I feel sick again

[KittenMoon]

The anxiety has returned. My stomach hurts and I can't eat and I'm losing weight again (it's been around 12-15lbs since the breakup). So I guess it's not all bad. I'm just tired of being so sad. I miss him SO MUCH, but at the same time, I know I'm also beginning to realize how it wasn't working. Which is probably what's making me sick again. The spark was gone, but he never gave it a chance to return. He didn't try, and that hurts. But I was also waiting around for him to become a man he either won't become, or won't be for a long time. I have so many good memories and those hurt a lot, knowing these are the memories I would have like to reminiesce about with my husband when we're old, but that this probably won't be. I hope someday I can reminiesce about them with my friend, maybe at a BBQ while our kids play together. I'm being an optimist, which is hard for me, so please don't shoot me down.

 

It wasn't working, and that's killing me. It wasn't working because he wasn't putting in the effort. I want to blame him but I can't. The last few times I've seen him I could see the cracks in the person I knew- the cracks that showed how unhappy he had been, not specifically just with me, but with his whole life. How unsure he is. He's relieved some pressure and obligation and that makes him happier, but I can also see the pain when I said things to him like "I wish I knew what was going on in your head". And when he answered "I wish I did too." I feel bad for him, this is probably going to be the hardest time in his life. Love is gone, career is on the rocks, he doesn't know what to do or where to go- just like me. I wish I could be there for him, I wish even more he would be there for me, but we simply can't and not end up hating each other.

 

God, I am tired of being sad. I keep waking up in the middle of the night plagued by thoughts. I still cry everyday- mostly on the phone to my mom, who is so scared for me. I guess I'm just scared too.

 

Feels a little better to write about though.

[Outcast]

Would you for the love of GOD please see a therapist before you have a complete breakdown and need to be committed?

[KittenMoon]

Auuuuurggg! I wanna scream.

 

I just wrote my ex a letter- not something I'll be giving to him, at least not any time in the forseeable future. Just a therapeutic letter for myself. To him, about the fact that he never really opened up to me. He thought he did, but in reality he didn't.

 

Like he could talk about things, but not how he felt about them. Like he could talk about whether to go back to school or just work, but he couldn't tell me if it made him happy or scared or whatever. He could tell me he lost feelings for me, but was incapable of telling me what feelings or why. He was incapable of telling me these things at a point when something could have been done about it. There was no chance given to reconnect or respark anything.

 

And in my inexperience I didn't know to ask for these emotions. I didn't see what damaged was being cause, what distance was being created by him not opening up. And the fact that I depended on him emotionally more than he did on me is what is making this so so hard.

 

I'm finding these little pieces on the path to recovery, these things that show me it wasn't working, these things and warning signs to remember in the future.

 

He won't open up, and if he won't, he won't. It's just so sad to lose a great friend and a great love and what could have been a great future due to fear and inexperience.

[2020vision]

Sweetie-

 

I feel for you. You are going through both physical and mental distress because of this break up. I have been there before.

 

Losing 10-15lbs. is not healthy when it is the result of not eating. Although it has been only a matter of months that you have been broken up with you ex, six years is a very long time and a large portion of your life to spend with someone. And it is extremley difficult to get over the memories. If you feel that you truley have no one to speak with about this besides your mother and LS members, IMO, I believe its within your best interest to see a therapist/counselor.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

2020

[KittenMoon]

Sweetie-

 

I feel for you. You are going through both physical and mental distress because of this break up. I have been there before.

 

Losing 10-15lbs. is not healthy when it is the result of not eating. Although it has been only a matter of months that you have been broken up with you ex, six years is a very long time and a large portion of your life to spend with someone. And it is extremley difficult to get over the memories. If you feel that you truley have no one to speak with about this besides your mother and LS members, IMO, I believe its within your best interest to see a therapist/counselor.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

2020

 

I have friends to- unfortunately most of them are mutual friends of ours. Not that they'd be running to him with my pain by any means (they are actually far more MY friends than his now), it's still hard.

 

I might be finally breaking down and seeing a counselor though...

