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i pushed her away but was it too far to prevent a second chance?


wieniawskiheifetzz

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wieniawskiheifetzz

[COLOR=black]well ive liked this girl for about a year now and things were going alright. we were best of friends, talked on the phone a lot, joked all the time, and even got to the point where we would get intimate (ie i got to hold her in my arms and such)[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]the thing is, shes rather shy but once she feels comfortable around you, shes not shy at all. so anyways, everytime id touch her and such, shed let me by not rejecting me but she wouldnt respond at all really. like shed let me hold her hand but it would be limp. when wed talk on the phone everything was all laughing and cool but when id see her in person wed still talk and such but i always wanted to try to get more intimate. i figured shes just not responding to play hard to get with me (which she mightve been doing) so anyways, one day it felt like the right time so i turned her head and kissed her. and to my surprise she was kissing me back.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]this is where i probably made my biggest mistake. i figured since she kissed me back, that she [FONT=Verdana]can[/FONT] respond to my pyhsical advances. so i tried to wait for her to come to me since i know that she [FONT=Verdana]could [/FONT]now. well she talked to me like once or twice the week after and without my effort to try to contact her we went 3 weeks without saying anything. once i started talking to her again i kinda snapped at her for why she was acting so cold to me. kind of a bad move but then she forgave me and then we were starting to talk again but things seemed completely different, like i didnt really know her so much anymore. i thought i should wait and try to start things over again and slow but i couldnt wait. ive already waited a year. so i asked her if she wanted to start something slow with me. she said that she was sorry but that i asked at the wrong time because there was a moment back where she thought she might have liked me.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]obviously i was crushed and asked her why and made the mistake of trying to convince her that it was ok to try something with me. she told me that the more she thought about it, the more she couldnt see herself in a relationship with me or anyone for that matter (shes never been in a relationship before) but asked me if we could just be friends. then i dug myself even deeper. i got somewhat angry and started to assume things about her life. that she was afraid of trying things new and starting a relationship with me and i got angry because i thought that she let our friendship die when i was waiting for her to contact me. well she obviously got pissed off and told me to stop assuming things about her life. she said shed know when shes ready for a relationship when the feelings are mutual. she also told me that after i kissed her she didnt feel like starting a relationship with me. well of course i apologized and i told her how depressed i was about other things and such and how i released my anger out on her. and miraculously, she still asked if i wanted to be her friend still. well i figured that our friendship was one-sided anyways since i felt like i was doing all the work (i now realize that really wasnt the case) so i told her look if you wanna keep this friendship, then youre gonna have to work at it cause im tired of trying to make it work.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]well we dont talk for like 2-3 weeks and i was getting happier without her. then out of the blue she asks me how things are going with me and hows my summer. i figure that she really cared about me or our friendship at least because even though i gave her bull**** she still wanted to see how i was. well i told her that things were great and i was busy doing all sorts of stuff and told her about it. well then a few days later we hang out with some of our friends and at the movie theatre i couldnt help myself. i tried to see if things were getting better. so i grabbed her arm once while i was talking to her and she told me to please stop. after that i told her id give her her space and thats where i am now[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]this is how i figure it all and why i want to know if im worth a second chance or not. after some thought i realized that she is an amazing person because she was able to forgive me after all of that. i also realize that i may have pressured her too much too soon and that the 3 weeks i abandonded her didnt help. i never really truely took things into her perspective. i need to give her her own space and quit smothering her. judging from talking to her friends i think that she really liked me before and that i hurt her a lot with my bad timing. i dont want to force her to be my friend or to like me again but i just want a second chance to do things right because i really believe that she is worth fighting for. even if shes not ready for a relationship with anyone, should i try to convince her that i can be her first boyfriend? we used to get along great and i really think we have a shot if i do things right. should i just give her her space for a while and see what happens? i really think she liked me before and if time can heal things then we can get back to what we used to be but even better since i understand things better now. thanks for reading all of this and for any advice you have[/COLOR]

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well ive liked this girl for about a year now and things were going alright. we were best of friends, talked on the phone a lot, joked all the time, and even got to the point where we would get intimate (ie i got to hold her in my arms and such)

 

you're in her 'friend zone'

 

the thing is, shes rather shy but once she feels comfortable around you, shes not shy at all. so anyways, everytime id touch her and such, shed let me by not rejecting me but she wouldnt respond at all really. like shed let me hold her hand but it would be limp.

