I'm too young

[the_alchemyst]

It's barely going to be 12 pm, and I already feel like this day has dragged on for far too long.

 

Lately I have felt really insignificant and extremely worthless. I have sat down with myself and have tried to look at all of the good things going for me, and sure enough--I realize I have plenty. But even with those things, I feel so out of place; like I'm an insignificant spec.

 

Let's see:

 

I'm 19 years old (yeah, I know).

 

I'm going to be attending UCLA next fall.

 

I'm majoring in Psychiatry and minoring in English.

 

I have extremely pushy and overprotecting/demanding parents, but ones who love me nonetheless. Lately, though, I have been a total jerk with my mom.

 

I have a very small number of friends, and I like it this way. There are a bunch of people "I know" and can hang out with, but I only have 1 or 2 friends I really feel are my true friends.

 

I prefer to spend time at home playing videogames, watching movies or anime, or relaxing while listening to music than to go out to party.

 

I don't like to drink and I don't smoke either, although I used to.

 

For going out fun, I like to go to themeparks, the beach (preferably at night; I'm no good with heat), dancing, to a club to listen to music, or to have a nice dinner.

 

I think the above is fun.

 

People my age say this is boring. They think this is fun: going to work to get some money (not that they think it's fun, but they do prefer this over school), coming home to do nothing or run about the streets, and are eager for weekends so they can host or find a party to go and get wasted.

 

They think they are young so they might as well enjoy it, and just "f*** it."

 

I think I am young so I might as well get working on the foundation for my future.

 

But of course . . . I am BORING!

 

This is why me and my exbf split. I know he still loves me, but I also know that love died down an awful lot. I felt like he loved me more as a friend than as a lover, but he also couldn't bear to maintain a normal friendship with me, because as he would say, "It hurt too much."

 

Sometimes I wish I were normal because I really seem like I'm not. I usually tend to more easily engage in conversations with older people (in fact, my best friend is 21 and is way more mature than she should be for her age, but alas, she lives across the country), but . . .

 

I am too young to be taken seriously by older people.

 

AND

 

I act too old to be taken erm, lightly, by people my age.

 

And it's not like I fake this ^, but it's just the way I am. And especially where I live! Every youth is so shallow and only worried about "having fun" that it's impossible to find friends or anything.

 

I really don't belong.

 

EDIT: Okay--I went inside my head and discovered the reason why I'm posting this is because I think that if I were more "fun" me and my exbf would still be together. Now I am kinda hating the fact that I'm so boring. See, now I'm even calling myself boring. Sigh.

[GW7147]

Hi Alchemyst,

Sounds like you're being a little hard on yourself. After reading your post, I think you have alot to look forward to. You're going to UCLA majoring in something that many people wish they could do. Nothing wrong with that! You have over-protective parents. I'm 41 and my 81 year old Mother still treats me like a kid sometimes. They're PARENTS, that's their job. Be thankful you have parents that care about you. You don't drink and smoke- Who cares if you don't drink. You're the type of person who can be comfortable and enjoy yourself without getting pie-eyed. Be thankful you don't smoke. I have friends that recently died of cancer (at a very young age). When I was your age, I became a cop in N.Y. While my friends were at house parties, I was out enforcing the law. It was always fun when I got a call for loud music and it turned out to be friends house. I had to be the party pooper and tell them to turn the music down!! How weird is that!! I've always had a small circle of friends too. I'd rather have 3 really close friends as opposed to 15-20 so-so friends.

You are who you are. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not abnormal or weird. You like what you like. That's what makes you an individual. Stop beating yourself and and be proud of what and who you are. If ever you chose to do so, you can try to something different, something you've never done before (I don't mean trying to drink a case of beer in one sitting), maybe find a new hobby or go somewhere you've never been. Grab one of your friends and forge new trails. Maybe it will be enough of a change for you and will make you feel like "you belong". Do yourself a favor and don't ever think you have to live up to somebody elses standards. As for your ex, maybe he isn't the one for you. You may not want to hear that but, give him some time and things will possibly change. Maybe when your at UCLA, you'll find somebody better suited for you, somebody that likes you for you and wants to be with you because they love what you're all about. You have a long way to go. Put a smile on your face and enjoy everything that you like to do and don't let anybody influence who you are!!!!

All the best!!!

GW

[basscatcher]

My gosh...

You just about described ME when I was younger. The only difference is I wanted to be a wife and mother--not get a education.

 

I didn't party, didn't like to, I would rather sit home and be comfy, relaxed, safe.

 

I don't think you are weird you just have different priority's in your life.

