Crazy-in-love vs. She was good to me..

[Johnny B]

Ok, I need to look at this from a different angle. Maybe all of you can help me. For those who've not been following me and helping me along on this... quick recap....

 

I have SEVERE dumpers remorse over the girl I broke up with last August. She tried to get me back for 3 months, but I wasn't having it. She found someone else in December and has been with him since. She doesn't want me back despite all my VERY SINCERE efforts.

We work together and have been NC now for over 2 weeks now. Mainly b/c she's visiting him at the moment in Australia on his business assignment. And before she left I told her that I had enough of her stringing me along, ESPECIALLY after he left. I told her I was done with her games.

 

Today, however I want to analyze why I broke up with her. In my past I've usually been the breaker-upper. I break up with someone when I feel like it's just not there between us... and I have dated some really amazing girls. And 2 in particular were really good to me.. Marriage material if you will or at least LTR material.

 

But I dont regret breaking up with them, its this girl thats killing me....

 

Looking back, this girl was exceptionally good to me. She also had lots of what i was looking for looks, very smart, witty, great conversationalist, personality.

 

I admit that a lot the problems we had stemmed from me. I can be insecure, a bit too arrogant, and thinking the grass is always greener (probably b/c I've never had problems meeting women).

 

I've never really had a LTR b/c my thinking is... If that SPARK is not there, or that feeling that no matter what you cannot let this person go, then why extend the relationship? This person must NOT be for me!

 

I don't lead girls on... I end it completely when I come to this decision. And I never to FWB. NEVER.

 

So I will say that I never fell for anyone ... I've never been in love .... so what's my deal here?

 

I'm struggling with the fact that b/c I never wanted or felt the desire to have an LTR or want to keep someone, then she's just not the one.

 

BUT THIS GIRL... DID have everything! At least looking back, all I see are my faults and the bad things that I brought to the relationship. I would say that she put in at least 70% and I put in 30%. Why didn't I want to put in more???

 

Why do I think she had everything now but not at the time? Could I have been THAT blind to what I had?

 

This is why I've asked all of you..... How do you know what love is? How do you know when it's real?

 

If you find someone who has all of the qualities above AND is exceptionally good to you.... IS that enough to want a relationship? Is that what we should look for? Is that when we should say WOW.. she's the one?

 

I dont know because the WOW, SPARK, head over heels, cant think of anything else feeling is a mystery to me. I never had it. Admittedly, I never had it with her either.

 

So I'm stuck btw my hurt over someone who had all of these great, great qualities and was sooo committed to making us work AND was very, very good to me..... with the fact that I don't think I was CRAZY IN LOVE at the time.

 

So why am I like this... did I just not find the ONE. Is she out there? I'm 27, yes, I know that's pretty young and theres more life to live but... I do EVENTUALLY want to settle down and meet someone to have a family. And I've never thought about these things until now.

 

Only now do I feel like I've fixed my issues and the baggage I brought to that relationship... I KNOW i'm a better, more mature, more secure person.

 

Anyway just wanted to know what all of you thought about why I'm struggling so hard with this....

 

Any thoughts?

[polywog]

Maybe she helped you realize what you want, though she is not the one you are ending up having it with. You are young, and you were gifted with insight from your relationship with her. After the hurt and regret heal, you'll realize that you're closer to knowing what a working, loving relationship is. Ya live and ya learn, tho it isn't always fun.

[Johnny B]

Thanks.

 

The only thing I want to add is that I really, really tried to get her back. It wasn't half-a$$ed. None of these stupid text messages or random comments on myspace or whatever. I regret that it took her to find someone else to make me realize. I was stupid. I'm a guy and I definately only learn when it's too late. What can I say... we're not the smarter of the species!

 

One piece of advice for the rest of you: If your EX really wants you back.. THEY WILL CONQUER THE WORLD TO DO IT. I swear. I'm telling you the truth because I'm the dumper here! And I tried to move mountains to get her back. So dont try to read into their pathetic attemps, ok?

 

Some of the other things that come into play are... I've never really been rejected by someone before. Maybe I deserve/ and needed this....

 

Also she ANd her new b/f work at a company to which I cannot leave!! My career is based here. I've built a soild foundation... Maybe one day, but not now. So I have to live with seeing them all of the time.

 

And my gut tells me that one day someone will tell me OR her, that they've gotten engaged. Yea, its only a few months with them but I think they both want it.

 

Man I hate this... at least I leave for Europe in 3 weeks for a 3 month assignment. I hope to gain a new perspective on my life while I'm gone.

