What-ever

[dr strangelove]

I havent posted in a while, I guess I dont see the point. Maybe im just posting this now as record of how im feeling at this moment.

 

I originally posted on this site shortly after a bad break up with my ex and the traumatic incidents that followed. I guess I have been really sad now for a long while. Now im feeling angry as well.

 

I think its from events that have happened lately. Events that reinforce my loneliness, and realizing that i'm all on my own.

 

I went to my brothers wedding which cost me, in gifts, time, attire. I was just thinking how mixed up it is to have to give more things to those that already have so much. I think that after this episode im done with my family, Ill vanish over xmas. I dont even know why he insisted that I attend his wedding.

 

I have my bussiness which is become really cluttered and I have got back into the mode of making a sale when I need to cover some bill. Other then that im hiding out in here.

 

Ive made some effort to meet new women, the interest seems toi fade quickly on thier end. Or they.. and this is odd only want a one night stand. I realize how happy I should be to have no strings attached sex. Im not.

 

I only have me to help myself..somehow that doesnt seem right. After I have tried to help others. Oh.. sorry I could have help, but it would cost me.. great. I had one customer telling me she was unhappy to see my place so cluttered yet, not offering any help.

 

Im not f---ing superman. Its like im expected to take care my own crap and then bend over backwords to help others, and then be forgotten about. I cant really function under all of these conditions. I feel like im susposed to prop them up and myself.. and then take their criticism..

 

I have 2 people one was a friend for a long time. I lent him money for his new bussiness, and other things at a time I couldnt afford to. Now almost 3 yrs later he has not paid me and is angry at me.. huh? Then another insisted I invest in his bussiness... Ive not seen a penny yet, and he is angry at me for letting myself go yet when Im trying to make some effort he wishes me to drop everything for him. They cripple me and then wonder why Im flauterring and yet offer no help..or apologies or anything. great..

Some times I do think its good they havent repaid me as I might just spend on rent for the next year and hide out.. but then again I might take and leave the country forever..

 

I remembermy ex telling me she wanted to do that before she met me.. ha I guess im not your reason for staying here anymore...

 

I read my horoscope.. trying to search for something to grab on to. Some kind of hope in the words. Or something to happen to motivate me or brighten my world for a few hours..

 

I honestly dont feel like doing much, it is at these times I remember every s***ty thing people have done to me and gotten away with. I been thinking I should get revenge at some point.

[Outcast]

You're probably depressed. Hustle yourself to your physician - take your post if you can't be bothered explaining your problems. You may need meds and a counsellor. Anytime you have that sour an outlook on life, it's time to take measures to improve your health - physical and mental.

[dr strangelove]

Meds?

 

drugs just annoy me.. I have gotten drunk a few times.. wears off too quickly like within an hour.. doesnt make the feelings go away.

 

Doctors? ha ha ha right

[Yamaha]

Depression comes in many forms. I think you need to explore the possibility that you might be depressed and seek help. Medication can do wonders and can really turn your life around.

[pippen_2k]

Nah Strangelove isnt depressed, and its way too son to be recommending the guy to take meds..

 

I think if you look back his breakup wasnt that long ago ( Definatley within the past 6 months ) so I have a feeling he is still grieving.

 

When your feeling down you think this way, and you analyse everything and everyone under a microscope.. So I think his thought patterns and outlook on life is quite normal under the circumstances.

 

Im not a fan of people taking drugs to make their blues go away, so im sure he can overcome this in the near future and become happy the natural way

[Art_Critic]

Nah Strangelove isnt depressed, and its way too son to be recommending the guy to take meds.

 

depressed or irritable mood

feelings of worthlessness or sadness

loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities

temper, agitation

change in appetite, usually a loss of appetite

change in weight

unintentional weight loss (most frequent)

weight gain

difficulty sleeping

daytime sleepiness

difficulty falling asleep (initial insomnia)

multiple awakenings through the night (middle insomnia)

early morning awakening (terminal insomnia)

fatigue (tiredness or weariness)

difficulty concentrating

memory loss

abnormal thoughts, excessive or inappropriate guilt

excessively irresponsible behavior pattern

abnormal thoughts about death

thoughts about suicide

plans to commit suicide or actual suicide attempts

If these symptoms are present every day for more than 2 weeks, then depression is likely present.

 

If doesn't say that it has to be more than 6 months pippen_2k.. it says more than 2 weeks

 

Depression comes in a lot of forms and has a lot of different ways if affects someone.. it also isn't the same for each person.. everyone is different..

If you read Dr S's posts from the breakup till now.. he sounds depressed..

[dr strangelove]

Meds.. seriously wont help..

