its been awhile

[wx3]

Well... I find myself back on this site again after over a year. I cant find my last thread i started, but I'll recap what happened back then and what's happening now.

 

About three years ago, a girl and I began casually dating. It escalated into more... but a previous boyfriend got back into the mix (he had broken up with her). She was basically torn between her new boy and that guy... and I let her go because I felt if we had any future at all... it would be after he was out of the way.

 

They got back together, dated for approximately half a year.... and he left her -- for drugs and the party life.

 

She was crushed... and I was there to keep her on her feet. I let myself become the rebound guy again . Anyway... we got back together, but it was 3 months after their breakup.

 

I had no idea she wasn't ready.

 

Now, after a year and half of being together... she's remembering the past. I've been told she needs time to think and decide what she wants (all those cliche breakup lines).

 

She has feelings for the old guy again. She told me hes "cleaning up", etc. but I know for a fact he's being saying that for YEARS. I just don't want her to set herself up to get hurt again...

 

 

I love this girl... and I know what I have to do... for now. The problem I have.... isn't "How do I get the girl I love back", because I truly understand the concept of letting one you love go. My problem is.. if she comes back.... do I risk going through with this again? Do you give someone a second chance who doesn't truly deserve one?

 

It makes me sick to realize I spent a year and a half with this girl and she never really felt anything for me... because those old feelings never went away -- And the only reason why I got with her was because they were supposed to be gone!

 

(sorry to all you divorced men/women.... I realize this 3 year skid seems like nothing compared to your 20 years.... but I still need help )

[wx3]

heres the basic story and my first post ever on this site http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72318/

[mav100]

A year is a long time to be together with someone and have them turn around and suddenly feel like they miss their ex. She already gave him another shot, and he blew it - that's why she came back...

 

It seems like the original break up was quite amicable, which was one of the reasons she came back around - she felt safe with you. Just out of curiousity, after reading your original post, did you maintain the N/C with her, or did you speak on and off? Did she approach you about getting back together, or did you approach her?

 

I'd have to say, either way, you were burned once already by her for this guy (whom I'm sorry to say sounds like a real loser). What she originally did almost seems to border on the unforgivable. But to come back for a second try that lasts a year and then to suddenly develop feelings again for an ex? That's just out of line. If the feelings were not gone, she should not have come back in the first place. It seems like she was just using you as a rebound for a second time.

[thecount]

Well... I find myself back on this site again after over a year. I cant find my last thread i started, but I'll recap what happened back then and what's happening now.

 

About three years ago, a girl and I began casually dating. It escalated into more... but a previous boyfriend got back into the mix (he had broken up with her). She was basically torn between her new boy and that guy... and I let her go because I felt if we had any future at all... it would be after he was out of the way.

 

They got back together, dated for approximately half a year.... and he left her -- for drugs and the party life.

 

She was crushed... and I was there to keep her on her feet. I let myself become the rebound guy again . Anyway... we got back together, but it was 3 months after their breakup.

 

I had no idea she wasn't ready.

 

Now, after a year and half of being together... she's remembering the past. I've been told she needs time to think and decide what she wants (all those cliche breakup lines).

 

She has feelings for the old guy again. She told me hes "cleaning up", etc. but I know for a fact he's being saying that for YEARS. I just don't want her to set herself up to get hurt again...

 

 

I love this girl... and I know what I have to do... for now. The problem I have.... isn't "How do I get the girl I love back", because I truly understand the concept of letting one you love go. My problem is.. if she comes back.... do I risk going through with this again? Do you give someone a second chance who doesn't truly deserve one?

 

It makes me sick to realize I spent a year and a half with this girl and she never really felt anything for me... because those old feelings never went away -- And the only reason why I got with her was because they were supposed to be gone!

 

(sorry to all you divorced men/women.... I realize this 3 year skid seems like nothing compared to your 20 years.... but I still need help )

It seems to me that you don't have a problem letting her go, and do her thing. WHat you do have a problem with is staying away from her.

