Is this stupid? Or what?

[KittenMoon]

So I've spent the last two night in utter sobbing I-can-barely-move despair. I don't even know why, other than the fact I miss him so much.

 

It comes down to this: I feel like I can't move on to anyone else until he does. Is this stupid? I feel like this isn't over for real until I know he's crossed that line and had some sort of romantic/physical interaction with someone else. This thought is more paralyzing than anything, I get seriously ill thinking about him with another girl, but at the same time I just want it to be over with. So I don't have to harbor hope anymore. I want that hope to die. Until then, I feel like being with another guy in anyway is still a betrayal (which is the dumb part but I still love him in many ways).

 

I'm almost glad all my friends are leaving- when we're in a group it still feels like I am with him. I cannot imagine bring another guy into our circle. Since he's more or less walked away from everyone, its obviously less of an issue to him.

 

I told myself this morning that we're not meant to be partners. He is the one who failed our love. He's walked away from that. That it doesn't matter who he's with now, because until he meets that one special girl to be his wife, everyone else will be compared to me. I was his first love, lover, and the first girl he wanted to marry. And trust me, these girls will have a higher bar in me to live up to than other guys will to him. I know he still cares about me, and that he remembers our love- I hope it sticks him like a knife. Maybe in time we'll figure out what we're actually meant to be. Friends? Distant aquaintances? Or nothing but memories?

 

I just want this to be over with. I have no interest in dating other guys, I feel no attraction to anyone, I feel like I feel nothing but sadness over what I have lost, no matter how I tell myself it must not have been meant to be.

 

I wish I had more bad memories to remember. But they all seem to be from the last six months. Before that, it was as good as it gets. Six months cannot compete with six years.

[Diver012]

Doesnt sound stupid to me at all. I know my ex is with someon else. She wouldnt tell me, but I know. Truth is he can have her. It bothered me the first couple of days when I realized it, but I let it go after that. I too have no interest in datin anyone right now. I actually hate that feeling and it scares me. It just takes time thats all...

[Outcast]

Go. To. A. Therapist.

[the_alchemyst]

 

It comes down to this: I feel like I can't move on to anyone else until he does. Is this stupid? I feel like this isn't over for real until I know he's crossed that line and had some sort of romantic/physical interaction with someone else. This thought is more paralyzing than anything, I get seriously ill thinking about him with another girl, but at the same time I just want it to be over with. So I don't have to harbor hope anymore. I want that hope to die. Until then, I feel like being with another guy in anyway is still a betrayal (which is the dumb part but I still love him in many ways).

 

 

!

 

That's me!

 

Sometimes I wish that my exbf would just have a one-night-stand with a girl. Yes . . . I wish he did and I wish I found out about it, too. Why?

 

Maybe because since I know that this is the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive (mainly because I would never be able to be the same with him; I would always have the thought of him and someone else in the back of my mind--it would be unbearable), and if I knew this had happened, then it would be as if our everything had been severed for good.

 

It's as if there is still a small string of hope--this illusion of fidelity and betrayal--left. I know for a fact that if he hooked up with someone else or even worse, got a new gf, I would be so devastated that I would not be able to take him back. Mind you, it wouldn't be because I ceased to love him, but because (to me, at least) it would feel like the very essence of him had been shattered.

 

I don't think this is dumb at all, kitten.

 

I guess that for you, like for me, that would be the lowest and most devastating blow--the one we would not be able to forgive.

 

Sometimes, like you, I too have thought about doing something, thinking that if I do, maybe I'll forget him or I'll spark a reaction from him or something. But then I realize that is truly stupid because I know I don't yearn to be with anyone else and that if I think I do, it's just because I'm trying to con myself into believing something I don't in order to feel a little better. And then I also realize that I wouldn't be able to do anything (first) anyway because even the thought of spending the evening with another guy hanging out makes me feel like I'm cheating on him.

 

Isn't that absurd? But I guess that's because a part of us wants everything to revert back to the way it used to be, and that because an even smaller part of us believes that it will.

 

And maybe it will.

 

But maybe it won't.

 

Who knows?

 

It sucks that we don't. =(

[KittenMoon]

Honestly, I just feel so stupid. He's not that great but I can't seem to stop loving him anyways. I'm in love with 6 years of good memories. Not the guy who gave up on us, who has chosen toxic but easy friendships over me, thinks work is more important than anything, etc.

 

I just want to stop missing him. Thoughts of him with other girls plague me. I'm crying a lot and my stomach has started to hurt again.

 

I want him back. Or I want to not miss him or love him anymore.