 

I hope I can let go...

[polywog]

I was always the dumper, then the first time I was rejected I was really devastated, like you are. So I understand.

 

I wish you the best, it sucks that you have to see them together at the job! Ugh!

 

Hang in there, bud, and keep healing.

[ilmw]

I'm a guy and I definately only learn when it's too late. What can I say... we're not the smarter of the species!

 

 

... I can relate so much to this statement..

[amaysngrace]

From what I've read, it sounds like you didn't let anyone into your heart just yet. It's a thing you have that blocks you from growing deeper feelings for another. You won't allow yourself to grow the feelings of love.

 

Love is a choice. It's a decision we make to feel certain feelings towards another.

 

It sounds like you don't open your heart up to any girl. Even when you should.

 

It's not fair to be the recipient of someone who acts like you. Maybe she is now feeling her love being returned by this new man. Let this girl go. She sounds happy. Happier now than you make her.

 

When you love someone and they love you, you both need to give 100% of what's in your heart. If you were only giving 30%, then you really need to learn to open up more.

[Johnny B]

A.grace -

 

I accept everything you said. My bigger concern is whether or not I can recognize someone being the ONE. Everyone else on here seems to accept love.. choose love.. experience it. Except for me.

 

Again, the prior women I mentioned are not more than a distant memory. No regrets. I know I didn't want/love them.

 

This one.. it really hurts. And I don't want to find someone again who has all of these qualities and NOT realize it.

 

Maybe she was sent to me for this lesson? I hope so.. because I was on a 'grass is always greener' trip like you woudnt believe. I do know that I've grown b/c of this. I feel (although weak from saddness) a stronger person of values/beliefs/morals. My old ways are gone.

 

I never felt heartbreak before this. I think sadly, everyone has and MUST go through it in life. Maybe a right of passage before you can truely be happy with someone and also appreciate and learn to love, give and try?

 

HOWEVER - I really need someone to get deeper into my question... Is it about being madly in love with someone... or has everyone on here just grown to love someone that was good to them?

 

I just fear that I'm looking for something/someone who does not exist. I feel that I have A LOT to give... Have I just not found the right one?

 

I apologize if the answer to this question is obvious.. I'm just really at a confused point in my life as a result of this.

 

Johnny

[polywog]

JB, I think you haven't found "the One" yet because you probably aren't ready. Your ex probably seems like "the One" because you can't have her anymore.

 

I never wanted to get married when I was younger, though I had long (5yr+) relationships. I did eventually find a man I knew I wanted to marry when I was 30. The marriage ended, but that's not really the point, and it's another story. So, maybe like you, I just was not ready.

 

You have some abstract idea, maybe, of "the One", that perhaps no woman can measure up to yet at this point in your life. Relax, learn, live, and focus on yourself and it will happen someday.

 

I'll bet you're a Capricorn.

[Johnny B]

Yes, I am...

[amaysngrace]

I am a very firm believer in 'if it's meant to be then it will be'.

 

If you aren't with her now then that would seem to me that you aren't meant to be with her. So keep that grass is greener thinking for now. If she's the one then you will end up with her but if not then someone better for you is still out there.

 

I think you have grown a lot recently. And this girl is the one you were with when you did so you associate her with that growth. But the truth is you would have most likely grown with someone else in your life as well. You grew. And it was your time to grow. Regardless of who was in your life at the time.

[polywog]

Polywog -

 

Yes ... that guess is a bit scary. How did you know?

 

Johnny

 

:lmao: WOW!

 

One of my secret guilty pleasures is astrology! And you do sound like a Capricorn man! I am a Capricorn, by the way, too. We take a long time to grow up, especially the men. Perfectionists, hard on ourselves and sometimes others, but usually pretty fair. And when we love, boy do we love. At least we age well and grow younger and wiser as we get older. If you want to have some good fun and insight check out http://www.astro.com

 

If you know your birthtime you will really have some serious fun with this site.

 

BTW, my birthday is January 12. What's yours?

[Johnny B]

January 12... i'm not joking either.

[polywog]

January 12... i'm not joking either.

 

:lmao:

 

Well, I'm not surprised, somehow. You're in good company. I know a lot of crazy, talented, great people with our birthday. Good crazy, late bloomers, & all of them are smart & good looking! You don't have enough posts to PM yet, but when you do (you need 100) feel free to contact me. And check out that site I put in my last post. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I believe in astrology, but I've been exposed to it on a deep level by chance, and I'm always amazed by how accurate it is....and I am a serious skeptic.

