Where do I start...

[litfish]

Hi, I have been reading posts on here for the last several weeks and they have been really helpful. During the latter part of February, I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year. If you have the time to read a LENGTHY post, I'm giving an account of our relationship, and I hope that someone has some thoughts that might be of help in my specific situation.

 

First things first..He and I never intended to get into a *relationship*. He was just two months out of a year long live-in relationship and they were still communicating platonically, and pretty regularly, for a disconcerting amount of time. He informed me right off the bat that he would be returning to India to marry the woman of his parent's choosing (I'm a white American, his former girlfriend was Indian-American). And, in fact, had his ex not decided to end their relationship after he made that decision, they would still be together. Red Flag number one, I KNOW, but no problem, I was just looking to have a little fun. However, we REALLY ended up clicking. Both mentally and physically. For a month we saw each other very frequently, and it was after that first month that he said he had decided to pursue a career that would require him to take contracts in different states. I was disappointed, but we had only been seeing each other for one month. We decided to take advantage of the month that we had avilable before he had to leave to train for his job, and continued to see one another.

 

I thought it would be over the day he left (2 months in). But, he kept calling. We decided mutually that we wanted to stay in touch within a week after he left. We ended up communicating every day; I really fell truly in love with him via e-mail and telephone. He expressed some regret shortly after leaving, claiming that I was constantly on his mind and that he wasn't sure what the point of life was if not to spend it with someone that he was so compatible with on every level. He said he would almost work at a gas station in order to be near me. We got together two months later, after his training session, and spent a week at the beach. It seemed like it would, or should be over after that rendezvous. He restated that he could never make a commitment to me. It hurt, and I was disappointed, but we didn't decide absolutely to quit seeing one another. However, I knew that we wouldn't remain in touch the way that we had over the summer. But, a week later, while I was visiting a relative, still just a few hours from city where his training had been, he decided that he would like to come stay with me at my home, in the city where we had met, until he gained a contract with an agency, which would again take him to some other place out of state. We lived together for six weeks, and it was wonderful. He even asked questions about what kind of wedding I wanted, but I felt that that was cruel, because he had insisted from the beginning that we wouldn't be married. In fact, before coming to stay with me he expressed his guilt over the fact that he was "keeping me" from meeting someone when he knew that he couldn't be with me. So, I answered his wedding question nonchalantly and asked him what his wedding would be like, and he immediately said that he didn't even want to think about it. That was while we lived together.

 

Well, we knew that he would get a job and move on, but when the time came, it wasn't any easier. He very much had hoped that he would get a job near me, but he ended up getting one that was 7 hours away by car. We met half way once, a month after he had been gone. Shortly after our next meeting, six months later during the Thanksgiving holiday, we got into a bit of an argument over the phone, I think he was mad that I suggested how awful it would be if I accidently got pregnant (I had a bit of a scare, and he had insisted from the beginning that he and I wouldn't ever be together). I suggested that we see other people, as he said he felt guilty that he couldn't be with me and was keeping me from meeting others. KISS OF DEATH. Anyway, neither of us ended up seeing other people and continued to communicate the way we had. He even suggested that if we never ended up marrying and having children that we should have them together. I said that I wanted to have them before a certain time, with a husband, and if I didn't, I just wouldn't have kids. He then asked if I was disappointed that we would never have children. A question that I felt was cruel, since he knew that I cared very deeply for him. I admitted that I was disappointed that we couldn't have a future together. We spent Christmas holidays together, and he came to visit on Valentine's Day. Shortly after the Valentine's visit, though he gave me a card that finally mentioned the word love (I could tell that he loved me, but he had never actually said it), he said that he was thinking of actually taking advantage of our open relationship status. First of all, we had agreed that we wouldn't talk about it if we did, and he had always insinuated that the purpose of having an open relationship was to assauge his guilt by allowing me an opportunity to see others.

