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Needs space, but she keeps contacting


heartoutside

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heartoutside

So after she told me that she needed some time and some space and that she was confused and need to figure things out 3 weeks ago 4 Days into it, she calls and tells me she loves me and misses me. 3 weeks later, while I was on a week vacation and I thought she would have taken some time away from US, she sent me a text just about every day. But since the breakup/space she has either called me or sent me a text almost every day. When she called, she didn't want to get off the phone. And when she does call, she's always outside walking somewhere by herself (so her friends, or roommate won't know she's talking to me I guess).

Then there's myspace (which I can't stand, it's relationship crack). She's taken some pictures of us down, but has keep some up, I"m still her number one friend. She will also send me little videos every once and a while.

She needs space, why isn't she taking it?!? Do I just do the NC thing? I've gotten suggestions, that if she calls then I talk to her, but otherwise, let her be.

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Hey Heart,

 

After a few failed attempts at pleading and begging(which im not proud of):sick:, Morning and night texting, Goodnight phone calls from both of us i decided it was time to ask where we were headed. It was not in my favor. She needed time and space and had become content doing her own thing. We were together 2 and a half years and living together. She said that she had time to think and that her new life did not include me as her boyfriend. All of a sudden, we were like best friends when we were together.

 

 

After that call and after once again laying it all out there i was done emotionally. I felt a release that i did not think was possible since i was so miserable without her. I decided not to contact her further despite her request to continue some sort of friendship,typical stuff. I reached the four day mark and was starting to feel better then BAM!! She called. Not once but about four times. I answered on the fourth attempt thinking something might be wrong. She just wnted to see how i was doing. This has been going on for over two months. 90% of the time she is calling me. Anytime something happens to her or her family she calls to share. It happened last night.A couple of weeks back she called me about problems with her new car i mean come on she has two brothers and a father who builds race cars. Yup, she only calls when she is by herself.

 

 

Maybe its regret. How many time have you made a decision and later regreted it. I know that if i hurt someone in a situation like this i would be a bit afraid and unsure. IMHO the calling when alone part shows the need to save face with those around her. Say You made a big decision and everyone you knew knows about it would you not feel uncomfortable around them if you went back on it.I.E. i recently made a big purchase. Prior to it i opened my big mouth and everyone around me knew. I had some doubt at the end but i went thru it anyway because my family and peers would have given me alot of sh**. You need to decide how you want to handle this. Maybe you should pull back a little on the contact. Do not be a jerk just do not let it dominate;however at some point you need to just come out and ask what the deal is. I talk when she calls and i am nice because lets face it i still do love her but i am done chasing. You can only put yourself out there so many times.

 

 

Yeah , myspace i friggen hate it also. It causes so many problems. I have not looked at hers since the break up. I am afraid of what i might find.

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Just move on. tell her you do not want her to email to phone or contact you in any way unless it isa true emergency. maybe not even then. If she had any feeling for you at all she would understand that contact is like salt in the wound. Her contacting you is only her way of validating some control over you.

Now as hard as it is go out and get a life. If you happen to pick up when she calls cut her off short. Something like "OH Hi could you hold on........ Sorry about that I have company. Can I call you back? " Then don't call back!

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heartoutside

Well after sending me a text message almost every day, a mutual friend finally told my ex that she needs to stop. She asked for space, we're broken up and she needs to take it. After he told her that, she sent my 4 messages (all the same thing, something about her taking my clothes by accident). I didn't reply. When i got home from vacation, that night another text, "is everything ok?" It wasn't, she hadn't moved out totally (like she had said she would), the house was kind of a mess, her mail was still coming, the newspaper is still being delievered (it's her subscription). She paid rent for this month, so I guess she can do what she wants. But I would think she would want to be out the house as soon as possible.

A day or 2 later after my return, I get another text asking about her mail "if there was anything important?" I didn't reply that evening, she sent the text again the next morning, and I finally replied with "hi, how are you? there isn't anything important, but I'll let you know." All I got in return was "i'll be forwarding my mail tomorrow." Something she could have done weeks ago.

That night, our mutual friend comes over and he tells me about them hanging out and her getting trashed (which she has been doing a lot lately and isn't something she does at all under normal circumstances, she doesn't have a tolerance at all!). He tells me that he told her to stop with the text messages, and that when I didn't reply to her text messages about the mail, she sent him a text asking if I was mad at her. He wrote back giving her a blunt taste of the truth, that she and I are broken up, that it is over, that we both love each other and that the only way things will work out is if we get back together or if we just go our seperate ways. That right now she needs to leave me alone.

The next morning, I get a call and it's her. She says she has to talk to me, and I ask why? She says until her stuff is out and all her mail starts coming to her new place, she'll have to be in contact with me. Which isn't really true. She doesn't have to call, or she can just call me and tell me that she will be coming over such and such day and getting the rest of her stuff.

I decide to talk to her like a friend of sorts, and ask how things are going, how her 4th went, and what she's been up too. She tells me she went to transforms and that she's going again to see it today with a friend. I ask who the friend is and she says a friend from school. I ask gay or straight; straight. I ask boy or girl; girl. I ask married or single; single. And then I say, "is it "NAME"?" and she says yeah, how did you know? And I tell her, that over the past week or so, this guy has slowly moved up her myspace top friends list, from 18, 16, 12 and now 8.

She asks if I'm mad, and I bluntly say, nah, you can do what you want. We talk a little more, about her cat (which loved me and always missed me when I left) and how the cat loves me still, and misses me and adores me.

Through out the whole conversation, there was a lot of dead silence, she just couldn't say anything, she didn't sound happy at all, and didn't really do much of the talking. She ddin't even really tell me about anything that happened over her 4th (but I knew stuff had happened because of our mutal friends).

Finallly, I just said, "hey listen I've got to go, I'll talk to ya later." She said bye, and I said "Later."

