Just heartbroken, left wondering

[stace79]

Many of you may have heard parts of my sob story already...sorry.

 

This guy I started dating last year still had feelings for an ex of four years, who for about two years had insisted she didn't want a serious commitment with him. I got involved with him because his behavior showed me he really cared for me, and also I didn't realize the extent of this ex situation.

 

She continued to deny any sort of commitment with him, and finally he and I started dating exclusively. As soon as she found out about me, she suddenly started begging him for another chance, crying about how she missed him and she didn't know what she had until it was gone, etc. etc.

 

He put her off and was faithful to me up through Christmas, at which point she e-mailed him saying she could no longer talk to him because it was too painful since he was with me. This scared him and he told me he needed a "break" to figure things out. Of course he kept seeing me and her (her not as often as she lives two hours away from us). In February he said he just didn't want to date anyone so he could work on himself. He still wanted us to be "friends." We stopped seeing each other as much, but when we did hang out he still wanted to cuddle and hold hands, and he'd kiss my forehead and stuff like that.

 

This week, he's told me he has to find resolution with his ex before he can fully love me like he should, although he has professed his "love" for me numerous times this week especially. I was so angry...I told him to leave and never contact me again. He was crying. I began removing him from my life as soon as he left (at like 11 pm). Deleting emails, phone numbers, etc....I found a gift card his parents gave me and something he gave me for Christmas, and I decided I wanted it out of my house. So I drove it to his apartment at like midnight. I also wanted something I left at his place. He begged me to come inside and talk to him. He said if this was going to be the last night he would ever see me/talk to me, that he would do anything to keep me there, even listen to me cry and say horrible things to him.

 

Eventually he ended up holding me, and of course we ended up making love twice. He didn't make the move so I know he wasn't just trying to get sex...plus he has never been that type of guy since I met him a year ago. He kept telling me how much he loved me, but that he could never move on with me or anyone else unless he resolved the thing with his ex once and for all.

 

The next day he had to go to an appointment, but then invited me back over in the afternoon. We hung out watching tv and I took a nap, we made love again, we had dinner together and watched basketball and then I left to go home. He was very sweet, touchy-feely...kissing my forehead, holding my hand. Just the way he looks at me makes me want to melt.

 

I know I screwed up by acting this way after what he told me. I can't make any excuses for why I did it. I just love the guy. However, I don't understand his reasoning at all. He said he was going to talk to his ex and ask her how she felt about working things out. I guess this is just a hopeless situation.

 

I told him even if he didn't work things out with his ex and came back to me, I would feel second best, I would always wonder in the back of my head if they were still talking. I wouldn't trust him. It totally breaks my heart, but I think this is just the end of he and I completely. And I don't know what to do now.

 

He begs me not to cut him off completely. He asks if he can at least e-mail me once a week or once a month. I just don't think I can take any type of contact with him if he is getting back together with this ex. I thought I had a point when I started typing this, but apparently not. Thanks for reading....I'm pretty sure I know what a lot of people will say in response, but it always helps to hear other's opinions.

[EC]

 

I know I screwed up by acting this way after what he told me. I can't make any excuses for why I did it. I just love the guy. However, I don't understand his reasoning at all. He said he was going to talk to his ex and ask her how she felt about working things out. I guess this is just a hopeless situation.

 

I told him even if he didn't work things out with his ex and came back to me, I would feel second best, I would always wonder in the back of my head if they were still talking. I wouldn't trust him. It totally breaks my heart, but I think this is just the end of he and I completely. And I don't know what to do now.

 

He begs me not to cut him off completely. He asks if he can at least e-mail me once a week or once a month. I just don't think I can take any type of contact with him if he is getting back together with this ex. I thought I had a point when I started typing this, but apparently not. Thanks for reading....I'm pretty sure I know what a lot of people will say in response, but it always helps to hear other's opinions.

 

Uh yea you basically answered your own question. lol He wants her..he doesnt know if things will work out really with her..so he wnats to e-mail you once a month to have you on the Back bunner just in case. Your his life float in case his ship hits an iceberg and he has to jump off.

 

You deserve better. You dont need to be second best.

[lorr]

I know its sad but some people give second chances a go, as a way of going back in order to move forward. In some circumstances it can be a good idea to go back one last time, even if you think it won't work. Maybe its a case of "What ifs" on his part and he's just convincing himself that it may or may not work.