 

You just think buy letting her do whatever she wants she'll eventually see the kind of guy you are and come running back to you. Which she has, you're that kind of guy. A doormat.

 

I think you deserve much better then that. Don't ever let someone treat you like she has. He's cleaning up. What the sh*t is that. It's ok, get pissed off, you have every right not to contact her again.

 

The best thing for you to do is to walk. Let her see that you don't need her, and can live fine without her. You don't need that kind of crap dragging you down. Find someone that will appreciate you for the guy that you are, and not a doormat.

[Guest]

WX3,

 

I know that you said should you give her a second chance, but I read your old posts and taking her back again if the situation arises would be her 3rd chance with you. Do you realize that? I personally see a pattern with her behavior that you should obviously see too. You seem like a pretty smart person, and smart people dont let the same person hurt you over and over.

 

Look, certain people have certain behaviors that they swear will change. She doesnt seem to be changing. (obvious pattern). Their has to be more problems in your relationship than just her issue with this other guy. Its easy to remember all the good, but dont forget all the bad too. This is just the issue at hand, but it seems to me that their are many other issues.

 

Right now since the breakup is new, it would be hard to deny her if she was to come back. You still care about her. Take your heart out of the situation and think about it logically. What does your HEAD know is the right thing to do, not your heart.

 

I think you should make it your personal goal to move on, so if/when she does come back like she has done before, you can say you have moved on. She doesnt deserve you to take her back again. What in her behavior says she does? If you do, you will be saying "Its ok for doing the same thing to me twice" without even saying those words. IT IS NOT OK! Sometimes enough is enough and you just have to stick up for yourself no matter how bad it hurts.

 

What do you think? And if you disagree....what in your mind would make it ok? Dont you think you deserve better? I promise its out there....

[wx3]

there were times when we were together that she forgot all about this guy. I will be the first to admit... I was far far too good to this girl. I'd tend to her every need.... and she was undoubtedly very dependent on me. As time grew on, we both began to see that she couldn't even go a day without being with me.. and we'd argue, etc. I initiated a break -- so she could clear her thoughts, become more independent, etc. Her ex found out about the break, began declaring his love for her... and ultimately confusing her all over again. I guess she reached a breaking point... because here is the message I received from her (she sent the same message to the other guy):

 

I'm going to stop bothering u with this and burdening your life, this is getting bad and even my friends wont talk to me about this situation anymore because they see how its affecting everyone.. i cant hold the weight of all this on my shoulders anymore...we are all just keeping each other in this and I'm tired of hurting people..i want to break free from both of you...yall have been in my life back and forth for 3 years and I'm not saying that at times we didn't have amazing moments, I'm just saying that times like these..I'm done with..as for the future, I have no comment on that. I can't predict or deny that anything may happen... because I just need to be alone for now. I hope u find some kind of happiness.

 

 

Its been about a day since I read that from her... I responded but all i said was "I love you.. but it's a shame you feel this way. Some people just never realize which people in their life truly love them."

 

We haven't spoken since. It's clear I need to move on.. but I can't help but think if this other guy actually does go away.. we'd be happy together. It's clear her feelings never had a chance to go away completely (they broke up in Dec. 2005 and we began dating in Feb. 2006). Its not about "what do I do until she comes back"... its about...

 

WHAT DO I DO IF SHE COMES BACK?? I see so much potential... because the times we were together were seriously the best times of my life. Our relationship has always been surrounded by drama... but I think it will be going away soon... The other guy is moving 4 hours away this summer, while myself and my ex will be still near each other.

 

Any thoughts, questions, and comments are greatly appreciated.

[SMU82]

WX3,

 

Congrats! You are my first post! A friend suggested I visit this website!

 

I know that you said should you give her a second chance, but I read your old posts and taking her back again if the situation arises would be her 3rd chance with you. Do you realize that? I personally see a pattern with her behavior that you should obviously see too. You seem like a pretty smart person, so why would you let her hurt you over and over?