I get off the phone, and my phone beeps. I've got a text message, and its from her. She sent it just before she called saying that until her mail starts to come to her new place and her stuff is out she'll have to be in contact with me. I guess she though i wouldn't reply to the text, or didn't have the patience for me to wait and see if I got the text so she called. Or she just wanted another reason to talk to me (see previous story about her walking to a birthday party and calling me for directions, when she could have called any one of our friends and she ends up talking to me for 40mins.)

SO that's where it's at...... Any advice, or suggestions

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Heart,

 

If there is one big thing i have learned on L/S is keep your mutual friends out of the mix.

 

It is tempting because they can be a good source for info especially in the early stages of the breakup. A couple of points...

 

1. The info you get is probably not going to be what you want to hear and thus will piss you off.

 

2. I am sure your friend only has the best of intentions but are you sure he is not giving her info about you?

 

3. Things are ok now but eventually this will put alot of strain on the relationship between the two of you. He will start to feel like a ping pong ball and only one of you (you or your ex) will win the match. Do not jepardize you relationship.

 

4. This type of communication can be detrimental "IF" you want a reconciliation. Your ex will definetly resent your actions as well as the actions of your mutual friend.

 

Here is an example.....

 

Me and my ex met through her best friend. I just happen to be her husbands best friend.my ex and i were friends for about a year before we dated. I never knew my ex liked me until her best friend got involved. We all got on great together. Vacations, Coktails,holidays, we were both in their wedding.

 

Well, when we split i was totally lost as to what to do. I waited a few weeks and then i went to her best friend. I poured my heart out. She was skeptical at first but after hearing my side of the story she understood that i loved my ex and the reason for the split was extremely fixable. The best friend took it upon herself to get involved with only the best of intentions. The ex was not having it. It only set us back further and created problems between her and the best friend. I put a stop to her involvement in order to save all our friendships and so far things between all of us are good.

 

 

I was desperate and i was grasping to any and everything that might help me get my ex back. I was not thinking with a clear head. My point is that you need to be very careful when friends get involved you may cause undo resentment if they do.

 

 

As far as the other stuff, Like my ex i think yours is trying to keep that hook as firmly planted as possible. I see alot af similarities to my situation(almost scary). Stay aloof like you have been and when you do talk to her keep it light and always seem busy. Heck be busy.

 

Wow, the similarities:eek: just different items left behind.

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heartoutside

I came to that realization about involving friends yesterday. I was just venting to him, but he took it upon himself to tell her to stop. He also feels for me, being a guy, and having just gone through a break as well. But you are right, talking to him or anyone else for that matter won't help the situation, it will only make it worse. The realization of me and my ex getting back together has to be made by her, and only her.

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Good for you man. Fortunatly for you you came to this realization faster than i did.

 

I check out the boards at least once a day or more if i am having a down day. I never thought i would need something like love shack but never say never. If you need to vent vent to me or anyone else that will listen on here. There are alot of wise people here so Keep your friends nuetral.

 

Exactly.... it needs to be her decision alone to reconcile. Balls in her court and at this point you owe her nothing but if she comes back you owe each other the world.

 

No one will love them like we do. I mean how many guys would take the time and effort that we have. Some day they will realize and it will probably be too late. We will have moved on with someone that will benifit from the heartache and lessons we have learned. If they only knew.

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Well, yesterday I kind of lost it. I was doing fine, for a few days, don't know why, I guess knowing that she was going to see a movie with this guy kind put things in perspective for me. But yesterday I was getting ready to go out to the movies with some friends and she called again. This time she was asking if she could come on sunday to get her wall shelves and at first I was like nah, that won't work. But then I said ok, then she asked if I had a drill and i told her I did and she asked if I could charge the battery and again at first I didn't want to so I told her she could use a screw driver. Then I gave in a told her I would charge it.

I talked a little more and asked her how her charity event went the night before. I didn't ask her about her date with the new guy. But I keep it short.

Then while driving over to the movies our mutual friend calls and tells me that my ex called him early in the morning, which she has never done and starts grilling him about his message to her about our relationship. Something that I would like to take as a good sign, at least it's on her mind that this relationship is going to be over and has her worried enough that she feels the need to call him so early in the morning. She also asks him if he told me anything about this new guy, and he says that he doesn't even know this new guy and that he didn't say anything about him to me. He also says that she mentioned that I was grilling her about this new guy (which I kind of was I guess). Then he says that he tells her that I'm looking for closure, which sets me off.

I do ok for most of the night, but by the time the 2nd movie comes on, I start to loose it and I have to leave. I get in my car and text my friend, "how the **** can she look us both in the face and say she isn't anyone else? Or tell me she needs space?"

I know I shouldn't have involved him but I made it clear to him that I don't want him sharing anymore information with me, that I'm going to just vent to him.

But I go over to his place and I vent for a good hour, i spill it all out. That I can't believe that someone who 6 months ago for xmas wrote me a love poem about growing old together, or who couldn't sleep when I was gone because she missed me so much. How anyone can just turn a total 180 from one day to the next and go about it like it's nothing. I'm not sure if she is just hidding her emotions and by going out with this new guy she thinks she can run away from them....I have no clue, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can just walk away from a relationship like this and on the same note do it the way she did it. But telling me to my face 3 different times that she just needs time and space to figure things out, that she's confused and that there isn't anyone else and that she has no intentions of dating anyone, she just needs to be single right now. And to also look me in the face and say that she still feels the same about me it's just the title of girlfriend isn't there right now. Those words exactly.....

 

My friend then tells me that she's changed her myspace friends list. And this is stupid I know, but she moved me from 1 to 3 and this new guy (who 2 weeks ago was 18) from 8 to 5. I haven't changed my page, again I'm worried that any action I take will be seen as out of hate, so my page is just staying as is. BUt what the hell....

