why is my cheating husband still in the house

[Brendahurt]

Confused but happy that he's not gone. I found out about 2 months ago that my hubby of 12 years and father of my two children was cheating on me w/ a married woman w/ kids. I forgave him and decided that I could move on because my love for him is that much. It as been a rolelr coaster of a ride these past two months because he wasn't exactly being honest when he told me that she meant nothing and that it was over. For I found out they had both fallen in love with each other and had no plans on stopping the relationship(if you can call it that, because they only saw each other couple times a week for only a couple hours each time!) Since finding out about the affair I installed caller ID on my home phone which was invane because this woman went out and got my husband a cell phone which he hid from me these past two months until this weekend when my daughter saw him a block away from my home talking on it. I comfronted him and he admitted and he plainly told me that he was still talking to her because he still has feelings for her and that point I told him it was better for all of us if he just moved out because he had deceived me a second time. He agreed, he claims nothing is going on with him and her, he just talks to her on the phone but he did tell me that he was tired of hiding around and me spying on him. So we agreed he would leave yesterday night. All day I cried and hurt knowing that when I got home he would be gone and I would have to explain this to my children. But when I drove u to my house he was there on the driveway with a big smile, and the kids got off and ran to him, so I couldn't get myself to confront him as to what exactly was he still doing there. Long story short, we went inside and I asked him what kind of game was he playing. I only smiled and said "nothing is going on, I'm not going anywhere" Now you tell me is this a man that wants his cake and eat it too, or is he really going to stop seeing this married woman and work things out with us????

[sallyjavan]

hi Brendahurt,

 

First of all i'm sorry that your going through this. And 2nd how are you tolerating this kind of behavior after you said " if there is anything going on" Brenda i know your hurt and everything you said you love your husband very much that you let him back in the house but what if he does it over and over and over again then what are you going to do? I"m sure at one point you will get tierd of it and tell him to get out. I know you want to make your marriage work and everything. There comes to a point where your going to say to yourself Enough is Enough but going behind your back sneaking off seeing this other lady i dont think thats fair for you. Is it? I dont know if your a stay home mom, or work, but i'm not a mom yet but i dont think thats fair for you to be home, cooking, cleaning, watching after the kids and a whole lot of responsibilites and on the other side your husband cheating on you? He makes a mistake once thats fine you two talk it out you work pass your issues, he makes a mistake twice i'm sure that you wouldn't be happy about that, strike 3 he has to hit the door. You have to be strong and tell him look either choose your family or the other person he's seeing. Other then that tell him you wont take this anymore and dont think its fair to you or the kids. I hope this helps and i'm sorry your in this situation.

[In Sync]

It sad that your husband has decided to get involved with this other woman...but I imagine he's still in the house because of your children. Even though he open this can of worms he is still your children's father. Myabe he's unwilling to shatter their world by leaving home. Your kids see their Dad whereas you see the man who cheated. I would advise you to seek counseling for emotional support and legal advice.

[bendit]

He is testing you. He sees you as weak and not able to follow through. He doesn't think you will enforce his exit. He is going to now be super sweet and make you forget all about his "bad" self. The fact that you are here posting (and not enforcing) is testimony that his strategy is working. He doesn't think you have the fortitude to do this. Do you?

 

regards

[whichwayisup]

Kick him out if he is still talking to her. He has to either work on the marriage with you, go to marriage counselling and END IT with the OW. Does her husband know about their affair? If not, consider letting him know, that way it will be harder for them to keep the affair going if it's out in the open. Two pairs of eyes will be on them, checking up on them.

[murasaki]

Hi Brenda,

 

I'm sorry your situation has become more complicated than it was when you first posted about your partner's affair, although as I said in your other thread, you have no idea how things will play out. A few days ago you wouldn't have guessed that your cheating partner would choose to stay in the house. And yet, there he is.

 

Telling the other woman's husband (assuming he doesn't know) would still drag you further into a mess that you really ought to be trying to extricate yourself from. One of the other respondants in this thread suggested that your partner is testing you to see if you're too attached and lacking the will to stand up for yourself and what is acceptable. That might well be the case, and even if your partner isn't deliberately trying to test your boundaries, that is in effect what he is doing. If you let him stay in the house, you're effectively condoning his behavior. You're saying that you value a relationship with him -- even a sham relationship -- more than you value your own dignity and your own need to be treated with respect and love.