[KittenMoon]

Ok, I just deleted all my old emails from him except for a dozen or so from the first year we dated. (I plan on printing these out and putting them in "The Box") There weren't many, but they broke my heart just to see the familiar nicknames thrown around. Last week I removed his name from my email contacts list so I wouldn't have to see it every time I sent an email.

 

I'm trying these baby steps. I just don't feel like they are working.

 

My break-up buddy thinks I should call him up and ask him to give us another chance. (Seeing that 3+ months in I'm still miserable and even he's still teary eyed to see me) I told her that wasn't going to happen. I would never be able to believe we have a second chance unless he's the one who does the asking.

 

I don't beg- I did that once when we were still breaking up. Even then I knew I would do it that one time (because I loved him enough to humble my pride for those few moments) but never again.

 

I always thought I was stronger than these feelings. I never thought I would be consumed like this. Guess not.

[alphamale]

Hi KITTENMOON

[KittenMoon]

Hi KITTENMOON

 

Alpha, your replies to my posts are getting progressively weirder.

[alphamale]

Alpha, your replies to my posts are getting progressively weirder.

i was just saying hello...don't read anything more into it.

[norajane]

6 years is a long time to be with someone - I speak from experience.

 

It's natural that it will take a while for you to heal, and it's natural that you need to believe it's over in order to be able to move on. It seems that you don't think you'll quite get there until he starts seeing someone else, but that will actually bring a fresh wave of pain to you if it happens. Then, there will be a woman to focus on - you will start imagining him with his new girlfriend and will wonder about their relationship, will wonder why he likes her better than you, will wonder what they're doing together in bed, and it will tear you up even further.

 

I think you know the answer is to move on. The only thing that worked for me was to spend as much time as possible with my close friends and family, to do things I enjoy and try new things, to meet new people, to be happy with my life without him. It took me a long time, but every day I would pay close attention to those moments that I felt good. Eventually, those moments add up and outweigh the bad moments.

 

There's no easy answer, just time.

[KittenMoon]

6 years is a long time to be with someone - I speak from experience.

 

It's natural that it will take a while for you to heal, and it's natural that you need to believe it's over in order to be able to move on. It seems that you don't think you'll quite get there until he starts seeing someone else, but that will actually bring a fresh wave of pain to you if it happens. Then, there will be a woman to focus on - you will start imagining him with his new girlfriend and will wonder about their relationship, will wonder why he likes her better than you, will wonder what they're doing together in bed, and it will tear you up even further.

 

I think you know the answer is to move on. The only thing that worked for me was to spend as much time as possible with my close friends and family, to do things I enjoy and try new things, to meet new people, to be happy with my life without him. It took me a long time, but every day I would pay close attention to those moments that I felt good. Eventually, those moments add up and outweigh the bad moments.

 

There's no easy answer, just time.

 

 

I know I need to move on. There's just a lot of memories to process through.

 

A hard thing to deal with is that prior to the break-up, I didn't even know haf the things that bothered him, the things he saw as problems. They didn't come out until it was too late to fix them. I told him how I felt, what my problems were with things- I got nothing from him. I got no chance to try to fix anything because I didn't know what needed fixing. Actually, not true. He had one big problem with me I knew about- that I didn't like that he worked so much and so hard for a company that treated him so badly (he still hasn't been paid since January and the company is ready to go belly up). I stopped bugging him about this. I said "work when you need to, I have plenty of stuff to do on my own." I changed, it still wasn't good enough. He never wanted to work hard for me. That HURTS.

 

We just had so many good years. He'll be off with other girls now. Eventually, I don't know when, and I probably shouldn't. I doubt he'll find out the grass is greener- I know him and I can't believe any girl he meets will be any more than a minor distraction, and most likely WAY more trouble than he wants. Yet it still HURTS.

 

I've been complaining a lot about losing all my friends, lately. Now I think maybe this is better. If my whole group is dismantled I'll stop expecting him to be there with me.

 

I see my male friends, newly married or on the path, and I see how they treat their girls, and I say "I deserve THAT." I deserve a guy like them. I really wish my ex was that guy, but he's probably not. I just hope I do find a guy so dedicated and willing to discuss the problems before they become incurable cancers in the relationship.

[tanbark813]

Every horrible night you have just brings you that much closer to a good one.

[sick of it]

kitten,

weve related a lot because of the severity of our relationship...let me tell you...

