are running to her saying, "Look at me! I'm the new and improved guy! She might think you are partially doing it just for her...." Link to post Share on other sites
foolednm Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Freckles, I am in a similar situation and your advice (below) has really shown me that I had been doing everything wrong, I kept trying to see her, call her, email her, show her how much I love her, and she actually has told me that I am pressuring her but I kept trying because I want her back so badly. If what you say is true, then it's no wonder that she doesn't want me back. Here is your posting. I think when she told you to go on living your life, she meant it. What I mean is, I think not enough time has gone by. If I were her, I'd need a good year of you living your life in this new way to be convinced it is going to stick and you are serious. Alot of times people, out of desperation to get someone back will go to great lengths to "change" so I don't think she is feeling secure in the "new you" just yet. Also, from a female perspective....the one thing that will push me away the hardest and for good is the Ex "bugging me/bothering me/not respecting my wishes/need for space" and I will tell you once we are pushed away because of those things...there is no going back (10% chance....or less) If someone asks for breathing room, better give it to them or your doomed. (I'm a 41 yr. old, so I speak from an experienced life view) Seriously, if you are "seeing the light" then you should be looking at the world with the view of doing this for YOU and for your children....if the two of you are meant to be...it will be...but give her that space. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...TRUST me! If a guy didn't heed my wishes for now, it would make me close off to him. She told you she misses you.....she is scared, needs space, needs to believe...right now it's not there. but, with time...it might be. If you are running to her saying, "Look at me! I'm the new and improved guy! She might think you are partially doing it just for her...." Link to post Share on other sites
devastatedagain Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Kent, I wish I knew what to tell you, as I am in the same boat - another guy trying to start a new relationship with an old woman. I can tell you one thing, giving up is not an option..... Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I am in the same position but, on the other end of the spectrum. I decided to end a relationship with a guy so he could "go live his own life". Now I have realized that I still love the guy and would be interested in starting over again if he has pulled himself together. As for advice from my position, it sounds like you have changed your life for the better. Which is great, keep doing what you are doing. I would wait a while, like a year of your new found life and then contact her if you still feel the same way. Tell her how you feel, what you would like and how you would like to go about that. Then the hard part just walk away and let her decided. If it doesn't work out, then at least you know you made a good effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 If you are running to her saying, "Look at me! I'm the new and improved guy! She might think you are partially doing it just for her...." A few things that I have learned 1) you can never tell a girl you have changed.. you have to live that change before they can trust you. 2) ex GF will usually call back in to see how you are doing. usually out of guilt. However, you can try to use that opportunity to get back together. The weird thing is you have to act busy and like you are on top of the world and don't need her. 3) never beg or asked a girl to get back together with you.. it will make you look, poor, needy and pathetic. 4) Life is a journey.. enjoy all the ups and downs of it because there is never any going back. never regret anything. 5) never treat anyone as a priority in your like that only sees you as a option. please take these all into consideration.. give her space dont call her dont contact her and make her wonder about you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
freckles3131 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 2 cents from a 40 yr. old woman....(in bold) A few things that I have learned 1) you can never tell a girl you have changed.. you have to live that change before they can trust you. YES! You need to speak with ACTIONS, not words. You can tell them how you feel once, then go LIVE, GROW, CHANGE..... 2) ex GF will usually call back in to see how you are doing. usually out of guilt. However, you can try to use that opportunity to get back together. The weird thing is you have to act busy and like you are on top of the world and don't need her. They will also call to see if they still have you and if you are still someone on their "list"...and ego boost if you will... 3) never beg or asked a girl to get back together with you.. it will make you look, poor, needy and pathetic. YES! As I was saying above.....and from a woman's perspective..it's nauseating.....and it will make me get over you faster than you can say boo. Let me know you still love me, miss me etc...then leave it ALONE...give me room to breathe, think and MISS YOU!! Don't shove it down our throat.4 4) Life is a journey.. enjoy all the ups and downs of it because there is never any going back. never regret anything. You will have regrets for not showing your self-worth...people want to be with someone that has some element of self-worth and how much self-worth are you displaying by being needy, pathetic and groveling...? 5) never treat anyone as a priority in your like that only sees you as a option. YES!! Read 3 and 4 above... please take these all into consideration.. give her space dont call her dont contact her and make her wonder about you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
freckles3131 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Freckles, I am in a similar situation and your advice (below) has really shown me that I had been doing everything wrong, I kept trying to see her, call her, email her, show her how much I love her, and she actually has told me that I am pressuring her but I kept trying because I want her back so badly. If what you say is true, then it's no wonder that she doesn't want me back. " Pressuring her= BAD. RESPECT what she is saying.....LISTEN to it....or she will get pissed off and lose all desire.....Show your self-worth....woman need a real man, not someone who is desperate and needy. Show her you love her by respecting her and her honesty....."she told me I was pressuring her" Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Make a list about yourself that you want to make better For example: 1) dont call her 2) get into shape (get a 6 pack) 3) buy new clothes 4) learn something new (ie play guitar) Link to post Share on other sites
yippkiyay Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Its so hard to give space but this may be a time where only time can heal. You can only do things now to push her away. Rent Swingers. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts