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I want to die


burning 4 revenge

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burning 4 revenge

My sister went to hang out at the c*nt's house. I guess they ended up going out and the c*nt hooked up. My sister was going to crash there, but said she could'nt sleep because it was "too loud."

 

I want to die

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burning 4 revenge

seven months

 

we were only together nine

 

i think i hate just hate the fact that i'm alone and she can exercise options

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i think i hate just hate the fact that i'm alone and she can exercise options

Is that a financial term?

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seven months

 

we were only together nine

 

i think i hate just hate the fact that i'm alone and she can exercise options

 

 

All this business of feeding back hurtful information to you needs to stop.

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b4r - What ever happened to "blood is thicker than water?" Boy, if your sister insists on hanging with the (ex?), it sounds like she is being monumentally insensitive (I'm being nice here, since she is your sister) by sharing that level of detail with you. WTF? Does your sister have it in for you, like is she trying to twist the knife for some reason, or do you think she just doesn't "get it?"

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burning 4 revenge
b4r - What ever happened to "blood is thicker than water?" Boy, if your sister insists on hanging with the (ex?), it sounds like she is being monumentally insensitive (I'm being nice here, since she is your sister) by sharing that level of detail with you. WTF? Does your sister have it in for you, like is she trying to twist the knife for some reason, or do you think she just doesn't "get it?"

 

my sister can be insensitive but it is'nt intentional

 

she thinks i should've been over it a long time ago. she always says i told you what kind of woman she is

 

they were friends years before we got involved. i became friends with her through my sister when gigi was still married.

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i'll direct her to this thread when she wakes up though

 

Are you sure you want her to know your online identity? On your head be it...

 

List of instructions to b4r's sister.

 

1. If you must hang out with his ex-girlfriend while he's still getting over her, at least learn to do it with a modicum of discretion. Do not discuss her activities with other males. It's not exactly rocket science..is it?

 

2. If you have unresolved issues with b4r that make you want to "rub his nose in it" then start working on getting them resolved. My God, my brother used to be absolutely horrible to me, but you leave all that behind when you reach adulthood. Siblings are meant to support eachother.

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burning 4 revenge

i don't know if she is trying to rub in my nose, so mch as to underscore the fact that gig can be rather loose and isn't worth beating myself up over

 

still bothers me though

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i don't know if she is trying to rub in my nose, so mch as to underscore the fact that gig can be rather loose and isn't worth beating myself up over

 

still bothers me though

 

 

You need to tell her. Let her know that under no circumstances do you want to know what gig/"c*nt" is up to, as it only encourages you to focus on her and prevent the moving on process.

 

Two questions. One - if your sister doesn't have a particularly high opinion of g/c, why is she hanging out with her? Two - do you ever (and be brutally honest with yourself here) encourage your sister to tell you what g/c has been up to?

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i don't know if she is trying to rub in my nose, so mch as to underscore the fact that gig can be rather loose and isn't worth beating myself up over

 

still bothers me though

Well, it's that last point that should matter to your sis, then. But I couldn't have said it better than lindya with her list of instructions there. Print those out, and yeah, I would kill the loveshack URL and your screen name too...

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yeah, of course i do. why else would she say anything? but i can't help myself with this masochistic curiousity.

 

and gigi's a bit more social and glamorous than my sister, plus she's always been there for her. gigi isn't all that bad, but there were some really cruel things she said and did to me that for some reason make me want her more. maybe to even the score somehow, i don't know

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bluetuesday
yeah, of course i do. why else would she say anything? but i can't help myself with this masochistic curiousity.

 

there's immense value in getting so screwed up and being made so angry by another person that you're forced to confront the reality they really ain't worth it. and that moment of realisation can't happen until you're on the floor kicking and screaming for it to stop. you ain't there yet, b4r, that's all.

 

whatever bit of the situation you're beating yourself up about most - your anger at her for the break up, your anger at her for moving on, or your anger at her for (as you see it) preventing you from moving on - doesn't matter.

 

what matters is that once you really don't want to take it any more, you won't. at the moment, you want to take it. this i why you ask your sis what's going on with gigi. there's no other explanation. this is happening to you because you are letting it.

 

you're a clever bloke. it ain't like you don't know the score. you know you can stop this whenever you want to. i'm not saying it's easy, i'm saying you just don't want to yet. maybe you fear giving up the revengeful feelings you have towards her, 'cause what would you replace them with? maybe you've allowed them to define you, for now.

 

and even though i can't personally see why a guy like you who seems to have a lot to offer would allow some skank to do this to him, while you're calling the shots the way you are, nothing is going to change.

 

it's not your sister's fault for telling you. it's not gigi's fault for creating a situation where there is something to tell. it's your fault for allowing it to continually affect you. it could stop this instant. all it takes is for you to consciously acknowledge what is going on, accept that how you feel is your responsibility and not anyone else's, and make a new choice.

