Self-Indulgent Moping / Pity Party

[KittenMoon]

Ok, so I spent all last night crying, mostly due to the fact I just got my period, so in reality, I'll probably feel a lot better in a few days.

 

However, I am just overwhelmed by how much I miss my ex, and the life we had. Except I know it was really more the life than the ex, but that doesn't really help. And no matter how much self-improvement I've achieved over the last few months, it doesn't change the fact that he's gone and I miss him, and that we no longer share a life. It doesn't change the fact that most of my friends are gone or leaving town in the next few months, and he's got a new group of friends to hang with (he cares less for personal interaction than I do anyways). It doesn't change the fact that this entire town is saturated with over 6 years of memories with him, and he lives 2 min away from me, and I can't leave until next spring even if I wanted to.

 

NOTHING changes the pain, and nothing seems to make it any better either.

 

My mom is freaked out and I feel like I can't talk to her anymore, I'm tired of acting happy in front of my friends and avoiding the subject, and I have no interest in a therapist because I know that they can't tell me anything or do anything for me that I can't do for myself.

 

The happiest moments in my life were just doing stupid things with my ex, like going to the movies or making dinner or just lying in his bed watching him play video games. And now I'm NEVER going to have those moments again. And I have to deal with the fact that I simply lost any value that I had in his life; that I no longer enhanced his life, I just made it worse. Or maybe he just associated all of his problems onto me, but even if that's true, he had to be at least unhappy enough with me for an avenue for that to be open.

 

Sorry to rant- I'm running out of places to let my feelings out. And I'm overtired and crampy. But what's left in my life doesn't hold a candle to how I felt with my ex, even though I know he wasn't really that great. But he could be, and that drives me nuts. I know he could, but I also know that waiting for other people to meet their potential is a fool's errand. I just want to know why I wasn't worth it.

 

I'm probably in for a long period of real depression, no matter what I do, and that drives me nuts. And the fact that I will never have what I had with him again is even worse. Nothing changes this. Nothing helps with this pain. Nothing makes me feel any better about it. And I know how rarely even the opportunity for good things comes along in life, not matter how hard you try, so that makes it difficult too.

 

Please tell me this is another phase...

 

Ok, end of Pity Party, pt. 1

[Outcast]

Get to a doctor. It's possible you are depressed and need a chemical kick to knock you out of the hole you've fallen into. It's clear you've not been able to do it for yourself so now's the time to seek help.

[patwheel]

Poor Kitty

 

I am sorry you ar egoing through this phase. And yes, it is a phase. You will eventually grow out of it stronger than ever before, and hopefully it will be the final chapter of your rehab.

 

As far as happiness goes, the weaning period is different for everyone. Most people out here equated ex with happiness, happy memories; which is partly true, they are part of what made us happy in the past. However, for some reason, our brain is unable to let go as fast as the world goes, and holds on to those memories of happiness, and setting aside the painful memories.

 

My only advice to you is stick with NC and stay busy. You dont have to talk to anyone, because most people who see a sad person will say or do anything to make you feel better; which is fine in the short term, but in the long term, you will have to make the change for yourself, and you are the only one who can do it. It sounds to me like you are still rational Not losing your mind, but sad, and its understandable. I also believe that you are strong enough, just like the rest of us to make the change for yourself.

 

Once that change is made, you will be able to equate ex with happy memories, without any feelings or emotions to this extent. I was in your situation too, and I cannot leave LA for another year, and I was going balistic last year when my break up happened; since I explored LA with her, I could not go anywhere without "seeing" her or my past with her. Now, I just dont care. Cynic? Nah. Im a healthy happy person

 

Remember to forgive, not forget!

[KittenMoon]

It sounds to me like you are still rational Not losing your mind, but sad, and its understandable. I also believe that you are strong enough, just like the rest of us to make the change for yourself.

 

I don't feel strong or rational today. I feel like I'd be perfectly happy if I got hit by a bus by the end of the day. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I can't talk to him, see him, hang out with him, and that he'll eventually start dating, and then marry, someone else.

 

I feel like every emotion inside me has been replaced by sadness. I don't feel really happy doing anything anymore. When I do stuff I enjoy, I simply feel muted and agitated knowing he's not there with me, and that I will not be seeing him later on. I try to think of goals and be positive, but I'm just faking it and covering up how I really feel.

 

I know I'm so over tired and hormonal. It's like day one again. I'm practically in tears sitting here, inches from hysteria.

 

I don't know what to do. Feeling pass. But then they just come back. I feel like I have no happy memories anymore. I hated my life before him, and now I hate my life with him, and even more I hate my life without him.

 

I'm seriously losing it.