 

My biggest worry is I'm just another guy for her. I totally forgot about something that happened when she and I first hooked up until my brother reminded me last week. When we first hooked up, she was kind of involved with this australian guy who lived in australia. The met on the internet I think while she was still dating her last BF or at least shortly after (the relationship was on the rocks at the time anyway and they both wanted out, she even broke up with him on valentine's day). Anyway, she had bought a $2000 ticket to go out and see this guy, and the first night she and I hooked up, while we were sleeping he called her, and she went into the living room and talked to him for 2 hours. I'm starting to think that this new guy is the same thing. A transition guy that turns into a BF. I'm hoping that he's just a straight guy friend, but I know how guys think, and I know how guys react to her, when we were dating she would always get hit on.

 

So now I'm stuck, i'm walking a real thin line right now. I want to blow up at her and tell her that I love her and that the girl I've known for the past 4 years isn't the girl I'm seeing right now. Like our mutual friend said, she hit her head cuz she isn't acting like the patti we know. But if I blow up at her, and tell her everything I vented to my friend last night, I can basically just call it quits with us. I don't know what to do......I know I need to go on with my life, but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking that she'll realize what she's done. All my girlfriends have said that, that eventually, she'll realize the mistake she's made, it may not be a month from now, or 6 months from now, it may be 2 years from now. And all I can think is, "GOD PLEASE, let her realize it soon!"

 

I mean we haven't even been broken up a month, and she really hasn't had real space (because she keeps contacting me) and her stuff is still her, so who knows what's going through her head. Another thing that is kind of strange, is her good college friend broke up with her BF about 5 months ago because he cheated on her. She moved out and what have you. But now they are moving back in together. I'm hoping that this may be a good thing for me. Because i was little worried that my ex having all these girls around her that are just broken up and bitter would be a negative thing. But at the same time, it kind of may be giving me false hopes. It's crazy to think that someone can cheat on someone else and they can still get back together, and then there's my situation where the love was totally there and it was a committed relationship with nothing wrong and BHAM, it's over!

 

frd150, did you live with your ex? Is her stuff still there? Is she seeing someone else? How long have you been broken up?

 

 

That's where I stand, totally lost.........

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Man......

 

Funny i was going to start a new thread for myself but this seems to be a bit more important. I am seriously sitting here with watery eyes. My motorcross buddies would probably kick my A** if they saw me right now. Ok so here it goes.... Sorry i will have to quote your paragaphs.

 

 

 

Well, yesterday I kind of lost it. I was doing fine, for a few days, don't know why, I guess knowing that she was going to see a movie with this guy kind put things in perspective for me. But yesterday I was getting ready to go out to the movies with some friends and she called again. This time she was asking if she could come on sunday to get her wall shelves and at first I was like nah, that won't work. But then I said ok, then she asked if I had a drill and i told her I did and she asked if I could charge the battery and again at first I didn't want to so I told her she could use a screw driver. Then I gave in a told her I would charge it.

I talked a little more and asked her how her charity event went the night before. I didn't ask her about her date with the new guy. But I keep it short.

 

Yeah, i know exactly how you are feeling right now. My house has a loft which has some furniture that belongs to her. I never go up there but there is somthing about having it there that gives me some sort of screwed up hope. She has asked about it as recently as monday. She has something of mine also which she had mentioned in mondays conversation.she had asked me if i was taking care of her stuff and i replied "yes" and she said that she was taking good care of my stuff. She has priviously mentioned that she needed her stuff because she was moving in with friends. The stuff is still there and she still is in the same place with no more mention of moving in with friends and no further request to get the stuff. Lets see if you ex actually shows up to get her stuff. Give her all the tools she needs and make it as easy as possible. If she shows then fine if not her request may have been a way to test your reaction. As far as her extra activities, you do not want to know. All it will do is eat at you. I have the same fears (other guys) but there is nothing we can do. Who is she with, what is she doing, is she thinking of me? This happens mostly when i am alone at home. The solution is to stay busy. I have involved myself in so many things i almost feel guilty because when i was with her it was all about her and no she was not a bi*ch about my activities. I just felt that she was #1 . My bike sat in the garage covered in dirt and it was not from riding my new one ...ah yeah it is quite muddy.

 

 

 

 

 

Then while driving over to the movies our mutual friend calls and tells me that my ex called him early in the morning, which she has never done and starts grilling him about his message to her about our relationship. Something that I would like to take as a good sign, at least it's on her mind that this relationship is going to be over and has her worried enough that she feels the need to call him so early in the morning. She also asks him if he told me anything about this new guy, and he says that he doesn't even know this new guy and that he didn't say anything about him to me. He also says that she mentioned that I was grilling her about this new guy (which I kind of was I guess). Then he says that he tells her that I'm looking for closure, which sets me off.

 

Again ,the friend thing . I will spare you the lashing because i know you cannot control the two of them interacting. Honestly as recentlly as this morning i thought about having a nice lunch with her best friend just to fill her in on where my heads at but i know that this will be counter productive. I still hang with the best friend and her husband but i make no mention of my ex but i am sure it is on her mind. She always asks me how im doing but in sort of a sad way. Ask your friend to tell her that he is staying out of it. Anything said to her thru him can be mis communicated thus causing more harm.

 

 

I do ok for most of the night, but by the time the 2nd movie comes on, I start to loose it and I have to leave. I get in my car and text my friend, "how the **** can she look us both in the face and say she isn't anyone else? Or tell me she needs space?"

 

Good question, I often wonder the same thing. You will have these moments but as time passes they will be less and less. The needing space thing can mean lots of things. I am no expert but you cannot always take it at face value.

 

 

I know I shouldn't have involved him but I made it clear to him that I don't want him sharing anymore information with me, that I'm going to just vent to him.

But I go over to his place and I vent for a good hour, i spill it all out. That I can't believe that someone who 6 months ago for xmas wrote me a love poem about growing old together, or who couldn't sleep when I was gone because she missed me so much. How anyone can just turn a total 180 from one day to the next and go about it like it's nothing. I'm not sure if she is just hidding her emotions and by going out with this new guy she thinks she can run away from them....I have no clue, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can just walk away from a relationship like this and on the same note do it the way she did it. But telling me to my face 3 different times that she just needs time and space to figure things out, that she's confused and that there isn't anyone else and that she has no intentions of dating anyone, she just needs to be single right now. And to also look me in the face and say that she still feels the same about me it's just the title of girlfriend isn't there right now. Those words exactly.....

