Don't know how much longer

[radiation7740]

I went out tonight to wal-mart and bought a 12 gauge shotgun. It took me about 45 minutes to fill out all the paper work. I drove out to an isolated spot off the road and went into the woods & loaded the gun. I stuck it in my mouth and just sat there for 15-20 minutes then I finally took the gun out of my mouth, put it back in its case and drove home.

 

I'm sick & tired of feeling lonely. It's just too much for me now. Prospects of suicide have been on my mind for awhile. I'm still not over my ex. I can't even sleep tonight. I'm up late at this hour obsessing over her. It just hurts like hell. I'm empty inside.

 

I've tried coping by working overtime. That worked for awhile but I'm finding myself breaking down and crying early in the mornings at work. I have nobody to talk to around here. I don't want to burden my friends or family with my problems. It's better that I come on here and vent.

 

I don't know how much longer I want to live. I'm struggling with myself. Part of me wants to live and another part of me wants to check out. Life is just not worth living anymore. If I stay single then no woman will ever break my heart but I don't know if I want to stay on that path forever. I can't live with women and I can't live without them.

[johan]

If it's that bad, then you really need to seek professional help. You only have one life, just one chance, and it's on your shoulders to get it right. Giving up is not getting it right. And it takes time to make all the changes that need to be made so you have to be patient. Maybe it doesn't feel like it, but those changes are happening right now, with all your thinking and discussing. It's automatic. But it will be wasted if you use that gun.

 

You aren't going through anything brand new to the world. The things you've experienced and the feelings you're having are common to us all. You have to realize is that it always gets better. You sometimes have to do things to help the process along, but change always happens, and every change comes with opportunities.

 

People have gone through far worse than you're going through. They toughed it out and they came out on the other side better and stronger. If someone were able to give you a date when all that would happen to you, maybe you wouldn't worry so much and feel so desperate. But no one can. So you just have to go through it. But take advantage of professionals who have seen all this and know how to show you what you need to see so you don't give up and do something stupid.

 

Do whatever it takes. Just don't quit.

[lovelorcet]

WTF dude! Put the gun down! No you are not alone, you pretty much described how I feel at times as well. I was up till 3am last night because I couldn’t sleep and I kept thinking about her. Before I went to bed I was sitting outside on my porch and just thinking to myself, what the fück is the point of going on and started to slide into a deeper depression. Ya it really sucks but when I feel it starting I shake it out of my head and just tell myself this too will pass.

So I went to bed and couldn’t fall asleep till about 3. Was wide awake again at 5am and decided to just get the day started at 6. So now I don’t only have the blues but I am over tiered.

But you know what, you have to take the time to think about all the things that are worth living for. As much as you hurt now there will be a time in the future when your heart will be filled with joy again. Aren’t you even just the least bit curious to find out who or what will make you feel that way. There are so many wonderful things that are still to come in life, don’t forget that. You never know what is just around the corner and the pain will go away in time, that I promise you.

You now have to opportunity to show yourself that you can take care of yourself alone, now it is time to use it. It is a challenge, it’s time to buckle down and do the hard work, but if you can prove to yourself that you can be just fine on your own that will make you a much stronger person. That is something that you will be able to carry with you for the rest of your life.

So stop wasting you time with self-pity because it isn’t going to help you one bit at all and start to get prepared and excited for your future because there is still so much more to come!

[KittenMoon]

Please don't kill yourself! There's no second chance at anything if if you do that! No chance at happiness in life at all. None. And everyone in your life will be inevitably scarred by losing you. Please, it's not worth that. Get rid of that gun. Return it and seek professional help. The world CAN be a good place again. Please post and let us know you are still there.

[Chinook]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may not seem temporary - but it is. Everything passes. Absolutely everything.

[Alexandra]

You DO need help Radiation and more importantly you CAN get it. Someday soon you won't even remember how dark this time has been for you, but for that you have to do something for YOURSELF. Read and re-read what Johan said and also the other replies. Read them till you're sure you grasped what they meant, ask questions, give us feedback.