 

In the mean time stop letting him use you as an emotional security blanket to satisfy his needs. The best thing you can do is to let him go. You deserve to be with someone who is going to put you first, rather than a bloke who is confusing you and himself in the process.

[stace79]

I know you are exactly right, and I even told him I thought he should do this...to either reconcile with her or know once and for all that they aren't meant to be together. I just don't know what to do with myself. Well, actually I guess I know that I should just remove him from my life for good, but he keeps begging for any kind of contact I'll give him. He told me over and over yesterday how he loves me and he will always love me. I just don't get it. How do you love someone (me) but at the same time let someone else come between you?

 

I know its sad but some people give second chances a go, as a way of going back in order to move forward. In some circumstances it can be a good idea to go back one last time, even if you think it won't work. Maybe its a case of "What ifs" on his part and he's just convincing himself that it may or may not work.

 

In the mean time stop letting him use you as an emotional security blanket to satisfy his needs. The best thing you can do is to let him go. You deserve to be with someone who is going to put you first, rather than a bloke who is confusing you and himself in the process.

[EC]

When you want something not anyone nor anything can hold you back from being with them!!

[lorr]

The only time he will know if you mean business is by distancing yourself from him. Once he sees that you are not waiting around for him, is when you'll truly know what his true intentions are.

 

I was in a similar situation years ago, where he had ended a relationship with his then girlfriend that he had been with for many years. At that time we got together I have to say I was extremely cautious. Turns out that his girlfriend couldn't handle the breakup and wanted him back. He didn't tell me about it, until I received an email from her telling me otherwise.

 

Although he was adamant that he wanted to be with me, I still did not feel convinced as I was more concerned about the history they shared, so I broke it off with him.

He contacted me and I refused any form of communication. This went on for a couple of months and I have to say that he was very persistent. He never gave up at all, and by then I felt that I was able to establish communication.

During that period we talked and aired out our grievances and decided to take the relationship slowly and start afresh.

 

I hope what I've written is of some help to you.

 

IMHO I really do think you should back off from him and learn to put yourself first. If he really wants to be with you, then he'll know where to find you.

[stace79]

I didn't think so either, but everyone objective in this situation has told him if he doesn't find out what the deal is with his ex, he won't ever be able to fully give me his heart. I would also say that if someone of my friends asked me for advice in a situation like this.

 

I know that what I should do is just say goodbye. I even told him the other night that I didn't want him to contact me unless something changed, and even then I probably wouldn't answer if he called and that he should leave a message. Because like I told him, even if he did come back to me, I don't know if I could trust him again.

 

Further, I think that she will tell him she wants to work things out no matter what she really feels, because clearly she just doesn't want him to be with anyone else (judging by how she did a total 180 when she found out he was seriously dating me).

 

Lastly, I asked him what happens if she says she isn't ready to date exclusively yet? I predicted he would continue going on with this indecision of his, because he lets her call and tell him how much she misses him/loves him etc, even though her actions don't back it up. He thinks he can stay friends with her. And, even if they do try to reconcile, she lives two hours away and he said it won't work if she can't move closer to him (her job/location is more flexible than his, I guess). I just think he has this unrealistic expectation that I will be there for him if/when this doesn't work out.

 

I suppose I'm just denying and delaying the inevitable here, and I wish there was a way to make myself do what I need to do.

 

When you want something not anyone nor anything can hold you back from being with them!!

[stace79]

I know you are definiltely right. I really feel in my heart that he and I have so much potential, and he has expressed the exact same to me. That's what makes this so hard. I am afraid if I let go now, it will really be over for good. Which maybe it should be.

 

I also know that if he did get back together with his ex, it's not fair for him to still be seeing me, knowing the feelings we have for each other. I wouldn't want him still seeing her if the shoe was on the other foot. So I guess that is what I have to do. I just hate trying to get over it. I have yet to feel confident I can "get by" without him around...yes, yes I know I should have more self-esteem and confidence, but I just don't. He's been like half my world for the past year. =o( But thanks for your advice. It always helps me to hear other people's stories and perspectives.

[EC]

It truly is for the best...

 

to be wise is to call things by their true name. And honestly no matter how many ways you put it or he puts it..no matter how much love and how much you have shared..the bottom line is = he is telling you I love you but i have to make sure this does or doesn't work. If it does work out with her lets keep in touch and be friends..if it doesn't then I will let you know and Finally love you like you deserve to be loved"

 

WTf you deserve better than that girlfriend!