 

I am now 37. My son is 16 and I have more freedom and desire to have fun then I did when I was younger.

 

If you don't have the desire to go out and do what people your age say 'is normal' then don't.

 

You sound like you have priorities and a goal in life.

I say go for it.

There are men out there that think like you.

 

Seriously, I think you'd find them in a debate club in college, at a place like Barnes & Noble in the coffee shop or some kind of coffee shop that has local musicans playing acapella or solo as entertainement.

 

There not the type to run around partying and getting wild and crazy.

 

If your xbf thought you were boring then he wasn't the right one for you.

 

Your life will change as you grow older. Your focus's and priority's will change. You will have different desires for yourself.

Live what you want now. Even if its not what your 'friends' are doing.

If you don't want to go out, then don't. Why be uncomfortable and out of place when you can be comfortable and at peace with yourself.

 

Your value isn't what others see you as, its what you see in yourself..

[Tim'sAngel]

Sweetheart, you are not "boring" you are mature. Big big difference. I can somewhat relate. I have always hung out w/older adults. When I was your age my best friend was 26 and I dated guys in their late 20s and 30s. I think this might have to do with the way I was raised. My parents taught me how to think in a mature manner. I did my partying don't get me wrong. For a year (from age 18-19) I went out and did all the things I was big and bad enough to do. I got pregnant at your age too. So needless to say my partying days died really quick. I quit smoking, I drink only occasionally with my SO. I am not much older than you, only 22, and I still find myself alot more mature than others my age. Partly because I am and partly because I have to be. I am a mother now, and soon to be a wife. This life fits me just fine. I don't have to be like all the other care free people my age.

 

About your ex bf, this JMO. People are compatible with way more than just one person. Right now, there is a guy living in a different state than you, way across the country that would make a perfect husband for you, but you will never meet him. And there are men that you will come in contact with over the course of your life that are perfectly compatible with you. Your ex was not compatible with the kind of person you are. He is going in one direction, and you in another. And thats ok. Thats why we date people before we marry them. He just wasn't for you. It isn't your fault, it isn't anybodies fault. Its just the way it is. He should have appriciated the fact that you are level headed and you are starting out at a young age to get your life going in the direction you have chosen. You will find once you start dating again that so many men are attracted to your assertiveness and ambition. I think you are going for the wrong men. Its ok to date men older than you. Just need to find someone that meets your maturity level. Men mature slower than women. I don't suggest dating men your age.

 

Keep your chin up!! Your a bright young women. YOu should definately celebrate this and not despise it!!

[KittenMoon]

Alchy-

 

I am there with you all the way. I've always been a few years ahead of my peers, but I have enjoyed myself a lot as well. I've tried to be fun, on MY terms. This was great up until recently, and I have many of the same feelings as you: that if I had been more "fun" my ex wouldn't have left me. ("Fun" meaning like his cvnt friend, who isn't so much "fun" as heavily dosed with anti-depressants)

 

Just be yourself. In the end, its the only real way to be. I have had so many times in hs, college, and now where I felt like I should have been someone else- but when I look back after a time, I am more glad I held onto my convictions and personality, because if you take enough hits, eventually you true self becomes tempered and more solid.

[dgiirl]

You've definitely described me when I was 18, and even now, when I'm 32. I dont drink, dont smoke. In fact, I had my first alcoholic drink after I turned 30! I still meet people who are shocked that I dont drink, but the majority of them are accepting of it and respect it. As long as you dont judge others FOR drinking, you'll have no problems. Ophra described it perfectly on one of her shows. People get so consumed with our own perceptions of how other's live their lives and get so depressed because our lives dont seem as good. She explained it as Red carpet moments. You see pictures of people's vacations and parties and it looks like they're having amazing amounts of time, but in reality those pictures were just a snap shot of the moment, at the ultimate high, just like being on the red carpet. However, their every day lives are no where close to that moment, and we have to realize that there will be up's and downs and these are just our perceptions of how we think life will be. Learn to appreciate the moments when they come, but dont feel bad because they dont last as long as you would like. Dont feel out of place if you like to do things different. And as for friends, I truely believe the more friends you have, the less you have to give to each of them. I dont think someone can have a massive amount of CLOSE friends. You can have associates, but not a lot of friends and if you have 1 or 2 very close friends that are there for you, be very thankful and count yourself lucky.

[the_alchemyst]

Ahh, thanks for all of the replies, you guys!

