it hurts.. it hurts..

[foolishinobi]

hi.. i desperately need some advice...

 

im with a gurl for almost 7 yrs now.. had our ups and downs.. i really love her.. and she loves me..

 

problem:

she says she is inlove with another guy whom she just met last march..

 

story:

it seems that the a guy was always visiting her everytime she stayed in her boarding hauz.. i accidentally knew about it, asked her why she did it, and told me that i was not giving her enough time and she liked the way the other guy treats her.. i admit that i was not giving her enough time but i was a bit busy then.. so i told her to cut off any communication with the other guy and asked for a chance for me to change.. and i did change, spent my time with her, called her every hour or so, go to dinner with her, told her i love her everytime.. but during that time, the guy also calls her every night, eventhough i told her not to.. so in time, i knew about it, got angry and told her, again, not to entertain the other guy.. this time she did, she did not talk to the guy, but in two weeks or so, when she went back and stayed at her boarding hauz and she met with the guy again(maybe that's why she stayed there for almost a week).. i eventually knew bout it coz i asked her again and again till she told me, and found emails from the guy saying "I Love you baby"(s***TTTTT!!)...

 

we talked bout it, asked her what she really wants with the other guy, she told me that she wants to be with him, that she wants to see him .. she told me that she loves me but also loves the other guy.. i asked her to choose between the two of us, she couldn't..

 

 

(this is not the first time she cheated on me, early on our relationship i was almost dumped coz of her childhood sweetheart but eventually got dumped coz her crush courted her, we got back, then during college she cheated on me with another guy, almost broke up but i didn't want to.. in time, i also had flings due to those experiences (if she can do it why cant i?).. i broke up with her for another gurl, but we got back in a week or so..time passed, we spent our times together most of the time but when i changed school our time together was short but still we were happy, after a year this happened..)

 

she is confused on what to do.. and after asking her these are her choices..

 

she told me that she is going to give the guy a chance and see how it goes..

 

she is going to college again to take up medicine... told me that she would break up with me and break up with the other guy so that she could concentrate on her studies..

 

i told her that our relationship was great and that she should juz dump the other guy, concentrate more on her studies and continue with our relationship..

 

 

i dunno what she'll do, but those are what we talked about.. but on my part, what should i do? i really love her and it would break my heart to loose her.. what is the best thing that i should do for myself?

 

 

 

:(

[In Sync]

It it understandable that you are hurting and are suffering but nevertheless I won't sugarcoat my advice or opinions.

 

It seems like your gf simply wants to date and be with someone else. Period. As painful as it is, this is life. No matter how much you may love someone there is always that chance the other person may stop loving you or decide that although they have feelings...they want to meet and be with another.

After all the begging and pleading you can do...the best option is to simply let go. If not you run the risk of pushing her away further into the arms of another because you appear needy and desparate. And sadly enough desparate is a sexual turn off.

If she decides to stay with you it has to be her choice. And hers alone.

 

You say that your relationship "was great." Face facts..if it were great she would not have cheated on you. Perhaps it was not great for her. If she is proned to cheating where is the greatness in that? For now let her do her thing. AND you need to practice NC, meaning absolutely no contact.

In your mind and heart you think going to her and convincing her to love you back will make you happy..unfortuanately pursuing her now will work against you.

During this phase will be the toughest period...every muscle in your body will want to contact her...resist. It is your only chance to maintain some sense of control in a situation where you feel out of control.

[foolishinobi]

yeah.. i think you're right.. if it was great she wouldn't have dated another guy.. tommorow is gonna be THE DAY.. we're gonna talk and she's gonna make her decision... i just dont know what i will do.. i feel like i cant let her go coz i feel like i could still do something abouto it, maybe if i'd give her the time she wants and treat her like a princess maybe she wont leave me.. but at the same time, if she wont leave me, i dont know if i could trust her again and i might return to my stupid self.. i dunno.. im juz goin crazy.. there is something inside me that wants her real bad and something that wants her gone.. i dunno.. but juz as you said.. the decision is up to her and her alone..

[In Sync]

yeah.. i think you're right.. if it was great she wouldn't have dated another guy.. tommorow is gonna be THE DAY.. we're gonna talk and she's gonna make her decision... i just dont know what i will do.. i feel like i cant let her go coz i feel like i could still do something abouto it, maybe if i'd give her the time she wants and treat her like a princess maybe she wont leave me.. but at the same time, if she wont leave me, i dont know if i could trust her again and i might return to my stupid self.. i dunno.. im juz goin crazy.. there is something inside me that wants her real bad and something that wants her gone.. i dunno.. but juz as you said.. the decision is up to her and her alone..

 

 

Hey, I know it's hard to be positive when your heart is hurting but that's why those of us who have been there offer our advice because although we empathize we can see things with both experience and with cooler heads. One day you will be in that position to offer someone advice when they are hurting.