[2ndIINone]

He begs me not to cut him off completely. He asks if he can at least e-mail me once a week or once a month.

translates to... "Can I please keep you on the back burner...???? Ya know, cause the sex is good."

 

You sound sad.... you SHOULD be furious and disgusted. Check your back and see if you can find the word Welcome anywhere...

 

Guy advice here... sorry to be so blunt... I see and hear of this all too often and can never quite understand it.

 

He doesn't have ANY respect for you at all.... and if you jump at every chance to hang with him.... he never will have any respect for you.

You were totally right for feeling second best... understandable... But He isn't totally to blame here, simply because YOU allow it.

Ask yourself this... if your bestest GF was goin' through this with her off/on boyfriend... would ya tell her to hang in there and wait for him?

 

Distant yourself. You don't deserve that crap.

[stace79]

I go back and forth between sad and depressed to angry and disgusted. I can admit he's VERY good at manipulating me. I always thought I was the most charming person alive...but he's definitely got me beat. The hard part is I don't believe he has bad intentions. I know some guys just don't give a crap if they use and abuse a woman's feelings. Anyway, my point is I know you're right, I'm just trying to figure out how to get myself through the rough times of not talking to him anymore. He's currently my best friend as well as someone I love.

[2ndIINone]

He's currently my best friend as well as someone I love.

I can relate, without getting into details. But I have learned... if she truly was my best friend and loved me the way she said... then she would not have treated me the way she did.

A true best friend, would know how to treat you. A true best friend would know the difference between right.... and wrong.

Ever notice when someone treats you unfair and NOT the way you'd like them to.... you find yourself MORE attracted to them? Kinda makes that person .... a challenge, no? Sometimes this can blind a person from seeing the truth.

[stace79]

Well I guess you guys will be proud of me. I talked to him tonight....I actually was going to give in and agree to watch our college in the NCAA tourney. But for whatever reason...he said something to me that just made me snap. I don't even remember what it was...but i told him I had made a mistake in ever seeing him after I was already angry with him on Wednesday. I said I was right the first time in that we just couldn't see/talk to each other again.

 

At this of course he sort of freaked...said if I still wanted to watch the game to just come over. I said no. He said "Well what if I need to contact you to tell you what happened with me and the ex?" I told him I don't care what happens. He was ditching me for another woman. I said if there is something he absolutely feels like I MUST know that he knows how to reach me. And he got all pissy about not wanting to call me if I just wasn't going to answer. I said if it was that important for him to reach me there is a thing called voicemail, but that if I was dating someone else that I would not call him back, because I would hever be so unfair as to put someone I was dating through what hes put me through the past year. (i.e. starting a relationship and only after the person starts liking you, telling them you are still caught up with an ex)

 

Anyway he cried and said how much he's going to miss me. But I just said he should have thought of that sooner before he hurt me. Anyway we hung up and that is it. I know in my heart it's the best thing...so why does it hurt so damn much???

[2ndIINone]

Well, for what it's worth... I think you handled it pretty well. Very mature about it too...

 

100% did the right thing.

Why does it hurt so much??? Hmmmm... There are million people asking the same question. And there are probably a million different answers.

 

But guess what? If you didn't stand up for yourself now.... you'd be hurting over and over for a longer period of time as he continued to drag you along for the ride on his rollercoaster. It was time to get off... giving YOU time to think... and hopefully... him too.

 

You WILL be pounded with texts', emails, phonecalls.... driveby's..... contacts in general.

 

Your selfasteem I would imagine, has been beat down pretty good. Regain strength.... remember you're #1...Be smart.... or it'll start all over again.

Keep ya chin up.... you sound like a 'good' girl.

[stace79]

Thank you. Want to be my rebound? haha just kidding....Surprisingly I didn't cry so much all night. I guess I am mostly cried out over this guy. On one hand, it's like I really want to just start dating as much as possible, but on the other hand, I am deathly afraid of ever feeling like I felt about him again. Is it better to just not date for awhile ya think?

[2ndIINone]

Rebound... maybe now you can understand what I wrote in the other thread about the 'rebound'. Imagine getting involved with a guy who really likes you, but you can't get your mind off of your ex. (or he is still in the picture) Would that be fair to the new guy? Your next relationship won't be a healthy one if YOU'RE not healthy going into it. Just like your ex wasn't healthy going into yours.

[lorr]

Well done Stace79! You handled things well,and you definetly did the right thing.

I know its hard, but now you can focus totally on yourself.