 

Depressed? Yes I have been depressed since as long as I can remember, since I even knew about the word.

 

I even recall a grade school teacher telling me I was "Too young to be depressed".

Incidently this guy also told the class about "seeing trails" I think thats from LSD use right?

 

Actually the chick made me kinda happy, even though she was loopy and a major handful. You know its alot like having a pet you really love and .. ah never mind

 

Sex was kind of working.. Im not crazy about being used just for sex. Wow me a guy actually saying that..

 

I didnt know memory loss was one.. I thought that was just from not working my brain hard enough.

 

I didnt see on the list thoughts of revenge on others..

[Rosalind]

I didnt see on the list thoughts of revenge on others..

 

LOL! really...after my brutal breakup I had plenty of homicidal thoughts

[norajane]

Lonely is a state of mind. People who are alone aren't necessarily lonely and people who are lonely aren't necessarily alone. Your break-up is making you feel lonely even though you are no more or less alone than you were with her.

 

Your brother's wedding...why wouldn't your brother want you there? Why would you decided to vanish at Christmas...6 months from now? Why separate yourself from your family? Why not tell them how you're feeling and ask for some moral support?

 

Your business...the clutter, whatever it is, can be cleared little by little. Just do a small bit each day.

 

Why do you expect a customer to offer to help you de-clutter your business? That makes no sense.

 

You say no one offers help...have you ever asked anyone for help? You have to learn how to do that rather than always waiting for family or friends to offer.

 

Loaning money to friends...that screws up a LOT of relationships. Shakespeare knew what he was talking about when he wrote in Hamlet:

 

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend"

I honestly dont feel like doing much, it is at these times I remember every s***ty thing people have done to me and gotten away with. I been thinking I should get revenge at some point.

You're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and thoughts of revenge make you feel better. Fine, but you'd probably feel better if you got other parts of your life in control than if you seek revenge. Start with your business or get some exercise and work outward from there.

[dr strangelove]

Look Nora

 

or.. is dr phil..?

 

I have always been alone. I grew up very introverted. I had no one else to relate to. I was a misfit in the community.

 

My family doesnt really give a damn how I feel, they love to offer lip service. I even at one point was removed from my aunts will.. Why?

Most likely for just being me.

My brother is the superstar. It sickens me how much they have helped him out at one point he was living rent fee in a house my dad bought to rent out.

Meanwhile I have always lived in less than adequate surroundings. WhicH i DO TO keep my overhead down. It kills me how much cash I gave him as a gift, as if he is so hard done by. Well thats fine. Xmas I will spend my way for once.. maybe in russia..

 

 

What I have is from all my own work. But so what? I am freaking lonely. I was a complete idiot I had someone that liked to do all things I liked to do. And well I thought because of her idiosycraies and weight, lack of a good job, always getting in trouble, nuisance, needyiness, extra maintenance, etc

Not to mention the fact that she was like the character from "how to lose a guy in 10 days" times 1000.

 

I neglected to see that she actually put a smile on my face and spring in my step.

I always thought formula for ideal mate was "model type, good job, very fit,

mentally stable" right sure that works on paper.. not in real life.

 

Sorry where WAS I..

 

I love this clear the clutter little by little.. ha ha honey u would have a heart

attack if you saw how cluttered my place is.. Its beyond cleaning I think at this point.. ha ha

what a tragedy.

 

Help always comes with a dollar sign attached.

 

It kills me this site. I read so many easy to fix stories, The authors are so clueless. Their problems can be fixed so easily.. Others dont know when to say goodbye.

 

Misery loves company...right?

[norajane]

dr s, I didn't mean to come across as a know it all or judgmental. I've been that depressed about the same kind of s*** in the past, and eventually learned I was the only one who could really help me crawl out of the hole. It helped me to pick one thing to work on, and to try to accept a different perspective on some of my thoughts that tormented me...and so, I offered some suggestions. I meant to help, not offend. I apologize for that.

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes you can pull yourself out of a depression..

 

Get out and meet new people.. get a new hobby you love..

 

If you are happy in the moment then you can happy all day

[Rosalind]

Sometimes you can pull yourself out of a depression..

 

Get out and meet new people.. get a new hobby you love..

 

If you are happy in the moment then you can happy all day

 

Art is right...I'll also add : the unconditional love from a PET can work wonders.

[Outcast]

I didnt see on the list thoughts of revenge on others..

 

Well if you refuse to get help and continue to wallow in misery, eventually you will decide that it's logical to foist misery on others. Essentially, an untreated mental ailment gets worse. People who shoot folks from water towers aren't in the best of mental health.

[dr strangelove]

Water tower now that sounds interesting...