 

until then, we can expect more threads like this. :(

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it's your fault for allowing it to continually affect you. it could stop this instant. all it takes is for you to consciously acknowledge what is going on, accept that how you feel is your responsibility and not anyone else's, and make a new choice.

 

Exactly. The sister isn't the villain, nor is the ex. You can live till the end of your days picturing yourself a victim and hoping for attention for that but it's not much fun. Plus it keeps you from actually living.

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burning 4 revenge

i don't ask for her attention, i don't talk to her. she still wanted to be friends, but the way it all happened made that impossible fo me. my first post has the details, but it's long and rather a bore.

 

i do look for attention for my anger and suffering here. isn't that what ls is for?

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i do look for attention for my anger and suffering here. isn't that what ls is for?

 

Partly, yes - but you'll know that loss involves many different stages. Here's the usual list that seems to crop up in various theoris about loss and change:

 

Denial (it's not really over)

Anger (how could that &*%$ do that to me?)

Bargaining (Our father which art in Heaven. Bring my lover back to me, or I shall turn my life over to the practice of black magick to get what I want!)

Depression (the best bits of my life are over. I'll never be happy again)

Acceptance (It's his/her loss. Time to move on.)

 

They do say that people who are mourning a loss tend to fluctuate between the stages on a regular basis.

 

I guess LS is about supporting people through those stages, but hopefully it's also about encouraging people to see their happiness as something that's possible for them, and needn't be dependent on the whims of another person. Once you accept that, you're far better placed to start doing what you need to do in order to get happiness back into your life.

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Outcast and Bluetuesday are stating that rationality should be used to suppress bad emotions. I don't agree. It's unusual for a person to be able to do that. The emotions are there for a reason.

 

I think it's completely fair to expect that your sister would keep her mouth shut out of regard for your feelings. Right or wrong they are your feelings, and she should be sensitive to that. If she's trying some kind of "tough love" tactic on you to try and throw your ex's behavior in your face, she should knock it off. "Tough love" should never be anything but a complete last resort. I think anyone who feels qualified to administer it any other way is lacking in humility.

 

You might need "tough love", and your sister may be the right one to give it to you. But she should be kicking your butt to do the right thing for yourself, to not wallow, and to not allow thoughts of your irrelevant ex to continue to rule your life. Throwing your ex in your face is only cruel. It's not tough.

 

Speaking from my own experiences and considering some of the similarities with what you describe, I'll go out on a limb here. I would think that what hurts most is not what your ex did, as much as it is what she showed you about yourself. You might realize rationally that she's not even a desirable person. If you made a list of things you'd really want in a woman, she probably doesn't measure up. But it's what you became while you were with her and during the breakup that hurts the most. Maybe out of control and powerless. And that's hard to take. I've been there. That's hard to deal with.

 

For me, the loss of the girl didn't end up being that big a deal, because they weren't really worth being upset about. It's the explanation of my own behavior that was hard to figure out. But the pain I thought was caused by the girl, and it was more me facing myself. That was hard to figure out.

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I would think that what hurts most is not what your ex did, as much as it is what she showed you about yourself. You might realize rationally that she's not even a desirable person. If you made a list of things you'd really want in a woman, she probably doesn't measure up. But it's what you became while you were with her and during the breakup that hurts the most. Maybe out of control and powerless. And that's hard to take. I've been there. That's hard to deal with.

 

For me, the loss of the girl didn't end up being that big a deal, because they weren't really worth being upset about. It's the explanation of my own behavior that was hard to figure out. But the pain I thought was caused by the girl, and it was more me facing myself. That was hard to figure out.

 

Yes, I agree. The trouble with trying to face up to issues about yourself without the assistance of a fair and objective third party, however, is that it can easily lead to a certain amount of self-flagellation. You mentioned tough love, but sometimes we're a little too quick to apply that to ourselves, instead of forgiving ourselves for very human behaviour. Behaviour that might, in a different context and with a different person, have been deemed reasonable and acceptable.

 

One person's idea of unhealthy co-dependency might, for instance, be another's notion of healthy inter-dependency. I think people are often too quick to label themselves (and other people) with the more negative descriptions. I suppose that comes down to the human desire to "fix" ourselves and other people...but in order to fix something, you must first believe that it's broken. Sometimes it's less a case of a person being broken, as simply a case of them requiring some assistance to evolve into something stronger and happier.

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Outcast and Bluetuesday are stating that rationality should be used to suppress bad emotions. I don't agree. It's unusual for a person to be able to do that. The emotions are there for a reason.