 

I responded to his declaration by saying that I didn't really want us to see other people, and that I thought it would be best at that point to break up since he did want to see other people due to his being lonely. He didn't want to break up, though. He even admitted verbally that he did indeed love me, but that he hadn't told me because he was afraid that it would hurt me because he still had no intentions of ever being with me. Not to mention the fact that he thought love should speak for itself. It did, but his particular brand of love without any hope of commitment often left me feeling sad and insecure. Well, the next day when I called and said that I didn't want to break up just then, he was reluctant because he had "tried to think of a solution" to our situation, but he couldn't, and he had made his decision. He wanted to be with me, but he was sorry, he wanted to return to India more. And of course he didn't really want to choose to live in India outside of the bounds of societal expectations. Breaking up was probably for the best. Well, I eventually talked him into staying together at least for the time being, but a week later he said that he really didn't want to stay together as he had gone out to a bar and talked to a girl and resented his obligation to me that didn't allow him to pursue an opportunity if it arose. However, he was adamant that he wanted to remain in contact as I was his best friend.

 

I had always practiced NC in previous breakups, but he and I had a unique situation: it really seemed like his culture and our geographical distance, things that couldn't be helped really, were the problem, not some fundamental "US" relationship problem. So I said I would try, though I didn't make any promises.

 

So after sadness and many long phone conversations, we eventually began communicating just like before, (though every other day instead of every day) except that I was feeling okay about not being together, and then he and I would have a conversation in which he would again tell me that I was perfect for him. When I suggested that I felt that our continuing to communicate seemed similar to his post-breakup relationship with his ex, he insisited that there was no comparision between his feelings for me and the feelings he had had for his ex. I'm perfect for him.

 

Hope springs eternal. I went and saw him just one month after our breakup. Started feeling like that last visit provided some positive closure, feeling okay with not communicating as frequently, and then he calls and decides he wantes to visit in April. I wasn't sure, but he sounded hurt when he sensed that I might not want him to visit, and of course I did *want* to see him. It had just been painful, so I said of course I would love to see him in three weeks, the date for which he had booked a flight; the weekend that would have marked our year anniversary. Though I was unsure when I first saw him--I had indicated that I didn't know how I felt about being physical with him, we eventually fell into our old rapport. Both the fact that I sensed that he had been with someone since I had seen him last, and his joking comment that he didn't care if I slept with another man, so long as I didn't cook for them--that privelige belonged to him alone--left me feeling a little uneasy.

Eventually, about mid-May, when I finally got to the point that I didn't feel compelled to contact him, though I was pleasant when we spoke, he began exclusively initiating contact with increasing frequency. He also seemed disappointed when I told him that I had taken a weekend job for the summer, making it unlikely that we wouldt be able to see much of each other.

 

Then, he got me with a voicemail that told me he had moved his month-long visit to India up from August to June. I called him, and really felt a little panicked that we would have a minimum of two months without seeing each other. A couple of days later, after my initiating a call or two, he began dropping these obnoxious joking hints about having other women around. He had been doing this since we broke up, but I chose to ignore it or take it with a grain of salt. Well, because I was frustrated that just as I was feeling okay about us not being an item, just friends, only to have him draw me back into our intimate interaction and subsequently begin to start pushing me away again, I decided to confront him about seeing other people. So I asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me, and got him to admit that he had "met" someone else. After a couple of days of highly frustrating conversation in which I reverted to *devestated emotional girl,* he confessed that they had seen each other once in a while, but refused to tell me the extent to which this mystery girl (s?) played a part in his life. In a momentof rationality, a couple of days later, after he was completely fed up with me wanting to hash over *US* again, I told him that I must have been misunderstanding his intentions because I never felt like our relationship post-breakup was that different. He admitted that he had felt differently toward me after we broke up. I thanked him for being honest about that, though he "DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!" and ended the conversation because he was clearly very frustrated and didn't want to talk to me any longer.