 

What i bolded i could have written myself. I got the same card on my birthday and at Christmas. She even told me while on a vacation shortly after that she did not want to loose me and she was scared i was goint to leave her. I told her never that i loved her and always would/will. Granted she had had a few but you know what they say about alchohol and it being a truth serum.

 

Do not always take "needing space" at face value. It can mean alot of things and what it actually is you may never find out. Again similar situation, i was told the same thing and here i am this far along. She tells everyone that we are just taking time to ourselves. Glad i was part of that decision. As far as her dating someone else.... she will probably tell you one thing and do another,sorry but i had to realize this my self. They broke it off with us for what ever reason thus they can do what they want and do what ever they feel. Make sense? Again sorry. It as hard for me to write as it is for you to read.

 

 

My friend then tells me that she's changed her myspace friends list. And this is stupid I know, but she moved me from 1 to 3 and this new guy (who 2 weeks ago was 18) from 8 to 5. I haven't changed my page, again I'm worried that any action I take will be seen as out of hate, so my page is just staying as is. BUt what the hell....

Screw myspace. Too many people let it dictate how they live their lives. Dont do anything with your page at this point. I agree with you. I do not even go there, ever.

 

My biggest worry is I'm just another guy for her. I totally forgot about something that happened when she and I first hooked up until my brother reminded me last week. When we first hooked up, she was kind of involved with this australian guy who lived in australia. The met on the internet I think while she was still dating her last BF or at least shortly after (the relationship was on the rocks at the time anyway and they both wanted out, she even broke up with him on valentine's day). Anyway, she had bought a $2000 ticket to go out and see this guy, and the first night she and I hooked up, while we were sleeping he called her, and she went into the living room and talked to him for 2 hours. I'm starting to think that this new guy is the same thing. A transition guy that turns into a BF. I'm hoping that he's just a straight guy friend, but I know how guys think, and I know how guys react to her, when we were dating she would always get hit on.

Are you sure we were not dating the same girl? HA. I had my fears and doubts about a certain guy that hat been calling her on a consistant basis. She liked him about two years prior to when we met but he blew her off met a girl and got engaged to her. She broke it off with him and thus started calling my ex. My ex swore that she had no interest in him. He gave her the whole "i did not know what was in front of me" line, "I should have snapped you up when i had the chance. An ego boost for her i guess but she swore to the end that nothing was going on. Just the same a relationship should not be dis respected by this cr*p. She never made the effort that i asked for to get rid of the guy. He did not give a rats a** about our relationship. I asked her if she would even concider dating a guy that has no respect for the relationship that she was in. It would be like me hitting on your girl even though i know that you guys are serious. Karma is a bi**h and i believe heavily in it. Ok, so, this guy.... I do not think that he is just wanting to be her pal. He sees an opportunity and he is going after it. We are guys right? Your right guys think a certain way. I do not mean to scare you. Maybe find a good looking girl pal to hang out with. Just pals, yeah right. See how she responds. Why should you just sit around wondering about her adventures? Do it for yourself. Maybe just maybe you will meet someone to take you away from all this torment.

 

So now I'm stuck, i'm walking a real thin line right now. I want to blow up at her and tell her that I love her and that the girl I've known for the past 4 years isn't the girl I'm seeing right now. Like our mutual friend said, she hit her head cuz she isn't acting like the patti we know. But if I blow up at her, and tell her everything I vented to my friend last night, I can basically just call it quits with us. I don't know what to do......I know I need to go on with my life, but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking that she'll realize what she's done. All my girlfriends have said that, that eventually, she'll realize the mistake she's made, it may not be a month from now, or 6 months from now, it may be 2 years from now. And all I can think is, "GOD PLEASE, let her realize it soon!"

Are you sure we do not have the same friends? They are all wondering the same thing except they are wondering what drugs she is on. I sleep at night knowing that it was not all me. Her best friend from birth has sorta sided with me. She has been thru a couple of relationships with my ex and NO ONE has treated her like i did. Everyone is as confused as i am including her family.

 

Do not blow up at her. If you were a good boyfriend she would not be questioning your love for her. If she is then yes she has a problem. I did this and all it did was push her away further. Do not make the same mistake i did.

 

I wonder when my ex will wake up. Good question but you have to remember that she is living her life right now and so should you. Right now i am focusing on getting back to how i was pre-relationship. You should do the same. There was somethingthen that attracted them to us we need to find that again if not for them then for someone else. You can only benifit from that either way.

 

Take the cog out of the wheel and let it roll. Your life is yours and all you have right NOW is you so live it up.

 

I mean we haven't even been broken up a month, and she really hasn't had real space (because she keeps contacting me) and her stuff is still her, so who knows what's going through her head. Another thing that is kind of strange, is her good college friend broke up with her BF about 5 months ago because he cheated on her. She moved out and what have you. But now they are moving back in together. I'm hoping that this may be a good thing for me. Because i was little worried that my ex having all these girls around her that are just broken up and bitter would be a negative thing. But at the same time, it kind of may be giving me false hopes. It's crazy to think that someone can cheat on someone else and they can still get back together, and then there's my situation where the love was totally there and it was a committed relationship with nothing wrong and BHAM, it's over!

 

Not so fast. Misery loves company. My ex started hanging out with a couple of girls that you would concider party girls. They saw fresh meat and thus the ex was drawn in (post break up). These girls wer jelouse of our stability and i am sure that the had a part ,all be it small in the demise of our relationship. Shame on the ex for being a sheep.

 

The friend of hers,did you get along with her?

 

Cheating is a whole other topic and i have very strong opinions on it.

 

frd150, did you live with your ex? Is her stuff still there? Is she seeing someone else? How long have you been broken up?

