The pain never dies down

[totallyconfused]

I'd never thought I'd be back here again.

 

Last August, my ex and I split up b/c he cheated on me - in a bad, horrific way of me finding out. Though not sexual, he wanted to end things with me to be with some 18 year old girl. 2 weeks later he begged for forgiveness. cry cry cry end of story.

 

I really prayed to God about getting rid of the anger out of my heart, and somehow it happened. It was the worst kind of pain I ever dealt with. We had been together for 4 years. I found out he was cheating on me on our 4 year anniv so technically its not 4 years).

 

10 months later, I dated an emotional/controlling guy for 8 months afterwards - I thought I was over my ex. It was obvious I wasn't. I broke up with that psycho and just found out (from my ex) that he was finally sleeping with his new girlfriend. He went down on her and she went down on him. It was her first time for basically everything except the sex part.

 

I wish I never asked him, but I wanted to know. I couldn't help myself. And now I am just dying inside. 3 and 3/4 years I was with this man and now its just gone. I am being completely hypocritical as I was with another man for 8 months and told my ex about it b/c he asked.

 

My ex is always telling me how our relationship was better and he always hints that he would take me back in an instant. But I know better. Oh I'm just complaining on here b/c my jealousy and my selfish actions hurt. Guys and sex in general just really tears a woman's heart and really takes a piece out of me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I broke up with that controlling, emotionally abusive ex, and dont want to go back to the "the love of my life" ex. I want to stop depending on a man for happiness. But right now, i am just seething with pain, jealousy, and loneliness. When will it get better. Is there an answer to anything...

[mullins]

You sound very similar to me, i had a girl but chose another and slept with both I treated them both like crap and when one left me i didnt care, but now i find she is happy and sleeping with this guy its tearing me up.

I dont know if it was love, jealousy or rejection, i know im not very good at either. All i have learnt from here is that NC works, it helped me get over my x and i thought i would never go through that pain again....yet here i am...

[Brittanyjean06]

I don't know whats better , having Nc and wondering what they could be doing and possibly putting wrong thoughts in your head

 

Or talking to them every now and than and knowing that your both doing fine.

 

The problem with nc is not really knowing, and that hurts

 

But Nc works for most, because your are convinced to move on!

 

I know you think the pain never down, but it all consists of time and patience, pain can last for a very very long time..I believe that things don't get good until they get really bad, than surprisingly you wake up one day and feel happy.

 

I guess your still have lingering pain from your past ex, and that is normal..everyones you get through it, and a year is not a long time..or not enough time to get over someone, well for me and most people it isn't

 

just hang in there and try to cope with your jealousy, I am feeling that way now to , we all go through that, and sometimes we put the other person ona pedistool when were jealous, because we want what we can't have..when your over him..you will look back and thank god it happend and that you wish you would have known the out come. But we don't . but there is always hope that we can get over them

[Solachica]

Leave them both and try moving on.

They are History...why go back there.

[Chump64]

If it's any comfort, I know exactly how you feel. I am in the beginning stages of trying to forgive my husband of 18 years, of having a 10-year affair. Every time they were together sexually (which was 2-3 times a week the first 5 years, and 2-3 times a month the last 5 years), he went down on her. It was the only way she could achieve orgasm. They had more sex than we did for the past 10 years. They even had a pregnancy scare.

 

It's so much to process, so much to forgive. I'm not sure where we'll end up. To be honest, about 60 percent of the reason I'm trying to work it out is b/c we have three kids. I really don't want to make this a life-defining event for them.

 

I am reading a book called "How can I forgive you." I recommend it. It has helped me see some benefits of forgiveness, and the downside to hanging on to stuff. Think about it this way: You could kick him to the curb, but will that really heal your pain? Or will it only make you more sad and bitter?

 

Your situation may depend a lot on what he is doing to make things right. If he is remorseful and attentive, and trying his best to make you feel loved, consider trying to work through this. If he is being half assed about fixing things, and is not trying to figure out how and why he screwed up / how he can fix it, don't waste your time.