[stace79]

I'm just really apprehensive. I mean, I am telling myself over and over that he is going back to his ex and that he and I are over for good. But I KNOW in my heart of hearts that he WILL try and contact me again. It might be weeks or months, I just know he will. I'm afraid of that day. I guess I just can't worry about that for now....

 

If he ever did come back though, how would you guys react? I know my mom would want me to tell him to take a flying leap. If I still loved him if/when that happened, what should I do?

 

Well done Stace79! You handled things well,and you definetly did the right thing.

I know its hard, but now you can focus totally on yourself.

[stace79]

On that note, I do understand the seriousness of that type of situation. I told Marc that if he called and left a message and I was dating someone else, I was 99% sure I would not call him back, because I refuse to put some other guy in the position I've been in. It was horrible. I would never want to do that to anyone else. Have them wondering if I was still in love with my ex or what I was going to do. That's just mean.

 

Rebound... maybe now you can understand what I wrote in the other thread about the 'rebound'. Imagine getting involved with a guy who really likes you, but you can't get your mind off of your ex. (or he is still in the picture) Would that be fair to the new guy? Your next relationship won't be a healthy one if YOU'RE not healthy going into it. Just like your ex wasn't healthy going into yours.

[2ndIINone]

It might be weeks or months

Hah! it'll be days.... so be prepared.

 

I know my mom would want me to tell him to take a flying leap.

In my experience, I have found, people on the outside looking in that have absolutely nothing to gain or lose from someone elses relationship are ALWAYS right.

The minute you told him to take a hike... the ball was in your court. Keep it there.

 

Do you really love him? I mean, has he really given you a reason to love him? Or maybe... do you just really want him? Cause there's a big difference.

[stace79]

Hah! it'll be days.... so be prepared.

 

I don't know about this...I told him do not contact me unless it's something of life or death importance. And by that, I told him like if he got sick and was in the hospital, or if his family was sick or something like that. Otherwise, I told him if I ever felt like I could honestly be his friend, I would call him.

 

Do you really love him? I mean, has he really given you a reason to love him? Or maybe... do you just really want him? Cause there's a big difference.

 

I have thought about this so much, and I really do believe I love this man. We had talked about how our life would be living together, married, maybe even having kids some day. I even at one time, at the request of a therapist I saw, wrote down a list of the reasons I love him. I even surprised myself. I think I had only loved one person before him, and that wasn't even a romantic love, looking back now. As much as I complain about him, yes there are many reasons to love him. I hate admitting it, but I have tons of great memories with him...he always got mad because I said I just wanted to forget because it hurt too much.

 

Anyway, I could go into that if you wanted me to, but I might be here awhile. =)

[EC]

not sure how things are going now..but I think you did the right thing.

 

And c'mon that line "dont you want to know what happens with me and the ex?"

 

Hello! wtf? Dont you want to wait around and see if I will come back to you or not? Thats what it sounded like to me.

 

If a guy wants you he will fight for you and he didnt sound as if he was fighting much.

 

I just hope further down the line, if his ex rejects him, he doesnt come running back to you saying hey i made a mistake I left the ex for you I want you. Dont fall for that please.

[stace79]

We're still not talking or anything. I have a difficult time thinking about the what if he comes back to me part. I have one half of everyone saying that's a joke, I should never be someone's second choice. But then I have the other half saying that IF he was persistent enough and did enough to make me believe he was truly wanting me and loving me, that I could CONSIDER giving him a second chance. I just don't know. I'm pretty hurt. I guess I will have to wait and see. (Not meaning I won't date anyone waiting for him to come back.) I'm pretty numb these last two days. I've never gone this long without talking to him since I've known him.

[D-Lish]

baby girl.... Don't settle for being second best.

 

He actually brought up wanting to see if he could call you to let you know if something important transpired in regards to him and his ex??? Is he fu*#ing kidding?

 

Don't put up with that crap. The more you put up with it and allow it to happen, the more he will take advantage of you.

 

See how he did a 180 when his ex said she couldn't talk to him anymore? Hmmmm, wonder how he will react if you do the same thing. You have to pull NC and STICK to it.

 

You see, at the moment, you are convenient. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you... because I am sure he does. But he is gravitating towards what he CAN'T have... sad thing- human beings want what they can't have.

 

So, make yourself absent... see where that takes you. The worst thing that will happen is that you will heal...ya know?

 

D

[2ndIINone]

But he is gravitating towards what he CAN'T have... sad thing- human beings want what they can't have.

*ding ding ding* we have a winner!