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Fell in love with a friend... need .

Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 19th February 2007, 11:56 AM   #1
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Fell in love with a friend... need .

I always been intrested in her when I laid my eyes on her years back. She always used to come in with her BF to shop for video games at my old job . I was imediately attracted to her, felt kind of strange actually, kind of nostalgic , like we met before. I was alway so compelled to talk to her. It wasnt until 2 years later that she starting to work in the same shopping plaza as mine. I remember the day we became friends. I casually make my rounds to her store to buy some drinks and chips or whatever for my staff. I remember her waving at me while yelling out my name half way across her store. It was a good thing too, because I was always shy around girls. I don't think I would have ever went up to her if she haven't. She always knew me by name because me and her bf used to talk about games everytime he would shop, establishing friendship while we're at it.

I quickly became infatuated with her. I stopped by her work everyday, since she suggested that I should visit her sometimes. Also shared valuable starbucks time with her ,even gone out of my way to purposely remembering her birthday. I started to learn little more about her, I wanted to know the object of my affection , I started to see just how much we had in common.It seemed like we had alittle too much in common. She started to feel like a little sister to me, as my infatuation died down slowly. I got alittle closer with her . It took a while for us to actually start talkin on the phone. Talking to her for hours over the phone gets us to know each other more and more with each and every passing day. We started hanging out , purposely going out of our way to see each other. Me, her and her bf started hangout as well, going to the movies with just the three of us, arcades, restaurants.

Its funny how it just hit me one day... I noticed that I started to miss her. Holding on to the phone overnight , hoping she might call. Looked out my store window to see if she was there. Wanting to spend everyday with her. These feeling swelled up inside until I couldn't help it anymore... I knew I was in Love with her. I had to risk our friendship , I just had to tell her that I love her , it was killing me. It didn't matter whether she had the same feelings for me or not.. I was okay if she didnt share the same feelings. I talked to her over night about how I felt . She picked me up from my house the day after, to drive me to work, something she has never done before. We also started to see each other alone for couple of days. She started to go out of her way to visit me at my new store. I was happy... but at the same time.. felt alittle scared because I didn't know how she trully felt. On the fourth day I visited her work , she had a really sad look in her eyes... told me that she needed to talk to me on the phone that night. It was tough for her to bring it up, so I descided to help her to bring it out. She was in love with me as well... even though she didn't want to be and started to cry. She was already in a good relationship, and she knew in her head that it was wrong for her to have these feelings for me. I felt as if a tidal wave hit me in the face... I didn't think she would actually comeout and say that she loved me.

I underestimated love because I never been in love before... I was confused... I was a lost puppy. In my head I thought that loving someone is more than enough to be with someone, but reality isn't that simple. I was going against her already established relationship with my personal feelings for her. I made my first mistake that night by letting my emotion get the better of me. I pushed her away, I told her that I didn't want tobe around her, even though I told her couple nights before that I want tobe in her life as a friend than not tobe in her life at all. I was an idiot. I wanted everything or nothing.... so I thought. I was really depressed the day after.. I didn't eat anything all day and wanted to die, even called off work. I took a long nap to forget what had happened that night . As I woke up, I felt compelled to work it out with her somehow. I told her that I changed my mind ... We became easily attached again... Ever since that night our life started to go around in a circle. I kept pushing and pushing her to stay away only to change my mind.. she became my yo-yo, idiot that I am.

It was over a year since me and her became friends, our feelings for each other grew with every passing day. I fell into her more deeply and deeply... I had to try to obtain her, I wanted her tobe with me.. I learned a little bit about her reIationship with her man. I felt as if she was unhappy with him, and that she was sacrificing her personality . She was a caged bird to me and I felt the need of letting her out of that cage. I felt as if she wasn't herself with him. I wanted to provide her that freedom. He eventually found out about me and her. She had many fights with him because of me, she was in pain.... She always wanted to do everything right, so it was so hard for her to leave. I slowly started to loose faith in myself of being the man for her because one day he stopped fighting.. and descided to provide her the very thing that I provided her.. her love of art, her soul ..the only thing that made her like herself.

I lost my faith in her. I didn't think she would ever wanted tobe with me.I didn't think I she had a reason to anymore. I descided to back off, on the night of her birthday.. the night that could have changed everything between me and her. The night that she would have been mine. She was so happy that I came to visit her at home that night, wished her a happy birthday.... I gaved her a gift..a very painful gift ... I told her that I didn't think its good that we see each other anymore... I told her that I didn't want u to go through hard times because of me. I broke her heart.....something that you cant give back.

She quit her job because of me... lost her reason to work there... and life went on as it should.. but much slower. We always used to check each others myspace while we weren't seeing each other.. only then we can see just how we were doing.... We even communicated subliminally through our web blogs.. Her myspace became a tribute to me. Every memory that we shared was in her page. It took two painful month for me to go up to her again. I thought she was miserable and felt that I needed tobe with her. Well.....I was miserable without her... maybe it was more for me... I tried to barge into her life again....I wanted her back... I never tried so hard in my life... it became her turn to push me away... She told me that it was too late and she wants to be faitful to her bf because he was the only person there for her when I broke her heart... She also told me that she was ready to give herself to me that night. I still tried and tried, no matter how much it hurt me.

It's almost one year since I confessed my feelings... things has been getting bad between me and her. I started to see a side in her that I never seen before.. she started to snap, she became really unstable. She started to call herself a whore because of me, even though we never did anything physical with each other . I started to loose my focus as well... I started to loose it , saying things that I didn't mean..said that I gave up. Told myself that I'm not worthy , told myself that I failed to save her , I pushed her in deeper ... Every conversation somehow became a emotional battle between us. She would always tell me that I'm all talk and that I never did anything, that I did nothing . We would fight just to make up.. she even broke my heart couple of times.. She would tell me that she loves her man... and that she can't be like this with me. She even gave me back all the little proof of my heart that I gaved her. All that fighting made me feel as if I'm the cause of this pain. That I make her hate herself ... It's up to the point where she doesn't even know who she is anymore, her smile faded... she became numb... dead I used tobe before she came into my life. Started to give her a space for abit, she would always be in tears everytime I come back to her ..she said that she hated needing me. She said that she's never gonna paint again because its gonna remind her of me. She want's to erase me ... want's me to stop trying and that we made a mistake . I started to try harder , I started to tell her that I want tobe her friend... and that I will always be there for her .... no matter what , no matter how much she pushes me no matter how much hurtful things she says to me .. I want to see her smile again .. I want tobe there for her, even if she tells me that we can't be friends.... things that she used to say to me before I broke her heart... ... I made too many of the same mistake....

I would be lying if I said that I've completely given up on ever having her .... but im willing to push that aside to bring back what she once was... I am confused on what I should do... and how I can go about doing this... without hurting her... i want her to feel okay tobe herself...even though it hurts, I want to believe in her and I want her to believe me...I want tobe strong for her. I even told her to hate me, judge me so that it can make things easier for her. Am I doing the right thing?? I don't want to give up on her.... I don't want her tobe happy with being unhappy... but at the same time I don't want to stun her growth in life... I don't know to do anymore except to pray for her everyday....
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