Am I a lost case?

[Wehant]

I sit here in my small apartment wondering what could have been. A little over a year ago my ex and I parted ways. It was the most difficult time of my life. I have never been so in love with someone like I was with her. She was everything to me. With time I was able to re-insert myself into the dating scene and meet many women and re-connect with my friends. Every so often though, something in me snaps. I hear a song, walk by a building, find an old photograph, see a date etc...and all of a sudden I'm back in "her world". When that happens I get down and dream about what could have been. Last night was the real topper. I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks, but ultimately I think nothing will come out of it. She just doesn't ignite the same fire in me that my ex did. In fact, none of the girls I've seen the past year have been able to throw a match into my furnace like she did. Nothing. Not even a spark. Anyhow I went out with this girl last night and we had a good time, but like I said above I don't feel anything. It's almost as if I'm dead inside. I got home, fell asleep and....had a dream about my ex. The topic of the dream, our marriage (ironically this was the topic that broke us up). On more than one occasion I woke up, but right away willed myself to sleep to continue the dream.

 

Is this normal? Am I doomed to never truly get over my ex? Am I doomed to "settle" for a girl because she feels steady and comfortable, not because I love her.

 

I'm not some love starved teenager. I'm close to 30 years old, and this troubles me.

 

Help anyone?

[KittenMoon]

What was it about marriage that broke you up?

[Wehant]

I wanted it and so did she. Eventually though, her feelings changed and kerplunk, I'm here today.

[KittenMoon]

My ex's feelings "changed" too. I think a lot of the people here will say that spark will happen again, but I'm in the progress of waiting too so I don't know.

[Numbheart]

Funny, I had a dream about my ex for the first time since our split last night.

 

It was something to do with her coming down to where I was with my friends, I felt utter resentment for her doing this, but then saw it as she now has her own life and needs to be around her friends (who were somehow connected to mine in the dream) to meet new people the same as myself, she was only there for herself and had not known I was there,... in the dream, she looked as unsettled as I felt about it.

 

I woke up hating her with a passion for that!!!..., I have no idea why?,.... I have not hated her all through this period.....its funny how dreams make us feel about people and I think only natural that stuff like this happens.

Dont worry, your not doomed, just human with feelings.

[Wehant]

Well I took a risk, albeit a small one. On Tuesday I went to lunch with a friend and I was pretty down. After much prodding I divulged to the friend that I still have strong feelings for my ex. She laughed and said, "Wehant, I know. Everyone knows. Everyone knows how you felt for her and how you've been seeking a clone the past year. Try contacting her"

 

I did.

 

I don't possess the courage needed to make the phone call, and I find e-mail much to impersonal I decided to pour my soul into a hand-written letter on Tuesday afternoon. I mentioned that I've dated the past year and that nobody has made me feel as complete as she did, I mentioned that it's a shame we don't talk anymore and that I want to know "what's up". I didn't suggest we get back together....directly. I simply added a line that "I consider you to be the smartest person I've ever known. I know you'll decipher the hidden message in this letter". Kinda obvious?

 

I mailed the letter Tuesday evening, and with a standard 2-day postal delay she should be receiving it tomorrow. I'm confident I'll get some sort of reply, be it email, phone or MSN. In fact, I think there is a small chance she has called already but hung up when I picked up the phone. Her cell phone always has a blocked number, and today a blocked number called at roughly 7 PM, when I picked up and said hello I heard the person the other line hang up immediately.

[Wehant]

Like expected I got the call on Friday evening. We talked for a good hour and I figure I'd summarize the entire conversation here. Maybe some people can give me their take on the whole situation. I should point out though that I am going for it. Literally. I want to give this one last go.

 

She called me on Friday just as I was inspecting a new apartment. We chatted about a number of things. First thing she said was that she was glad that I wrote the letter. She admitted to missing me the past year and whenever we'd talk on MSN she often wondered if I was the same person. I admit that I have changed a lot in the past year, for the better. However for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I always portrayed this arrogant a**h*** to her online. I apologized for this on Friday. I told her that I was sad about what had transpired between us but also angry and was unsure on how to act. Part of me wanted her to stay away but the other part of me wanted her to stay. A few moments later she asked about my "status". Alright, here I embellished a little bit. I prefer to think of it as a white lie, nobody gets hurt with what I said. I am seeing someone now, but I told her that I was seeing two people. She was amazed, and I also told her that it's nothing serious because I don't feel any emotional attachment to them. She laughed and asked what happened to my philosophy of one woman at a time, I simply laughed and told her that philosophy applied only when "you were my woman". I then asked about her status. She was reluctant to divulge the information so I played the "c'mon, it's me card. just sum it up". She did more than that. Despite her initial reluctance, she divulged the whole story. Here it is, in point form;

 

* she's been seeing him for about a year. we've been broken up for about 15 months.

* he's divorced

* 38 years old

* has a son

 

Now this shocks me. A few days before I had spoken to her cousin (we're still close) and asked her to find out if my ex was seeing anyone. Her cousin went to her mom and asked, the mom said no &&& that she had lost all hope about her daughter getting married. The cousin then replied "it's a shame it never worked out with Wehant". The mother simply frowned, sighed, and said "I know"

 

Anyhow, as she is telling me about him she keeps on repeating that she has a lot of doubts with this relationship. A lot. (Ironically, she was saying the same thing to me soon after we broke up, about us) She did say that she was uncertain about what to do with the guy. After about 5 more minutes of conversation she basically came out and said that she is certain she knows where this relationship is going, and it's nowhere and that it will end soon.

 

At this point she asked what my work schedule was like. She's a freelancer and I'm a 9-to-5'er who does freelance on the side. I basically told her that anytime after 5 is cool and so are the weekends. She then said that she is real busy organizing an event for the 28th of May, but anytime after that would be great. I suggested we go for coffee on Monday afternoon, seeing on how she had the day off. She said good idea but perhaps it's best to confirm on Monday if we could go because she had a meeting. Stupid me I said, I also had a meeting Monday afternoon. We adjourned and agreed to have her call me on Monday to see if possible. Naturally it was impossible on Monday. I left her a message on her cell proposing Wednesday night. I know she is doing her community radio and won't get the message until after 9. So we'll see.

 

Look, if we were to deconstruct the conversation piece by piece (I can't help it, I'm uber-analytical) it looks like so far the ball is rolling in my favour. What do you think?

 

For the record, my intentions with her are entirely noble. I'm not looking for "one last screw". Instead, I'm looking to give us another shot. We truly had a great thing going and then had our immaturity, panic and inexperience get in the way last March. I have grown very much the past year and I'm guessing she has as well. I don't believe in destiny. I think that's horseschitt, but with her....for some reason....I always thought of her as "the one".

[KittenMoon]

She certainly hasn't cut you off at the knees, based on what you've said so far. You may be setting yourself up for more pain, but at the same time it's been a year. A YEAR and you still think of her as "the one".

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.