 

 

That was one and a half weeks ago. I thought I had pushed him away for good with my final, emotional orgy of neediness. But I did feel pretty okay about it. I felt almost relieved at the idea that he would probably never contact me again. Though I had wished we could part on positive terms, it seemed like this was the only way we would end up truly parting. I told him time and again that I couldn't do the in between stuff, quasi-relationship stuff--that it was too hard on me. Anyway, he was very likely sleeping with someone else, and I was the emotional mess that bore no resemblance to the confident, fun-loving girl that he started with a year ago.

 

Well, he called the very next day and acted just like he always does. We didn't talk about how I felt, and we had a pleasant conversation, but it was brief. Then he called the next day because his pipes in his apartment burst, and all of his gifts and luggage got wet, and he was feeling like he was coming down with something. So, I told him that it would all be okay. I even checked to see how he was doing later that evening. And then the next day...he was sick and tired. But, he wanted my opinion on the gifts that he was buying to take home. And so on through a weekend of him lying sick in bed and on the phone with me, until last Thursday, the night before he left. I called to wish him a safe journey, and he didn't answer his phone all night. Hmmm, wonder who he was with? Didn't even care all that much. Emotionally exhausted at this point. But the morning that he left, he called and promised to send an e-mail, at my request, to let me know that he had arrived safely.

 

I felt good about me finally getting some space in order to heal properly, but rather than e-mail, he called me this morning and left a voicemail.

 

Now I feel guilty that I didn't hear the phone when he went to the trouble to call me from India. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, but it just hurts a lot to have him remain a constant reminder of what we no longer had, what we never will have, never could have had, maybe never did have. Sometimes I think that our breakup was my fault, that I made too many mistakes, but then I realize that though I have no doubt in my mind that loved me at one time (perhaps still does in his way) he ultimately didn't/doesn't WANT to love me. And though I wouldn't dream of trivializing how difficult it would be for him go against the expectations of his culture and his family, it is ultimately his decision as to whether or not he wants to comply with those expectations. Our relationship was probably hopeless from the beginning, but why does he hang on like he does? I have agreed that we can remain friends, not even necessarily without benefits (though he claims that he still wants to see me and talk to me even if we don't have sex). I just need some time to make the transition if there is going to be one...

 

I know I have rambled on and on--and even if no one posts, this has been cathartic. But if anyone has read and has anything to offer--comfort, advice, insight--it would be most welcome. Particularly any info on Indian/American relationship dynamics.

[In Sync]

Wow that's some saga..here's my thoughts. You became physically and emotionally involved with a man who may have loved you but clearly was not able to fulfill the dream you had in mind. So you were not playing on a level playing field. The longer you remain in contact with him, this will tear at your heart. You don't need to turn him into the enemy. But if you don't shut the door on this drama in your life you will endure endless heartache. If he (because of cultural background obligations cannot marry you...but he can have multiple relationships) why put your heart through this. His future is alread cast in stone. He can tell you all kinds of romantic things and lead you to believe in his words BUT now that you know that he cannot break this family obligation what do you gain by continuing to see him. It'll always be a constant reminder that you two will not be together. Now you are putting up with him seeeing other girls?

Warning about sex...it's a powerful bonding drug. This is the last thing you need to be indulging in with him at this stage of the game.

Good Luck.

[litfish]

Thank you, Insync, for your interest and your thoughts. I agree that the physical interaction has to be eliminated from the equation even if we do meet one another in person. And, I absolutely agree he shouldn't be made an enemy...he's seeing other women because he and I are no longer together. That is his right. In fact, I have gone out with other men, though I haven't slept with anyone.

 

I just wonder whether or not we can truly be friends. I know we can't right now, but I would hate to think that we would become so estranged from one another that we could never have ANY kind of friendship. My first love and I were together for over two years, split on bad terms, and have never spoken or seen one another in ten years--and I was the one who made the decision to cut it off that completely. A decision that I now regret. Also, I just wonder if my current relationship truly fell apart because of circumstance, or if he is using his circumstance as an excuse to "have his cake and eat it, too?" I would hate to think so, as I believe that he is not capable of being that malicious; but, I can't help wondering if the *come here/go away* stuff is simply a case of plain, old-fashioned stringing along.