[2020vision]

Why not try it, you know? I had to see a therapist after my friend passed away. It really helped to talk to someone whose career is helping people with their problems. I have almost considered at this stage in my break up as well, to just get past the last hurdles of it.

 

In my honest opinion, I just read in another thread of yours that your ex is lovable, etc...Well, I think its time that you look at him differently. Some one who gives up on your relationship and breaks your heart is NONE of the adjectives you described him as. This is going to take a while to accept this, but he is not that great and neither was your relationship. Sorry for the tough love, but hopefully it does more good than bad...

 

Regards

 

2020

[KittenMoon]

In my honest opinion, I just read in another thread of yours that your ex is lovable, etc...Well, I think its time that you look at him differently. Some one who gives up on your relationship and breaks your heart is NONE of the adjectives you described him as. This is going to take a while to accept this, but he is not that great and neither was your relationship. Sorry for the tough love, but hopefully it does more good than bad...

 

Thanks. But just because he gave up on us doesn't change the fact that he was lovable, loyal, trustworthy, never lied, treated me wonderfully for many years, and the fact that we did indeed love very deeply. And THAT'S what makes this so hard. I have all these memories of the times we spent. He even wanted me to marry him for a long time, which I, like a fool, constantly rebuked him on. I thought I hadn't finished living my life, or having my share of loves. I regret this everyday. I can't stop thinking of him as my "mate" and the man I want to be my husband. Of course I am glorifying him. He gave up, he didn't want to work, maybe doesn't even think any relationship needs this much work. But its like all the pieces were there, they just never quite lined up at the same time. So it fell apart. I miss him, y'know, for all the years of good times I'll never have with him again.

[Love Hurts]

It is a good thing you can talk about it................ Thankfully you have a mother to listen. She cares. We all need to vent ......

 

A heart filling up with love is a beautiful thing. We glow, we feel all is right and well with the world and those problems in life are never as huge when we have love in our hearts.

 

The draining process of *love remove. Hurts alot!

We want to keep love. The mind keeps it's fond memories the heart does not want to let go.

 

It takes time............. this is the ugly part of love.......... drainage.

yik.

 

You will empty ............... you will get yourself together as will he.

One day at a time. I speak from the pain of a current similar situation in my own walk of life.

I want to hold on and I know it's not healthy to do that.

I have good days and bad days.

Some days I play our songs and think of us, it makes me cry and smile.

To think of some of the more wonderfull moments we two shared together.

 

Then I wake, knowing one day at a time I am moving away from what was. Moving into what is and what will be.

 

You can do it.... one day at a time.

 

Get busy doing something different............ it helps.

You don't want to, you would rather sulk... I know.. force yourself.

Or you will not get well.

 

The sooner you start to change, the sooner you will begin to mend.

[Tim'sAngel]

Kitten, I really feel for you! Please don't take what I'm about to say wrong. I know what it feels like to be hurt, believe me!! A break up is a hard thing, imagine being dumped right after finding out your expecting and then told that it is someone else's bal bal bla, then having a beautiful baby w/no father ot care for him!! I do feel your pain. But you keep posting thread after thread of how much your hurting not only emotionally, but physically as well (not eating, losting wieght, anxiety) and you don't seem to be doing anything but posting about it. There has got to be atime when you stand up and say "you know what, I've been hurt, and it sucks!! But I will not sit about moping and drowning in my own misery and let this person ruin my life!!" I've had to do it, so have many many others. Look at people like Blind otter. She was molested more than once. She got therapy and learned how to cope with the pain in her past, and she isn't the only one who finally got sick pain and did something about it!! You are no less!! You can find a way out of your anguish and take care of yourself. Remember noone will take care of you like you! Your future is in your hands! Now what are you going to do with it?

[Tim'sAngel]

, I am tired of being sad. I keep waking up in the middle of the night plagued by thoughts. I still cry everyday- mostly on the phone to my mom, who is so scared for me. I guess I'm just scared too.

 

Feels a little better to write about though.

 

And by all means, keep posting!! I dont' want to discourage you from venting and asking for advice. It would just be nice to read something about you getting on w/your life and getting healthier and happier. ANd you can!!