 

And since we've discussed how you feel about professionals and laymen here's something you can read from someone who's just an ordinary person

 

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

It also has a handful of resources, hotlines numbers, books, USE THEM please.

 

Let us know how you feel today, kiddo.

[Numbheart]

Radiation, I bet those 15-20 mins of having that thing stuck in your mouth were the longest time of your life ever.

I imagine you asked yourself every question possible within this time and I imagine it was agony.

 

BUT, you withdrew it, put it away and came here.

Hopefully this will be a huge turning point in your life and a very learned experience, one never to be revisited.

Please stay here, post everyday and let us know you are here.

I will always try to respond to you, I know that does not sound much,(hopefully others will respond to) but I've been to your point of thinking and I'm still here and growing stonger, so will you, even although it seems like it is not possible at this point of your life.

 

Chin up and reply, you've already proved your strong enough to be here now, you can get through this

[Alexandra]

Please stay here, post everyday and let us know you are here.

 

As you may have read on the other thread Radiation seems to have decided to leave LS. On the upside though, that post sounded less depressed and it was after this one. I do wish he stays too, I know he still reads, we'll see...

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Suicide is not the answer. You (we all) are going to die soon enough, why not just wait it out and see what happens? I mean, look at it this way: it can't get much worse (you are already to the point of suicide). Get out, don't work so much, do something, go somewhere, be around people; when I was depressed, going out and meeting new people cheered me up. Don't give up on women--we are not all that bad ! I'll go out with you somewhere! I know what you are going through--believe me. And I am glad that I didn't go through with my "plans." We all go through rough times, but like all things, this too shall pass. You will move on and be very happy. I just know it! Good luck!

[Brittanyjean06]

We all go through very painful experiences in life, things that just are uncontrolable

 

 

but why end your life now? there is so much more to come and see, you haven't gotten over your ex, so you woulden't know the joy of overcoming this. Sometimes things are unbearable but you have to suck it up! you have a purpose here, so serve that purpose and stop being so selfish to take your own life away

 

Kids die every single day, your lucky to be alive! things will get better!

[riobikini]

rad,

 

You've received some very good advice in the previous posts in this thread.

 

Not to mention you seem to be an extremely intelligent person.

 

Your behavior towards yourself over your situation is shocking, -yet, it certainly is *not* the answer.

 

You know what I'm going to say: *get professional help*.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

I almost wasn't going to post this...I'm getting dressed for work, -but.....

 

 

Rad, I had a sister, Ch__yl, who suffered from periodical

bouts of deep depression (I won't go into naming her illness) but from time to time, the depression was so great that -if she happened to be going through a breakup, or a crisis of some kind- she often thought of suicide.

 

I dealt with the fear of finding her lying dead all throughout my life, from about her age of 15 onward, which is when the depression became so evident.

 

I am familiar with walking into a room seeing someone holding a loaded gun threatening her own life. I am familiar with being at work, and getting a desperate phone call, and the voice on the other end stating that I am moments away from hearing the blast that will end a life. I am familiar with rushing to someones home, and finding the doors barricaded, and having to gain access knowing I may only have minutes to get inside.

 

I am familiar because this is the way she lived in her depression. Treatment was sporadic. She mostly refused it.

 

There is a little 'back-story' as to why it was so important that I felt I needed to be the one to look after her and care for her through all these crisis.

 

My mother, who was never very maternal, actually 'gave' my sister to me.

 

Explain: my mom, (who even tho she wasn't maternal, cranked out children like a baker baking rolls) came home from the hospital when I was four, holding a wool blanket with my sister in it. I was excited about seeing the new baby, and had crawled into a comfy chair begging to hold her. As my mother placed her in my arms, she said " You know, I'm giving her to you, -she's your responsibility."

 

She was only joking, of course, but to a four-year old, that had impact, and from then on, I felt 'responsible' for her.

 

Even up to her death in 1990.

 

Ch__l was the closest person on earth to me. I can't begin to tell you what her loss means.