 

my ex, like yours, started hanging out with someone of the opposite sex while we were on our break (not broken up, just a break). they got closer and closer. they are together now. they moved in together soon after we offically broke up.

now, i always thought the only way i would ever dump this girl was if she cheated. i always thought that seeing or knowing she was with someone else would make me hate her. thats not true.

knowing that someone else is with her makes it worse. you dont want to know. you dont want to hear it, hear about it, see it, know it...anything. in theory, yes, it should make you be done. but it does bring another wave of pain.

ive always hated the whole "if its meant to be" bulls***. but you need to not know anything about him. if he moves on, which he will, as will you, dont look for info about it. you need to worry about yourself. im a year into the breakup. i have found anyone who strikes my fancy, i havent been looking. if it happens it happens.

 

"i feel like i cant move on to anyone else until he does"

thats not true. you will when you want to. you will when you will. you dont need to be with someone. yes, we'd like to be, yes, we think of how it was, yes, we enjoyed it. and we will again. we have to be patient, we need them completely out of our system.

6 years is a long time. i know. believe me. its a year later and not a day goes by. but you have to keep on trucking. make it about you. and if you cant...thats ok...as long as its not about him. youll make it. you have to...we all have to.

[KittenMoon]

my ex, like yours, started hanging out with someone of the opposite sex while we were on our break (not broken up, just a break). they got closer and closer. they are together now. they moved in together soon after we offically broke up.

 

Well, my ex's friend is back with her bf AGAIN. So at least there's that. ANd even if he did get with her, I would consider it a sufficient punishment.

 

But really, I know I'm trying to move on. I really am. I don't want to know, but at the same time I want to get it over with. I know he's not going to find the grass any greener, I wish he knew this.

 

Wow. Something just occured to me. I think part of my fear is that he's going to end up with a girl like his friend, who is manipulative and shallow. And psycho! It's not my business, but I hope he seeks out a nice girl, someone who will treat him good, not just use him for being a nice guy. I feel like I could deal with seeing him with a girl I approved of. (I know I've been mental, but I sorta also know I was falling out of love with him for a long time, and if he hadn't ended it, I would have eventually... of course there is no easier way to fall back in love with someone than to get dumped)

 

Dammit, it this all about me trying to protect him? He really is naive, and doesn't realize that not all that glitters is gold. God, I am messed up sometimes. I swear you'd think I lost a child, not a bf.

[norajane]

Well, my ex's friend is back with her bf AGAIN. So at least there's that. ANd even if he did get with her, I would consider it a sufficient punishment.

 

But really, I know I'm trying to move on. I really am. I don't want to know, but at the same time I want to get it over with. I know he's not going to find the grass any greener, I wish he knew this.

 

Wow. Something just occured to me. I think part of my fear is that he's going to end up with a girl like his friend, who is manipulative and shallow. And psycho! It's not my business, but I hope he seeks out a nice girl, someone who will treat him good, not just use him for being a nice guy. I feel like I could deal with seeing him with a girl I approved of. (I know I've been mental, but I sorta also know I was falling out of love with him for a long time, and if he hadn't ended it, I would have eventually... of course there is no easier way to fall back in love with someone than to get dumped)

 

Dammit, it this all about me trying to protect him? He really is naive, and doesn't realize that not all that glitters is gold. God, I am messed up sometimes. I swear you'd think I lost a child, not a bf.

 

As gently as possible...

 

No, I don't think this is about you wanting to protect him. It's about this:

I know he's not going to find the grass any greener, I wish he knew this.

 

...of course there is no easier way to fall back in love with someone than to get dumped

 

There's a part of you that's hoping if he starts seeing someone and discovers the grass in not greener, or if he gets dumped, that he would then somehow fall back in love with you and want to be with you, that he would see how wrong he is for leaving you.

 

I understand hanging on to the hope, and the pain that drives this hope. It's ok to use denial as a coping mechanism for a while, as long as you recognize that's what you're doing (instead of thinking you want to protect him from some skank). He doesn't need your protection - save it for your own heart.

[KittenMoon]

There's a part of you that's hoping if he starts seeing someone and discovers the grass in not greener, or if he gets dumped, that he would then somehow fall back in love with you and want to be with you, that he would see how wrong he is for leaving you.

 

Actually, at this point I won't give a crap (well I will, but...) because he will have crossed the point of no return. Regardless of whether it makes him see what he's lost. I made my line in the sand very clear. So of course I am dreading the fact that this is going to happen.

 

This is a trap I can't get out of. If he misses me and returns, someday he'll resent me for not taking his chance to "live" when he could have. If he dtaes around, realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life, well, at that point it won't matter. I already know I can't win this situation, no matter how much my brain tries to deny it.

 

It would be nice to be able to see him a few years down the line though with a girl who DOESN"T turn my stomach...