[Guest]

Kittenmoon,

 

Why not get mad rather than sad and simply realize that if he doesn't regret not dating you that he is not worth it!!!!!!!!!!! C'mon now.....you lived many years prior to meeting him and you will live many more happy years without him. Don't define your happiness based on another person......wouldn't you rather share happiness with someone who thinks of you as you think of him?

[Numbheart]

I know a lot of how your feeling Kitten, been going through a lot of extreme up and downs myself recently.

 

Just let it all out girl

[KittenMoon]

It just keeps coming. I thought it was over after this weekend.

 

And I'm stuck on the eternal thought: No matter how much I do, how much I mourn, how hard I work on my life and myself, NOTHING is going to fix this. Even if he came back, which he won't I'm sure of this now, there would still be what has happened. And when I find the next guy, even if I love him as much or more, this pain will always have happened, and will exist in my mind.

[Numbheart]

And when I find the next guy, even if I love him as much or more, this pain will always have happened, and will exist in my mind.

 

Yes it will always have happened, however, it will no longer hurt you, that I guarantee

[shelters]

Then I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I can't talk to him, see him, hang out with him, and that he'll eventually start dating, and then marry, someone else.

 

 

Your ego is bruised. Along with your heart, it needs time to grieve...

[bendit]

I am sorry you are hurting. Since this is an open forum where many readers can learn, I guess I will be the one to say this to you. I hope you don't take it personally. You had Enormous contact last week. I mean HUGE. This, and the prior contact you've had with X is the source of much of your hurt.

 

Someone in your party actually asked your ex to stay the night? wth? Did I read that correctly? He may well have agreed to spend the night with you guys. Now what exactly was THAT all about? What were you thinking? You talked extensively with him about a lot of subjects. You immersed yourself right back in the raw emotions of that relationship for an entire day, not to mention the emotions of celebrating a friends successful coupling. ( Yes you HAD to do this I know ).

 

I realize you are not an advocate of NC but I think your painful story can be of help to other copers who may read your journals and consider what you put yourself through by remaining in contact with the X. Its not a surprise that you are hurting after such an eventful contact with the ex. There are consequences to doing things "your way". You will get through this in your own time. It will take much longer than it might, but you will get through eventually. I hope those following along will understand that pain of ending can be minimized by employing a much different strategy than your own. Best of luck.

 

regards

[shelters]

And when I find the next guy, even if I love him as much or more, this pain will always have happened, and will exist in my mind.

 

 

And someday you will be ever so grateful for the experience. Someday you will look back and if given the choice to do it all over again? In a heart beat.

 

...

 

I know it might feel like your heart is closing right now, but the way that you are feeling all these different emotions so beautifully & expressing them so you aren't keeping them bottled up... you are actually on your way to your heart (re)opening.

 

[GB111]

Hi Kitten,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're still feeling so down. I'm thinking of you...

 

Just a couple of thoughts for you.

 

You may want to reconsider seeing a counselor. I did, and while I, like you, know they aren't going to tell me anything I don't already know, it's another person whose ear I can bend without them running out of patience. It always makes me feel better to vent, but no matter how much somone loves you (Mom) even they can get tired of hearing about a situation they can't control.

 

Have you considered seeing a doctor for depression? You sound like you're past the grieving stage and have stopped seeing hope for the future. Believe me, there is a very bright future ahead of you. You're just knocked down too far to see it right now. I've been there. The doctor's exact words were "you're not thinking rationally". Gave me some medicine which I was very reluctant to take, but boy, did it get me over the hump. Didn't keep taking it once I got my engine started, but it made a big difference. Of course it's a normal and important part of being a human being to experience grief, but when it begins to control your life, you've experienced enough!

 

Anyway, Kitten, I hope you start to feel better soon. I've kept track of your posts and can absolutely relate to where you are. You'll be in my prayers tonight! :-)

 

Best,

 

GB

[shelters]

You had Enormous contact last week. I mean HUGE. This, and the prior contact you've had with X is the source of much of your hurt.

 

 

Right on the money. I know everyone's circumstances are different. My situation is such that NC can be implemented very easily (we have no common friends, don't go to the same hang-outs, etc). I don't need to nor want to be in touch with him at this point. If I were, it absolutely would cause setbacks and confusion.

 

I know in your situation NC was virtually impossible, but now that the wedding has been and gone NC really is a good choice. Yes, NC means that you chose to move on with your life without him. Search inward and see if there is any part of you that would rather have the pain you are in now than have nothing of him (b/c the pain still connects you to him).

 

Only you know the answers but Bendit made a good point about why you are feeling so much pain right now and hopefully the understanding 'why' will make it a little bit easier to bear.