 

Look, certain people have certain behaviors that they swear will change if given the time. She doesnt seem to be changing. (obvious pattern). With my job as a guidance counselor I look for patterns in peoples behavior. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

I understand that you had great times with this girl...you wouldnt have been with her for as long as you were if you didnt. BUT there has to be more problems in your relationship than just her issue with this other guy. Its easy to remember all the good, but dont forget all the troubling times too. This is just the issue at hand, but it seems to me that their are many other issues.

 

If you dont listen to anything, listen to this:

 

Right now since the breakup is new, it of course would be hard to deny her if she was to come back. You still care about her. Take your heart out of the situation and think about it logically. What does your HEAD know is the right thing to do, not your heart. It seems to me that you know the right answer, but are looking for affirmation. Is that true?

 

I think you should make it your personal goal to move on, so if/when she does come back like she has done before, you can say you have moved on. She doesnt deserve you to take her back again. What in her behavior says she does? If you do, you will be saying "Its ok for doing the same thing to me twice" without even saying those words. IT IS NOT OK! Sometimes enough is enough and you just have to stick up for yourself no matter how bad it hurts.

 

Also think about this.... the way you feel about her now is the way she is feeling about him (the other guy). That should make you pissed. Do you want to be back with that even if she says she is over him again? Do you want to be her second choice? Does she deserve to even have you as an option? Could you ever trust her again? Could the relationship be mutual were you know that she loves you as much as you love her? Could you really trust her? Would you be able to stand tall everyday knowing that she loves you with all her heart, totally forgetting all the drama you have been through (not just pushing it aside, but actually forgetting)? You should be able to answer all these questions with yes if you were in a loving relationship.... and if I were you in your situation, my answers would be NO. (These are the questions I ask my patients that I work with in relationship issues, especially divorce

 

Look, although you can see the bright side of things and realize that within a matter of months the other guy will be gone, doesnt mean that she is the girl for you. Just answer the question above!Sometimes you have to open your eyes, look at the facts, and realize that although good times were had before, she has hurt you TWICE now with the same situation and hoping on "what-if's" is a waste of time. She MIGHT get over him, She might realize what she missed, she might come back to you.... but look at the facts....she has hurt you twice and that is all we know for sure

 

What do you think? And if you disagree....what in your mind would make it ok? Dont you think you deserve better? I promise its out there....we live in a big, big world

 

P.S. I tried submitting this before, but it didnt show up... sorry if it shows up twice.

[Island Girl]

I guess she reached a breaking point... because here is the message I received from her (she sent the same message to the other guy):

 

I'm going to stop bothering u with this and burdening your life, this is getting bad and even my friends wont talk to me about this situation anymore because they see how its affecting everyone.. i cant hold the weight of all this on my shoulders anymore...we are all just keeping each other in this and I'm tired of hurting people..i want to break free from both of you...yall have been in my life back and forth for 3 years and I'm not saying that at times we didn't have amazing moments, I'm just saying that times like these..I'm done with..as for the future, I have no comment on that. I can't predict or deny that anything may happen... because I just need to be alone for now. I hope u find some kind of happiness.

 

Well she is really good at word manipulation.

 

You say she sent this to BOTH of you.

 

So to you both she says, "we had great times" -- but she's "done for now"

 

Because, the icing on the cake, "she can't predict or deny anything might happen" meaning there is a possible chance somewhere down the line FOR EITHER ONE OF YOU.

 

Its been about a day since I read that from her... I responded but all i said was "I love you.. but it's a shame you feel this way. Some people just never realize which people in their life truly love them."

 

Oooo. Ouch. You shouldn't have responded or at the very least -- like that. You sound 'weak'. I don't think I can explain it better than that without having to go into a really long paragraph.

 

She sent you a message that was generic. She ended it and kept her options open as far as she is concerned.

 

And her special memories that she shared with you are lumped together with special memories of him -- the drug addict who "hurt her".

 

That doesn't piss you off in the least?!!