 

But really, I can't help but feel like crap. I know I'm worth plenty, but this knowledge is, unfortunately, burried deep, deep down, and doesn't always surface when I need it to. I know I am smart (I'm not a genius, but I am pretty smart, and have potential to learn much, much more--which is just what I want), nice (it may sound weird that I am proclaiming to be nice, but I really do think I am--I'm the kind of person who doesn't second-guess to offer a helping hand; I love to help), helpful, reliable, trustworthy, dependable, warm (I am a VERY warm person . . . ie: I am known to be "motherly" to my closest friends), funny (although my sense of humor is a bit different, but I haven no problem in engaging in blatant banter), and I'm not even that bad looking!

 

So, why!! Why do I still feel like I'm such a loser? In a way, I feel terrible when I think of the possibility of letting my youth pass me by and never enjoy it. But in all honesty, I really feel like I have to work hard now that I'm in my prime as far as energy goes. Work hard, hard, hard.

 

Someday I will be successful and I will have time and money to bask in whatever I please: to go out on vacations, dinners, and just places! I want to be successful and I know it will be hard, but I am willing to.

 

Because I think like this, peole look at me like "wtf?!" As I said before, I would LOVE to spend time with someone at home playing games or watching movies or going to to a club to listen to music (like jazz . . . *love*) or go play around at the beach . . . and so on. Why is this so abnormal?!

 

Am I really living in an older person's frame of mind?

 

It feels like wherever I turn, everyone's out partying and getting drunk--the things my exbf wanted to do, and I feel so blah. Like there is no place for me. Like I'm weird. Like I'm normal. Like I'm boring. Like I suck.

 

My dream is this: To have my own therapeudic clinic. I won't charge a lot because I know a lot of people go into this field for the money, but I genuinely want to help if I can. I want to have a welcoming clininc. I want to get to know my patients; I want to know them for who they really are. I want to be able to help them find themselves and be comfortable with themselves, so that they can tackle life head-on. I want to send each and every one of them a birthday card just to show them I care. When X patient is coming in, I want to have their favorite drink (non-alcoholic, thanks) for them, so they can drink it if they want to . . . to refresh their throat. I really want to a friend, if you will. I believe that only if you have this connection will you truly open up.

 

I want to be the best therapist I can be. Maybe I won't have many patients, but that doesn't matter: so long as I have a few and that those few trust me, I will be happy.

 

Am I crazy? If not, then why is it that every time I talk about this with these "young people" they give me these blank stares? Maybe I should say something like: "have you tried mixing the X cocktail with the X drink?!"

 

While I mentioned that I have 1 or 2 close friends, one of which was my exbf, even they don't think like me. They understand and cheer me on, yes, but their goals are very different, and they well, more easily fit in with the rest, since they DO like to drink and party, although not to an extreme. The only person I have met who I feel like I really connect with is my best friend, but she lives oh, so far away.

 

I wish she lived in my city so that I wouldn't feel like such a lost soul. So that we could talk about how we are doing, how we are progressing as far as our goals go, exchange thoughts, and talk about the latest videogame and its specs.

 

But I can't. And well, because I can't, I can't help but feel like out of place. It feels like all the conversations I engage in with people my age, it's always about them because if I start talking, they get lost like I'm speaking Alien, so I just let them. With older peole I feel more at ease, but then when they find out how old I am, they think I'm faking it and stop taking me seriously.

 

Eesh. I seriously, seriously--in comparison with others my age--do NOT feel 19!

 

And what sucks more is that I know I feel this way mainly because of my exbf! Because I think he was SOOO great that I feel like such a loser for being so boring.

 

I know there are people like me out there . . . but they just don't seem to be here.

 

I seriously feel like such crap. When my exbf left, he took more than just himself way from me. I thought I was lucky to have found someone so wonderful. I would stare at him when he wasn't looking and would think he was beautiful--both inside and out. I gave him my best and I put my heart out for him, but he just took it, squeezed it, stomped on it and flung it around, and now I feel so torn.

 

I feel like I lost something no amount of education, success, or money will ever replace. I remember his face so vividly and his sweet smile, and I cry. I cry because I keep seeing his ghost and refuse to realize it's doing nothing but haunting me.

 

And now I'm really sad.

 

 

/cries

[basscatcher]

My dear dear dear,

 

You cry out like I do.

I feel the same way you do.

I did when I was younger and from time to time I still do now that I am older.

 

I view people like us as special.

We are special gifts from above to love those who need it. To help and take care of those who need it.

We are givers,

We are caretakers.

We are propelled to give and care for others even when we feel like we are being used, taken advantage of, and like we don't recieve what we give back.