[KittenMoon]

Someone in your party actually asked your ex to stay the night? wth? Did I read that correctly? He may well have agreed to spend the night with you guys. Now what exactly was THAT all about? What were you thinking?

regards

 

Whoa! I had nothing to do with that! I didn't even hear about it until afterwards, with his little comment about crying. Otherwise, I mostly kept my distance, not too hard since I was taking a lot of pictures and there were a lot of old friends to talk to. In fact, the more I see of him, the more immature he seems to me, which isn't exactly an attractive quality, which is why I've been a less than stringent advocate of NC.

 

But I'm still mourning the loss of what our life COULD have been, as well as all the years we were happy. I'm mourning the fact that I kept waiting for him to grow up, and he just never did. I'm mourning the fact that he just doesn't see WHY he hurt me, only that he did. My ego hurts, mainly because I don't know why I wasn't good enough to work for, especially since I know EXACTLY the kind of girls he'll pursue now, who I will affectionately term "The Users and Destroyers of Stupid Naive Nice Guys".

 

And I'm mourning the fact that even if he does come back, it'll be because he didn't find anything better, not because I'm the best.

 

Most of the time, I don't even want him back, and I feel guilty. There's just too much overwhelming my system right now. I'll probably feel fine in a couple of days when the hormones subside, but right now I want to die.

[KittenMoon]

I know in your situation NC was virtually impossible, but now that the wedding has been and gone NC really is a good choice.

 

I decided a while ago to go NC after the wedding. I'm not thinking about contacting him at all. I wish I could go NC with my life prior to this moment.

[KittenMoon]

 

Have you considered seeing a doctor for depression? You sound like you're past the grieving stage and have stopped seeing hope for the future. Believe me, there is a very bright future ahead of you. You're just knocked down too far to see it right now. I've been there. The doctor's exact words were "you're not thinking rationally". Gave me some medicine which I was very reluctant to take, but boy, did it get me over the hump.

 

The ex was always trying to get me to take meds for depression, which is probably the biggest reason I'm against taking them. If I do, in my mind, he's won that battle.

[Whitt]

I can't tell you the many times I've felt just this way. Keep expressing - it will help. You will feel better soon, I promise. It took me years to get over my ex-fiance and now when I see him - I see him as kinda ridiculous. I know what I use to see in him, but now he's even lost those wonderful characteristics and hasn't gained any good ones that I can see. You will meet someone new when you are ready and then those memories with your ex will feel less happy becasue the new ones will be more fresh and perhaps even happier. Trust me, I've been there. Years of therapy - and I've been going - couldn't teach me that. You just learn through experience. I'm begining to realize that maybe I never really missed an ex - I actually missed having someone to hang out with all the time & being able to do things that I learned to do with them. I've realized that just becasue they introduced me to something doesn't mean that I have to give it up because I don't do it with them anymore. I found new friends that share the same interests and continue to do the new things I enjoy.

[Whitt]

This sounds strong! You are doing well!

[shelters]

The ex was always trying to get me to take meds for depression

 

 

I would highly recommend that you keep an open mind and just go talk to someone. You have hinted in other posts about issues not relating to your ex. Don't get so sidetracked or attached to your current grief that you use it as a distractionary tool from facing personal issues you have (separate from him).

 

 

which is probably the biggest reason I'm against taking them. If I do, in my mind, he's won that battle.

 

Your ex is no longer in your life. If you are serious about implementing NC, then that means NC with mind control tactics like that too.

[KittenMoon]

I would highly recommend that you keep an open mind and just go talk to someone. You have hinted in other posts about issues not relating to your ex. Don't get so sidetracked or attached to your current grief that you use it as a distractionary tool from facing personal issues you have (separate from him).

 

The only other issues I really meant were that I didn't know where my lie was going- I never feel like I have any goals that, if actually achieved, would make me happy. I feel like a freak because I have never been able to imagine a scenario in life where I am actually happy with things. People ask me: What would make you happy? They always mean, what job, what goal, what family, what spouse, etc. When I hear that question, I immediately think "Nothing". Nothing is my first reaction. I don't know what that means.

 

I don't think any counselor can tell me either.

 

As to the meds, in addition, I know a lot of people on anti-ds. The only ones I know who keep taking them for years are those who are violent or suicidal when off of them (oh, this in includes the ex's cvnt friend, who is a thinly medicated line from psychotic). Otherwise, everyone else I've known on them are constantly trying to get off them because they say that they just make you feel worse. So, it's really not just about the ex.