My suggestion is, try not to look at meeting with her as a death sentence. Everything that you are going through is a sign of evolution and a chance at becoming better. You are not losing a limb or your eyesight. It's a relationship that needs some evaluation. Listen to her. Resist pleading and coercing. Part of all problems come from NEVER listening. We just react react and react. AND then like children we have a tantrum when things blow up in our faces. Let your gf, say what she needs to say without interferring or forcing her to see things your way. Resist blaming her because then the new guy will look better even if he isn't. I'm not saying you must agree, BUT listening and not getting defensive is actually a sign a growth. If she loves you she will want to work it out, but if she wants to move on gracefully be a man about it, acknowledge your pain but realize YOU WILL GET PAST IT. That is how we all grow.

[Guest]

if you want her bad enough let her go. if you force her to choose she will always choose the other guy. be confident enough to walk away. that will drive her nuts. don't be a jerk just walk away with your head held high. that is yer best shot.

[foolishinobi]

well.. she dumped me and told me that she'd focus on her studies.. i dunno if its true.. coz her cousin told me that she alwayz goes out.. my heart hurts like hell.. i feel like crying.. but i guess it would be best to let her go.. and with that NC thing.. maybe it would work.. last nyt.. i almost gone crazy coz i got all worried bout her.. she wont pick up her celfone or reply to my txts.. i call her fone and wont answer.. that drived me crazy.. called her in the middle of the nyt.. called her when i woke up.. but still no answer.. i was really worried.. but at noon she finally answered me using another cellfone number she was using.. damn.. i wasn't even aware she was using that number fortunately her cousin gave it to me.. well... i would get over this soon enough.. i juz hope sooner.. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: hopefully classes start soon.. i need something to keep me busy.. take my mind off things.. thank you guys.. this is the only place i could say whats inside me.. thanx..

[AFriend]

Sorry for the situation your in foolish. I'm just going to be straight out with you. Cut her out of your life. Yeah, you don't want to and it's really hard. But make an attempt to. You stated that she loved you? Last time I checked when two people loved each other they didn't cheat on each other. Then she cheated again? Don't you think she should have learned the first time?

 

I would no contact for your own good, which means if she calls/texts/etc you don't answer. Don't even check her facebook/myspace/etc as a lot of people do that. Stop worrying about her and worry about yourself. She is a big girl now and I doubt she needs your help. If you really need to worry about someone... worry about those kids in the third world country who have to worry if they will be able to eat or not each day.

 

I tell you now, if you need to cry just let it go. It'll make you feel better. "That NC thing" WILL work but you have to apply it and do it ALL the time not just NC couple weeks and call her or something. Then you'd just destroy 2 weeks worth of healing =/. I feel you because after I found out my ex gf had a bf after we broke up I was pretty hurt. Lucky for me I was already read about NC so I had about 3 months of NC before I found out from a friend (damn him heh).

 

Even to this day after 8-9 months I still think about her once and awhile. I'm not completely over her but I've come a LONG way from day 1. In 3 months I will be going to the same college as her, but I can assure you I'm going to keep NC because it's the best for ME. Hope I wasn't too harsh or anything... just needed to get the point across. Hope it helped.

[foolishinobi]

thank you guys..

 

much has happened.. when i felt like i could not take it anymore.. i decided on that NC thing.. so i told her.. but she kept on calling me so i finally answered.. and told me she wanted to talk.. so we did talk.. she told me that she wants me back.. so i was really happy and took her back.. but i asked her is she sure bout her decision.. but she told me that she isn't sure..

 

well anywayz.. we got back.. school has started.. she's in the city while im here stuck in the province.. i have been calling her every night, txting her.. but it seems that she's pushing me away.. she wont reply my txts, she hardly answers my calls.. i dunno what else should i do.. the other guy still keeps on contacting her and i dont know if i should tell her not to keep on entertaining him or ill juz let it be..

 

i will fight for her.. no matter what.. maybe she is still coping with the stress and changes in her life.. taking up Medicine is a hard course.. and ill alwayz be there to support her..

[foolishinobi]

hello again everyone.. hope you guys are feeling better.. well as for me.. it doesnt hurt that much now.. but still it hurts.. but im doing fine.. started to like things back again.. slowly.. till now.. ive just read an email sent by the other guy's sister.. saying that she have just talked with her mom (the other guy's mom) and told her that my girlfriend is soon to be her sister-in-law.. and her mom appreciates it.. i mean.. wat da f***kkk??? sister-in-law?? :lmao: were they planning on marrying each other?? the email also contained the message my gurl wrote.. didnt said anything bout any sister-in-law or anything bout marriage for that matter.. so she has not read it yet.. so im thinkin.. should i delete the email?? i mean.. we are slowly doing fine now.. there's no point for her reading that email.. should i delete it?? im confused... should i just let it be??, and let her know that she is accepted by the family of the other guy and they consider her as part of their family now?? should i just wait for her reaction?? if she really loves me.. it wouldn't matter to her right? ohh man.. wat a punch that was.. so.. what do you guys think??:(:(

[BatteredByLove]

Hate to break it to you man... she doesnt seem like she loves you, if she did then why was she trying to be with two other guys? She might care about you and all but I don't know your history, 7 years is a long time, but during those 7 years... cheating? My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, and after the breakup we kept in contact, everything was going smoothly, she would say i was perfect for her, just that we fight a lot, but in the end.... we're not together. I've been trying NC for about 1 month... broke it though, screwed it up by visiting her on monday, and she looked at me super pissed, and went back into her house, the point im trying to say is that, KEEP NC!!!! No matter how many times she texts, how many times she calls, but since you guys are still together.... ask her about the othre guy... I still sense some foul air.

