What the hell is up with me!! a man thing?

[mullins]

Breif story below i sent to a friend. What i dont understand is why i treat myself and women like this, were either of them not right for me but im too weak to say i dont think you are my type.

I dont know why im hurting like this and 'stalking' carol by text messaging. I have a physical internal pain over this, surely i dont love her or i would never have gone off with sarah, Carol worshipped every breath i took and i hurt her the way i did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met a girl a year ago and thought it was too good to be true, she was perfect in evry way, my kids loved her she was great around the house when she was here and in bed was amazing. She had to go on holiday for a week and me thinking better thought i would meet another woman just to see if carol was the one, well i met sarah, she was drop dead georgous. I thought i would see both at the same time then make a decision. Carol became suspiciuos and drove past the house one night and saw sarahs car outside, it broke her heart, she did everything and anything for me. I told her that i was in love with sarah even though she was not half the woman carol was, but i wanted to give it a try. This went on for 6 months and i still used to see carol just for sex (she knew the score) Things with me and sarah were not working out and i used to talk to carol about her and she told me to keep trying because i was in love with her. carol had everything i wanted in a woman but i didnt love her. Two weeks ago carol started chatting online to a new man, she told me about him and thought he may be the one, but she still spent the last 2 weekends win my bed even after going out with him in the evening (she has not slept with him yet, but slept with me on our 1st night) Well last weekend she told me she was going to try with him and couldnt see me anymore but wanted to still be friends, ever since then i have realised that sarah may be stunning to look at, but carol is the one im hurting for. I have told her this and she says i should have told her 2 weeks ago, now i have lost her, although she says she is not in love with him...yet so i dont understand why she wont come back. I am hurting like i hurt her for 6 months.

[In Sync]

OMG!!...I'm going to be a tad bit blunt but here it goes...

I hope to God that Carol stays away from you. Because you used her like a dirty dish rag. (And I don't buy that "she knew the score") Here you had a woman who was perfect. Ok. Then you felt you wanted to test the waters. That's undertstandable. Where I find your actions appalling is in sleeping with Carol all the while with the new woman. Where's your integrity? You were fully aware that Carol loved you (and I suspect she continued the booty call hook-ups as a way to accept and keep you in her life, because she was willing to take what she could get and in hopes you'll come around afterall she was in love with you and bonded to you and your kids....but that's just a guess, since I don't know her side of this) Then by some grace of the infinite universe she meets someone..and now she doesn't need the hook-ups with you and the other woman this relationship is fading. (Wow, what does that say about you sleeping with your ex gf while seeing the new woman?) You show a ton of respect for these women.

Are you in a form of denial that you are your own worst enemy? Shallow beyond belief...ask yourself would you want to see your kids doing as you have done. Do you daughters, how would you feel if they were in the position of either Carol or Sarah? Do you have a son...are your actions something you want your son to follow in his futture relationships...

You'll probably find alot of LS sympathizers here but I say do some serious self reflections on who you are! Takes a lot more to being a man than just screwing a woman.

[mullins]

That is the reply i wanted, i have two daughters and would never let anyone put them through what i did to my women. I hate myself for it, for what i have done and the pain i cause.

 

Did i ever love either? am i that insecure that i cant bare to be alone? why do i not think about others feelings? In anything but a relationship i am a gentleman, i give up my seet for an elderly person, i hold doors open, am polite and curteous, yet when it comes to love im a pig!

 

i know im my own worst enemy, how do i fix it?

[In Sync]

That is the reply i wanted, i have two daughters and would never let anyone put them through what i did to my women. I hate myself for it, for what i have done and the pain i cause.

 

Did i ever love either? am i that insecure that i cant bare to be alone? why do i not think about others feelings? In anything but a relationship i am a gentleman, i give up my seet for an elderly person, i hold doors open, am polite and curteous, yet when it comes to love im a pig!

 

i know im my own worst enemy, how do i fix it?