[KittenMoon]

Oh, and just to emphasize this more. This is very hormonal. Very. I am almost positive I'll feel fine (or as close to as possible) in a few days. I sobbed all night on the phone, then hung up with my mom. Went to the bathroom, realized I was getting my period, then actually called her back to tell her, becase she knows how emotional I get so I wanted to make her feel better so she could sleep.

 

Still....

[shelters]

The only other issues I really meant were that I didn't know where my lie was going- I never feel like I have any goals that, if actually achieved, would make me happy. I feel like a freak because I have never been able to imagine a scenario in life where I am actually happy with things. People ask me: What would make you happy? They always mean, what job, what goal, what family, what spouse, etc. When I hear that question, I immediately think "Nothing". Nothing is my first reaction. I don't know what that means.

 

I don't think any counselor can tell me either.

 

As to the meds, in addition, I know a lot of people on anti-ds. The only ones I know who keep taking them for years are those who are violent or suicidal when off of them (oh, this in includes the ex's cvnt friend, who is a thinly medicated line from psychotic). Otherwise, everyone else I've known on them are constantly trying to get off them because they say that they just make you feel worse. So, it's really not just about the ex.

 

 

Yep, all very good points and still something (both issues) that would be *much* easier on yourself if you didn't try to tackle them alone. Seek help out in whatever form you are most comfortable with. Try a life coach (really same thing as a therapist but without the schooling and 'therapist' title that so many people hate) but a good friend of mine used one and she is now successfully starting her own business. For years she was miserable with her job but was stuck not knowing what it was she really wanted to do with her life.

 

As for meds, everyone has a different story. My cousin is on meds and she would really prefer not to be b/c it screws up her sex drive, but she doesn't feel the mild depression she experienced prior to being on them. So it is always a coin toss.

 

I don't know what your life situation is in terms of work or schooling, how much vacation time you get, etc... but you could also check out Outward Bound. It is something I haven't done but want to do and I know *several* people who have done it (who were all sort of 'stuck' in their lives at the time) and ALL said the experience changed them forever.

 

 

And yeah, periods suck.

[patwheel]

Im still holding my point that you are strong, and you can make it.

 

Periods of blow out need to be there in order for us to heal. Hell, I did everything stupid in the book, including breaking my big bertha driver . But that's normal.

 

I have been seeing a shrink, who immediatly diagnosed me with severe depression, and put me on meds. Didn't work. Stopped that and went to see a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy. At first, I was like you. Within a year, I had been diagnosed and operated of the thyroid, dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years, and saw my "friends" leave one by one. I was unresponsive to the therapy, but kept going, kept doing what I believe was best for me. Ultimately, it does sink in you and that happens when you want a change.

 

Only you and you alone can make this change for yourself. Who cares about what your ex think? Or even for your family? This is about you and you alone, better yourself, and not ever repeat this episode again.

 

Stay strong and focused on bettering yourself, and eventually it'll come. Until then, we are always here to help out

[KittenMoon]

More thoughts.

 

He's never going to miss me because he's already replaced me with people in his life that will do the same things with him, enjoy the same things, etc. All without the work of a relationship. He gets all the elements of me without having to deal with a "real person" (because friends never really treat friends like lovers do).

 

I have nothing to offer him except frustration. In his life, there is no longer anything special about me.

 

I, on the other hand, have not been able to fill any of the holes he left in me with anyone else. I have more needs than he does, so it's harder for me.

 

I hate this.

[Numbheart]

More thoughts.

 

He's never going to miss me because he's already replaced me with people in his life that will do the same things with him, enjoy the same things, etc. All without the work of a relationship. He gets all the elements of me without having to deal with a "real person" (because friends never really treat friends like lovers do).

 

I have nothing to offer him except frustration. In his life, there is no longer anything special about me.

 

I, on the other hand, have not been able to fill any of the holes he left in me with anyone else. I have more needs than he does, so it's harder for me.

 

I hate this.

 

Pity party was certainly no understatement with your title eh?

 

Ok, firstly you cant for sure say he wont miss you because hes replaced you with friends, etc...they are a subsitute (you know like in football, not the first choice of player but a needed alternative)

Its what you should also be doing to self heal, dont hold it against him for doing so.

 

Whatever he does with those people is NOT with YOU, however they act or react to a situation whatever it is they are doing, is not YOU acting, reacting, etc...how do you know he does not miss the way you do things, act or react to things he is now doing with his friends? has he told you or is it an assumtion?

 

Secondly, you say you cannot fill any of the holes he has left.

He is not to blame for this, its all down to one person opening themselves up more to let the voids be filled....you know who?

 

I know your down on yourself and please dont take this as harsh, it may come across that way but really is not meant to.

 

Keep on venting, get it all out your system.