 

Capricorn men are just like you.... they take a long time, maybe too long, maybe too reserved, to realize what matters. But their instincts, as in the case of leaving your ex, are often right.

 

I had a serious bf who was a Capricorn who dumped me for a beautiful crazy Spanish girl. I was devastated, but I moved on, and he sort of seemed like he wanted me back after that fell apart. By that time, I'd found my husband (now ex). I heard years later (recently!) that he wanted to marry me. He came to visit me as a friend during the separation from my husband, and I took it as such, because he never showed any overt desire to get me back, he was too cautious, tho I saw some clues, which were not enough.

 

Perhaps it was grass is greener or loneliness and idealizing on his part, because we were good pals but not sexually compatable (I wanted more passion and frequency than he could deliver). He was also very competitive with me, not good, as I have a strong personality but am very overjoyed to meet my match, and not about competing with my mate.

 

Enough about me. Check out that site, and feel free to PM when you've earned it (so Capricorn to say that:D), as I am partial to our shared 1/12 Capricorns.

[amaysngrace]

Wow...that's freaky...I'm a Capricorn too!!

[polywog]

Wow...that's freaky...I'm a Capricorn too!!

 

When's your birthday???

 

capricorns rule, tho it takes us a long time to realize it....

[Johnny B]

I went to that site... It was frightning how accurate it was. Very, very accurate.

 

Also, your personality sounds a lot like my EX.. and yes, we did compete on a lot of levels.. both for control in conversation AND arguments. She's extremely strong minded and opinionated, just like me. I think that's where so much conflict came from. Although in the bedroom, it was unbelieveable chemistry. I never experienced anything like it.

 

But in the end, she always conceeded to me. She always did things that would make me happy. I always felt like I had to win... how immature is that?

 

She was more mature and knew how to make the relationship work. She really tried. I didn't. I was wrong and I regret it. I hope I can get over it because what I struggle with is that I will never get the chance to show her 100% of me. My full potential. Because if she could see it, this would have been different... they even could be different today, but she is happy where she is..

 

I think her new b/f is the easy going type of guy, non ego type of guy. Not to say that I have a HUGE ego, well I did actually (to which I've toned down), but I still portray many alphamale qualities that I know she was attracted to. I don' think he has any of those. I met him. He's just whatever, but treating her like 'gold' as she put it... is the deal breaker.

 

Understandably so. She said she doens't want to give up what she has for a 'whatif.' That hurts.

 

So ultimately, I think that works better for her... although I'm pretty sure that we (aside from my hangups) really clicked on a lot of levels. Passion, excitment... now if I just wasn't such a jerk and put in more effort... I probably wouldn't even have 1 post on this board.

 

 

btw - She's a Sagittarius, I don't know their traits are but she acts like a Capricorn.

[honeybees28]

A.grace -

 

HOWEVER - I really need someone to get deeper into my question... Is it about being madly in love with someone... or has everyone on here just grown to love someone that was good to them?

 

 

 

i just lost my first love. and i am 24.

i was not interested in him in the beginning.

i never felt any sort of spark.

but over time he revealed his amazingness..or rather, i finally allowed myself to see it. and slowly i just.. fell in love with him. it just happened. i loved him.

 

i would be VERY VERY WEARY of feeling "head over heels" for someone. i'd rather just see that they possess really amazing qualities that would make a great father for children, or a great husband, and just be a really great partner to share life and love with.

 

obviously you meet a lot of women and you have only selected a few to become involved with. does that not have any bearing with you?

you will never find a PERFECT woman. EVER.

you will never find a woman who meets all of your needs.

that is not a womans place to meet all of your needs.

that is gods place.

 

but regardless,

people that typically feel "sparks" and see "fireworks"

tend to finally hit a brick wall in terms of feelings. short lived.

because those sparks are just hormones.

you have to work to keep a relationship alive and fun and "sparky"...

you obviously didnt unconditionally love this woman when you had her.

its a good thing you didint marry her.

 

if someone feels like they lost a good woman, they probably did.

[Trialbyfire]

In hindsight, I have only been in love once and it was the most amazing and painful experience I've ever had. Some people, like myself, allow the opposite gender in a little bit at a time until you wake up one day and say "I'm in love with you". It's not as if I haven't had an emotional connection before though, just not in love. The guys I didn't fall in love with were great guys but were missing that final spark.

 

What I'm trying to communicate with my story is, while you may care and wish to be with your ex g/f, you weren't in love with her. It will hit you like 2x4, when it happens.