 

Any other suggestions like that? Does that fall under hobbies?

[Rosalind]

real nice attitude towards folks that are just trying to help..yeah, real nice

[Returning]

I hear where you're coming from Dr Strange, I wouldn't begin to presume our circumstance was similar. I had a relationship lasted 16 yrs, was a rollercoaster of crazyness, she was PD'd to the max. But she made me happy, she would do some real vicious stuff to me when venting her pain. sure that got me down during; but the climax always made me laugh and admire the depth she stooped to to make her point. Overall it was probably a toxic experience for both of us, but heh, what a woman! There is some quote floating around this site like "you may know when you are right...but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?".

Well, I made the decision to blow her off, about 6 times a year for the past ten years, and she always faught tooth and nail to get me back. This christmas she went too far and and I walked, anybody looking at the assembled facts would say I was right to do it. I'm not so happy now as she has moved on and displays contempt if we have contact.

My house became a pigsty over the past months, there was some security in the clutter, made me feel not so alone. Nobody has ever lifted a candle to help me, i always felt misplaced throughout my life. Overall its a blast and I am laughing now, f*** them all the world is full of bollox.

I have been socialising of late, can't hang with my old buddies coz the Ex still moves there. Don't know for why my compass spun and adopted a new direction but I quit the cigarettes last week, joined a martial arts gym and enjoy the work out, and I have cleaned my house so I dont just have tunnels through the crap, I'm working on losing weight as well. For 6mths I couldn't have considered these things, jus sat in the fug. Life's a circle and the circle turns. Another glib quote is "only you can make you happy". I've hooked up with another pd'd female 17 yrs my junior, I'm keeping her at arms length as it is probably not a healthy thing to be doing, she is so insecure she can only speak when she's had a drink. It is not a physical thing as she is obviously vulnerable and I mean her no harm. She tries to twirl me but I only gamble the money I save on cigarettes anyway, we go out to eat and take walks in the park. It's not a long term thing but it has made me smile and taken my mind off my ex.

[dr strangelove]

Ok I was pretty grumpy yesterday. I guess im a little bit better mood.

 

Maybe im just trying to figure out why my luck isnt so great, and when something spectular will happen in my life.

 

My brothers wedding was a hard on me because I felt like this is something I wont get to experience, in fact I even said this to my brothers new wife. I even remember the xmas day they were about to break up over my brothers crappy volkswagon breaking down. I had to chase her down the street through the falling snow. I guess I wonder when someone will help me out in a situation like that, stop me from breaking up with my ex. No one ever took me aside, to tell me to chill out. No more concerned with telling me stuff like.."gee you like them big" or "she talks alot huh?". Its almost like the people around me wish to sabotage my happiness.

 

Anyways I visited a friend with a store today. Who complains sales are down.

A tenant moved out and left a mess. All he could do was complain about it.

The mess wasnt that big of a deal. I scavenged some stuff out of the pile.

Within minutes it was nice and tidy.

 

Then I posted some stuff for him on craigslist. I was happy to help him, but its funny how he was still bitching about how slow it was. It funny how he would rather spend hours talking to someone who buys one $3 item, then interact with a couple who obviously wanted service. Oh well.. I guess it made me feel better about my own situation. Just sucks doing it on my own.

 

Im sorry if I was sarcastic about meds and counselling. When I did go to counselling it was mainly to help me understand my ex and others. I am mostly reacting to how other interact with me.

Im not keen on sticking chemicals in my body when most of that stuff has side effects.

 

 

Maybe its also a touchy subject with me. I have an uncle who was very successful and he has gone pretty loopy. He produced films, had some project going where he was getting oil out of the ground.. waste oil? No idea but it was big. Other high exposure projects.. One day went sour and he lost alot of money and that was it. I fear at times im headed down that road.

 

I think id be happy if I got a few things under control

 

1) clutter cleaned up

2) money in bank

3) sort out loans made to friends

4) somehow reconnect with my ex.

5) get back in shape

 

These all seem like impossible tasks.. And I have trouble working towards them when im in a bad mood. All I want to do is hide away and watch movies all day.. And Im able to do that, which doesnt help.

[dr strangelove]

Returning sort of has similar situation. Except I dont think my ex did so many bad things. i think that she was just so insecure, I wasnt equipped to deal with that. I wasnt thinking of the trade off. I was only thinking of the hassle.

 

Its not like I want someone to complete me, its more I feel like an alien from another planet most of the time. It would be nice to have someone to relate to. etc.. I have done my share of dating since her. No one seems to really fit with my puzzle piece.

 

I wasnt thinking about that when she was around. I was only thinking about what peer pressure or society tells me I need for a mate.