 

Not at all. Rationality should be used to change the thinking that causes bad emotions. If your belief of choice is 'I'm no good as a man/human being and that's why she dumped me', then you are choosing to believe something that is not true and causing yourself grief because of that. You can turn your thinking around and think 'She just chose someone else because we're not well suited'.

 

It is absolutely possible to change your feelings by changing your thinking. That's what Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy (Albert Ellis and his followers) teach, it's their therapeutic approach, and it works. I personally testify that it works. It's worked for people I explained it to and for people who've read Ellis' books. It's not about pretending 'truth' doesn't exist. It's forcing yourself to look at actual truth rather than to allow yourself to believe untrue negative things.

 

You have to test your beliefs against fact. Nobody is 'not good enough' as a human just because one other human rejected them!!! And yes, it's tiresome to see that we were too accommodating/forgiving/unwilling to face reality when we were in relationships but that's what learning lessons is all about. You do stuff wrong, suffer consequences, and then go do it differently next time. It would be lovely, of course, if we could escape all the mistakes and do it all perfectly the first time but there's too much to know to be able to do that. Unless they locked us up with books on psychology and relationships until we were in sixties or seventies :laugh:;)

 

For a few more angles on the idea of thinking and feelings, check out

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=870892&postcount=16

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burning 4 revenge

Thanks for you responses.

 

Looking at your posts Lindya and Outcast I realize she never could have expressed herself the way you guys do. She was clever, but she didn't have the ability, or even desire to understand other human beings. She could be very judgemental and demeaning and it makes me realize I didn't love her for who she was. I'm not trying to flatter anyone, I just realize if she wasn't there in flesh and blood and all I had to go on were her thoughts and words she woul'nt have interested me.

 

She had her good points too. Most people do. She just lacked empathy.

 

And your right J what hurts is more about me than it is about her. The problem is she was there and not someone else. I think I'm just worried I'll die alone. Isn't that what so many of us fear?

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I'd give it another 30 years or so before I'd really worry about that if I were you. I know people who found the loves of their lives in their 50s and older.

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Also to follow up some more on what you said J ,I really let myself be humiliated. At first she adored me, but by the end she would mock my sexual perfromance in front of her friends, flagrantly cheat on me with someone else at work, and tell people that she thought I was a f*ggot for having a certain degree of ED. And I took it. Oh, I would insult her back, sometimes even make her cry ,but it was always obvious who was the slave and who was the master.

 

And I have to live with the fact that allowed that to happen to me for the rest of my life

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There was a study about rats. Which were rewarded with food every time they did something. Eventually, they would do the thing and not get food. Sometimes the even got shocked but they still did the thing (forget what it was - ring a bell maybe) - because sometimes they'd get the food.

 

I think we're a bit ratty sometimes. Once someone has given us love/affection/sex/acceptance - whatever it is we happened to need, we then can be kept around for a while, even through electric shocks, thinking the goodies will come our way again.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. Everybody's done it at least once. Then what you've learned is that the person you first meet is not the person you should fall in love with. You have to give a relationship enough time to learn what the person really is like before you allow your love to be given. Because, as you and so many of us have discovered, the person you fall for at first isn't necessarily the real person.

 

Usually the truth outs in a reasonable time (within a year or so, depending how much time you spend together), but I have heard of much scarier stories where men started abusing their wives after having been married for years so anything's possible. But those cases are rare and you just have to hope next time that if you are cautious for a reasonable amount of time that you'll end up with a more or less 'normal' person.

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Also to follow up some more on what you said J ,I really let myself be humiliated. At first she adored me, but by the end she would mock my sexual perfromance in front of her friends, flagrantly cheat on me with someone else at work, and tell people that she thought I was a f*ggot for having a certain degree of ED. And I took it. Oh, I would insult her back, sometimes even make her cry ,but it was always obvious who was the slave and who was the master.

 

And I have to live with the fact that allowed that to happen to me for the rest of my life

 

Ok - you had the option to walk away from someone who was doing that to you, but at the time you really didn't want to take that option. With hindsight, you might wish you had - but I think when you're confronted with extremely abusive behaviour, it can send you into a kind of shock, whereby you're not equipped to respond in a way that observers might expect you to.

 

You're now siding with all your critics (real, remembered or imagined) against yourself. Taking their stance and punishing yourself for not responding to the abusive treatment in some perfect, textbook manner.

 

Destructive critics live to gain some false sense of validation by invalidating other people, and I wouldn't recommend you associate with their mindset. If you want to remedy the fact that you "allowed" your ex to treat you badly, the best thing you can do is stop allowing those critics - both the external ones, and the ones inside your head - to abuse you.

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burning 4 revenge

It was an actual shock, like a trauma. It was so horrible to have somebody who once said they were in love saying those kinds of things it was almost like it wasn't real, like I felt numb. I tried to play it off as anger, or frustration, but I think I always realized deep down it was something more like contempt.

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