 

 

Calling yourself a pig (insert violins) is a self-pity tactic, so quit. It only gives you another cover to hide behind as you continue the same behavior again and again. Sort of an excuse that enables you to stop digging at why you do the things you do. As for holding doors and giving up seats, that's etiquette on the surface facade..but that's not internal. Your issues ergo your actions are deep. A bit passive aggressive. I'm a gentleman but I'll rub the face of someone who genuinely cared for me into my other sexual relationship knowing I'll use sex to humiliate both women. Usually when you are angry you don't do things directly but indirectly.

Brother what you did shows some deep anger going on there.

[Outcast]

It's not a 'man' thing. It's a 'man who is a schmuck' thing. You knew better. So do better. It's as simple as that. Try to remember that even women have feelings.

[mullins]

Angry? what do i have to be angry about? I dont hate either of the women or any women, but its like i go on some ego trip when in a relationship and think i can do as i please and that they will always be there. I really do not like this destructive side of me, not only because of the pain i cause, but i suffer too with pain from my own actions. I have not eaten for 2 days and just wish i could right my wrongs.

[In Sync]

Angry? what do i have to be angry about? I dont hate either of the women or any women, but its like i go on some ego trip when in a relationship and think i can do as i please and that they will always be there. I really do not like this destructive side of me, not only because of the pain i cause, but i suffer too with pain from my own actions. I have not eaten for 2 days and just wish i could right my wrongs.

 

I am not just talking about text book simple anger. Look people will either act out of harmony or disharmony with ourselves. If you were at peace with yourself would you behave in what seems to yourself as "destructive" behavior? You might not be angry at them, but something is going on inside of you that it was convenient to cause disharmony in both women's lives. You could not remain contented with Carol though in your words you say she was perfect, but to "bring her down" you need to go to another woman put her on a pedastal and exploited her sexually was a good road to accomplish that.

When you say you go on a "ego trip" is that a person in harmony, who only thinks about their needs. A healthy ego, we all need...but a that requires a delicate balance. Once it's off balance you see it in behavior, lack of esteem or arrogance. The road fo righting your wrongs is pretty easy but tough to do. Face who and what you are. Don't blame anybody, but neither say "I'm a pig." You can start anytime to develope a sensse of right and wrong. Again I don't say that change of heart in loving someone and then stopping is a crime. But when you continued to sleep with both women knowing one was still in love with you..it was your choice not to do the right thing. Yesss, she was an adult and "new the score". I don't dispute that, but I am saying each of us makes a choice. YOU are responsible for your choices so if you feel destructive why make choices that leave you feeling so?

[mullins]

I am not just talking about text book simple anger. Look people will either act out of harmony or disharmony with ourselves. If you were at peace with yourself would you behave in what seems to yourself as "destructive" behavior? You might not be angry at them, but something is going on inside of you that it was convenient to cause disharmony in both women's lives. You could not remain contented with Carol though in your words you say she was perfect, but to "bring her down" you need to go to another woman put her on a pedastal and exploited her sexually was a good road to accomplish that.

When you say you go on a "ego trip" is that a person in harmony, who only thinks about their needs. A healthy ego, we all need...but a that requires a delicate balance. Once it's off balance you see it in behavior, lack of esteem or arrogance. The road fo righting your wrongs is pretty easy but tough to do. Face who and what you are. Don't blame anybody, but neither say "I'm a pig." You can start anytime to develope a sensse of right and wrong. Again I don't say that change of heart in loving someone and then stopping is a crime. But when you continued to sleep with both women knowing one was still in love with you..it was your choice not to do the right thing. Yesss, she was an adult and "new the score". I don't dispute that, but I am saying each of us makes a choice. YOU are responsible for your choices so if you feel destructive why make choices that leave you feeling so?

 

I didnt intentionally go out of my way to bring any of them down or hurt them, i liked to think i were a good person. sexually using her or otherwise was not a planned 'attack'

 

you say i knowingly slept with both, which i did, but the thought of my actions hurting either never crossed my mind, that IS the part of me i dont understand, its the part i mentioned about going on some ego trip, i dont know what it is, but i seem to lose all 'sence' of a relationship im in.