 

Why on earth would anyone want to sign on to have to monitor their partner's every move? You can't trust him: he has demonstrated this more than once. He doesn't care enough about your feelings to do the right thing (which would be: if he doesn't love you, end the relationship in a straightforward manner that is fair to you and respectful of the person you are, responsible toward your children ... and only when that is complete turn to a new relationship). He's nowhere near to doing the right thing, and he's not even doing you the courtesy of discussing things with you honestly. Just smiling and pretending everything is fine. Leaving you to struggle silently and alone. What an awful man.

 

You know you cannot trust him. Monitoring him wouldn't do you an ounce of good, and to try to tag team this dishonest pair by recruiting the other woman's husband would just drag you down to their level: you and the ow's husband play prison wardens to their inmates attempting to escape. What nonsense. You have two children who legitimately require your supervision. Don't assign yourself a hateful role that will sap your energy and self-respect even more. And as I said before, if you try to bring the ow's husband into the matter you have no idea what kind of trouble will ensue ... and whether you'll be handing your cheating partner the chance to blame you for something.

 

It doesnt' sound like you're at the point yet where you'd be willing to kick him out. I think the suggestion to get legal advice and counseling support is a very good one. But it seems to me that you ought to draw a line: right now he's out. Out of the house, and out of your good graces. If he wants to re-enter either, he needs to drop her entirely and permanently, and he needs to be the one to convince you that he has done that. You shouldn't have to play Inspector. He should make his behavior so transparent and reliable that it would be reasonable for you to start trusting him again. If he can't do that, or won't, then what on earth is the point of staying in the relationship?

[Ladyjane14]

Does her husband know about their affair? If not, consider letting him know, that way it will be harder for them to keep the affair going if it's out in the open. Two pairs of eyes will be on them, checking up on them.

 

I'm in agreement with WWIU. If it were me, I would expose the affair to the MOW's husband, and to all the people who had influence on the affair partners. This does NOT include children, of course. But if your husband's parents, siblings, or pastor are in a position of respect, and he values their opinion... they might be a useful asset in discouraging him from the path he's on. It's best to do all your exposure in one fell swoop.... without negotiation. It shouldn't be used as a blackmail tool afterall.

 

When you bring an affair out into the open like that, you can EXPECT your spouse to go off like a ballistic missile. He'll say terrible things to you, he'll threaten divorce, he'll swear he can't ever forgive you. So, you have to be prepared for that. Adultery is ugly. And what you're doing is exposing it to the light of day. The cockroaches will hiss and scurry. That's a given.

 

But exposure also takes all the FUN out of it. It's no longer a clandestine and exciting relationship. For the first time, the affair partners are forced to deal with the reality of their situation, and to make choices. They can't sit on the fence anymore.

 

Anyway, it's something to thing about. I agree with Murasaki in that you don't want to end up being a prison warden in the long-term. But for now.... the guy is consistantly LYING to you. He's put you in a position in which you have to 'check his story'. That was HIS choice, not yours. He's the one telling the lies.

 

You might want to read a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley, also, Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. The marriagebuilders website is also a good resource. You might want to read through the Basic Concepts section, and the How to Survive Infidelity section, paying special attention to Plan A and Plan B.

[Brendahurt]

Thank you all for your beautiful and useful advise, I think at this point all there is left to do is for me to grow a back bone. My problem as I honestly see it, is that I want everything to be back to normal fast I want him to forget about this woman and I want us to be a happy family again as if nothing has happend. But the reality is that it has gone too far for that and too much has happend. I can't treat him like I use to b-4 I found out about his affair. And i know that he can't forget about her just like that. I don't want him to leave it hurts too much, and that is my weak point, I see myself now putting up with things no woman would or should. He has been so blunt with me as to his feelings about her and me that I seriously don't know what I am still doing here, but I'll tell you this. Two times already I have grabbed my heart and held on tight and told him to leave, to get the heck out, MAD as all hell to prove to him that i am serious, but both times when I come home he is still there. When I ask him what the heck is he still there for he just brushes it off and tells me "nothing is going on anymore" "I'm here aren't I?" I am so confused and my love and desire for him not to leave us has fogged my common sense so badly that I cannot honestly understand why he has not left when I asked him too. I told him one time to leave, to go and be happy with this woman, I promise you I will not bother you again. But he still doesn't take it and run.He has friends and family to go stay with, it's not like he would be out in the street. But maybe he is ashamed to go to them. or maybe this OW has promised him that she will leave her husband and has him waiting. I'm sure all will come out but meanwhile I am living in sheer frustration and pain.