 

For years after her death, I felt as if I had failed her...after all, she had been my 'responsibility' to look after.

 

There are so many things that make me feel a peculiar, almost unreconcilable 'guilt' regarding her death, -but there are some things, Rad, -that I have had to work through just to begin to realize over the years since her death, that I cannot change. I gave all I had, and it still wasn't enough to make her well, make her illness disappear, make her hurt go away, nor heal the whole mess.

 

It was still * all I had*.

 

"All I had" was what I have already given that was in me to empty out. "All I had" constantly poured out up until the situation was 'no more', and she was gone.

 

And I'm giving that to you in your situation.

 

Maybe it's in just telling you this story.

 

No one can actually keep anyone from hurting themselves....but the least we can do is let you know about our experiences, thoughts, and feelings about what you are considering, -and perhaps, say something to make you pause and consider your situation........and maybe that's time enough to at least, make think more clearly about your choices.

 

Grab those opportunities, Rad, when moments of clarity show you other ways of dealing with bad situations

 

It is worth it to live.....no matter how deeply you have been hurt.....and, despite having to use a cliche' phase, -there *is* a brighter day ahead.

 

Stick around for it.

 

Yours,

-Rio

[lovelorcet]

Very moving Rio... I hope he is still around reading...

[Brittanyjean06]

Isn't it surprising how sometimes you never really would suspect any one having stories like the previous one.

 

does anyone know of any one commiting suicide who was apart of loveshack? or do we never know:-/

[radiation7740]

We all go through very painful experiences in life, things that just are uncontrolable

 

 

but why end your life now? there is so much more to come and see, you haven't gotten over your ex, so you woulden't know the joy of overcoming this. Sometimes things are unbearable but you have to suck it up! you have a purpose here, so serve that purpose and stop being so selfish to take your own life away

 

Kids die every single day, your lucky to be alive! things will get better!

 

I don't know what your motives are but if you think your statements are helping they are not. I think most of the posters on LS have self serving motives for giving their advice. I don't think you are concerned at all. I think you are here to serve your own selfish desires.

 

Here is an update on my situation. I still have the rifle. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I don't want to sell it right now. Suicide is not selfish by the way. Most people don't care if you are dead tomorrow. The only people who might be hurt are my parents but once they are deceased from old age it won't really matter anymore.

[KittenMoon]

I don't know what your motives are but if you think your statements are helping they are not. I think most of the posters on LS have self serving motives for giving their advice. I don't think you are concerned at all. I think you are here to serve your own selfish desires.

 

Here is an update on my situation. I still have the rifle. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I don't want to sell it right now. Suicide is not selfish by the way. Most people don't care if you are dead tomorrow. The only people who might be hurt are my parents but once they are deceased from old age it won't really matter anymore.

 

Rad-

 

I've held a knife to my wrist and hated myself for not being able to go through with it. It was years ago, but I could never do it. Why? One, because I do have a lot of people my suicide would destroy. Two, because of the persistent, annoying, f***ing possibility that things COULD actually get better tomorrow, and if I did it, I'd never find out.

 

And if you really think no one will care, then you are dense. Suicide is like a shock wave, it spreads. A friend of mine, who I am not even close to, had a friend who committed suicide. I read about it in her blog. She posted pics of him. When I mentioned a song I liked to her, she told me this kid had loved that song and they played it at his funeral (it's a very sad song). So now everytime I hear that song I think of this kid, his face, and the fact that his roomated found him hanging in his closet. I didn't even know him, nothing more than his name and pics, but I think of his face and I think of the potential life he COULD have lived if he had decided to push through his pain.

 

So yeah, when you die, it matters. But usually not in the ways you expect.