 

I would love toy be at peace with myself if only i knew what to do, i know im a good man and could make some girl SO happy.

[Tim'sAngel]

I didnt intentionally go out of my way to bring any of them down or hurt them, i liked to think i were a good person. sexually using her or otherwise was not a planned 'attack'

 

you say i knowingly slept with both, which i did, but the thought of my actions hurting either never crossed my mind, that IS the part of me i dont understand, its the part i mentioned about going on some ego trip, i dont know what it is, but i seem to lose all 'sence' of a relationship im in.

 

I would love toy be at peace with myself if only i knew what to do, i know im a good man and could make some girl SO happy.

 

I think that is the scary part. How can you not know that sleeping with 2 different women wil not hurt one or both of them? You are gettin so caught up in the moment that you can't even taken someone's feelings into consideration. It is a very selfish thing. Maybe you havn't been played. If you do get played, you know how bad that hurts and would never want to hurt someone in that way. Did you ever stop to think that Carol would lay in bed next to you and think "Damn, I sure am glad I'm not in serious relationship with this man like Sara because I know I can't trust him". You gave yourself away to her so why would she ever want to put herself in that position to be hurt and played? If she does ever go back to you, she is either ignorant or in serious denial.

 

I think you need to do some reevaluation of yourself. Maybe even therapy. It's one thing to know that you are hurting someone, it's another to not know. Unless you do know and your "ignorance" is just a facade.

[mullins]

I have never been played, and what is ironic is that it would destroy me! this is the problem here as i have mentioned. When im in a rerlationship i dont seem to think of anyone else but myself, that saddens me.

 

Sure i can hold them in my arms, wake up holding them in the morning and have a big smile on my face as im so happy and content, then i go do the things i do, i just wish i knew how to stand back and look at the relationship im in and to stop the destructive side, maybe its because i didnt want either women?

[In Sync]

I didnt intentionally go out of my way to bring any of them down or hurt them, i liked to think i were a good person. sexually using her or otherwise was not a planned 'attack'

 

you say i knowingly slept with both, which i did, but the thought of my actions hurting either never crossed my mind, that IS the part of me i dont understand, its the part i mentioned about going on some ego trip, i dont know what it is, but i seem to lose all 'sence' of a relationship im in.

 

I would love toy be at peace with myself if only i knew what to do, i know im a good man and could make some girl SO happy.

 

You seem to keep repeating yourself and emphasizing that you're a good man and a gentleman. But you're disassociating yourself from the effects on others namely those two women and your actions. You honestly are going to write here that your choice to sleep with two women and not discreetly, by the way, never occured to you that this was to say the least

insensitive if not downright hurtful. And if it is true, then you have somehow learned to numb yourself to the pain you cause on others on these women. You cannot fix this part of you without seeing something lies underneathe that may not be pretty to look at.

P.S. I don't think I ever used the term planned 'attack' in my prior post. I used the word "choice."

[mullins]

You seem to keep repeating yourself and emphasizing that you're a good man and a gentleman. But you're disassociating yourself from the effects on others namely those two women and your actions. You honestly are going to write here that your choice to sleep with two women and not discreetly, by the way, never occured to you that this was to say the least

insensitive if not downright hurtful. And if it is true, then you have somehow learned to numb yourself to the pain you cause on others on these women. You cannot fix this part of you without seeing something lies underneathe that may not be pretty to look at.

P.S. I don't think I ever used the term planned 'attack' in my prior post. I used the word "choice."

 

Please dont get me wrong, the word 'attack' was not meant as a quote, its just im having a real hard time here trying to think about how i feel and then put it into words.

 

You say i have learned to numb myself to the pain, but that is the point of this post, the pain i cause others causes me as much, i hurt so bad now that i have lost a girl i loved, or did i? all i know is im confused, hurting and crying like hell and wish it would end.

