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Emergency!!! Meeting the ex tomorrow!


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Emergency!!! Meeting the ex tomorrow!

Ok, to summarize: 4 year relationship, we're both 26, and she left after we had a couple of arguments about her going out with her friends all the time (you've heard similar stories before...I was being too clingy and too little attractive) She left last year for five months (I was taking her for granted, not having sex with her, etc...) but we still lived together and hung out all the time. We solved those problems and then this comes up ONE WEEK PRIOR TO PROPOSAL TO MARRIAGE!!! This time its different as she no longer lives with me and we rarely see each other (she calls me a few times a week to chat). Its now been 2 months since breakup. When she first left she said she still loved me and wanted to marry me, just not right now.

 

SHE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE 2 WEEKS AFTER SHE LEFT.

 

Last week we run into each other at the bar and shes drunk. She asks who I've been seeing and I tell her I don't want to tell her as she will think that something was going on while we were together. She says "Tell me or I will never talk to you again." So, I tell her and just as I had expected, she FLIPS OUT. She tells me to never call her again, leaves the table, and comes back and shoves her chest against me so I spill my beer. She says to lose her #, etc... My buddy and I leave the bar and go to my car. She follows us out and says to never contact her or her family again, to pack up her stuff and she will pick it up later. She goes on about how she knew I was seeing her while we were together, how she is happy with the new guy, and lists all the complaints that she has about me (some valid, most not). She screams and curses, opens my car door and sits on the pavement. She continues to yell at me, cry, etc.. and says that she hopes I will go home and cry cuz thats what she has been doing for the last 3 weeks. I am perfectly calm and understanding. Give her cigarettes, drinks of my pop, and napkins to blow her nose (she was bawling). My buddy is sitting in the car trying to back me up but it doesn't work...he says that he hopes that we will get back together again and she says, "That will never happen!!!" ONE HOUR LATER, I try my best to comfort her and she eventually comes around. She apologizes and leaves. I don't return a text message that she sends the next day but the following day she calls and I return it (I didn't want to be too much of an ass but i didn't want her to think that the behavior she was exhibiting was acceptable, either).

 

Ok, now we are meeting tomorrow as I am helping her schedule her classes. I don't know why the new guy can't help her but I don't really care. I LOVE this girl and would love to start to work on our issues. I know there is no quick fix as we both have some major issues to work out.

 

For the last two months I have focused solely on making myself better (lost 35 pounds, jog daily, got into grad school, promotion at work, meeting new people, going on dates, etc... My ducks are finally lining up. THERE HAS BEEN NO CHEATING, MAJOR LYING, ETC.. ON EITHER SIDE!

 

I have not brought us up in conversations or anything since the very first two weeks. I have pretended to be perfectly happy about everything!!! I tell her I am happy for her with regards to her new relationship and that "I would rather you be happy with someone else than be miserable with me." She always says she wasn't miserable with me, just not happy. She still has everything she owns at my house except everyday clothes. I don't care as it isn't in my way.

 

OK, NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: What in the hell do I do tomorrow when we meet? I want her back but haven't really been showing it. That is, no clinginess, no crying, no emotions, no saying I Love You, no neediness, acting like everything is great (I LEARNED ALL THIS FROM HERE EARLY ON, THANKS GUYS (ESP. GUNNY). I have been friendly but do not contact unless she contacts first.

ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!!

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You want the honest truth? She thought you were being clingy for giving her what she wanted I presume.

 

I'd call her tomorrow 2 hours before the "meeting" and cancel. Tell her something came up and be vague about it, but stick to it. The sit back and go on with your life. I strongly believe that NOTHING good can come from this meeting.

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You want the honest truth? She thought you were being clingy for giving her what she wanted I presume.

 

I'd call her tomorrow 2 hours before the "meeting" and cancel. Tell her something came up and be vague about it, but stick to it. The sit back and go on with your life. I strongly believe that NOTHING good can come from this meeting.

 

Thank you four taking the time to respond. She never said I was being clingy. I discovered it after analyzing the relationship. She thought I was being controlling and jealous. Both are fairly accurate. I am no longer like this with her and with all of the reading, interactions with friends, etc...I will NEVER be that way again. I was insecure about our relationship and myself.

 

As far as the meeting goes, it's to help her get her classes scheduled and stuff. Even if her and I never get back together again, I want to do this last thing for her. Some people see this as being a doormat but I truly want the best for her. I am beyond the whole "Oh my god I need her" and more like...she is a preference...I love her and would like to possibly work on our issues. If not, I will be fine. I just don't want to give up on the possibility of us...yet. At the same time by life is not on hold and I am OUT THERE making myself better.

 

Any suggestions as to if I should just continue to play it cool and friendly? I really don't think spilling my heart out will do any good but maybe light and friendly talking about how I would like to give it a try in the future?

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Well she obviously has some strong feelings for you. I think after you help her, be nice, make sure you ask if she wants anything and order something for her, pay. It looks like you both made mistakes in the past, like you said you were denying her sexual intimacy, that had to have really hurt her and I could see why she would turn away.

At the end of the meeting, I would ask her if she would like to go out for dinner on Friday or whenever. State a definite date, not just "sometime." If she says "yes" then call her the night before the date, and pick her up, treat her nicely, etc. I think if you want to date her again you pretty much should start all over and put the bad stuff in the past behind you. Don't talk about any guys she was seeing or girls you were seeing while you were broken up, that only brings up hurt feelings and anger.