[GW7147]

Radiation,

You MUST think about what is going through your mind and the implications involved. I think many people her on LS have had their hearts broken (me included). I'm 41 years old and an ex New York cop. I've seen quite a few things in my carrer and believe me, you don't want to do anything foolish. I was alone for about 3 years after me and my fiance broke up. It was tough on me and I didn't want to enter into another relationship until I knew I was able to handle it. When I did, back in November, I started dating somebody who was in the process of a divorce. She assured me things would be fine and I wasn't a rebound. I was so interested in being in a relationship and having companionship, I trusted and believed her. She was the world to me!! Needless to say, we broke up. I was destroyed and I'm still having difficulties dealing with it. When I was younger (22 years old), my parents divorced, 3 months later, I was dignosed with diabetes (I take injections 4-5 times a day, and a year later, my Father passed away. It was a rough time but, don't YOU ever give up because of your relationship ending. I have friends that were diagnosed with cancer and were terminal. They said to their families, that they hated to leave them but, they had too. They didn't have a choice. YOU DO!!! Go see a counselor or therapist and talk your feelings out. I've been going since my break-up and feel somewhat better. Not 100% yet but I feel it has helped me a great deal. Maybe you need to be treated with some meds. You are looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There's somebody out there (maybe your ex) that is going to spend the rest of their lives with you (they may not know it yet, nor do you). Give it some time but you need to speak with somebody about how your feeling. Give yourself a chance and take the time to make yourself well and feel better. IT WILL HAPPEN!! I felt miserable for the past few weeks but knew I will bounce back. I'm starting to feel better and it will still take time before I feel whole again. The same will happen for you as well. I promise!! Take care and reach out to people, we'll listen!!

[radiation7740]

Radiation,

You MUST think about what is going through your mind and the implications involved. I think many people her on LS have had their hearts broken (me included). I'm 41 years old and an ex New York cop. I've seen quite a few things in my carrer and believe me, you don't want to do anything foolish. I was alone for about 3 years after me and my fiance broke up. It was tough on me and I didn't want to enter into another relationship until I knew I was able to handle it. When I did, back in November, I started dating somebody who was in the process of a divorce. She assured me things would be fine and I wasn't a rebound. I was so interested in being in a relationship and having companionship, I trusted and believed her. She was the world to me!! Needless to say, we broke up. I was destroyed and I'm still having difficulties dealing with it. When I was younger (22 years old), my parents divorced, 3 months later, I was dignosed with diabetes (I take injections 4-5 times a day, and a year later, my Father passed away. It was a rough time but, don't YOU ever give up because of your relationship ending. I have friends that were diagnosed with cancer and were terminal. They said to their families, that they hated to leave them but, they had too. They didn't have a choice. YOU DO!!! Go see a counselor or therapist and talk your feelings out. I've been going since my break-up and feel somewhat better. Not 100% yet but I feel it has helped me a great deal. Maybe you need to be treated with some meds. You are looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There's somebody out there (maybe your ex) that is going to spend the rest of their lives with you (they may not know it yet, nor do you). Give it some time but you need to speak with somebody about how your feeling. Give yourself a chance and take the time to make yourself well and feel better. IT WILL HAPPEN!! I felt miserable for the past few weeks but knew I will bounce back. I'm starting to feel better and it will still take time before I feel whole again. The same will happen for you as well. I promise!! Take care and reach out to people, we'll listen!!

 

I'm almost certain that it will NOT be my ex that I will spend the rest of my life with because I don't want her back. Maybe you haven't read any of my other threads but I did post about how she wanted to try again & basically said she would like to marry me. I told her that it's not a good idea & that I think we do better as friends.

 

Ever since that night that I declined her offer to try again I've been in NC mode. Either way I'm hurting. NC is no fun and it seems almost impossible sometimes. But I know that if I stay in contact with her I'm going to be tempted to take her back. Do I still have romantic feelings for her? Absolutely but I don't want to feel this way. I don't want her to know that I feel this way. I can't help the way I feel. I have to let time do the work in healing my heart.

 

I'm doing NC in hopes that I will heal and get over her. Before she expressed her desire to try again I used NC as a tool to draw her back. Meaning no contact initiated from my side. Now I don't initiate or respond to her. I have blocked her contact information on my computer.

[GB111]

Rad,

 

The fact that you've initiated and are sticking to NC means that you are already starting to heal! I'd consider that a personal victory.

