AbitLost Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Hello, I am new here-- feeling, as I am named, a bit lost. A bit of history: - married 14 years- no kids. H was devoted to his father's business, at the expense of everything else. Nasty divorce. I moved in wi/best girlfriend--we now don't speak. 8 months after separation from H my dad was diagnosed w/terminal cancer and died in July. I took some jobs riding horses in the west to "find myself"-- spent my time feeling lost, alone, afraid-- afraid of what, you ask-- I don't know... stayed in touch w/ a guy I'd known 20 years ago--re-met him when my dad died. We got closer, he has a 15 yr. old son-- great kid, and we are all living together. However, I still feel numb & lost. Boyfriend (B) is almost divorced (final next week)-- after a brief marriage-- mother of the 15 yr. old died 4 years ago. B took care of dying wife for 3 years. B is very very nice, bright, but not well educated, loves me more than anyone... but I still feel like I am in a fog...I work, am independently financially secure....not sure what/who I want for the future... get along well w/B & son & all his family... sorry for the ramble-- thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 thoughts? on what? are you making a statement or asking question(s) Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 on what? are you making a statement or asking question(s) re read her post, she is looking for support. telling her story and looking for input, who cares if it is a question or a statement Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 on what? are you making a statement or asking question(s) I liked your other avatar better! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I liked your other avatar better! thats me silly Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 thats me silly still liked the other pic better Link to post Share on other sites
Diver012 Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Sounds like your surviving. I seems to me your in a good place now. I would consider yourself lucky actually. I am sitting here, financially secure. I have, well, not a job I like that much, but its a good paying job and could be a stepping stone to a better future. I feel lost myself right now. I have nobody here like you do. Consider yourself lucky again. Dont take for granted the gifts that you have. Embrace them. I know its hard sometimes to see the blessings you have. I have the same fault sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Abitlost, You hooked up with someone during an emotionally traumatic and confusing time for you, and like alot of other folks, -just stayed with it, creating a situation that, now, you realize has never fully satisfied you, -and probably won't in the future- but just happened to be convenient and comforting *at the time*. Now, you don't want to hurt anyone, and you have grown close to the new boyfriend and his son (probably, the boy being in the picture gives you more reason to pause because you are aware of all he has gone through with his mother dying) -but you are feeling the need to find out what else might be 'out there' that you could be missing out on, as well as all the further 'gowing' you could be doing in your life, by exploring more places, forming new friendships with other people, and in general, all the unseen, untapped, exciting options that may be waiting on you somewhere down the road. Take a really good look at your situation before you jump. *Know* you can handle any forthcoming scenarios by comtemplating the possible outcomes. The part that seems to bother you most about your boyfriend is that he lacks education. The part that concerns you most about your boyfriend's son seems to be that he is currently motherless. The emotion you are most likely to feel, here, (with leaving) is guilt. But let's wash away some of that with a few kind -and rational- realizations; let's start with everyone's basic *needs*. Basic need for all of you is to feel *truly* loved and accepted by someone, and have no fear about whether it could end abruptly, i.e. trust. Your boyfriend's son has already experienced the presence of a person who loved him, abruptly leaving his life, through the death of his mother. He *knows* what that feels like. And after four years, he has probably dealt with the worst of that trauma. He *knows* endings happen. So do not do him the dis-service of staying in the relationship with his father because you think he may feel abandoned: he needs someone who can care for him and love him the way he deserves, -and whose 'staying potential' is more sure, or promising. As for the boyfriend: he also deserves to be loved and appreciated *in the same way (reciprocated) as he loves you*. If you are uncertain about your capability to do that, then the same thing applying to his son, also applies to him, -and you should make the break. *Do not live a lie with your life -or involve others with your lie to yourself.* These two people, whom you have lived with and grown to deeply care about deserve more than a charity relationship: they deserve the 'real thing'. And so do you. There is no reason you cannot still be a part of their lives in such a way that shows you still care, unless either your boyfriend or his son finds the offer too painful for the time being, or refuses it, altogether. My advice is to be honest with everyone: yourself, -and them. I promise you, honesty with this situation, is worth the pain, -and effort, and can, if handled in the right spirit of true caring, kindness, and genuine concern- lead to a better outcome for all three of you in the longrun. If you can get your mind -and heart- around that understanding, -you should guilt-free in your decision, and feel much better about the whole thing, knowing it was the right -and decent- thing to do. (Smile) Hope I've helped. Take Care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 P.S. Sorry for the typos and lousy spelling; I'm having a bit of trouble with my spellchecker and it's humbling to be reminded that I rely on it far too much. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author AbitLost Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 I genuinely appreciate the posts to my thread. I spoke about these feelings to B after I wrote them on Sat night. He pointed out that I'd been to a funeral that day and his family reunion-- both events very emotionally-laden-- reminding me of the loss of my father and my conflict w/my sister...again I was amazed and greatful at B's intuitiveness (he started the conversation as soon as he saw me-right after I had posted here). He wanted to know how I felt. he asked me, "what would make this feel more like home?". He also pointed out that many if not most of my previous relationships have contained a good bit of chaos-- and he and I almost always sail on calm waters. He said that perhaps I miss the chaos-- it kept me from focusing on what was going on inside of me. So, today, I am very grateful to be here-- where I know I am loved, and wanted. I realize that healing from so many losses is a process, not an event-- although I seem to always "know" this and then have to be reminded of it . I know that I can't hide somewhere and heal, or heal by avoidance-- dealing w/emotions by creating external busy-ness or chaos. B knows how I feel-- lost, and afraid of making a mistake w/our realtionship-- he is ok with that--supportive. Not rushing to make more changes right now. I am, after all, only a Bit Lost, not completely lost... ABitLost Link to post Share on other sites
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