 

that's because she probably enjoys having you around as a friend, nothing more. she let you hold her hand because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by outwardly rejecting you and she probably doesn't want to lose the friendship because of all the good qualities you bring to her life (you make her laugh and give her attention/affection that her makes her feel better about herself).

 

when wed talk on the phone everything was all laughing and cool but when id see her in person wed still talk and such but i always wanted to try to get more intimate. i figured shes just not responding to play hard to get with me (which she mightve been doing) so anyways, one day it felt like the right time so i turned her head and kissed her. and to my surprise she was kissing me back.

 

dude she's just not attracted to you like you are to her. she probably kissed back to make it less awkward, or to see if she could see herself feeling more attracted to you.

 

this is where i probably made my biggest mistake. i figured since she kissed me back, that she can respond to my physical advances. so i tried to wait for her to come to me since i know that she could now. well she talked to me like once or twice the week after and without my effort to try to contact her we went 3 weeks without saying anything.

 

of course she can respond to your advances, but the thing is she hasn't and isn't. she's just not that attracted to you. if she was, she would have been contacting you more, not less, after the kiss.

 

once i started talking to her again

 

keep in mind that you started the contact again because it had been weeks and she wasn’t contacting you

 

i kinda snapped at her for why she was acting so cold to me.

 

sounds to me like you actually started to stand up for yourself. good for you.

 

kind of a bad move but then she forgave me

 

but nope, then you backed down, backtracked and apologized.

 

and then we were starting to talk again but things seemed completely different, like i didnt really know her so much anymore.

 

that's because her perception of you steadily changed. she saw you as a wuss the more you showed her that you cared more about her approval and not offending her than you did about standing up for yourself.

 

i thought i should wait and try to start things over again and slow but i couldnt wait. ive already waited a year. so i asked her if she wanted to start something slow with me.

 

what you should have been thinking about instead was the fact that she's still distant towards you after a year, which should tell you she doesn't want you as a boyfriend.

 

she said that she was sorry but that i asked at the wrong time because there was a moment back where she thought she might have liked me. obviously i was crushed

 

that’s just girl talk for she's sorry she can't make herself feel attracted to you because she knows you're letting it crush you and that makes her feel insensitive and mean.

 

i asked her why and made the mistake of trying to convince her that it was ok to try something with me. she told me that the more she thought about it, the more she couldnt see herself in a relationship with me or anyone for that matter (shes never been in a relationship before) but asked me if we could just be friends.

 

bottom line is she admitted she doesn't want a relationship with you. the stuff about not seeing herself with anyone else is just sugar coating as she doesn't want you to take the rejection personally. she asked to stay friends to try to be nice. often times girls want to keep guys they know are attracted to them around, even if they have no intentions of ever dating them, because it makes them feel more attractive. in other words, it feels good to be desired.

 

then i dug myself even deeper. i got somewhat angry and started to assume things about her life. that she was afraid of trying things new and starting a relationship with me and i got angry because i thought that she let our friendship die when i was waiting for her to contact me. well she obviously got pissed off and told me to stop assuming things about her life.

 

stop apologizing for standing up for yourself. it's weak and submissive, not qualities that girls want in a boyfriend. you're making it acceptable for her to get mad at you but unacceptable for you to get mad at her because you’re putting her on a pedestal and absorbing all the blame. she got angry because you pointed out the truth - that she was letting the friendship die - and this made her feel like a bad friend.

 

she said shed know when shes ready for a relationship when the feelings are mutual. she also told me that after i kissed her she didnt feel like starting a relationship with me. well of course i apologized and i told her how depressed i was about other things and such and how i released my anger out on her.

 

there you go apologizing yet again, putting her feelings over yours, trying to win her approval, and losing her respect and whatever attraction she may have had for you even more.

 

and miraculously, she still asked if i wanted to be her friend

 

that's because you're willing to give in and validate her, even when she's wrong, and pretty much do anything and everything to keep her happy because you want her to like you.