[Pantero]

You want to know, yet you don't want to know. There's no easy way about it. Ego gets in the way, hearts are broken, emotional pain turns to physical hurt in some cases.

 

It's the way of the world. Hopeless as it is, it's all worth it in the end when you find someone. Though, I'm really losing my faith in all of it after reading about people cheating after being together for so long etc etc.

 

It's all a great big f-ck up.

[gypsygal44]

Pain is pain no matter how long you are with someone. I was married for over 20 yrs. when my ExH left me for a married woman with 2 children. She has not left her H so I can only guess that my ExH doesn't want the responsibilities of marriage and family.

 

As for forgiveness, no I don't forgive and never will. He tore our family apart for selfish reasons, never even gave us a second chance. Talked over all our problems with OW. Real smart, she is going to naturally tell him what he wants to here. She don't want to lose him.

 

The best revenge is for me to let her have him. He was no great prize. I am trying to become happy. It does take time and a lot of patience with yourself. You will backslide a lot. NC does help. Asking questions won't. It is like when you have a tooth out and you can't leave the hole alone. You are only tormenting yourself. They are together and you need to accept this and realize it was all his doing.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. But if you feel there are some areas in your life that could be changed for yourself (only yourself) then do it. You will start to feel happier and happy people attract other happy people. I try to make people laugh so I can laugh.

 

Good Luck and come back here when you need us. We are always here.

 

Gypsy

[oss91]

I don't know whats better , having Nc and wondering what they could be doing and possibly putting wrong thoughts in your head

 

Or talking to them every now and than and knowing that your both doing fine.

 

it basically comes down to the saying, "knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss." me personally, i'd rather be knowledgeable and deal with the facts rather than not knowing what's really happening and just pretending everything is fine or everything is bad. but then again i realize not everyone views the world as i do. i

[totallyconfused]

so I guess there technically isnt much of an answer to this type of heartache. either you move on or do something about that particular relationship.

 

my "love of my life" ex and ended up hanging out for memorial weekend. we talked alot and he tried to kiss me, but i moved my head out of the way, and just hugged him.

 

i dont care how much he says he's not happy with their 2 month relationship or how he prefers our sex over theirs. the fact of the matter is, he is in another relationship with another girl. maybe it hasnt been that long, but i know one thing, i would hate to be in that girl's position. i didnt kiss him b/c i'm making it easy for them - they dont have to deal with cheating. HE DOESNT have to deal with cheating. i know what it feels like to be cheated on and i'm not going to make someone else feel that way either.

 

I also realized that if he's still semi-cheating with her (trying to kiss me), chances are he hasnt much changed and will probably cheat on me or the next girl.

 

Alot of times people do this I think - hear the cheating exes beat around the bush about getting back together. But the truth of it all is, they never finish their sentences...it just trails off and YOU end up finishing their sentence in your head or aloud to them. In actuality, it is my ex that doesn't really know what he wants, and I'm left thinking he wants me back. Though I'm sure he does b/c the guilt eats him inside, but homeboy just got major infidelity problems.

 

i have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten all the good things (yes i try not to remember the bad things).

 

i havent been single in 7 years...what do i do? where does my time go? My recent (psycho ex) still lingers in my mind...he is the best kind in bed... temptations that follow me around...

[norajane]

Your most recent ex boyfriend is an abuser.

Your other ex boyfriend is a cheater, and is now trying to cheat on his current girlfriend with you - the one he cheated on before.

 

If those two things aren't a big huge wake-up call for you, they should be. You haven't been on your own in 7 years - it's time for you to get your act together WITHOUT a man. You will gain some self-respect and start to believe in your own worth once you have gained your own strength without relying on someone else. You will not accept crappy behavior once you start feeling good about yourself and your own life.

 

Forgiveness is important because it allows you to let go of the pain of betrayal rather than carrying it around with you all the time. It doesn't mean you welcome back the person who betrayed you, though. And it absolutely does not mean you are to help him betray someone else's trust. Stay away from the cheater. He is clearly not going to bring you anything but more anxiety and pain - he is not to be trusted!

