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The Visit- The Upcoming Wedding


KittenMoon

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KittenMoon

Well, look at me starting a new thread... big surprise.

 

Anyways, my ex came over tonight. This was our visit before the our friends' wedding this weekend- the visit to dull the shock. It wasn't supposed to be tonight, but it was the only night that worked out (actually, the only night he could do was thursday, and I had plans, and then he said he just had a ton of school work to do and he thought if he met with me he would be too upset to do his work afterwards- :confused: ).

 

Anyways, I can't go over it all right now, I'm too wiped out. But IO stayed strong as I could.

 

- He cried way more than me. Way more.

- We talked, about us a little, about general stuff more. There was no fighting.

- He's on the fence about leaving the area (which I want him to do) or finsihing his degree (he'll be here for years!!! gr) But we talked about WHY I wanted him to leave.

 

He definetly said how confused he felt in life and how he felt like he had no direction. He said so much. Some of it very cryptic. I was tough as I could be. Told him I didn't need his pity or him trying to smooth things over and I didn't need him to be my "knight in shining armor" because I've been sad before and been alone and I've dealt with it.

 

I was a tough chick. No blubbering or outpouring of my heart this time.

 

Still.... every time I look at him I want to smile and my heart feels warm.

 

I can go into more when I feel a bit more grounded.

 

But at least I know I can see him at the wedding this weekend and not be a mess.

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sick of it

KM

 

good for you. be strong. its ok to want to smile when you look at him. but you were strong and the better person. youre the one on top.

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Sand&Water

KittenMoon,

 

So, your ex came over one night and you both discussed things. Well that must have been interesting. Whether you like it or not, he's your ex now.

 

You must understand that you're posting in the 'Coping section'.

 

The coping section is a section designed for coping with life's issues, AND encourages one to 'Move On' with their life.

 

You're both, confused and disfunstional. Sure, the 'talk' you guys had allowed for you to filter out your system, but you can't be stuck there forever. What are you scared of? There is nothing good to come out of this.

 

Two words for you: Move on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself ! God people get a life ! :mad::sick:

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KittenMoon
KittenMoon,

 

So, your ex came over one night and you both discussed things. Well that must have been interesting. Whether you like it or not, he's your ex now.

 

You must understand that you're posting in the 'Coping section'.

 

The coping section is a section designed for coping with life's issues, AND encourages one to 'Move On' with their life.

 

You're both, confused and disfunstional. Sure, the 'talk' you guys had allowed for you to filter out your system, but you can't be stuck there forever. What are you scared of? There is nothing good to come out of this.

 

Two words for you: Move on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself ! God people get a life ! :mad::sick:

 

Thank you for your obviously uninformed opinion- maybe you should try reading some of my other posts to understand the context of what I was talking about.

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Sand&Water
Thank you for your obviously uninformed opinion- maybe you should try reading some of my other posts to understand the context of what I was talking about.

 

I stand by what I've said. Don't get me wrong on this, but you're taking this too seriously.

 

I have read your other posts, by the way. I'm familiar with what you're going through. Everyone goes through a rough time. Heck, I'm going through a lot of "Reality Check" moments, right now.

 

I was trying to project my thoughts, without being too harsh.

 

However, it's up to you: Take it or leave it.

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Hey KM,

 

Wow. That sounds like an intense visit. Has he made a decision about taking the job? What else happened? You've had a day to rest... so now more details!!

 

;)

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- He cried way more than me. Way more.

why did he cry so much? don't you think that's a bit weird for a guy?

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sick of it

NOT TRYING TO HIJACK

 

oh KM....youve read my posts and know about me and my ex's mutual friends' wedding right?....well my ex and i may be paired in the wedding party. HA. my friends probably wont do it...but if im the best man and shes the MOH...i dont see how to avoid it. ill be ok seeing her at the wedding, especially if i do what you 2 did and have a pre-wedding visit...but i dont know yet if ill be ok see them together. thats my concern.

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littlekitty
KittenMoon,

 

So, your ex came over one night and you both discussed things. Well that must have been interesting. Whether you like it or not, he's your ex now.

 

You must understand that you're posting in the 'Coping section'.

 

The coping section is a section designed for coping with life's issues, AND encourages one to 'Move On' with their life.