 

Yes, i lived with her as you probably figured out. For a little over two years. The stuff is still up stairs but i do not reaaly go into that room. We have been broken up fo around six moths. Let me say that normaly i can move on easy. I am usually an is what it is guy. I do not know why it is different with her. Well, she is different not your typicall girl. She is beautiful and feminine but at the same time she was just one of the guys. She was not only my girlfriend but she was my pal as well, my best friend

and what i thought was for life I was done looking i thought.....she was

the ONE.:love:

 

Keep posting its good therapy. Buy a dirtbike maybe. I do not think about anything when i ride.;) It's saturday go out with the boys.

 

 

 

That's where I stand, totally lost.........

Hopfully i gave you a little direction.

You can read my originall threads and posts. I was helped by som wise people.

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Sorry about the bad grammar and spelling in the above. Whoops, you get the point.

 

Oh and my punctuation could use a llitle help. Sorry i typed it pretty fast.

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heartoutside

Well today is the day she is suppose to come by and get her wall shelves. I kind of went through the house and got some of her things that she had left and put them on the shelvs. But there is stuff some stuff around that I didn't even bother with, so we'll see if she gets it all?

 

As far as what my ex has been telling people, I don't think she's told them we are taking time apart, I think she's told them we're broken up for now. But then again, I haven't really asked anyone. I know when it first happened, everyone saw it as a seperation and if we got back together was up in the air. Right now, I see it as a break up, but then again, I have no idea what is going through her mind. All I know is the last I heard from my mutual friend about her talking about us was all she could say was I just want him to be happy.

 

As for the friends, well the one girl who just moved back in with her cheating ex bf I've only met once and she's the party girl of the two that I was worried about (knock on wood) luckly she will be graduating from school soon. The other girl, her new roommate, really liked me, still does for all I know. Her ex and I have the same birthday, and which was about 2 weeks before my ex broke up with me. So we went to their place for my brithday and she had made me a special cup cake, birthday cake and was totally excited about it.

 

I find it interesting though, that when I did talk to my ex, she really didn't mention anything about what she had done. Not even talk about a 4th of july party our friend had. She just told me that she was too drunk to go back to her place so she stayed at my place (which is about 10 blocks from the party). But this was only after I had asked her if she had spent the night at my place. The only reason I noticed was because she seemed to have left everything out to make it obvious that she stayed here (or maybe she didn't and I"m just reading into it again). She opened a new bar of soap, got a new wash clothe out, used her favorite towel, and slept in my bed, leaving her gum, hand cream and hair clip next to the bed. I then said that she was doing a lot of drinking, and she said no not really. Even though I know she got plastered with our mutual friend that weekend, and sent my 4 text messages.

 

There's also something else that kind of bothers me. A message she sent me while I was on vacation. After I had asked if she and her new roommate were having fun, she replied we always have fun. To which I replied, right, that was a stupid question. Which she then replied to, the only stupid questions are the ones never asked.

What am I suppose to do with that, read into....let it be........NOTHING.....there are so many things I can read into, or try to anylize, but the only thing I can take at face value will be he saying to my face point blank, it's over......or i'm seeing someone else.

 

It's also dawned on me that even though her myspace page and her face book page both say single, and looking for friends, she could just be waiting to be moved out before she changes it to in a relationship, or dating...I have no idea what is going on with this new guy. I do know that I have one thing in my advantage. She loved doing things with me....I MEAN LOVED it. Shopping for clothes, food, you name it......she loved just hanging out with me. Granted I had gotten a little lame lately, but I would like to feel that the whole time she's hanging out with this guy, she'll be comparing him to me? But then again that could also be a bad thing.....

 

That's all, sorry if none of this makes any sense, I was just writing as it came to my head....

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heartoutside

Well I was out of the house when she came by to get the rest of her stuff and well some of it is still here, she ddin't trash what she wanted trashed, but basically took what she wanted or needed in a crazy uncontrolled fashion, pillows kind of tossed here, shoes kind of tossed there. I sent her a text asking what she wanted me to do with the rest of the stuff and asking how things went. I had no choice. After what our mutual friend had said to her, I really didn't think she would ever call or think that the door is open. She sent a text back asking "like what?" So I called her. And we talked, it was a good talk, I made some jokes about the stuff she took, and asked her what she wanted me to do with some of the stuff. I then told her that she could call anytime she wanted. And she asked, are you sure? Which just goes to show, that our mutual friend has messed up the communication between us, and some how made it seem like I don't want anything to do with her. I want her in my life, she just needs to figure things out......

 

 

Once again I'm getting thrown for a loop here though. Because while I was out of the house, I was hanging out with a different mutal friend (which is hard to do because just about everyone of our friends are mutual) and I had to bring it up. We all work together, so I asked if people at work know and one of the friends said, well I just found out last week and shes been really hush hush about it, not really telling anyone about it or saying anything. I then asked, well what did she say about it, and he said he didn't remember, and i said yeah right, and he said no honestly I don't remember. I kind of don't believe him, but then again who knows.

Later though, we were sitting around drink and another friend (who works with us well) asked, so are you guys broken up, or taking time a part, or what?!? Which kind of shocked me, because this is the same girl that my ex went to talk to first......she then said something that kind of shocked me as well. That my ex's mother (her somewhat adoptive mother, who is an ex girlfriend of her father, but a very good christian women) told my ex that she just needs to move on, and her reply to that was, I don't want too!

So right now, I'm getting mixed singles from every which direction. I have one mutual friend, who is good friends with my ex, maybe best friends. But their relationship has been on the rocks the past year or so, if not on the rocks, it been strained somewhat....He helped her move today and he's been the shoulder I've gone to cry on (he's gay if I haven't already said that). But he was the one who told my ex that she has to be either in my life or out of my life. Which isn't the case......I'm going on with my life, and if she wants to be back in it, then the door is open. We just can't be friends.

Then I have these two other friends that say that they haven't heard much of anything, that she doesn't want to move on. So i'm totally lost.......