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Well she obviously has some strong feelings for you. I think after you help her, be nice, make sure you ask if she wants anything and order something for her, pay. It looks like you both made mistakes in the past, like you said you were denying her sexual intimacy, that had to have really hurt her and I could see why she would turn away.

 

Thank you for responding Hazy - The refusing sexual intimacy issues were in the 1st 2.5 years... We broke up for five months, continued to work on our issues and solved all the ones up to that point. We got back together and were together for about a year when new issues surfaced (I was being controlling and a little jealous...wanting to spend all of my free time with her). I caught her in a lie about a guy that called...no cheating occurred...she just didn't want me to THINK that cheating occurred...I verified her story as she did in fact lie to me... After a few arguments about my controlling and jealousy, she had enough and left. After two weeks she started seeing a new guy and is still seeing him. She says shes happy with him but the whole thing at the bar made me question this. If she is TRULY happy, I will happily walk away knowing she is in good hands.. . If not, I would like to pursue her (in a non-pursing way).

 

At the end of the meeting, I would ask her if she would like to go out for dinner on Friday or whenever. State a definite date, not just "sometime." If she says "yes" then call her the night before the date, and pick her up, treat her nicely, etc. I think if you want to date her again you pretty much should start all over and put the bad stuff in the past behind you. Don't talk about any guys she was seeing or girls you were seeing while you were broken up, that only brings up hurt feelings and anger.

 

Thank you, I will keep all of this in mind! I don't want to hurt her, for sure.

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A on and off relationship will continue to be that way unless you both learn how to communicate effectively. You two are still playing mind games, you by being distant to pull her in, and her acting like a child. When you do this, you have no security in the relationship.

 

The only way this is going to get resolved is a marriage counselor, if you two are serious enough about each other. Going into a marriage or even proposing will complicate things by ten-fold without starting to work on these issues.

 

Getting her back now is not a guarantee that things will be good forever. Future behavior is usually an indicator by past behavior.

 

As for meeting her today, just be her friend. If she starts to talk about things, don't interupt her, let her talk. The biggest thing about communication is the ability to LISTEN. When she talks, respond with 'I understand'. This will put down her defenses and allow her to open upto you more. You will have to bite your toungue when she talks, because if you start to tell her on why she shouldn't feel a certain way, the only thing that will do is push her away.

 

At some point in time you have to ask yourself whether this is worth it and what are you really getting out of this relationship.

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A on and off relationship will continue to be that way unless you both learn how to communicate effectively. You two are still playing mind games, you by being distant to pull her in, and her acting like a child. When you do this, you have no security in the relationship.

 

I can totally see where you are coming from. I have been playing mind games with her but it was not only to pull her back in but to protect myself should things not get better. My mind games consisted of pretending to be perfectly happy, not calling her frequently, no emotions, etc... I never lied to her (except the being happy....but pretending to be happy actually turned me happy...or it was a part of it). It was my odd way of not pushing her. I am happy for her if she is happy with someone else... This was not how I felt for the first few weeks of break up...but I have learned to live without her. Obviously, I would prefer that we get back together.

 

The only way this is going to get resolved is a marriage counselor, if you two are serious enough about each other. Going into a marriage or even proposing will complicate things by ten-fold without starting to work on these issues.

 

Getting her back now is not a guarantee that things will be good forever. Future behavior is usually an indicator by past behavior.

 

As for meeting her today, just be her friend. If she starts to talk about things, don't interupt her, let her talk. The biggest thing about communication is the ability to LISTEN. When she talks, respond with 'I understand'. This will put down her defenses and allow her to open upto you more. You will have to bite your toungue when she talks, because if you start to tell her on why she shouldn't feel a certain way, the only thing that will do is push her away.

 

At some point in time you have to ask yourself whether this is worth it and what are you really getting out of this relationship.

 

Should we decide to pursue a relationship again, I will 100% push for MC. I have no intentions of asking her to marry me until we get all of these kinks worked out.

 

I was very friendly in our meeting today and it went VERY WELL!!!! It was awkward at first as we haven't seen each other very often. After we started to talk more, we became quite flirtatious and jovial. She kept poking at me like "I'm going to tell whomever you go on dates with that you are flirting with me..." I don't know, it was just very refreshing to have fun with her. We hugged a few times and made random physical contact, as well. It was fun, light, and made me feel GREAT. I know there is no guarantee so I keep my hopes in check. She even called me on my way home about some shows that I had Tivo'd for her (she's going to come over in a few days to watch them and to find her printer paper).

 

It is so odd as she still stays at the new guys place frequently. She told me how she rarely sees him as they work opposite schedules.. I have a small feeling that I am getting strung along should their relationship sour but I don't know.

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Looks like you know whats going on Travis, her and the new guy and her coming over... I wish you the best and i don't want to see a good guy get hurt. Gl bro! =)

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Looks like you know whats going on Travis, her and the new guy and her coming over... I wish you the best and i don't want to see a good guy get hurt. Gl bro! =)

 

Thank you very much loveinlife! I think as long as we stay on good terms; whether as friends or lovers, I will be happy with it. I think some of the hardest parts of breaking up include: the actual rejection, loss of self-confidence, loneliness, accepting them being with someone else, and moving on (probably missed a few). I have over come all of these except the complete moving on...

 

I think my biggest transformation from all of the reading I have done on LS and books that I have read over the last two months is understanding that my happiness is not dependent upon whom I am with but rather upon myself. I am the creator of my own happiness...

 

I am cautiously optimistic about the whole thing...

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