[Ladyjane14]

If your husband is still in contact with the MOW, then the affair is still ACTIVE, regardless of whether that contact is of a sexual nature or not. His act of adultery was a betrayal against you. It has broken the vows of marriage that he made to you. There is no possibility for ANY kind of continued contact with this woman that is not detrimental to the marriage. Every word or gesture that he gives to her.... he takes off of your plate.

 

If you need to draw a line in the sand, the line should be NO CONTACT with the affair partner EVER. When he crosses that boundary, there needs to be consequences. While it's true that you can't control him, you sure as heck can control YOU.

[Ladyjane14]

p.s. You might want to see a lawyer and find out what options are available to you.

[riobikini]

Brenda,

 

There are (believe it or not) consientious cheaters as well as those who simply just do not give a flip about who they're hurting, and submit to their own selfish desires.

 

Of course, most cheaters describe themselves as being 'forced' into their actions and behavior.

 

The most commonly used excuse is, "He/she didn't show me enough attention/affection"- or the next-in-line excuse, "There wasn't enough excitement in our relationship, the spark died".

 

But almost *always* the cheater will, at some point, make one or more of the following infamous statements: "I never meant to hurt you", "I do love you, -I'm just not *in love* with you", or the weirdly painful statement that has great potential to become a major stumbling block to your recovery, and hangs like an appendage you don't know what to do with, or is like a door that never seems to quite close, the almost immortal parting line, "I will always *care* about you."

 

Cheaters may often fall into two major catagories, but they all seem to have many commonalities, with the major one being that they have fallen prey to emotion.

 

Whether they have fallen based solely on their physical desires, or the current or longstanding absence of affection or the feeling of being appreciated by their partner, also helps define the difference between the two catagories.

 

In a relationship where two people are simply feeling the 'slacking-off' of romance, or the display of affection, or have been in the relationship for many years and know each other well enough to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted, -the relationship, in many cases- stands a good chance of being revived if the relationship had a good foundation to begin with, and the cheating episode is dealt with appropriately -and willingly- by both partners.

 

So what do you do when your partner cheats with this criteria applicable to the situation?

 

Answer: You go looking for something. Not the same 'something' as your partner, -you go looking for something more useful.

 

Grace. Boundaries. Self respect. Understanding. Resolve. And something to add to your strength- prayer.

 

Grace because you will need it to bear the humiliation and remember who you are as a responsible human who is *still* (although you have been a good partner) *not exempt* from being tagged with a few of life's most unexpected, devastating, and painful blows.

 

You will need grace when you speak to others who know about your situation. You will need it, especially, when you speak to your children. You will need it in 'super-power' mode every morning you rise from your bed and carry on throughout your day, knowing the situation has not changed. Yet.

 

You will need boundaries.

 

If you have never assessed your need for boundaries, now is the time. Better late than never.

 

In setting boundaries, you are exercising your human right for emotional (as well as physical) and mental protection. You are striking off *your* territory in regards to what you know you can/cannot accept in specific circumstances.

 

For instance, you are currently allowing your partner to live with you while he continues to pant after the other cheater (that's right: when a person helps another to cheat, he/she *is also* a cheater, -a co-cheater, so to speak).

 

Allowing the cheater to continue to live among the comforts of his home and family, while perhaps, still trying to hide his indescretion from his children is not only a character flaw in regards to the affair, it's a sheer display of lack of respect for the intelligence of all the family members involved.

 

He shouldn't be privy to the normal comforts of his home.

 

That decision, I realize, is very difficult -not just because of the relationship between you and your partner- but because of the effect it will have on the children involved.

 

With that, remember that even very young children can view circumstances very intelligently, seeing the 'right' and 'wrong' often more quickly than adults, with many situations, -especially concerning those whom they love deeply.

 

And they are much more forgiving and can heal more quickly simply due to that fact.

 

It's the adults who hedge on forgiveness more often, and bear grudges without proper rationalization, -or without using just plain, good, common sense.

 

So set some boundaries. Review the ground you've been allowing to be trampled and protect it from further damage.

 

Self respect.

 

It's what most of us already know we need, as well as we know the back of our own hand, -except we aren't very familiar, or too sure about how to begin achieving it.

 

It's essential in our development of the above-mentioned boundaries. You can't have boundaries without having self-respect.

 

*Self respect* added to *boundaries* gives you *grace*.

 

Understanding.

 

Understand this first: knowing *yourself* will help you to understand things about others from a far-away, or a close distance, whenever you need to call upon the mechanism to do so. It's a close cousin of instant rationalization, but it's better described as all you know about how you think, feel, and handle situations up until the current date, and is an ongoing development of how you percieve, judge, and react to things that are either *in* your control or *out* of your control.