 

The sad thing is, the answer is always going to be the same, go on with your life. If she wants back, she come back......

 

advice?

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As far as what my ex has been telling people, I don't think she's told them we are taking time apart, I think she's told them we're broken up for now. But then again, I haven't really asked anyone. I know when it first happened, everyone saw it as a seperation and if we got back together was up in the air. Right now, I see it as a break up, but then again, I have no idea what is going through her mind. All I know is the last I heard from my mutual friend about her talking about us was all she could say was I just want him to be happy.

 

And you may never know. You can spend forever trying to figure out whats going on in her head. Just go with whats in front of you and treat this as a break up.

 

 

 

As for the friends, well the one girl who just moved back in with her cheating ex bf I've only met once and she's the party girl of the two that I was worried about (knock on wood) luckly she will be graduating from school soon. The other girl, her new roommate, really liked me, still does for all I know. Her ex and I have the same birthday, and which was about 2 weeks before my ex broke up with me. So we went to their place for my brithday and she had made me a special cup cake, birthday cake and was totally excited about it.

 

Forgive me if you already posted this but i have to ask, Has your ex ever lived with anyone but you? Did she go straight from her folks to you? I ask because she may be looking for a little independance. New roomates, No commitments, and free to do what she wants. The first roommate sounds like a quality individual with very little self respect. Like i said my opinions a strong regarding situations that involve cheating. Hopefully your ex agrees with me and will gravitate towards the good roomate.

 

 

 

I find it interesting though, that when I did talk to my ex, she really didn't mention anything about what she had done. Not even talk about a 4th of july party our friend had. She just told me that she was too drunk to go back to her place so she stayed at my place (which is about 10 blocks from the party). But this was only after I had asked her if she had spent the night at my place. The only reason I noticed was because she seemed to have left everything out to make it obvious that she stayed here (or maybe she didn't and I"m just reading into it again). She opened a new bar of soap, got a new wash clothe out, used her favorite towel, and slept in my bed, leaving her gum, hand cream and hair clip next to the bed. I then said that she was doing a lot of drinking, and she said no not really. Even though I know she got plastered with our mutual friend that weekend, and sent my 4 text messages.

 

Odd, If she was so broken up then why would she return to the home you shared? And leave obvious evidence. I have no answer for this. I had one meeting with my ex maybe two where she made comments like " i miss your house", "Oh, is your dvr still set to record my shows?" i will have to come over and watch them." Homesick i guess. We all get over being homesick, most of us anyway.

 

 

There's also something else that kind of bothers me. A message she sent me while I was on vacation. After I had asked if she and her new roommate were having fun, she replied we always have fun. To which I replied, right, that was a stupid question. Which she then replied to, the only stupid questions are the ones never asked.

What am I suppose to do with that, read into....let it be........NOTHING.....there are so many things I can read into, or try to anylize, but the only thing I can take at face value will be he saying to my face point blank, it's over......or i'm seeing someone else.

 

Do nothing. Deal with whats in front of you. Do not buy into symantics.

 

 

It's also dawned on me that even though her myspace page and her face book page both say single, and looking for friends, she could just be waiting to be moved out before she changes it to in a relationship, or dating...I have no idea what is going on with this new guy. I do know that I have one thing in my advantage. She loved doing things with me....I MEAN LOVED it. Shopping for clothes, food, you name it......she loved just hanging out with me. Granted I had gotten a little lame lately, but I would like to feel that the whole time she's hanging out with this guy, she'll be comparing him to me? But then again that could also be a bad thing.....

 

UHGG!! my space. The demise of western culture and civilization:laugh:. Stop looking at it. It will f**k with your head and keep you awake at night.

 

All the things my ex loved to do with me. Being lame is no excuse to walk. Everyone on this site is capable of being lame.

 

If there is something going on with this other fellow i am sure it is a rebound and rebounds almost always fail wether or not she ends up getting back with you.

 

 

 

That's all, sorry if none of this makes any sense, I was just writing as it came to my head....

 

No worries. It makes sense. Remember i am only a few miles ahead of you on the same road. It's a little smoother up here.

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heartoutside

My ex actually lived with our "mutual" friend before she moved in with me. She never lived with the first friend (the one who's moving back in with her BF). So now she's living with the friend I assume you are saying is the good friend.

Before she live with our mutual friend, she did infact live by herself, but that was only a year or so and that was while she was dating a very controlling and jealous bf (not me, the bf before me).

The real reason I'm worried about this new "guy" (and all I know is that they saw a movie together), is because she's done this in the past everytime. Doesn't wait long between BF's, fears being alone, so basically every BF has been a rebound bf, for the most part.....

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Sorry Heart,

 

I was going to get to this one but i really do think there is someting in the water. Last night as i was replying to your post my roomate came home and it was not good. His girl is pulling the same cr*p and since i have been dealing with my own he felt it best to talk to me. Diffference is that in his situation his girl is communicating like an adult. She had given me some pretty sage advice during my whole ordeal.Actually she talked to me as recently as last friday. Well, she was very clear on her feelings with my roomate. She loves him very much (4 yrs) but she is having some doubts as to the direction they are going. Understandable, She is pretty Bannana Republic and he is a pro athlete. They are different on alot of levels but i think she is ready to settle down with someone who wants to put there all into a relationship. Marrige im sure.

 

Sorry for the digression, thought id share someone elses misery but i guess there is plenty of that on here.

 

Now back to buisness.....

 

 

 

Well I was out of the house when she came by to get the rest of her stuff and well some of it is still here, she ddin't trash what she wanted trashed, but basically took what she wanted or needed in a crazy uncontrolled fashion, pillows kind of tossed here, shoes kind of tossed there. I sent her a text asking what she wanted me to do with the rest of the stuff and asking how things went. I had no choice. After what our mutual friend had said to her, I really didn't think she would ever call or think that the door is open. She sent a text back asking "like what?" So I called her. And we talked, it was a good talk, I made some jokes about the stuff she took, and asked her what she wanted me to do with some of the stuff. I then told her that she could call anytime she wanted. And she asked, are you sure? Which just goes to show, that our mutual friend has messed up the communication between us, and some how made it seem like I don't want anything to do with her. I want her in my life, she just needs to figure things out......