 

You're both, confused and disfunstional. Sure, the 'talk' you guys had allowed for you to filter out your system, but you can't be stuck there forever. What are you scared of? There is nothing good to come out of this.

 

Two words for you: Move on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself ! God people get a life ! :mad::sick:

 

With all due respect, I think this post was out of order. Tough love is tough love, but KM can post about what ever she choose for how ever long she wishes to.

 

She is obviously still Coping with things, which makes her post in the appropriate section.

 

People don't come to LS for this type of response. Unless you're a moderator it's not up to you to tell anyone where or what to post.

 

Clearly you're not happy yourself. :mad:

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KittenMoon
With all due respect, I think this post was out of order. Tough love is tough love, but KM can post about what ever she choose for how ever long she wishes to.

 

She is obviously still Coping with things, which makes her post in the appropriate section.

 

People don't come to LS for this type of response. Unless you're a moderator it's not up to you to tell anyone where or what to post.

 

Clearly you're not happy yourself. :mad:

 

Thank you LK. I can't believe some people- I am so against the "just get over it" sentiment. It's not an easy on/off switch, certainly not for anyone who has actually been in real love.

 

why did he cry so much? don't you think that's a bit weird for a guy?

 

You tell me, alpha. I'm plenty confused by it.

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sick of it
why did he cry so much? don't you think that's a bit weird for a guy?

 

 

 

I know that i cried a lot. i dont know why hes crying. but i was crying because i never intended to hurt her the way SHE SAID i hurt her (i relaize now that what she said isnt necessarily true).

 

and listen, before we get into a "crying is not manly" thing...i consider crying a natural bodily response. whether youre man or woman, human or beast...if you burn yourself, you yelp....if you get punched, you bruise....crying is merely a physical response to an emotional pain.

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Sand&Water
With all due respect, I think this post was out of order. Tough love is tough love, but KM can post about what ever she choose for how ever long she wishes to.

 

She is obviously still Coping with things, which makes her post in the appropriate section.

 

People don't come to LS for this type of response. Unless you're a moderator it's not up to you to tell anyone where or what to post.

 

Clearly you're not happy yourself. :mad:

 

I've never said that KittenMoon, shouldn't post in the Coping section. Or that she posted her thread in the wrong section.

 

All I'm saying is that, what she's going through does belong in the coping section but also that she must understand that with coping comes a 'New Change'; healing.

 

Some people are not yet ready to move on and heal, but that doesn't mean it should be shrugged off. However, there should be a yearning of changing for the better. Don't you yearn for better days, KittenMoon?

 

It's up to you, KittenMoon, to take hold of this situation and deal with it in the appropriate manner whether it be slow or fast. But, sooner or later you'll have to think about your future, health and well being.

 

Best of Luck!

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littlekitty
I've never said that KittenMoon, shouldn't post in the Coping section. Or that she posted her thread in the wrong section.

 

All I'm saying is that, what she's going through does belong in the coping section but also that she must understand that with coping comes a 'New Change'; healing.

 

Some people are not yet ready to move on and heal, but that doesn't mean it should be shrugged off. However, there should be a yearning of changing for the better. Don't you yearn for better days, KittenMoon?

 

It's up to you, KittenMoon, to take hold of this situation and deal with it in the appropriate manner whether it be slow or fast. But, sooner or later you'll have to think about your future, health and well being.

 

Best of Luck!

 

Perhaps it was just the tone of your post... it was a little harsh, and not particularly helpful. I think KM read it the same way I did.

 

This one however, is far clearer and makes your point far better!

 

No offence meant. I advocate tough love sometimes!

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KittenMoon
It's up to you, KittenMoon, to take hold of this situation and deal with it in the appropriate manner whether it be slow or fast. But, sooner or later you'll have to think about your future, health and well being.

 

I think perhaps you've missed the fact that this is exactly what I have been doing. It took a while, and NC helped, but LC seems to be helping a little more- I'm no longer wondering about many of his actions, feeling etc that were driving me into a frenzy not too long ago.

 

ANYWAYS- to continue:

 

So, I'm attempting to process this out, but it may be a fairly disjointed post, so apologies in advance.