 

Let your ex go so you can truly move on to find someone who you can fall in love with.

[amaysngrace]

I was wrong and I regret it. I hope I can get over it because what I struggle with is that I will never get the chance to show her 100% of me. My full potential. Because if she could see it, this would have been different... they even could be different today, but she is happy where she is..

 

 

 

See this right here ^^^ This means you didn't put forth the effort needed. If she were the 'one' you would have. Don't have regrets. Learn from it all. Take something from it.

 

In her mind she probably thinks "I cannot make him feel something he just doesn't".

 

Bottom line is you didn't feel it for her. You think you do now but now doesn't matter. You didn't feel it when she was there.

 

When you find the 'one' you will feel it and appreciate her while she's in your life.

[amaysngrace]

When's your birthday???

 

capricorns rule, tho it takes us a long time to realize it....

 

 

I'm sorry ploywog, I'm not giving out my birthday. It's not you, it's just that I don't post personal stuff like that here. I like to be anonymous.

 

That website was so dead on it creeped me a little. I did the relationship one with my BF and it was so true. I had my chart done a while ago. I think astrology is interesting.

 

Have you ever paid that website for a full report? I'd like to get one but only if it's worth it.

[Johnny B]

 

What I'm trying to communicate with my story is, while you may care and wish to be with your ex g/f, you weren't in love with her. It will hit you like 2x4, when it happens.

 

 

This is what I'm looking for... I WANT it to happen. I feel like something is wrong with me that it hasn't happend yet...

 

OR more specifically, it didn't happen with HER

 

I understand that I needed to grow, learn, experience this but I truely hope that she was not the ONE and that I was not ready for her.

[Johnny B]

See this right here ^^^ This means you didn't put forth the effort needed. If she were the 'one' you would have. Don't have regrets. Learn from it all. Take something from it.

 

In her mind she probably thinks "I cannot make him feel something he just doesn't".

 

Bottom line is you didn't feel it for her. You think you do now but now doesn't matter. You didn't feel it when she was there.

 

When you find the 'one' you will feel it and appreciate her while she's in your life.

 

Yes, I hope that I will feel it. I hope it does not pass me by. I want this to be a learning experience.

 

I feel like I was a boy that just became a man...

[Desertgirl]

Capricorn here too...............I wonder if there are alot of Capricorns on this site

[Desertgirl]

 

What I'm trying to communicate with my story is, while you may care and wish to be with your ex g/f, you weren't in love with her. It will hit you like 2x4, when it happens.

 

 

I think I can relate to what you are trying to communicate. I have often wondered why "the one" has not happened and how would I know. I would ALWAYS be the dumper and not look back. I have always had many individuals interested in me as well. What is strange for me is how HARD I fell for this guy and it sounds like you fell HARD for this woman. It is that feeling of "being out of control" with the emotion that is so depressing actually. New experience.........is that what is happening for you?

 

ie: she may have been it, you did not want/know it at the time and in hind sight that maybe this was "it" and you missed it? Now, you have the intense gravity of the feeling and there is no going back?

[Johnny B]

 

 

ie: she may have been it, you did not want/know it at the time and in hind sight that maybe this was "it" and you missed it? Now, you have the intense gravity of the feeling and there is no going back?

 

Well if she was it, then I did a hell of a job, hiding it or even considering that losing her would be a bad thing. If you recall I said that she tried to get me back for 3 months. It was probably a nice ego trip for me to have someone want me back like that....

 

Which reminds me also... why NC is essential. She was ALWAYS there for me even after we broke up. The friendship was intact. I was ok with her being my friend b/c i was dating other ppl and she was still in my life. She never did NC on me. Having my cake and eating it too, but the grass is NOT always greener.

 

Then BAM .. she finds someone and although she wants to keep me as a friend, I can't handle it. I cant be friends with her b/c anything that was hiding inside before has come out now that I lost her.

 

As immature as it sounds.. thats how it happend and thats where I am now. That was December. Another funny thing is that since she's been on that vacation with her b/f... it has been a little easier to deal. Out of sight out of mind is fantastic.

 

The only thing I'm concerned with is having a complete relapse once I return from this business assignment in Europe in September. They'll still be here and still together. Like a cut that just won't heal.

 

I've done all that I can to get her back... I'm just trying to move on now, knowing that at least I worked 1000% percent harder to get her back then the effort I put into the relationship. If it's still too little, too late AND if it's not meant to be.............. AT LEAST I realized it and tried.

 

j