[Guest]

I have had a long and hurtful enduring r/s for many years. The pain in my heart has eased and lightened yet the pain resurfaces from time to time as if it were yesterday the day he told me to 'Get Out'! #3x's. Ouch!!!The last breakup was swift as I had finally realised that our issues were on going and the only way to recover mentally and spiritually,was to make the choice to go w/o the pleading or second guessing myself. It was definitely the hardest decision. I ran like the wind, daring not to look back. But! he made the necessary arrangements to get my life on track rather than completely cutting all ties. I will cover the highlights, folks...

 

Guilt, love or just one last chance to reconcile with time? It has remained open so to speak. This r/s has been thru the grind, for him as well as I. I did the sobbing [if civility came to my mind at the time] to return during my 'alone' singlehood twice [during my bout of "I can't do this!] but was neither told no but not yes either. It was tearful for us. He has remained living close and monetarily supportive. It was obvious to us this left alot of avenues we would have to endure if not finding 'others' more suitable, [ahem] difficult at best thruout it all. The past year has required strength and character to say the least. I gave much recital and practice before seeing him! Aaawwww... hurtful, at times even weird but very necessary for both to see where our priorities lie and to another [if this was the case]. To find ourselves in order to either reconcile or accept we had reached a brick wall and if not given time, killing another [figure of speech, ok? well sort of]or give ourselves the much needed chance to recover all that had broken down and us in two. Literally.

 

I am now a firm believer that if cheating, or infidelity if you will, or the ongoing blocks that will not resolve themselves certainly allow a OW/OM Affair or "just friends" r/s to entail. I can assume this forum allows us to shake our heads and say 'been there' ect. Time is an affirmation of where and what we must accept in order to see from this mandatory standpoint. Or else all will graduallly fall below or the belt!

 

I have never stopped loving my SO. But yes the issues that broke us apart I feel have sorted out due to the love/respect we had/have for one another. There were questionable affairs, actions and ugliness. I used to hear and see that work word and didn't quite understand. You work with your control and thought process. Atleast with me. Work it was/is. It has also enriched my beliefs in myself and confidence.

 

Not giving in to jealousy or falling back on the actual reason that chain reacted and claim a life of its own. But, I could not seem to get past this state I was in. Pain, hurt, resentment towards him. The only suggestion I may offer is be true to yourself. You can not deny this. Trust me. As time went on I HAD to push myself and quit finding 'reason' as to why or why not. Interaction with life, others, was crazed and difficult to say the least. Eventually I started to feel alive again but not so much that I went overboard. Finally, after a year or so, I no longer felt the jealousy rage that killed a major part of me and us. Matter of fact, I truthfully couldn't understand why after many many civil and meaningful r/s I had to become this insecure individual. Of course this was due to lack of communication and DENIAL. Yet, I know, now, you can't force it. Atleast I was honest with myself in this regard.

 

Thru persuing the initial counseling factors, whatever needed, I for the first time in my life, THANK GAWD! do not feel another woman would ever endanger my self esteem or his actions thereof. But you know what? I still find I can still feel the love without the hate and blame. I did not think thru all those years of resented feelings, activities, could resolve a constructive resolve while maintaining my value, life. But it is possible. With time... I am fortunate to have been given the support of others, and yes the man I feel in love with made it possible. I owe much to patience, tears, fears, and overall giving myself the only thing possible to change.

 

Chance.

 

I took it. There were feelings of regret, anger, compromise, no denying set backs. But with each one, I recognized my fault, and continued with effort. I promised myself until I found and trully felt this negative and worthless feeling would leave, I would not give up. And you know what it was?

 

Believing in me. I learned, lost and regained. Oh, and lets' not forget that thing called love. It is there in all shapes and sizes. It may be silent, it MAY be the cure. Momentarily or life long. We learn and grow with love, don't we? If you feel it, go with it, there is alot to said and given if we would just open y-our mind and hearts. What may 'appear' one way may turn out to be just the opposing thought. However it may come or go. We are if we are true, and we may not always have the perfect timing, or right, but if you give it a chance, you might just realize it was there alllllllll along.