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Break Coping


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Well, I am here now. Girlfriend of 4yrs wants a break. She has to 'figure things out', but doesnt want to be with other people. She just needs time to herself. She says if we are meant to be we will. I want her back so badly, I cry all the time. What can I DO to make her want to come back to me. I have been too good to her. Her family loves me blah blah blah but she doesnt appreciate all that I do for her. Do I see her or what? I mean help please. I will explain more if necessary. I know I can't make her love me, but I can make her come back to me. We have to spend two weeks together for a wedding at end of July, how should I act then? Thanks.

 

HELP!

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To elaorate a little more since no one has responded. She is away right now but lives about 25 min from me. Her parents have invited me over for dinner several times since the 'break' period. She wants to be on break when we go back to school and wont put a time limit on it. I know that she may not come back but that is why I am asking for advice on how to act. I know not to smother her but should I tell her I love her and stuff or what? Help once again please.

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Anyone want to help a little? Not to be a pain, but I really don't know what to do. Thank you so much, if no one responds to this then I understand.

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the_alchemyst

Hmm.

 

I've gone through that whole "I need a break so I can have time for myself, but this doesn't mean I'm going to date other people because I still love you" thing; it sucks. It leaves you so clueless and makes you end up feeling really powerless: it were as though you are just waiting around, letting others make the calls on your life, which is not right.

 

What would I do? I would probably smile and say, "That's okay, I understand, honey," and shy away and go into hiding, pretending all's fine and dandy. Then when it came time to see him, I would smile and pretend like all's fine and dandy.

 

But I guess I do a lot of pretending, eh?

 

I'm not going to recommend that you do this, though, because it's not the way to go, really.

 

You sound like you are confused, not knowing where you guys stand at the moment--whether it's just a break or whether she's using "break" synonymously for "break up." I suggest that you talk to her. Don't pressure her or face her with an ultimatum, because those seldomly work in your favor. Just have a talk with her and ask her what she wants. If she says she wants a break so she can have time for herself, I suggest you ask her why she feels way. This will clarify some things for you as well as give her a chance to let out any feelings she may be witholding. Afterwards, just straight out ask her is you should expect her to come back. If she says yes, then leave it at that; if she says no, then say good bye.

 

So, let's hope she says yes. If she does, then just give her a hug and leave her be. Don't call, email, message, text or anything. Just give her the space she asked her, keeping in mind that you're going to see her soon, anyway.

 

If she contacts you before you guys see each other, then just talk to her, but without making metion of your relationship. She's the one who asked for space, so she needs to be the one to tell you she wants to be with you again.

 

If she doesn't contact you before you see her, then when you do, just say hi to her, ask her how she's been, and leave it at that. I'm not saying to act like a jerk, but just treat her as you would any other friend/person.

 

Thus: She's the one who asked for a break, so she needs to be the one to try to reconcile. It's only fair to you. Since you want to be with her, don't cut her off and act as though she's dead (NC); simply talk to her when he begins conversations with you--just give her the space she asked for.

 

Once she has had time to clear her mind, she will know whether she wants to try out your relationship again or not, and if she decides she does, then you can decide whether you're still up for it.

 

By giving her the space she needs you will be in essence giving your relationship a chance to once again be. If you don't and pursue and harass her, you will only push her away more.

 

Just give her the space, but be there if she looks for you.

 

NOW--if too long a time passes by, and only you know how long is too long for you, and you see that she's not coming back, then just let her go. If months pass by and there's no sign of her wanting to return, then just take it as the end and proceed to move on.

 

In the mean time, try to let go little by little; don't sit there marking the days off the calendar! Invest your time in things that you like, hang out with people, take up whatever--anything. Just don't sit at home doing nothing but thinking of her. Use this space both ways--give yourself a chance to (re)acquaint with yourself as well, so that that way when she comes back, you'll both be better off.

 

Give her the space she needs and know that this time apart will make for either of two things: either she will be happy being apart and not return or she will miss you and come back sooner than either of you had planned.

 

And now let's hope for the latter. :)

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Thank you very much for the advice, I will defenitely follow it. This was defenitely what I needed. And yes, I will hope for the latter.

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