 

Look man, Im not going to wave the no contact banner like most. I agree with it on so many levels but i am not going to be a hipacrit and tell you you should cut ties now. Imo you should set some rules or boundries for this break/break up or whatever. Talk to her about this mutual friend and the communication you are both doing thru him. Make it sorta a joke like "wow, what dumb a**es we are for confiding in that guy" or something of that nature. Mutually put a stop to it and remind her that you guys had a long relationship and you (the two of you ) should be able to talk directly . If you feel the need to at all. Keep your effort to a minimum at this point. Extra effort screams clingyness. Give her the time she needs to "figure things out". Who knows you may come out on the otherside wanting somthing different.

 

 

Once again I'm getting thrown for a loop here though. Because while I was out of the house, I was hanging out with a different mutal friend (which is hard to do because just about everyone of our friends are mutual) and I had to bring it up. We all work together, so I asked if people at work know and one of the friends said, well I just found out last week and shes been really hush hush about it, not really telling anyone about it or saying anything. I then asked, well what did she say about it, and he said he didn't remember, and i said yeah right, and he said no honestly I don't remember. I kind of don't believe him, but then again who knows.

Later though, we were sitting around drink and another friend (who works with us well) asked, so are you guys broken up, or taking time a part, or what?!? Which kind of shocked me, because this is the same girl that my ex went to talk to first......she then said something that kind of shocked me as well. That my ex's mother (her somewhat adoptive mother, who is an ex girlfriend of her father, but a very good christian women) told my ex that she just needs to move on, and her reply to that was, I don't want too!

 

Yeah im sure that this friend has more info but does not want to get between you. Dont push it dont loose a friend. My ex has only confided in a couple of people (the party girl being one of them). She moves about with a brave face like everything is ok in her world. She has to though. She is a hairdresser in a very upscale salon so unhappy =no$ Happy = $$$$$$. The salon whew!! a hotbed for man hating. Probably did not help my situation mutch. I already know some of the things her clients have told her about us. She laughs it off but you know, that stuff can stick on a sub concious level.

 

In my conversation last night with my roomate we dicussed the "just move on statement". I said easy to serve and hard to swallow. It is exactly what he said to me a while back. But now he is in my shoes and he cant. It is blanket advice delt by everyone. I am sure you have said a time or two. Your ex sounds really confused and maybe lacking some relationship maturety. Sorry mine was the same and like i asked before is this the same girl??? Sounds so familiar and I know what you are dealing with.

 

 

So right now, I'm getting mixed singles from every which direction. I have one mutual friend, who is good friends with my ex, maybe best friends. But their relationship has been on the rocks the past year or so, if not on the rocks, it been strained somewhat....He helped her move today and he's been the shoulder I've gone to cry on (he's gay if I haven't already said that). But he was the one who told my ex that she has to be either in my life or out of my life. Which isn't the case......I'm going on with my life, and if she wants to be back in it, then the door is open. We just can't be friends.

Then I have these two other friends that say that they haven't heard much of anything, that she doesn't want to move on. So i'm totally lost.......

 

The sad thing is, the answer is always going to be the same, go on with your life. If she wants back, she come back......

 

I can write a book on mixed signals. Wanna co-author? People do this whan they are not sure about what they want. Your ex is un sure. Yes, live your life. I live mine but i still have that knot in my stomach all be it not as big as before. Do not pin your hopes on weather or not she is coming back. I got some advice once that said "live like this is only temporary, live like the will come back some day" This is supposed to help yo uslowly get over it. This guy just lost his brother and this was his coping mechanism. My version is a little different "live like they will never return but it cant hurt to leave the light on in case they do" Sorta like motel 6. Sorry motel 6.

 

 

 

advice?

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My ex actually lived with our "mutual" friend before she moved in with me. She never lived with the first friend (the one who's moving back in with her BF). So now she's living with the friend I assume you are saying is the good friend.

Before she live with our mutual friend, she did infact live by herself, but that was only a year or so and that was while she was dating a very controlling and jealous bf (not me, the bf before me).

The real reason I'm worried about this new "guy" (and all I know is that they saw a movie together), is because she's done this in the past everytime. Doesn't wait long between BF's, fears being alone, so basically every BF has been a rebound bf, for the most part.....

 

There goes my theory.

 

 

You cant control what she does now. This guy sounds like a real winner. Taking advantage of her current vulnerability. I had an opportunity with a girl a couple of weeks ago. I found out that she was fresh out of a relationship a break maybe. I did not persue it any further.

 

We just have to let it happen we cannot control it. I have to live with the confidece that I was a great boyfriend and I am good person. I never insulted or raised my voice to her. I just wanted to take care of her, for life. I was commited. Thats all i have right now. I did my best. Like you i was just temporarilly lame.

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heartoutside

Well yesterday, I told my mutual friend that he has to remain neutral and he understood. He told me he's going to tell her that he feels he can nolonger be in the middle of this and is worried that he may mis-interrupt things we say....

 

But I keep swinging back and forth. 2 days ago, I was doing good, I felt like I was moving on. But now, I feel like I'm still hanging on. It's hard because my line of work is all freelance, so when I don't have work, I'm thinking.....but right now Im' trying to get as much work as I can....no matter what!

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Well yesterday, I told my mutual friend that he has to remain neutral and he understood. He told me he's going to tell her that he feels he can nolonger be in the middle of this and is worried that he may mis-interrupt things we say....

 

Good. Problem solved...hopefully.

 

 

 

But I keep swinging back and forth. 2 days ago, I was doing good, I felt like I was moving on. But now, I feel like I'm still hanging on. It's hard because my line of work is all freelance, so when I don't have work, I'm thinking.....but right now Im' trying to get as much work as I can....no matter what!