 

It's a daily choice to continue to move forward and accept who we are. You can try to change yourself and be someone whom your not BUT you still won't feel at peace.

 

The only way you will feel peace is to enjoy yourself, who you are...

Be honest with yourself and like who you are because you are unique.

You have a big heart, you are a caring, giving and loving woman...

Like yourself. Don't envy others.

Be who you are and be real.

Don't feel like you are missing out because actually~~people who run, party, are constantly busy busy busy miss out on the valuable things in life..

 

there is nothing wrong with being odd, weird, different, strange, out of sync, too mature, an old soul (I've been called this), deep, intellectual about life, or anything.

 

You are special, unique and a wonderful person just because of who you are.

Stop the envy.

Stop the self abuse.

Stop wanting to be who you are not.

Start liking you.

Start to look at you.

Start to be you.

Start to accept yourself.

 

The way you describe yourself--you are the kind of person I would have wanted as a friend when I was your age...

 

I see myself in your words..

[Tim'sAngel]

Hunny it sounds like you are venting. And thats good!! Thats what LS is for!! Get all of your frustaitions out and have a good ole fashion cry, then start looking at your life from a different angle.

 

You are young, bright, intelligent and your only 19!! Think of how many people who are in their mid 20s and 30s and still are out trying to find a good time when they could be working towards a goal for their future!! I can't tell you how many times I've heard people telling me they wish they would have started working hard in their early years. But look at you!! You have a chance to actually do it!!

 

Its lonely I know. Being at a young age, in a young body, but being so much further along in intelligence and maturity.

 

Ok here is what you need to do sweetie. First of all, FIND NEW FRIENDS!! These partiers and drunks don't suit you!! You have to find people with common goals and interests. Thats what makes friends friends afterall. And look, there isn't anything wrong with going out a few nights out of the month and having a little fun. I remember when I was 19 I was pissed because I couldn't go to the clubs with my friends because I lived in southern cali and they wouldn't let you in bars or clubs w/out proper ID. Now that I'm over 21, it really isn't that big of a deal, but I do still enjoy going out and just letting go and having fun. It sounds like you are more responsible than most. Just make sure you are having fun and enjoying your youth, whether that is going out with some friends, going to a quiet bookstore and reading, inviting some friends over for a movie... it does'nt matter. "Fun" comes in many shapes and sizes. I wish I would have been more like you at your age. Now I have a beautiful son and I can't do all the things I dreamed of, which is ok, but I wish I would have planned things out differently.

 

About your ex.... hunny, he isn't worth it!! He didn't appriciate you for you. You talk about him as if he was just this really great guy, but he sounds like one of the losers with the rest of them. Hunny listen to me, when I was 18 and 19 me and my good friend who was 26 would go out to bars (the ones that would actually let me in) and we would have men in their 30s convinced I was 22 or 24. I had them so fooled into thinking I was older because of my intelligence and my ability to carry on an adult conversation. You dont' have to hang out with people your age and suffer from not having anything in common!! You are better than that!!

 

I know you hear all this good adivce and still feel terrible, but thats ok, just give it some time to sink in and know you are not the only one.

[jerbear]

I see I have alot of you inside me and I'm 31. Out of place and out of environment.

 

The alchemyst is a good book by the way, it was a good book given to me by a close female friend. Oneday you will find your own "fatima"

 

In college was where I made the most of the my best and closests friends. Entering UCLA is not a easy task, you would meet some of your closests friends, acquaintances and a few losers in the process. You would walk away with a handful that will be with you to make you an crazy fun aunt.

 

College changes people and usually very much for the better. You would be surprised at what crazy fun things you would do and those of your friends, aquaintances and even professors! You would find new things about you. new things, fun things, crazy things and that head ache from studying till 4am for your 8am test.

 

I think you will be fine. I survived 19 got a degree and have a few "boring friends"

[destination_unknown]

Hey, when you get to UCLA you will find LOTS of people who have the same interests as you, there will be much more variety in the people you will meet there.

 

I did IT ALL when I was younger, all the bad stuff, and as much as what I have learned from it makes me who I am today, I think I would do it your way if I had a second chance!

 

I think its probably harder when you are in high school to be that little but different. But most of the kids who party will do things they regret and some make a total mess of their lives, only because they are going along with what the others are doing. Where does that get them? When school and college are done what matters is that you have done well academically and have nutured your hobbies and interests. Mostly the groups split to the four winds and the partyiers lose their status.

 

And anyway, all the parties arent all that much fun, people vomiting and talking crap aint so great!

 

I think you will really come into your own when you get to college, it will be a really exciting time!