 

She has put the two of you in the same category. She doesn't even have enough caring for either one of you to type an individual message. How long would that take? An extra few minutes? If it was detailed and thoughtful - possibly 30 minutes maybe?!!

 

It doesn't even occur to you how back handed this is?!!

 

You have no sense of righteous indignation?!!

 

WHAT DO I DO IF SHE COMES BACK?? I see so much potential...

 

What do you do?

 

You run for the hills. The potential you see -- everybody gets. There is obviously nothing so special about you that she attempts to discern between you and her other.

 

That to me isn't a whole lot of potential unless you just want a lifelong future of being a complete and utter doormat while she walks in and out of your life continuously.

 

So you can't be in contact at all for your own good.

 

Forget her. If she attempts at contact which she will when she needs an ego boost and needs to feel cared about - just don't respond. Become very familiar with the delete key and use it. Don't read and reread her messages.

 

She obviously can suck you in really well. Don't give her the chance.

 

The two of you have done wonders together. He tears at her self esteem and you boost it back up.

 

It is largely due to you that she has the self-esteem to make this move. She sucked it out of your actions and your caring for her. ---That doesn't directly translate into love for you though.

 

In fact because you readily allowed yourself to become the rebound guy twice she probably has such little respect for you that there not a chance she would ever see a real future with you.

 

I'm sorry if this is blunt. But it sounds like you need a wake up call.

 

I hope you gain a new perspective of what she has said and her actions toward you.

 

You need to move on to someone else. Too much has happened and you have sacrificed yourself waaay too much.

 

Find a new love and don't make the same mistakes.

[wx3]

It would hurt and be a wakeup call if I wasn't already thinking it myself. Its just difficult because she was a large part of my life, and theres a large void without her to spend time with, etc. I know I need to move on... but I know shes a really nice person, so I have a hard time calling her things like "manipulator", etc. We're both very stressed out with the situation, and its definitely best we stop talking for now. Its gonna be hard to "run for the hills" if she comes back... because she will come back for a friendship before anything....

 

I now know the only way I'd take her back is if she grows up.... because I've always felt she was so immature on the outside it affected her ability to maturely love someone.

[SMU82]

Well it sounds to me like you have a good atttitude about the whole ordeal. In all honesty, to expect you to feel NOTHING after all this time is an impossible request.

 

If you do anything, try to stay positive in all other aspects of your life. Enjoy your free time.... go out with friends. The more you do, the less you will spend analyzing the situation. Sometimes you just have to let life take it's course without trying to alter it.

 

Have you ever head the saying "Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers??" I think that's so true. Well in this situation you just have to take the situation as is...move forward... and IF she comes back, maybe you will have moved on. Unfortunately its a hard truth that some girls not matter how nice can be manipulative without even meaning it.

 

I can understand how difficult denying a friendship would be...but remember friendship is one thing, a relationship is another. Never enter a friendship with hopes of a relationship... someone always gets hurt. With or without her you will be fine. Do you have any hopes and dreams for the future? Think about how long life is.

 

I think you know that life moves on... no one says it will be easy, but its your job to do your best to move on... take life as it comes.... try not to be so analytical. Sometimes things arent as deep as they seem. Look at the facts and deal with reality. Dont waste your time hoping that your relationship MIGHT work out. You seem like the type of guy that can see potential in just about anyone. Sadly not everyone lives up to their full potential. Your job now is to not help her to live up to her fullest potential, for that is her job. You now need to focus on YOU and try your darndest to live up to yours. FOR YOU!

 

My last question to you is I guess I am still confused how you can justify taking her back after she's hurt you with the same situation, not once but twice. I guess that still bothers me. You just keep saying you might if she changes....havent you seen she hasnt changed? Dont you think that even though she is a nice girl, you can find someone else later in life and get rid of all the baggage????

Write back with any questions and Keep in Touch.