 

My ex asked me to marry her, have her children, spend the rest of her life with me, etc., etc. and 2 days later she was gone. That was 1 month ago. Believe me, I went through some very painful moments, but I've been through situations this painful before (I'm 39 years old). I know I made it through an even uglier situation before in my life, and though it took some time, I built myself back up to where I was proud to be where I was. I'm back down again, but I know I'll be back, and so will you.

 

I'm not going to try to tell you how you feel, but I do find your statement that nobody will care that you're dead is ridiculous. At this point in my life, I've seen (unfortunately) a number of people in my life die. No matter how close or distant they are, it hurts. To think that a person that had such a bright future lost their opportunity to make an impact on the world is gone is a really difficult thing to comprehend. I just lost a friend 2 weeks ago to a motorcycle accident. Great guy, bright future.

 

So, getting down to brass tacks; suicide is a cop-out. You have been given a gift. A gift that many in this world would give anything to have. To throw away that gift IS selfish. While your situation is difficult, it is hardly hopeless. Many of us are going through similar situations. Look at Rio's post. She has to live with that for the rest of her life. Do you think your parents won't have to deal with this? Sorry, but I cannot feel a great deal of sympathy for someone who is too cowardly to face life's difficulties. I myself have been clinically depressed, but never thought of throwing the towel in as I knew that would be cowardly. That was 10 years ago. I'm going through another period of depression now, but I have been on this planet long enough to know that things WILL get better. Believe it.

 

Be tough. Don't give up.

 

GB

[radiation7740]

This website brings more depression to me than anything else. If it was up to me I'd close down LS forever.

[radiation7740]

Rad,

 

The fact that you've initiated and are sticking to NC means that you are already starting to heal! I'd consider that a personal victory.

 

My ex asked me to marry her, have her children, spend the rest of her life with me, etc., etc. and 2 days later she was gone. That was 1 month ago. Believe me, I went through some very painful moments, but I've been through situations this painful before (I'm 39 years old). I know I made it through an even uglier situation before in my life, and though it took some time, I built myself back up to where I was proud to be where I was. I'm back down again, but I know I'll be back, and so will you.

 

I'm not going to try to tell you how you feel, but I do find your statement that nobody will care that you're dead is ridiculous. At this point in my life, I've seen (unfortunately) a number of people in my life die. No matter how close or distant they are, it hurts. To think that a person that had such a bright future lost their opportunity to make an impact on the world is gone is a really difficult thing to comprehend. I just lost a friend 2 weeks ago to a motorcycle accident. Great guy, bright future.

 

So, getting down to brass tacks; suicide is a cop-out. You have been given a gift. A gift that many in this world would give anything to have. To throw away that gift IS selfish. While your situation is difficult, it is hardly hopeless. Many of us are going through similar situations. Look at Rio's post. She has to live with that for the rest of her life. Do you think your parents won't have to deal with this? Sorry, but I cannot feel a great deal of sympathy for someone who is too cowardly to face life's difficulties. I myself have been clinically depressed, but never thought of throwing the towel in as I knew that would be cowardly. That was 10 years ago. I'm going through another period of depression now, but I have been on this planet long enough to know that things WILL get better. Believe it.

 

Be tough. Don't give up.

 

GB

 

Wouldn't indifference be worse than anger? The very fact that people would care that I died would mean that they think I'm worth their time of day to be thinking about. Indifference is just a by-product of someone who thinks i'm not worth their time of day. Why would anybody think I'm worth even 1 nanosecond of their time to think about? People who commit suicide are easily forgotten. It's reality.

[riobikini]

Rad,

 

You have an uncanny 'knack' in using the art of shock with your posts.

 

You seem to delight in this dark skill or talent, in regards to the effect it has on others.

 

I only have one question at this point, to which I already think I have the answer. In your other posts, you complain about overwhelming depression.

 

My question is, "Are you taking your medicine?"

 

If you aren't, you probably *should*.....if you don't have any prescribed -that's also something you should check on.

 

Soon.