 

Knowing yourself is the gateway to better understanding of *everything* in your life.

 

Add it to self respect, boundaries, and grace.

 

Already, you should be wanting to *do* something about your situation.

 

Enter 'resolve'.

 

Resolve is the level of effort you put forth in making a decision and *sticking* to it.

 

Resolve is not accomplished on a whim, -if it is, it's just *impulse*.

 

Resolve is the result of all the applications of self-respect, boundaries, grace, and understanding.

 

Is resolve unbending?

 

Answer: because 'understanding' is still growing and ongoing, resolve can -and *does- bend, at times. An example would be with accepting the act of forgiveness, but *resolve does not sacrifice it's means of arriving at a decision*: aka self respect, boundaries, grace, and understanding.

 

Fact is, true resolve *cannot* sacrifice it's contents without suffering significant mental conflict and emotional damage.

 

So far, none of this has been designed as 'steps' but, by now, you should see how one good thing can lead to another.

 

Except some of it won't feel so 'good' right away, while other parts will cause you to feel quite strengthened.

 

Getting to the 'resolve' part takes time -and guts- and desire to see an improved outcome -hopefully, in your circumstances concerning your partner- but, inevitably, if taken seriously, the good results will stick with you throughout your situation as it unfolds, and even beyond them.

 

What has really been given to you, here, is a coping method designed actually, by human nature, to last and spur further improvements in your current set of circumstances and in your future.

 

And the last part of all this -almost never mentioned, but still very important to many, and also a part of human nature: the simple act of prayer.

 

For alot of folks, it causes a particular, familiar feeling of comfort and security no textbook can ever begin to describe. It can make you feel 'connected' to something -someone- bigger, brighter, and stronger than we can ever feel on our own, or even with the help of others.

 

If it works for you, do it often throughout your day to feel a deeper sense of 'groundedness'.

 

I hope I have helped you -or anyone reading this.

 

I realize your situation is painful -for you *and* your children*- but know that it's survivable and that there is a brighter happier tomorrow ahead, if we just keep reaching for it.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

There are (believe it or not) consientious cheaters as well as those who simply just do not give a flip about who they're hurting, and submit to their own selfish desires.

 

Example: your husband seems torn between choosing his family or leaving to be with the object of his affair.

 

 

Of course, most cheaters describe themselves as being 'forced' into their actions and behavior.

 

The most commonly used excuse is, "He/she didn't show me enough attention/affection"- or the next-in-line excuse, "There wasn't enough excitement in our relationship, the spark died".

 

But almost *always* the cheater will, at some point, make one or more of the following infamous statements: "I never meant to hurt you", "I do love you, -I'm just not *in love* with you", or the weirdly painful statement that has great potential to become a major stumbling block to your recovery, and hangs like an appendage you don't know what to do with, or is like a door that never seems to quite close, the almost immortal parting line, "I will always *care* about you."

 

Explaination: Men seem more prone to acquiring a preoccupation for picking up worthless baubles left on the floor.

 

During slow periods in a relationship -especially longterm ones- they tend to fall into the same crack that many men fall into: becoming involved with someone who matches their fantasy ideal of the 'perfect' woman.

 

It's selfish behavior based on immature ideals that often wind up in the toilet over time. That's why it's called an 'affair': it's normally a temporary fascination.

 

 

 

Whether they have fallen based solely on their physical desires, or the current or longstanding absence of affection or the feeling of being appreciated by their partner, also helps define the difference between the two catagories.

 

In a relationship where two people are simply feeling the 'slacking-off' of romance, or the display of affection, or have been in the relationship for many years and know each other well enough to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted, -the relationship, in many cases- stands a good chance of being revived if the relationship had a good foundation to begin with, and the cheating episode is dealt with appropriately -and willingly- by both partners.

 

 

Explaination: If you decide to take the time to thoroughly review all the angles of your relationship thus far with the goal in mind of making some serious and much needed improvements, -and stick with it long enough to accumulate enough good information to make a few sound, realistic, and truthful conclusions, -you should, at some point- encounter the areas *you* need to improve.

 

But now is not the time to start feeling overwhelming guilt about anything, -you may have contributed to allowing the 'spark' to die, you may have been less than 'perfect', but responsibily admitting to failure doesn't mean you have to wallow in it.

 

This *is* a time to acknowledge any shortcomings you may find in yourself, -give them their due consideration- but it's more about getting an opportunity that causes you to *wake up and work* on smoothing out the wrinkles you've found, -in yourself *first*.

 

Then you can deal with your partner's affair better.