[wx3]

its in my weakest moments that I consider taking her back. Under no circumstances do I feel she is deserving of my love... but you are right. Whether or not you actually said it, I seem to always set myself up to be disappointed. I know this girl can love a person fully because I know how much she felt for THE OTHER GUY before I got involved. I guess it was always just a stupid, immature goal to one day have her love me the way I knew she loved her ex. I really have no clue what I'll do if she comes back... shes already tried in several ways to tell me she's sorry, etc. I've avoided the small talk... I'm waiting to see if she actually cares. I'll have to see the fashion in which she feels "I'm the one for her".... ya know? If she dates around and realizes I was the only one to make her happy... then No... I wouldn't be okay with that. But, if she wakes up tomorrow (LOL, yeah right) and miraculously regrets everything shes done... then that would make this whole ordeal forgivable. I know I love her... but I really hate being treated this way....

 

I guess I'm too forgiving... I've just always been taught to give people chances until you cant forgive them any longer.... (You'd have to be in my life to know why I feel this way). Maybe she'll change... but probably not.

 

I'm tired of the drama... and I won't ever let THAT back into my life.

[SMU82]

Hey there,

 

Well I first want to say good for you. Why? For being honest with yourself. Sometimes that is the hardest step. If you are honest with anyone in this world it should be yourself.

 

Secondly, I think being very forgiving is a quite a blessing that not everyone is blessed with but it can also be a curse. Just keep in mind that forgiveness should never come at the detriment of oneself. (Meaning forgiving over and over to the point where you set yourself up to get hurt is never a good, healthy choice). Finally forgiveness reaches a point where it hurts more than it helps.

 

Finally, I can understand your desire and determination to get her to love you as much as she once loved him....thats because you know how silly she is for not realizing what she's left behind, but heres a question....should love really need convincing?

 

If someday she reaches that point and finally loves you that much too.... how will it feel? Good? Personally, I dont think so. What I would feel would be frustration, anger, and curiousity about whether or not she truly wants to be with me or if it was something you convinced her of. The only way love feels right is when its given without regret, without conditions, without convincing. Until then you will never be able to truly stand with your head up high, full of confidence, and know that your girlfriend loves you because of who you are, not because you convinced her to see what she has missed. Thats her loss (and you will realize soon enough....it will be your gain). Find someone who loves you for you....regardless of the circumstances, and without hesistation.

PS. I hope you dont mind all the advice, but its strange... since I first read your story, I felt compelled to help/check up on you. I think its because I have seen so many cases like this before with my job and I dont want you to make a very common mistake. Take or leave the advice....just my professional opinion.

[SMU82]

Hey there,

 

Well I first want to say good for you. Why? For being honest with yourself. Sometimes that is the hardest step. If you are honest with anyone in this world it should be yourself.

 

Secondly, I think being very forgiving is a quite a blessing that not everyone is blessed with but it can also be a curse. Just keep in mind that forgiveness should never come at the detriment of oneself. (Meaning forgiving over and over to the point where you set yourself up to get hurt is never a good, healthy choice). Finally forgiveness reaches a point where it hurts more than it helps.

 

Finally, I can understand your desire and determination to get her to love you as much as she once loved him....thats because you know how silly she is for not realizing what she's left behind, but heres a question....should love really need convincing?

 

If someday she reaches that point and finally loves you that much too.... how will it feel? Good? Personally, I dont think so. What I would feel would be frustration, anger, and curiousity about whether or not she truly wants to be with me or if it was something you convinced her of. The only way love feels right is when its given without regret, without conditions, without convincing. Until then you will never be able to truly stand with your head up high, full of confidence, and know that your girlfriend loves you because of who you are, not because you convinced her to see what she has missed. Thats her loss (and you will realize soon enough....it will be your gain). Find someone who loves you for you....regardless of the circumstances, and without hesistation.

 

PS. I hope you dont mind all the advice, but its strange... since I first read your story, I felt compelled to help/check up on you. I think its because I have seen so many cases like this before with my job and I dont want you to make a very common mistake....loving so much and forgiving so easily that you constantly set yourself up to get hurt. Take or leave the advice....just my professional opinion.