 

what you need to realize is that a girl can be angry with you but still feel attracted to you because they are two separate emotions. if anything, the feelings can increase each other.

 

while you might think disagreeing with her and calling her on her **** will turn her off or make her hate you, as long as you stay calm and confident in your opinion, doing those things can make her feel more attracted to you because you're an independent, self-assured man she can respect.

 

well i figured that our friendship was one-sided anyways since i felt like i was doing all the work (i now realize that really wasnt the case) so i told her look if you wanna keep this friendship, then youre gonna have to work at it cause im tired of trying to make it work. well we dont talk for like 2-3 weeks and i was getting happier without her. then out of the blue she asks me how things are going with me and hows my summer.

 

notice when you cut your losses and let her go, she came poking around again? that’s because you were being less desperate. this peaked her curiosity. she contacted you to test the waters to see if she could still have you if she wanted. not because she actually wants you. she doesn’t. she just likes knowing that you still want her and that she could still have you if she wanted.

 

i figure that she really cared about me or our friendship at least because even though i gave her bull**** she still wanted to see how i was.

 

no she cares about feeling good, which is what she feels when you treat her like she can do no wrong and beg for her forgiveness. she still wanted to see how you were to see if she could still have things that way.

 

well i told her that things were great and i was busy doing all sorts of stuff and told her about it. well then a few days later we hang out with some of our friends and at the movie theatre i couldnt help myself. i tried to see if things were getting better. so i grabbed her arm once while i was talking to her and she told me to please stop. after that i told her id give her her space and thats where i am now

 

at least you know now with certainty that she doesn’t want you touching her. at this point all you can do is go out and find a different girl who actually wants your hands on her.

 

this is how i figure it all and why i want to know if im worth a second chance or not. after some thought i realized that she is an amazing person because she was able to forgive me after all of that. i also realize that i may have pressured her too much too soon and that the 3 weeks i abandonded her didnt help.

 

with that mentality a second chance is not only unlikely, but fleeting if it did somehow happen. she would just lose interest again when she sees you’re still taking the blame all the time, always giving in to her side, and being overly apologetic.

 

i never really truely took things into her perspective. i need to give her her own space and quit smothering her. judging from talking to her friends i think that she really liked me before and that i hurt her a lot with my bad timing. i dont want to force her to be my friend or to like me again but i just want a second chance to do things right because i really believe that she is worth fighting for. even if shes not ready for a relationship with anyone, should i try to convince her that i can be her first boyfriend?

 

no, attraction doesn’t work that way. its not based on logic or reasoning. its based on emotion. since she doesn’t feel attracted to you, no amount of logical persuasion will convince her that you two should be together. think of it this way, it’s like her trying to talk you into not being attracted to her.

 

we used to get along great and i really think we have a shot if i do things right. should i just give her her space for a while and see what happens?

 

yeah give her space and focus on improving yourself. learn to reconnect with who you were before you met her and know that life goes on with or without her. rebuild your confidence. concentrate on demanding more respect for yourself and apologizing less for your feelings. only be willing to work out problems when the other person is willing to meet you half way. know that in the end you are the only person you can depend on and that nothing lasts forever, but that as long as you stay true to yourself, it's only a matter of time until you find someone worth your time.

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wieniawskiheifetzz

thanks for the good advice eric

 

i know youre right, but there just something in me that doesnt want to just cut my losses again. ive done it before but if i always do it, then whats the point of even trying or fighting for something.

 

i really get what i was doing wrong and how i caved in to her needs and became submissive. i know what i was doing wrong

 

i just wanna know if she could ever like me again like she used to. when i say i want a second chance im not planning on anything happening. i just want to be myself again but this time more independent and not desperate. and if she likes me thats cool, but if she doesnt i guess i have to face the facts. i just want to know if she can like me again.

 

to be honest with you i dont think she was just saying that she mightve liked me before just to not hurt my feelings. i think she actually did like me before.

 

and i really think she was not responding to me cause shes just a shy person and never had anyone do that to her before.

 

its hard for me just to let go, you know?