 

Just clarifying a few points made in my earlier post.

 

-Rio

[Brendahurt]

Example: your husband seems torn between choosing his family or leaving to be with the object of his affair.

 

Thank you so much for putting things sort of on paper for me, it made things clearer, as to how to implement them that's the hard thing. But I will give it my all to try to resolve myself. I need a lot of work within me. He is home right now acting as if nothing ever happend and the mere word from me on the subject makes him fussy and shuts down. So that leaves me alone in my mind wondering. Besides that the main reason why we decided that day that he would leave was because he admitted to me that he still has feelings for this woman and that he doesn't for me. So how do I handle this. If he doesn't love me anymore than there's nothing to fix here right? I am confused as to why he did not leave when he said he was. And to add to the confusion, he still tells me he loves me and he is acting so very very nice now.

Nevertheless, I will read your comment over and over again until I can actually grasp in my hand and put it into action. He is such a selfish man. I don't know who he is. I found on his cell phone her number still a number of times this wk. what does it all mean. I'm tired of going around and round with this. And I stooped low and called the OW two days ago and asked her to please tell me the truth since he won't. All she says is "nothing is going on anymore, I haven't seen him" But she did tell me that he has called her back on several occasions. I might just be the world's most stupid woman right now.

Thank you Rio.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Brendahurt: " I might just be the world's most stupid woman right now."

 

Brenda (Smile) -you'd have to squeeze yourself into a micro-speck just to fit into the masses of women who have either gone through your dilema, *are* going through it now, or *will* be going through it later.

 

And you're not stupid. You're confused, hurt, and feel alienated from someone you love and trusted.

 

Or do you? Love your partner, that is.

 

Your *true* feelings are something you really need to get in touch with, right now -not just about the pain you are feeling about the affair, -but whether or not *your own* feelings have changed regarding your love for your partner.

 

Is the hurt and difficulty you are going through more about having your trust broken, and your pride bent, -than if, or how deeply you love your partner?

 

It's important to know the true answer to those questions which are part of the review of your knowledge of yourself that I suggested.

 

As for your partner, did he actually *say* he had *no feelings* for you, -or did he only admit to having feelings for the human object of his affair?

 

Explaination of 'human object': Like men who play golf which becomes an obsession, or male hobbyists of all kinds, who allow their preoccupation to 'fill in' where there is dwindling affection, lack of romantic attention, or the spark has died down in a relationship that may have lasted for years, -some of them 'fall in love' with the object of their 'affair' with the hobby. Sometimes, the 'fill-in' or surrogate for those emotions is human.

 

It's not the best analogy, -but it should give you some inkling of an idea of why the human object of his affair can become obsessive, -and misleading in regards to his true feelings.

 

He may still have feelings for you, -they may just be heavily clouded by his fantasies of what he *might* be missing because of the decline in specific areas concerned with romance in his relationship with you.

 

He may also half-realize that the relationship with substance, real power, strength, -and real love- is the one he has with you. That would explain his still sticking around with only the part of him full of testosterone hanging out the back door.

 

He's trying to figure out how he can keep his comfy life with you and the kids, and still take care of his more promising, exciting girlfriend.

 

He *has* to know what life would be like with her; he's driven to find out.

 

But on the other hand, he doesn't want to let go of the security of a wife and the familiarity of his home and family.

 

Knowing this, you should never resort to clinging behavior (remember self-respect), and you should never confront his girlfriend (remember grace).

 

You *should* , however, tell him he must choose.

 

Be prepared for either answer.

 

If he chooses you and his *real* life, then take his a*s immediately to a counselor (you sign up for the overhaul, too) -and begin working to keep -and improve on- what the two of you have already built.

 

If he chooses her, then swallow hard, take a deep breath, and tell him to leave.

 

Next, get an attorney to handle the legal matters that will ensue.

 

And keep your focus on a forward-moving target: the future you *will* build without him.

 

If you need to, get counseling for yourself -and your children, if they need it- and let him pick up the tab on that, too.

 

If he decides, six months from now, that the affair was all a mistake and you are doing fine without him, and have no feelings for him, point him (politely, firmly) to the curb. Smile gracefully as you are doing it, and remember your self-respect when he begins to beg, plead, apologize, and promise.

 

If you *both* sincerely want to give it another shot, and find that you still have love for each other, -then, by all means- give it everything you've got to make it work (and consider using counseling for assistance).

 

I hope what I've said, here, helps.

 

-Rio

[Chump64]

Come to the "infidelity" forum and start reading around. Some of the posters there are in similar situations. You will get some good ideas / advice there.