 

All meant in kindness,

-Rio

[Alexandra]

This website brings more depression to me than anything else. If it was up to me I'd close down LS forever.

 

If that's true you really need to unsubscribe and delete it from your favourites.

[Bogun]

I don't know what your motives are but if you think your statements are helping they are not. I think most of the posters on LS have self serving motives for giving their advice. I don't think you are concerned at all. I think you are here to serve your own selfish desires.

 

Here is an update on my situation. I still have the rifle. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I don't want to sell it right now. Suicide is not selfish by the way. Most people don't care if you are dead tomorrow. The only people who might be hurt are my parents but once they are deceased from old age it won't really matter anymore.

 

Some things to think about radiation....

 

Most people that try to blow their brains out with a gun, even if its a shotgun, will not do a clean job and end up in hospital as a vegetable. I saw some statistics somewhere on the internet for these botched suicides. I forget the site but it would probably help you...explains the physical mess that people end up in when they botch their attempted suicide, and its written by an ER nurse that has seen the worst. So next time you put that gun in your mouth ask yourself what kind of life you will have if you dont do it cleanly.

 

Another thing...as a buddhist I believe in rebirth, and any buddhist monk in the world will tell you that people that commit suicide do not escape their emotional suffering. It only destroys their physical body. What this means is that if you kill yourself, according to buddhism you will become a ghost and you'll still be in the emotional pain your in now. And as a ghost you cant kill yourself again, so your stuck with the pain for a very very long time. Ok to some people this probably sounds wacky, and maybe you think so too, but what if it is true? If it is true, it is just one more reason to face up to your emotional pain and deal with it by seeking some professional help.

 

Oh and by the way, someone will always care if you kill yourself. Even if you have no family or friends, the people that have to clean up your body will be haunted by that image for the rest of their lives. And if you have any siblings, statistically they will have a dramatically increased chance of killing themselves too. So if you have a little brother or sister, would you want them to be putting a gun in their mouth in a few years time?

 

Anyway, keep your chin up mate, life can dish out some real s*** sometimes, and we all cop it, but if you deal with it and learn from it you will become a stronger and better person. Trust me.

 

All the best mate

[radiation7740]

Some things to think about radiation....

 

Most people that try to blow their brains out with a gun, even if its a shotgun, will not do a clean job and end up in hospital as a vegetable. I saw some statistics somewhere on the internet for these botched suicides. I forget the site but it would probably help you...explains the physical mess that people end up in when they botch their attempted suicide, and its written by an ER nurse that has seen the worst. So next time you put that gun in your mouth ask yourself what kind of life you will have if you dont do it cleanly.

 

Another thing...as a buddhist I believe in rebirth, and any buddhist monk in the world will tell you that people that commit suicide do not escape their emotional suffering. It only destroys their physical body. What this means is that if you kill yourself, according to buddhism you will become a ghost and you'll still be in the emotional pain your in now. And as a ghost you cant kill yourself again, so your stuck with the pain for a very very long time. Ok to some people this probably sounds wacky, and maybe you think so too, but what if it is true? If it is true, it is just one more reason to face up to your emotional pain and deal with it by seeking some professional help.

 

Oh and by the way, someone will always care if you kill yourself. Even if you have no family or friends, the people that have to clean up your body will be haunted by that image for the rest of their lives. And if you have any siblings, statistically they will have a dramatically increased chance of killing themselves too. So if you have a little brother or sister, would you want them to be putting a gun in their mouth in a few years time?

 

Anyway, keep your chin up mate, life can dish out some real s*** sometimes, and we all cop it, but if you deal with it and learn from it you will become a stronger and better person. Trust me.

 

All the best mate

 

Well I did lose my older brother to suicide 9 years ago. I'm the only child left in the family. So I'm not a statistic yet. By the way I have a pretty powerful shotgun. It's very unlikely that I would miss. I agree there is no guarantee it would work but I've stacked the deck. It's a 12 gauge. My brother used a 30.06 rifle with 165 grade ammo.

 

I don't have this website in my favorites. I just memorize it in my head.