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Man I know how hard it is to let go of someone you really care about. I'm still struggling with that myself.

 

The point is the first time you cut your loses with her and she got your attention just to give you the cold shoulder again should prove to you that she’s just not that into you.

 

You should leave it be for now because you know that you’ve done more than your share of trying to make things work. You’re acknowledging and learning from your mistakes and really that’s all you can do. It's time for you two to part ways.

 

Meanwhile, try not to cling to the hope that she might come back. I doubt she will and even if she does, it'll probably be for the wrong reasons and thus it won't last.

 

You see since you’re so attracted to her, you're thinking she’s more amazing than she really is. She’s only human. She makes mistakes too. She's also contributed to things turning out the way they did. Stop making excuses for her.

 

I know what it’s like to put in more effort than I should have and to blame myself too much for things falling apart because I’ve done that in the past too. But what I’ve come to realize is that putting a girl on a pedestal and not standing up for yourself enough just works against you because it positions her to look down on you. Of course it’s difficult to stay attracted to someone who doesn’t demand your respect.

 

But if you still don’t quite know what I mean, acknowledge this:

 

Her reservations have nothing to do with her being shy or nervous. A year has gone by and you said so yourself she’s become comfortable around you. She knows you're there. If by the time you noticed she was loosening up but still being distant, it wasn’t because she still needed time to think, it was because she wasn’t feeling attracted to you enough to want to be with you.

 

You might also be wondering why she let you touch her hand, why she kissed back, and how these things don’t indicate that she was giving you a chance. It’s because she was flirting with the idea of what it would be like to be your girlfriend, not because she ever wanted to be, but because her knowing with certainty that you wanted her made her feel beautiful and needed. This also helped confirm that you were an option if her feelings happen to change in the future, even though they probably won't.

 

Think of it this way. When girls are really into you, they don’t need time to think about it or try to find reasons to be with you. They just know right away because they feel it. Attraction is emotional, not logical. Emotions are also why we can make self-defeating excuses for those we care about, are attracted to, love, without realizing it at the time.

 

Even the most 'innocent' and coy girls who might give the impression that they're afraid of getting hurt or being seen as a slut will jump your bones quicker than you’d think if they're really into you. It's not a matter of convincing them to feel attracted. When she's into you, she'll do things she never thought she'd do (even dirty things :cool:).

 

And about wanting to fight for her, that can only apply if she loves you (which sorry to say it, she doesn’t) and if she was meeting you at least half way.

 

Remember, anyone who doesn’t put in their share of effort into starting and keeping a relationship isn’t worth being in a relationship with.

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wieniawskiheifetzz

thanks for your input again eric. youre right again and i guess i really needed someone from an objective standpoint to slap some reality in my face.

 

i just dont know where to go from here. i know i was always just an option to her and i was convinced for a while that she mightve thought more of me other than just testing the waters to see if she might like me or not.

 

the thing is that she was my best friend too. i trusted her. she was there to listen to me and i was there to listen to her. me liking her ruined our friendship but i dont know if i want our friendship anymore. its hard to let go of that platonic bond too. for whatever reason she might have (maybe just for her own self interest so that she doesnt feel bad) i think that she wants to be my friend again and i dont know how i would handle that.

 

this is how i figure it. if i forget about her as a romantic interest, i would be back to my normal carefree self and even better than before. and if she wants to be friends with me still, shed see how ive become what i was before and perhaps may like me for similar reasons she mightve thought before (though im not banking on it). if that turns out to be the case, i dont know how id deal with that situation. if i finally let go and she comes back to me for legitimate reasons, is it really worth me putting any effort in again? i know this would probably not happen, but i just like to be prepared for all scenarios.

 

on the other side if i just forget about her altogether, then it would feel like ive lost more than just some girl i liked. it would hurt me more because she was a friend and i cant just let all of that go.

 

i know its bad for me to think in the future but i guess its theraputic for me to say whats on my mind anyways. i should stop worrying about it all though. what happened, happened. and what will happen i'll deal with when it gets there. if she ends up liking me (for the right reasons) and i still like her, great. if not, i'll just try to take it. but now i'll just focus on me again and live in the present. thanks for the advice again.

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