 

Well, for one, I'm happy I can see him and not turn into a mess. In a strange way, I really feel like I'm in control all of a sudden, just not any control to regain what I want, y'know? But it was hard- I felt so nice seeing him- I felt like I was home all of a sudden.

 

He cried quite a bit. Seemed so upset seeing me. Like I said, it was totally last minute that he came over. He said he didn’t want to do it because Sundays were his “sad day” (TV and homecooked meals were our Sunday nights). He said that doing during the week, he was afraid he'd be so upset he wouldn't be able to get all his schoolwork done (it is last week of classes up here at our alma mater where he's taking a class a semester on top of working full time)

 

We talked about general stuff (family, friends, etc) and about us. He's not taking the job in NJ, unfortunately, and might even be here finishing his masters for years. So I may have to consider leaving, which I let him know was on my mind now that my ties here were cut. I asked if he understood why I wanted him to leave- he said he thought it was because I didn't want our city to hold his presence and his memory. Well, that was impossible, I told him- this whole place always will. I finally told him it was because I could not stand the idea or possibility of running into him with a new girlfriend at a restaurant or bar or something. He teared up but didn't say much to this. I was like, "but I guess you don't feel the same- you wouldn't be bothered seeing me with a new boyfriend." He was upset by this and said of course he would be.

 

He kept asking my opinion on things (like the job). I told him my opinion really has no bearing anymore so it doesn’t matter. He was like, but we were best friends for almost seven years and he said my opinion still mattered to him a lot.

 

I kept saying “I don’t know what you want from me” over and over. He said “I just don’t want you to disappear” and that he still wants to know me even if it has to be only an email a year- he made it very clear that he just doesn’t want me gone from his life forever, with no contact permanently. I don’t know how I feel about this.

 

There were hard things too, to hear. As usual. He said at one point, that at the end of our relationship, he just wasn’t happy” and now he’s “happier but sad as well”. I sorta feel the same way- there’s a certain happiness that comes from freedom of obligation- and I know that’s what he’s savoring. Not being obligated to me. Or anyone.

 

Quite often I said “I wish I knew what was going on in you head”. He said “me too”. And we talked about how hard it was to have no direction, for focus, no confidence in our choices. I said how jealous I was to see confidence in our friends, in their choices of career and their partners. He said “I am sorry I didn’t have that confidence” (meaning, in me as a permanent partner right now, I guess). I understand him a little better now- he is feeling as directionless as I was, and having me in his life is just making it harder to find out what he needs- the same probably goes for me. Ironically, he said he finally understood how I felt when I always said I didn’t want to go to work, it wasn’t fulfilling, etc- his workplace is really beginning to tank- he’s getting no direction, people are getting ready to leave, etc. It’s miserable now, unfortunately for him.

 

As to our friends, when I said how jealous I was of their direction, their lives, he said “they’re all fake.” He also said he had avoided them because I was always closer to them and eh didn’t want to take them away in any way. I kinda attacked him on that. I said how life was only worth living because of the people in it (I had said something similar in my webjournal recently and he acknowledged this- so I inadvertedly found out he was still reading). I also told him it was only awkward because he made it awkward and that he was never closer to them because he never opened himself up to people, to them. He said (tearily) “I opened myself up to you.” I said I knew that, but that then he just closed himself off again.

 

He also said something very cryptic at one point that I wish he would have kept quiet on. He said he had had this thought rolling in his head for a while (since the break-up) but that he didn’t want to tell me what it was because it “probably wouldn’t make me happy”. He said it strangely though- as if whatever it was wouldn’t make me happy but it’s not something so awful that he couldn’t mention it at all. (the thought, that is) I told him, firmly “You can’t say things like that to me.” I said this several times, I am making boundaries as best I can as to what is appropriate for him to say to me.

 

Before he left, he said “Can I see you again?” I thought for a bit, then said “I don’t know”. I started to say “Let’s see how things go” but he hastily said “That’s ok that’s ok, maybe is better than no”.

 

I guess I can kinda understand how hard it is to love someone, really love them, when your life feels utterly directionless and confused. But I don’t know how to get over him. I wonder if he’ll think of me again when his life evens out, when he’s ready for settling down, ready again to be obligated to someone else. Maybe it’s a matter of priorities and relationships just are not the first priority to him at this point in his life. He doesn't seem to have any more clue than I. As screwed up as I feel, it's hard to see him feel like that too.