 

At first i could not even work because i felt that my work is what caused all of this. I later realized that we all work its part of life and besides i have a mortgage to pay. Why should i let this situation deteriorate my quality of life?

 

Work is good in situations like this. Do as much as you can to keep your mind off of it. "Idle hands are the devils tool" my Grandmother always said.

 

Oh,the ex just called. Dammit i answered:(. 7 days nc broken. You see we are all human. We had a good conversation but it ended like all the other recent ones. " Oh so and so is calling, I will call you right back". You think she is trying to keep the hook in me??? sure seems like it. "Let me call him and see if he is still an option". But dammit, i still miss her.

 

I'm off today. I need to do some housework, landscape or something. "Devils Tool".

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Oh,

 

I saw your other thread. I am real curious to see what the ladies think also.

 

Hey IG you out there? This guy could use your wisdom.

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heartoutside

Well first she changes her song last night to that timbaland song about 2 people in love and broke and working it out. And then she changes her picture and her song again this afternoon while she is at work (a retail job). The picture is of her and her girlfriends, different then the college girls. These girls are her childhood friends and when my ex told her best friend in this group about us taking time apart her answer was, "you need to talk it out and work it out, this is a marriage, you need to work at it sometimes." And I know these friends love me, and I know my ex loves them and always, always has fun with them no matter what so it's kind of reassuring that she has that picture up....but that is beside the point. She changed the song to this funny rap song that she and I always played and is a video that is part of my profile on my myspace page.

And I know it's stupid to read into these kind of things but crap.....I've got nothing else. And I can tell you, I"m done with myspace....at least i'm going to try!!! It's worse then crack......

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So our mutual friend comes over, and even after I tell him that he should just not share anything with me, he still does. I was already kind of drunk, and he drank a whole bottle of wine and next thing I know he's telling me that my ex has kind of figured out that she needs to make things better for herself and he told her that she needs to tell me that.

But it doesn't make sense. None of this does......I'm just going to let her be, there's nothing I can do. And next time my friend comes over, I'm not saying a word about my ex.....he just doesn't get it.

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So our mutual friend comes over, and even after I tell him that he should just not share anything with me, he still does. I was already kind of drunk, and he drank a whole bottle of wine and next thing I know he's telling me that my ex has kind of figured out that she needs to make things better for herself and he told her that she needs to tell me that.

But it doesn't make sense. None of this does......I'm just going to let her be, there's nothing I can do. And next time my friend comes over, I'm not saying a word about my ex.....he just doesn't get it.

 

Uhhg, cr*p

If it is time she wants then give it to her but be prepared,you may not like what she becomes on the other side. Her realizations may not include you and her together. Her words echo my exs.

 

We need to ask ourselves How long we are willing to do this to ourselves?

 

It just may never make sense. you go over it again and again but there are no answers.

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possumgirl83

this comes fro the point of view of the one that wants the space.... my situation is a bit different from yours we were getting married on august 11 and he just decided to inform me that his divorce isnt final yet, for almost two years he swore it was... but thats besides the point this is about you two.

 

i asked for space but i call and i txt him sometimes as well because im so confused as to why he did this to us, im hurt and i love him.

i call because im hoping he'll say something that will make me be able to forgive him and move on like i so want to. it sounds to me like they are confused about how they feel, on one hand they want to forgive and forget but on the other hand they want to hate and forget... if they are like me, then you can do no right. try to stay calm with them it wont help things just tell them how you feel and try to smile:)

i hope all goes well

 

ps all advice you can give me is welcome at my thread... now what? question to guys

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heartoutside

i asked for space but i call and i txt him sometimes as well because im so confused as to why he did this to us, im hurt and i love him.

i call because im hoping he'll say something that will make me be able to forgive him and move on like i so want to. it sounds to me like they are confused about how they feel, on one hand they want to forgive and forget but on the other hand they want to hate and forget... if they are like me, then you can do no right.

 

Thanks for the response. I know she's confused at least it sure seems like it and it's been 9 or 10 days since we last talked. But she's the one who asked for the space and I hope she's now taking it, but I have no way of knowing, maybe she's just moving on now.

 

try to stay calm with them it wont help things just tell them how you feel and try to smile.

 

Are you suggesting that I tell my ex how I feel? Everyone else has suggested that I just let her be and she has to figure it out. She already knows how I feel, and I don't want to push her away any more by my telling her over and over that I love her and what he had is special and very hard to find.......

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this comes fro the point of view of the one that wants the space.... my situation is a bit different from yours we were getting married on august 11 and he just decided to inform me that his divorce isnt final yet, for almost two years he swore it was... but thats besides the point this is about you two.

 

i asked for space but i call and i txt him sometimes as well because im so confused as to why he did this to us, im hurt and i love him.

i call because im hoping he'll say something that will make me be able to forgive him and move on like i so want to. it sounds to me like they are confused about how they feel, on one hand they want to forgive and forget but on the other hand they want to hate and forget... if they are like me, then you can do no right. try to stay calm with them it wont help things just tell them how you feel and try to smile:)

i hope all goes well

 

ps all advice you can give me is welcome at my thread... now what?

question to guys

 

Hey possum Girl,

 

I agree about the doing no right part. I think that both heart and myself have made the effort to tell them how we feel. I know that if i were in my ex's shoes i would probably be quite annoyed if i was constantly reminded about how I (me) felt. She knows. I love her unconditionally but my heart is quite bruised and cannot take much more. If i back off she comes to me all be it friendly and nice. I will not force her to be with me and love me. This needs to come of her own free will. I am just there for her. I am giving her her space at the risk of it being permanent.

 

You were close to marrige so i will ask you.

 

How can someone be looking at wedding dresses one week, doing the i love yous,and then the next week out of the blue, poof! Gone. I have said it before, i thought i had found my ONE.

 

I will check out your thread. Maybe i can help?

 

I'm heading to Orlando in a few. How humid is it ??

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