[In Sync]

Please dont get me wrong, the word 'attack' was not meant as a quote, its just im having a real hard time here trying to think about how i feel and then put it into words.

 

You say i have learned to numb myself to the pain, but that is the point of this post, the pain i cause others causes me as much, i hurt so bad now that i have lost a girl i loved, or did i? all i know is im confused, hurting and crying like hell and wish it would end.

 

Follow me closely on this one...I'm speaking about nuances. Yes you feel pain, but you feel pain now because you have lost someone out of all this fancy footwork, yout pain is a result of something is gone from the equation. I'm saying you have numbed yourself, your lack of empathy was no where in sight during your juggling. When you continued to sleep with Carol and she was aware, did the thought during the time you were with her ever occur to you, she's hurting. I'm still sleeping with her and Sarah and she knows it. Is this hurtful to her? Does her knowing about the other woman breaks her heart? Now you are looking back and now you know it caused hurt, I'm saying you numbed yourself when you were in it. Because quite frankly if you were fully conscious of what you were doing and still went ahead and did it, then its says you just didn't give a damn. Your needs came first, and you could care less that this perfect woman after sleeping with you still continued to be with you after you blatantly disrespected her. Whew!

So I repeat you ight need to do self reflection about what motivated you to make that choice.

[In Sync]

Please dont get me wrong, the word 'attack' was not meant as a quote, its just im having a real hard time here trying to think about how i feel and then put it into words.

 

You say i have learned to numb myself to the pain, but that is the point of this post, the pain i cause others causes me as much, i hurt so bad now that i have lost a girl i loved, or did i? all i know is im confused, hurting and crying like hell and wish it would end.

 

double posted sorry.

[garnet]

Mullins,

 

I've been following your thread, and it's very interesting to me as I have been in the same position as these women, with a guy who I now feel is unworthy of my time.

 

I guess the question I would ask you to consider is do you really feel like you lost someone you loved, or is it a case of simply wanting what you don't have? In other words, it comes down to an ego thing. It may not be a case of Carol, but of you feeling like you're no longer in control because she's not at your beck and call anymore. If she came back, would you still want her as much? Just something to consider.

[destination_unknown]

I agree with alot of what In Synch says here. At least you are beginning to question yourself, and reconsider that you might have been very wrong in this situation. Thats the first part of becoming a better person.

 

LEARN as much as you can from this. You will think alot more carefully before hurting another person.

 

Cracks have appeared in the part of you that tells yourself your a gentleman and repressed the fact that you knew you were doing wrong. I believe that people are essentially good but get all muddled and blinded, and I am sure theres alot of that goodness in you. Follow it.

[mullins]

Mullins,

 

I've been following your thread, and it's very interesting to me as I have been in the same position as these women, with a guy who I now feel is unworthy of my time.

 

I guess the question I would ask you to consider is do you really feel like you lost someone you loved, or is it a case of simply wanting what you don't have? In other words, it comes down to an ego thing. It may not be a case of Carol, but of you feeling like you're no longer in control because she's not at your beck and call anymore. If she came back, would you still want her as much? Just something to consider.

 

 

If i were perfectly honest i believe it is more of a feeling of not being able to have her. I have never experienced a feeling of jealousy like this, my wife of 14 years left and that in a way seemed easier to get over (she didnt leave for another man, so no jealousy)

[Guest]

If i were perfectly honest i believe it is more of a feeling of not being able to have her. I have never experienced a feeling of jealousy like this, my wife of 14 years left and that in a way seemed easier to get over (she didnt leave for another man, so no jealousy)

 

That's exactly what it is. You still don't care about what you did to either women and you never will. You've lost the control you once had and now it's gone, your inflated ego can't bear it.

 

She prefers another man now (surprised????). Yes, that hurts. Diddums.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm being cruel to be kind here.

 

If you don't change, you'll end up a sad old lonely man.

[mullins]

So i have been told, i have always been mixed up, but not destructive.

The pain has actually subsided today and i find myself thinking more about Sarah, trying to understand what i feel or felt for her.