[wx3]

I completely agree.... I know theres someone else out there....

 

I'm thinking the reason I've been dwelling and keeping her around for so long was just the fear of starting over...

 

Thank you for everything.... trust me... I have completely changed my outlook on this situation and I feel that I have a much stronger control over the way I will act from here on out

[SMU82]

I just wanted to say congrats on your new perspective. Starting over fresh and new should feel great after a while. Be strong, have fun, and remember you deserve much better.

 

Its been a pleasure.... dont hesitate to write back if you need any advice again.

[wx3]

eek...

 

I saw her today (so much for NC ) and to be honest she treated me wayyyyyy differently -- in a bad way. I had no idea why she was motivated to be rude... so I just walked off.

 

Later on around 4:30 she sent me a text appologizing for being rude, but she made the comment "I just dont want to lead you on".

 

I didn't know how to respond to that... so I just left it alone... but later on she sent me another text reading "my feelings for you have changed because of how frustrating this situation is for me"

 

I don't even know what she's talking about. I treat her like a normal person now instead of a girlfriend... and she takes my new actions and tells me it has changed the way she feels for me.

 

What is she trying to get me to do/say? I still have feelings for her... but I dont want her to have the chance to suck me back in...

[CaliGuy]

eek...

 

I saw her today (so much for NC ) and to be honest she treated me wayyyyyy differently -- in a bad way. I had no idea why she was motivated to be rude... so I just walked off.

 

Later on around 4:30 she sent me a text appologizing for being rude, but she made the comment "I just dont want to lead you on".

 

I didn't know how to respond to that... so I just left it alone... but later on she sent me another text reading "my feelings for you have changed because of how frustrating this situation is for me"

 

I don't even know what she's talking about. I treat her like a normal person now instead of a girlfriend... and she takes my new actions and tells me it has changed the way she feels for me.

 

What is she trying to get me to do/say? I still have feelings for her... but I dont want her to have the chance to suck me back in...

 

So keep treating her the same way.

 

She said she doesn't want to lead you on so prove to her she isn't bothering you. Don't go out of your way to seek her out, but don't go out of your way to avoid her.

 

Treat her like anyone else you know whom isn't a close personal friend. Guard your private life (don't give her any straight answers) and simply ignore her messages.

[SMU82]

Well, always seeing someone again after a break up is awkward. And actually, I couldnt have explained to you a way to handle the situation ANY better than Cali Guy....plus take a good look at those quotes.... those are two things you really need to get into your head.

 

Here is where I am concerned/confused.... she has TOLD YOU that she doesnt want to lead you on and she has outwardly said that she doesnt feel the same way anymore. Are you hearing what you want to hear or are you actually LISTENING? That is your answer!!!!!

 

My main concern is this.... I need you to explain to me why you still have strong enough feelings for this girl that through all this.... the rudeness, confusion, games, etc you are still hanging around. Do you not want better for yourself? By hanging around, you are SETTLING. Breaking up is never easy, but you are making this harder on yourself than it should be.

 

Dont over analyze her comments.... you need to TAKE THEM AT FACE VALUE.... open your eyes and realize that maybe she really isnt interested anymore. If she becomes interested later, you shouldnt want her anyway b.c it took her too long to DECIDE that she likes you.... hence the reason I like the quote "Never make someone a priority that only has you as an option!"

 

I am sorry if I sound rude... its hard to type in a letter tough love, but that is what you need. I dont even know you, nor does anyone else on this site, but we are all telling you the same thing! Why do you think that is?

 

 

Well, because WE ALL CAN SEE YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

 

IT IS OBVIOUS YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.... IF THAT MEANS GETTING HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE... YOU NEED TO DO SO! No matter how muchit hurts!

 

Sometimes you lose a good friend in a break up.... you just have to deal with it and move on. Afterall, there are much worse things that could happen to you than this! Be a man and stand up for yourself!