[foolishinobi]

i still cant go to NC.. coz i know there is still some chance to have her.. even if it is too little.. i still wont lose hope.. and im not willing to let go 7 yrs of my life without a fight..

 

hmmm.. well, come to thinko of it.. it was still juz an email from the guy's sister.. it wasnt from my gurl.. i dont know.. but she said to me once.. that i should just believe in us.. that the other guy was juz a fling.. so should i delete the email?? or juz wait for her reaction??

[Smung]

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Foolishinobi wrote:

i still cant go to NC.. coz i know there is still some chance to have her.. even if it is too little.. i still wont lose hope.. and im not willing to let go 7 yrs of my life without a fight..

 

hmmm.. well, come to thinko of it.. it was still juz an email from the guy's sister.. it wasnt from my gurl.. i dont know.. but she said to me once.. that i should just believe in us.. that the other guy was juz a fling.. so should i delete the email?? or juz wait for her reaction??

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Foolish,

I want to help you so, I am going to provide some tough love.

 

1) From what you wrote about your relationship 99% of the people here would agree that your relationship is harmful to YOU!! and therefor not worth spending so much energy and time to keep.

 

2) The tactics you are using to "Keep" this woman in your life are pathetic. WOMEN WANT A MAN! You do not want to be a roll of emotional toilet paper to be used when needed.

 

 

3) YOUR NOT LETTING GO! By not letting go and NOT making attempts to move on you are living in the past. You said she was "confussed" She is not cofussed.. She is simply expressing her desire to move on and using that word as an excuse.

 

Advice time: GO NC... Before you cause anymore damage to the relationship you should give her a vacation from you. SHE not you must decide how the relationship will be. You need to FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Do whatever you can to focus on self improvement. Exercise, take classes, start your own business!! Whatever, but do not!! TEXT HER, CALL HER, SEND CARRIER PIGIONS, NOTHING!! the more you do this the less attractive you will be to her.

 

I hope you think about this.

[foolishinobi]

hi.. im back again.. after a long time.. sorry.. but i didn't follow your NC thing.. coz it seemed to me that i was the one that is lacking something.. and one thing i read bout how to cure depression is that you have to do your best on sumthing and do it again, then again, then just give up.. well that was what i did.. and im quite feeling okay now.. im slowly standing up again...

 

we are still on.. she calls me everynight.. but now, she told me that sumthing happened between them and now she feels so guilty.. she's suicidal that's why im so worried bout her.. she took herself to a pyschiatrist and was told that she was mentally ill.. now.. i need some advice.. i really dont know what to do.. if i let her feel a lot more guilty.. i dont know if she could take it and might commit sumthing crazy.. and if i dont let her feel guilty.. she might think that it was an okay thing.. and might do it again.. she really has a lot of things on her back, shes studying medicine and with this troubling her.. plz help.. anyone?? can someone help?? advices?? plllzzz.. you peple are the one's that keeps guys like me from not going crazy.. i need your help guys..

[In Sync]

hi.. im back again.. after a long time.. sorry.. but i didn't follow your NC thing.. coz it seemed to me that i was the one that is lacking something.. and one thing i read bout how to cure depression is that you have to do your best on sumthing and do it again, then again, then just give up.. well that was what i did.. and im quite feeling okay now.. im slowly standing up again...

 

we are still on.. she calls me everynight.. but now, she told me that sumthing happened between them and now she feels so guilty.. she's suicidal that's why im so worried bout her.. she took herself to a pyschiatrist and was told that she was mentally ill.. now.. i need some advice.. i really dont know what to do.. if i let her feel a lot more guilty.. i dont know if she could take it and might commit sumthing crazy.. and if i dont let her feel guilty.. she might think that it was an okay thing.. and might do it again.. she really has a lot of things on her back, shes studying medicine and with this troubling her.. plz help.. anyone?? can someone help?? advices?? plllzzz.. you peple are the one's that keeps guys like me from not going crazy.. i need your help guys..

 

Apparently you didn't follow anyone's advic all varied but centrally the same maintain No contact and now you are back in a mess again. So I ask you honestly are you looking for advice or are you really just venting, because one means you are looking to change and the other is well, you are willing to just stick it out and let things take care of themselves regardless it leads you in a vicious circle.

From my p.o.v. it seems this is a story of the blind leading th blind...she's got mental issues and sorry kid..so do you. Do you think you are the one to

fix her problems when she is talking about suicide. Let her doctor provide her the assistance she needs and you need to find your own doctor (therapist or pyschiatrist) and seek help..because you are being swallowed up in something bigger than just a mere heartbreak. This is serious.