 

She is the only woman i have ever been with that i involuntarily told her i love her, and on more than one occasion. If that is the case why could i not leave carol alone? do i love Sarah?

 

I actually beleive and FEEL that i want to be with her and look after her. I only became frustrated with her because of her lack of commitment, but that was because she was dealing with her own demons.

 

I can see im heading for a real ear bashing here, but how can i stop hurting others if i dont say what i feel, or at least what i think i feel.

 

PS I started eating again today, it has been 3 days

[honeybunch2k5]

Do you really want Carol, or are you being possessive and you don't want her to be with anyone else?

 

You messed up big time when you went out and got another women. Carol messed up when she continued to sleep with you. I"m sorry, but I wouldn't want to be with a guy who was so thoughtless as to screw another women. I would assume that the guy no longer wanted me. Make sure you are thinking with the right head.

[garnet]

In my opinion you need to leave both of these women alone right now. You are not ready to be with either of them, or any other woman for that matter. I think whoever you try to be with right now you will end up ultimately hurting because you don't know what you want and there are some issues within yourself that need to be resolved.

 

Being alone and spending time with friends or family is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Take care of yourself and get to the bottom of these issues, and in time the right answers will reveal themselves.

[mullins]

Im really confused and still hurting here.

 

Carol used to tell me over and over that i should ignore her when she wanted to see me, she said that if Sarah called i would run to her...and i did.

 

We have just had a bank holiday and i did long to see Sarah, to look in her eyes and feel her touch. The pain of jealousy i had for Carol didnt last too long, but now i have the same feeling thinking of sarah!

 

Everytime i used to see her it she was like a breath of fresh air, her skin glowed and her eyes sparkled (im not just saying this, i used to tell it to her too)

But i always had doubts, if she didnt get her own ie; sleep with her when she wanted (i prefer it to be more natural and just happen...) she would storm out of the house asking how i can make her wait a few days till we meet again, she also used to tell me that if i didnt sleep with her then she would be forced to drive up to London to visit her FB (f*ck buddy)

 

She never did as far as i know, but i felt i could not trust her (exclude how she felt about me here) this is why i could not give her all my love and attention, i so wanted to but she hid so much from me.

 

This weekend she has been 'visiting family' to chill and get away from the hurt and pain, i dont even know where her family live, but have never heard London mentioned, so have been sat here thinking some other guy has been all over her. (i know about what is good for the goose, dose not make it any easier) ie; her FB.

 

She has not really contacted me, only to say that she is chilling and will text me later in the week, no reply to text or my email. All i know is i want to hold her, look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her....and i really think i do. I know she also has problems and issues, but i want to be the man i know i could be and protect the pair of us, i dont want her to hurt anymore.

[Outcast]

OK. Stay away from both these women and spend a year alone getting your head straight. You are one seriously confused dude.

[Guest]

Gosh, you are *so* wrapped up in yourself. I don't understand why you post, you don't take anyone's advice on board anyway.

That's the exact attitude that got you in your mess in the first place.

 

You're *still* like a yo-yo: Carol - Sarah - Carol - Sarah, it's just endless isn't it.

 

Leave them be.

 

You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. On your own. Take responsibility for your actions and be a man for a change. In other words, grow up and stop this meaningless whinging.

 

Let me guess - wasted on deaf ears huh?

 

All i know is i want to hold her, look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her....and i really think i do. I know she also has problems and issues, but i want to be the man i know i could be and protect the pair of us, i dont want her to hurt anymore.

 

You must be joking. Go see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Discuss why anyone should take you seriously when you don't have the courtesy to do so yourself in regard to others.

[mullins]

Well she finally contacted me by text to tell me our relationship is over, she said she will call me in an hours time, and gave me the usual rubbish about being friends and helping each other out.

 

So i have finally driven her away, i have had enough of all this pain

 

I dont know why she wants to call me, maybe to explain why, but we both know that, i guess i will find out in an hour