 

P.S. One member here has a quote from Erica Jong--"Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didn't." I very much agree with that sentiment. So, folks, bear with me if I seem to question the obvious. I do appreciate any support that is offered.

[Love Hurts]

He is a free spirit. You are more grounded. Although you have lost your way in the mellow drama of the relationship....

 

You cooly knew it would not last and dipped your foot into the pool of water, not realizing you would splash into it and swim a marathon.

 

Exhausted, mentally and emotionally whipped. Confussion of reality, right from wrong are lost in your sea of emotions. Reasoning is clouded.

 

Under it all you know.... it's time to move on.. you knew long ago.

I believe loneliness or fear of lonliness allows us to keep on keeping on in a no where relationship.

We know it is useless, but hey what else do I have going on?

 

With that frame of mind.... nothing good could ever come to us as long as we allow ourselves to linger in a dumpster.

 

Life can open doors even if you find yourself alone with you. That is meant to be..... time to reflect on self is important.

Often times some of our greatest accomplishments in life were performed when we were alone.

 

Self worth grows when we find ourselves. I urge you to stop ... all contact and begin to heal from playtime with the free spirited love dancing indian. It is not doing a thing for you in the long run.

 

Why allow a man to take you to a banquet feast and have you stand away from the table and not be allowed eat from it?

Dangling marriage and children and that life in front of you is torture.

 

The next time a man takes you to a banquet there should be a seat provided for you and should dine.

This will happen if you have demands, expectations and close the door...

On anything less than.

 

Take time out... find yourself. Set goals and get a few hobbies to occupy your time.. Life goes on and there are alot of good people in the world.

The road will turn again...........

 

Good luck

[In Sync]

Thank you, Insync, for your interest and your thoughts. I agree that the physical interaction has to be eliminated from the equation even if we do meet one another in person. And, I absolutely agree he shouldn't be made an enemy...he's seeing other women because he and I are no longer together. That is his right. In fact, I have gone out with other men, though I haven't slept with anyone.

 

I just wonder whether or not we can truly be friends. I know we can't right now, but I would hate to think that we would become so estranged from one another that we could never have ANY kind of friendship. My first love and I were together for over two years, split on bad terms, and have never spoken or seen one another in ten years--and I was the one who made the decision to cut it off that completely. A decision that I now regret. Also, I just wonder if my current relationship truly fell apart because of circumstance, or if he is using his circumstance as an excuse to "have his cake and eat it, too?" I would hate to think so, as I believe that he is not capable of being that malicious; but, I can't help wondering if the *come here/go away* stuff is simply a case of plain, old-fashioned stringing along.

 

P.S. One member here has a quote from Erica Jong--"Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didn't." I very much agree with that sentiment. So, folks, bear with me if I seem to question the obvious. I do appreciate any support that is offered.

 

 

If I've learned one thing from all the pain I've experienced from my break-up to standing on my two feet again is this: we learn from these damn break-ups if we pay close attention. And when we see there is a lesson that we needed to learn it's just that much easier to accept what has happened. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what have I taken away from this. What do I NEED to learn? When the hearts at stake examine why you went through this. Why are putting up with a situation that doesn't leave you fulfilled? Everything happens for a reason NOW it's your job to figure out what to learn from it. Otherwise you'll just allow yourself to spin and spin around going through the same mess. Growing up is sometimes painful because it requires releasing what is holding you back. Again releasing doesn't have to be with anger or negative emotions but with clear understanding that you are outgrowing what you were so accustomed to accepting.

[litfish]

Thanks for the great responses. I do feel better..lemons out of lemonade...

[litfish]

Was that a Freudian slip or what? Rather, lemonade out of lemons! I'll get it together...

[fabulousgal]

I can tell you from my own experience these guys are very bad. They will run around and have fun living this lifestyle, and will do and say things, knowing that their main interest is with their family. That is fine I guess if they are upfront, but rarely do they change.