 

I don’t know. I know I am going to have to put some distance between us, maybe more than he wants, if I’m ever going to get any better. After the wedding, I’ll deal with that stuff. I'm giving myself a little reprieve from deciding the best course of action. I am sad today. Seeing him, acting so sad and confused but strangely more grown up than I’ve seen in a long time, reminds me of whom I have lost. Makes me wonder if anyone else will ever measure up.

 

Oh, and I still want an apology or two from him one of these days. I kept telling him its hard to forgive him for certain specific things he doesn't even seem to realize hurt me horribly. Maybe he'll never get it- some people can truly just be oblivious.

 

Sorry for the long post- this still doesn’t cover everything.

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KM, from an outsiders perspective it sounds like your ex fell out of love with you but still cares about you as a person A LOT. That, in itself, can be very difficult on someone's psyche (speaking of his right now). It is extremely hard to be the person responsible for inflicting pain on a person you were once in love with but are no longer, yet still respect and admire at the same time.

 

I am not diminishing what you are going through, of course. I also would not read into his tears as 'hope.' Those are tears for you, not with you- if that makes sense.

 

Rough day, indeed. :(

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KittenMoon
KM, from an outsiders perspective it sounds like your ex fell out of love with you but still cares about you as a person A LOT. That, in itself, can be very difficult on someone's psyche (speaking of his right now). It is extremely hard to be the person responsible for inflicting pain on a person you were once in love with but are no longer, yet still respect and admire at the same time.

 

I am not diminishing what you are going through, of course. I also would not read into his tears as 'hope.' Those are tears for you, not with you- if that makes sense.

 

Rough day, indeed. :(

 

I don't want hope but he's pretty much given it to me already. That's why I know I'm going to have to put a lot of distance between us. Don't want to though. I know his tears are for me, but he's made it more than clear hos confused he is- like I said, you can't love anyone when you're that directionless and confused. They just act as a weight, pulling you down. Whatever feelings you DO have end up being unclear, or resentful, or whatever.

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I don't want hope but he's pretty much given it to me already.

 

Two quick points:

 

- Sometimes hope (whether real or imagined) can actually help propel you forward. At some point you will either outgrow the hope and not need it as part of your support system, or the hope will become reality in the form of a second chance.

 

- His giving you hope could be genuine on his end. It also can be his attempt to soothe you in the moment. It is hard to see someone in pain and not (stupidly) utter things or give glances constituting false hope in an effort to take away the immediate pain. Remember, he is used to being the one you would go to, the one to comfort you. If he can do that during the post break-up process it alleviates some of his own pain/guilt.

 

 

Having a pity party is good sometimes. You have this whole week to not think, just feel. After the wedding you can start to think of what the best way forward is for you.

 

I hope your freezer is stocked with some good ice cream. :):(

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KittenMoon

I hope your freezer is stocked with some good ice cream. :):(

 

 

Bleah, I've lost my taste for sweets. For anything really.

 

Anyways, I just don't know how I'm going to get over him. I was reminded of that last night. Just looking at him. For the first time in a long time, he was acting like the person I fell in love with- albeit confused and emotionally tender. Where he is in his life right now- well, love and relationships are obviously not a priority. I was not a priority. So it was easy to fall out of love, easy to find reasons to fall out of love.

 

I'm not saying I'm not moving forward, but its like groping in the dark for something you are not sure is even there. I'm going to shut myself out of this whole game for while, pretend like love and attraction doesn't even exist. (as best I can)

 

People here say so often to work on yourself, better yourself, and love yourself and others will love you. I don't know if I agree with that exactly. After this, it seems more like we're not looking for improvement, we're looking for a path to follow. A clear idea of where we are going and what we want in our future. Without that, other things in our life suffer- our love, our health, our family. Our flaws as humans are inherent, we will never improve on all of them. But even with our flaws, when we're confidently on our paths it's far easier to invite others to join us there than it is to try to wander through the wilderness of confusion and insecurity, even if we have true love at our side. There are times in life when we need someone with us to support us- but there are times with those people will only drag us down.

 

In my case- we had two people who lost their paths and one finally cracked.

 

 

I hate being at work, I'm ready for a good cry.

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I feel for your situation. When you are ready for NC it really does help. You won't be so triggered and so your 'getting over him' won't feel so up and down. (And again, I personally don't think that holding on to hope is a bad thing.)

 

...

 

By loving yourself you make yourself a priority first. I disagree with others who attack others for being selfish. That word has gotten such a negative connotation. More girls should be brought up to be selfish- in the true sense of the word. If you don't know yourself, what you want in this life, what you are made of, and make all those your #1 priority- it becomes impossible to successfully love someone else without weighing that person down.

 

I already quoted Rand once before in another thread, but I'm reminded of it again now:

 

 

"To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I'"

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KittenMoon
When you are ready for NC it really does help.

 

I've said for a while NC is impossible because of this upcoming wedding- it'll be a relief to get it over with. After that? Well, it won't be strict NC I know, I'm trying to figure out what level of contact I will be comfortable with. Very little, I know. Very little. At least for along while. >sigh<

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I've said for a while NC is impossible because of this upcoming wedding- it'll be a relief to get it over with. After that? Well, it won't be strict NC I know, I'm trying to figure out what level of contact I will be comfortable with. Very little, I know. Very little. At least for along while. >sigh<

 

I totally meant for after the wedding. Only you will know what works best for you (NC vs LC). The positive side to NC is there are significantly less triggers you'll come up against. The negative is losing tabs on him in his life. However, if you think of this long term and you search within yourself and decide that *at some point* you want this person in your life regardless of the label (bf vs friend), then NC is by far the fastest way to get there. One day you will wake up and will be strong enough for LC. If you go LC first, you might never get there b/c of the constant set backs whenever you are in contact which could build resentment.

 

My first love and I are still in contact to this day. We went over a year with NC and since then we've been in contact with each other- and this relationship ended years ago.

 

ps-- It might not seem this way now, but at some point you will look back on all of this and see the brilliance behind your paths separating now. Anything is possible in the future. Anything.

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KittenMoon
I totally meant for after the wedding. Only you will know what works best for you (NC vs LC). The positive side to NC is there are significantly less triggers you'll come up against. The negative is losing tabs on him in his life. However, if you think of this long term and you search within yourself and decide that *at some point* you want this person in your life regardless of the label (bf vs friend), then NC is by far the fastest way to get there. One day you will wake up and will be strong enough for LC. If you go LC first, you might never get there b/c of the constant set backs whenever you are in contact which could build resentment.

 

My first love and I are still in contact to this day. We went over a year with NC and since then we've been in contact with each other- and this relationship ended years ago.

 

ps-- It might not seem this way now, but at some point you will look back on all of this and see the brilliance behind your paths separating now. Anything is possible in the future. Anything.

 

I think I need a new distinction between LC and NC. Like VLC- very limited contact. I think this is my best bet- at least for a while. Sucks though... I feel like my life is missing so much w/o him. When he was over he told me about an adventure he had applying for a job- it involved many canceled flights and a late night car rental with two random ladies. If that had been me, I would have been calling him for support. I wonder if he thought about me during it... Realizing he couldn't call me? I don't know.

 

Anyways, I was talking with my mom- she was like, if you see him once in a while maybe he'll realize what he's missing. And I was like: How is he going to miss me if I'm still around? She conceeded that point to me.

 

VLC it's going to be.

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VLC it's going to be.

There is no such thing as VLC or LC. You either have contact or you have NC. I suggest you go with the latter...

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KittenMoon
There is no such thing as VLC or LC. You either have contact or you have NC. I suggest you go with the latter...

 

Not that I ever have much interest in what you say alpha, but LC or VLC is by definition contact- never said it was anything else. An email or IM conversation every several months is contact, but it's my boundary to set up. I don't want this person to disappear entirely from my life forever- but I don't want to be waiting anxiously for his call or email or visit ever few weeks or every month or so.

 

And if I can't handle even VLC? Well, then I go NC. I'm not interested in jumping back into any dating pool for quite a while so who cares if my heart takes a little extra time to heal?

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I'm not interested in jumping back into any dating pool for quite a while so who cares if my heart takes a little extra time to heal?

but KM, you cannot deny the gene pool of your superb DNA for any length of time :laugh:

 

My prescription is you institute total NC and hit the dating scene ASAP...

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